Why do Adoptees Search?

Question

I was compelled to ask this question because of an apparent misconception where someone here recently said this:

QUOTE "No, but the fact that most of you go looking for your biological parents, makes me think adoption doesn't work, and i think you are all angry in some way or other. There aren't enough adoptee's saying "I'm fine, I have my parents ... I know who I am, and I don't need to look for anyone".END QUOTE

I was quite shocked by this attitude. Why do YOU think adoptees search?

Answer 1

There is a very good review of this area in the article, “Perception of Adoption as Social Stigma: Motivation for Search and Reunion,” by Karen March of Carleton University.

The research literature states adoptees give four typical reasons for reunion: 1) a desire for a more complete genealogy, 2) curiosity about events leading to conception, birth, and relinquishment, 3) a desire to pass on information to children, and 4) a need for a detailed biological background (including medical information).

Nevertheless, the article points out that these reasons appear to be only superficial.  All of this information could be communicated by a third-party, yet every adoptee interviewed also expressed a need to actually meet their mother.

Starting from this point, March’s article attempts to validate Goffman’s theory of social stigma (doing an excellent job in my opinion).  The theory has three steps: 1) adoptees perceive the absence of biological ties as distinguishing their family from others, 2) this understanding is strengthened by experiences where non-adoptees imply adoptive ties are weaker than blood ties; this engenders in the adoptee a sense of social exclusion from the community, and 3) adoptees deal with this alienation by searching for a blood tie that reinforces their membership in the community.

It is important to note, that this theory suggests adoptive homes can be fine and wonderful places, yet some adoptees will still search because of their perception and experiences with social stigma.

-Tobit

Answer 2

“In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are, and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning, no matter what our attainments in life, there is the most disquieting loneliness.”

~~Alex Haley~~

Answer 3

I think they search because they are looking for a part of themselves.

Like it or not adoptees are biologically connected to their original family and have every right to know about their heritage and history.

Adoptive parents can instill their values and beliefs in their children, but they can never give them their complete biological history.

I have kept as much information for my son re: his original mother. I have a copy of his original birth certificate, I have death notices for his original grandparents that list all of his aunts & uncles on his mother's side of the family. I am trying to collect as much information as I can to make his search one day easier.

Answer 4

Here's news for you;

I was fostered (and my birth parents 'disappeared' before i was 2yrs old, and I stayed with the same foster family all my life, therefore the same as being adpoted)

I AM fine, I DONT want to search / find / meet my birth parents. I am 28yrs old and have never felt the need to search. I dont feel angry, I just think my parents couldnt take care of me at that time in their lives.

Curiosity? - I think curiosity is too strong a word for what I feel. If I was given my social services file with all the details in, I would definately want to read it, but I know that this file is available to me - and I still dont apply for it to be sent to me.

Some people might say that that is out of fear, but i dont feel fear, I just feel uninterested.........

Answer 5

Probably its because they want to know about there medical conditons and also to know where they came from in the first place.

Answer 6

I personally feel that each person has the right to choose if they want to search or not. Just because the person next to me who is adopted decided not to search for their biological family doesn't mean that they are werid. likewise i'm not werid because i choose to search. For my part i had many questions about my mother that only she could answer. And guess what...when i found her, get this i still loved my adoptive parents!! gasp!! I know unbelievable that i'm capable of loving more than one set of families!! My adoptive parents supported me in my search, they were not worried that i would somehow abandoned them for my biological family.  I feel if you are going to be an adoptive parent you must be mature enough to handle the fact that your adoptive child has another family somewhere out there. and just because they search does not mean they love adoptive parents any less. Like you i was very offended that this PAP wrote that answer. In fact i emailed her to tell her why i was offended. I don't feel that all PAP's are like this person who wrote this answer. My adoptive parents are living proof of this! They were very supportive of my search and getting in contact with my biological family.

Answer 7

I can only speak for myself.  The curiosity drove me crazy all my life.  Why did they give me away?  Who do I look like?  Did they ever think about me?  Does cancer or heart disease run in the family?  Have I ever unknowingly dated or did I marry a close relative?

Even as a child, I wanted to search.  And I was deeply offended when I was not taken seriously and simply told I couldn't.  It was impossible.  The records are sealed.  I didn't have the vocabulary to express it as a child, but I definitely felt the sting of discrimination even then.  How can MY history be stolen from me and held hostage by Vital Records?    

I have great aparents.  I have lived a charmed life.  My adad was THE person in my life who has come the closest to offering me completely unconditional love...my adoption was just not an issue for him.  And my aparents' attitude most certainly affected my attitude.  I am so OK with my adoption.  Yes, it is part of who I am, but so is growing up in  certain places or attending certain schools or having certain friends.  It is just part of who I am...for good or bad.

I did not search for my bparents because I was angry.  I wasn't looking for anything NEW...I was searching for something that predates my adoption.  The blood relations that I searched for ALWAYS existed.  We just didn't know each other before I searched.  After searching, I discovered that I knew so many things about my bfamily...quirky things that simply defy explanation.  I had no idea that I knew these things...and it was only by searching and finding out the truth that this was revealed to me.  Was it telepathy?  genetic memory?  I don't know, and I am at a loss to explain it.  So, I definitely believe that a connection exists between adoptees and their lost relations.

My bfamily overwhelmingly claims that being found has been wonderful and healing for so many of them.  My bparents told everyone that I had died at birth as a cover story for giving me away.  Therefore, many family members have mourned for me for decades.  Learning that I am alive and well has been a joy and a delight for many.

Answer 8

Curiosity. It is human nature to be curious. Even if they are happy with their families many want to know where they came from, maybe why their mom chose adoption? simple things that any person would wonder.

Answer 9

I am not an adoptee, but I can give my opinion as I ahve known many of them. I would think it would be because they feel like something is missing, or they want closure. It must be hard knowing that part of you is out there and you dont know them and have never met them. It must leave an awful emptiness that could only be filled by one's bioparents. Some may want answers, some may just want to know their heritage or medical history, some may be searching for siblings, while others may be content just knowing their APs. I am sure every case is different, and everyone feels different. I know that my own father has had nothing to do with me since I was 5, and that pain has controlled my life at times. I dont know what he is like, but I have always felt that part of me is missing. I have always longed for him to be my father, and until about 3 years ago, I usually would call him and try to "make" him be my dad, even though he never took me up on the offer.

I would be hard to "know who you are" when the people that made you have never been in your life. My people's identites are based on their heritage and if you dont know your heritage it would be hard to have your own identity. I wish that adoptee's didnt go through so much pain, and it is unfortunate that people even have to go through that. I dont think adoptees are angry at all, but simply people that have been hurt emotionally, some since birth, and their feelings are justified. Many are affected their whole lives and are NEVER able to get over the pain, which I can understand totally.

Answer 10

An adopted friend had searched for 10 years to find her first family but had not been reunited. (She loves her adoptive family intensely and they are supportive of her search.) She said the following to me after discovering that she was infertile. When I saw her after her appointment she was distraught and crying and said to me, "I feel like an island unto myself and I fear that I shall never look upon a face that looks like mine."

It broke my heart and I will never forget it.

She attempted suicide three days after she said that to me.

Six years later, she is still in therapy and on anti-depressants. With the support of her new husband and her family & friends, she is managing and still searching.

(Happily, she has adopted her husband's son and is a wonderful mother.)

I feel that her situation clearly illustrates how she, and many other adoptees feel, even when they are loved and well cared for. I cannot imagine she could have been more eloquent in stating her feelings.

I know there are many reasons to search. This is just one of them. I hope it helps people understand.

Answer 11

Why do non-adoptees search for their ancestors?

Why does The Generations Network, the corporation that owns Ancestry.com and all the related websites, have an annual income of over $150,000,000 from subscriber fees and over 1,300 employees to manage the workload?

Are all of these genealogy buffs angry with their parents?

Of course not.

It's a natural human instinct to want to know your origins. It's only in adoptees that this is questioned and suspect.

Answer 12

Considering that genealogy has been called the 2nd most popular online activity in the US, I would say that people in general search for their roots and the people of their bloodlines.  Why would adoptees be any different?

Answer 13

I searched because i needed to know. What most people take for granted and just know i have to hide in shame because they know things that i feel that i should know. I don't know what race i am and by looking at me i could be from anywhere. in the winder i look lik ei'm from india and in the summer i look like i'm from brazil but i know half of me is korean. I even had someone ask me why i wanted to be black. i don't know if i'm black or not but most white people treat me like i'm black so i might as well be... That's not really a good thing in america but i call it how i see it.

I have a son and i am scared that he will get something that i gave him and i don't have a clue. I have stomach issues is it my nerves or is it a condition. for years i wouldn't go to the dr. until i didn't have a choice. and i could feel them rolling their eyes because i didn't know my history.

I can say if she read my post. i'm not happy with my adoption. but that's only because the government didn't do their job and gave me to someone that today wouldn't have even been looked at for the fact she didn't have custody of her own children. she wasn't meant to have kids natural or adopted. Maybe if i would have gotten a family that was good then i would feel differently about adoption but i would still look for my mother because that is my blood. people that look like me and i'm finding out people with similar interests. my afamily and i have nothing in common.

Answer 14

ROOTS.............Will did I come from.................and a million other questions. ~ Whom ever posted that was extremely closed minded and a fool.

Answer 15

I'm fine.  I have my parents, and I still searched.  Why did I search?  Not out of anger.  I searched out of curiosity.  I searched because I had questions that needed answers.  I searched because, while I have a loving and supportive family, there are some pretty clear differences between me and my parents, and I wanted to find the source of those differences.  I wasn't searching for parents (though I did find a mom, and finding my first mom doesn't mean I love my adoptive mom any less, and she knows that).

What angers me, if anything does, is that people stubbornly refuse to try to understand the complexities of adoption and believe that adoptees who search must be angry, had bad experiences, and not love their adoptive parents.  That's a lot of assumptions to place on something they've not been through.

Answer 16

One of the primary reasons that adoptees search for their biological parents is to find out medical background such as tendencies for certain diseases or genetically passed on traits.  I know this is the reason my mom has been researching her biological background.  Also, it is important to know one's racial and ethnic background as there are often certain medical conditions that are associated with particular ethnicities.

SAC

Answer 17

Even if the adoption IS successful, a child may want to search on medical grounds, but also out of curiosity ...ie do I look like my parents?

My natural born child over the years have often looked at various relatives and commented about..who they have got their features from..ie son has similar eyes to myself, daughter has her dad's nose...etc. This is natural. An adopted child, has just 'popped' into existence  and cannot do this. It is one of the basics of feeling you belong and feeling part of ones ancestors.  

How many people enjoy doing their family history/genealogy ...I do. The person you quoted, seems to think, an adopted person, should pretend the adopted ancestors were the adoptees. I'm doing both sets of parents family history.

The person you are quoting, seems to be assuming all adoptee's are babies when adopted...I was 6 years of age, old enough to remember my birth mother, to remember her  skipping with me across a field..singing 'twinkle twinkle little star'. Why wouldn't I want to find, what I'd lost.

It's as if some people think, we adoptee's should be so bloody thankful for being adopted, we should wipe out OUR pasts, our heritage.  

How many people would like to be told they HAVE to wipe out their heritage and be THANKFUL to do so.

Some peoples attitudes suck big time! They are the losers, for lacking empathy and labeling adoptee's angry.

It is that sort of attitude that does p**s off some adoptee's.

Answer 18

It is quite natural for adoptees or anyone for that matter to search for their heritage.  I told a young friend that she looked like a little old Jewish woman (she was huddled in a blanket at her sports game) her answer to me was "I could be".  She does not know her heritage yet.  Everyone has the right to know where they came from.  Not just for medical reasons either.

Answer 19

Humans are naturally curious and I think that especially if adopted at a young age, you want to know why things didn't work out... I was adopted at 2 months old and while I would never go look for my birth parents, I've given thought to it and my parents have actually told me that they'd help look for them for my brother and I (we're twins). I think that it'd be interesting to meet them, to see what they looked like... to see where all the physical side of me came from.  Like I said, it's natural to be curious... why do toddlers touch burning stove tops even though their parents tell them 10 times that it's going to be hot and it's not a good idea.

Answer 20

Oh my goodness!  I have a lot of reasons, besides the fact that I have ALWAYS felt compelled to search!  This has no bearings on my a-parens b/c they are SOOOOO wonderful!  Couldn't have been blessed with better!  I wanted to know my med. history, who I looked like/ where my looks came from, who gave me this hair that some days I feel like it's a curse, who am I shaped up like????  Why am I the way I am today?  I know some has to do with my a-fam but where did the rest come from???!!!!!  Curiostity just got the best of me.  I got tired of wondering if I was related to the lady I passed by in isle 4 at Walmart or the person I zoomed by on the highway.  I was one that just had that gut feeling that I just had to know WHERE DID I COME FROM?!  Those are SOME of my reasons.

And by the way, I am equally shocked about the attitude and comments that were stated.  They ought to be ashamed of themselves!  Some people just don't get it.  Let us all pray for them :-)

Answer 21

I'm not an adoptee, but in my efforts to understand my two adopted children, I have compared their need to search to how I would feel if I suddenly awoke one morning in a strange town, and had no memories of who I was or where I came from.  Even if the townspeople were extremely loving and welcoming to me; even if a terrific family took me in and treated me just like one of their own, I would still be DRIVEN to find out who I was and where I came from.  It would not be a reflection on the good people who loved me and cared for me in the present.  It would just simply be about finding the missing parts of my life.  It's as simple as that.  Anyone who will allow themselves to truly put it in that light, would surely understand the need for adoptees to search.  

Last night on Criminal Minds, a serial killer awoke from a 4-year coma, with no memories of the horrible things he had done.  He went to trial, and the prosecutor asked the judge to order a test to be done which would show whether or not he truly had amnesia.  He knew what everyone was accusing him of, and in spite of the consequences he would face if the memories came back, he asked the judge to PLEASE order the test.  That reminded me a lot of how adoptees must feel.  Whatever was in their past, good or bad, they just need to know.

Answer 22

I am not adopted but i think it is quite normal to look.  Everyone wants to know about their history medical and otherwise. My family is not good historians or storytellers and that drives me crazy i have been trying to do a family tree.  I don't know why it is important but it is to me.  Adoptee have that with the adoptive family hopefully but not the biological peice of their info which is important.  

The problem (in my opinion) comes in when adoptee look trying to find a new family rather than for just info.  I know it happens everyday but they also get rejected everyday. I think first parents need to be ready to be found if they aren't looking. Answer question be avaible for history if they don't want a realtionship.

Answer 23

I dont think that means that the adoptee is unhappy. I think it means that they just want to know where they came from, What do the rest of my family look like, or maybe, to find why they were put up for adoption?

Maybe even to get medical history.

I know I would go looking.