Why do Aps get so offended by the words "baby buying" when..?

Question

that's exactly what many are doing by participating in International adoptions?

They cough up $20,000+ to pay some agency that finds them a healthy baby/toddler they insist on getting and less than 1% of that money goes to the care of the unhealthy children or children in general. Paps ignore the correlation between an increase in demand by buyers and the resulting increase of healthy children popping up out of no where.

Where's the denial coming from? Desperation? Ignorance?

Any suggestions on how to cut off the demand, it reminds me of drug trafficking, pushers and addicts?

Answer 1

While I agree, I think the terminology is hurtful. Baby - Buyer has a negative connotation. I certainly wouldn't like it if someone called me a baby-abandoner.

I blame it more on the agencies. I don't think it's right to make money off of the desires of others. If these children really are unwanted why do they cost so much? Personally, I think they stash it away for attorney fees and bribing government officials when something goes wrong. That and a new Mercedes.

Answer 2

Geez, if it were only that easy... I could go to the grocery store and pick out a couple kids, throw them in my cart, and pay at the register...  if one doesn't "scan" right, I'd just go leave him magazine rack for someone else to put back.  Uh-hum.

"Why do Aps get so offended by the words "baby buying" when..?"  Because its insulting.  Adoptive parents are not criminals.

"That's exactly what many are doing by participating in International adoptions?"  You are really showing your ignorance here.  No, that's NOT what it is.

"They cough up $20,000+ to pay some agency that finds them a healthy baby/toddler they insist on getting"  My son was already born and relinquished before I accepted his referral.

"...and less than 1% of that money goes to the care of the unhealthy children or children in general."  I'd like to see the proof there.



Where's the denial coming from? I am not in denial.

Desperation? Maybe for you- YOU desire attention.

Ignorance?  Looked in a mirror lately?

Answer 3

Where does the denial come from? You hit it on the head: desperation and ignorance. Oh, and fear. Fear that if they educate themselves on IA, they'll feel as if they've done something wrong, but they don't want to have to give their child(ren) back, so they live in intentional ignorance. Fear that if IA is banned from more countries, they'll never get a sibling for their current child(ren). Fear of having to admit that they've done something wrong by removing their children from their homeland, culture, native language, etc. but allowing their desire to be parents override those things. After all, adoption is about getting babies for people who want them, right?

Answer 4

Not ALL IA is "buying a baby"  there is a lot of people involoved and  alot of work that goes into matching the children to the parents.  People don't do that work for free.  Not to mention, in many programs, a big portion of the cost goes to the orphanage where the child came from.  IA is not about stealing "perfectly healthy" babies from their mothers.  It's about finding homes for orphans  who are SITTING in orphanages instead of living with families.  ALot of these kids have special needs, and if they aren't adopted by people in their own countries, or through IA, then they will live out their childhoods in instititions.  Yes, there is some adoptions and agencies that are totally corrupt.  But I think you are painting all adoptions with the same brush, and doing alot of generalizing here.  Using the term "baby buying" is offensive to all the  people who work hard to find homes for children..... through all types of adoption.  

Answer 5

Yes.  Denial comes from many places.  When one "sees" the child of their dreams, that is all that a person cares about.  They want the child to become "theirs."  No matter what.

The shameful thing is that while they believe they are "helping" a poverished nation; as you stated the money goes no-where to helping the orphanges.  All that money goes into someone's DEEP pocket.

Because if any of the money was going to help the poverished orphanges, they would be doing alot better by now; with all the IAs.  But still, they are terrible.

ETA:  There is no way to stop it.  $$ buys whatever it wants.

Answer 6

Have you adopted a child because you can't have any of your own???  Do you have any idea of how much a person may want to have a child and they can't, but people are aborting them left right and centerr.  I am an advocate of a woman's right to choice, but I also realize that if abortion had been legal when I was born, I would not be here now.  I was lucky and was adopted by loving and wonderful parents in the 50's.   Now with so many young woman choosing to use abortion as birth control, we don't have the babies for these poor people who can't have their own to adopt and give wonderful lives to.  

So when you use such negative phrases you get everyone on the defensive.  I myself have been blessed with my children but have known many people not as lucky as myself.  I know how much I wanted my family and how I would have felt if I could not have attained it.  

The old saying "walk a mile in another man's shoes", certainly holds true in this case.

Answer 7

It puts people on the defensive, so they can't "hear" the rest of what you're saying. When you (general you, not the asker in particular) want to have a rational discussion about something, you have to avoid being overly combative. The person you're talking to is more likely to listen to a reasoned argument than to name-calling. A reasoned argument will hopefully make someone think, but calling them a name just shuts them down, and honestly comes off as really petty, so it's likely to put other people off what you're saying too.

I would guess that most people going into international adoption do so with good intentions, and some work hard to ensure an ethical adoption.

Even though there are major problems with the system as a whole, calling people names like "baby buyer" that imply they have bad motives on a personal level-- particularly if they didn't, and tried to be ethical in their own situation, even if you disagree with what they decided to do-- won't incline them to work with you for a solution.

Using such negative and hurtful language may make the person who says it feel better about themselves by running someone else down, but it does nothing to facilitate dialogue, give-and-take, or finding solutions.

Answer 8

I get offended because I didn't "buy" my children.  I get offended because you generalize and stereotype all IA parents when it is obvious from your previous responses that you don't understand IA nearly as much as you think you do.  

You may not agree with international adoption.  You may think that the removal of a child from his/her birth country is never justified.  That's fine.  You're entitled to your opinion.

But that's different than calling me a "baby buyer".

I would love to know where you get your statistics,btw.  "Less than 1% of IA fees goes to the care of unhealthy children or children in general."  Is that a validated statistic?  Based on what IA programs?  Cite your source?  Where did your source get that stat?  

I know for a fact that more than 1% of the fees we paid went to support the orphanage where my children resided.  I also know for a fact that our agency didn't "get rich" off of the adoption.  In fact, they work very hard to keep fees as low as possible.  

Do I think that some agencies are charging outlandish fees and some agency directors are drawing equally outlandish salaries, absolutely.  Do I think that some APs adopt for all of the "stock" reasons and do not bother to educate themselves on the reality of child trafficking, Yes.  

But can YOU acknowledge that not all IA is a result of child trafficking?  

ETA: Brain: if the billions upon billions being spent on third world countries is not enough to stop global poverty, why do you think the paltry by comparasion amounts paid by a few international adoptive parents would somehow fix everything?

Answer 9

The $20,000 dollars does not all go to an agency.  Of the aprox.

$ 20,000 we spent on international adoption, $4,000 went to our agency.  Most of it is travel expenses.  In many international adoption programs, adoptive parents travel internationally twice.  That is expensive.  There are also several thousand dollars spent on paperwork filing for immigration.  I'm not saying there aren't programs frought with baby buying (look at Guatemala).  There are ethical considerations with international adoption even if there is no baby buying, and I'm perfectly aware of them and conscientious of them as an adoptive parent, but to say that all parents who adopted internationally "bought" their children is just not accurate.  That is why adoptive parents get offended.  

Have you read Sheri Register's book Are These Kids Yours?  It is written by a mother who adopted two daughters from Korea.  She has become very wary of the ethics of international adoption and really examines many tough issues in international adoption.  I always suggest it to pap's planning to adopt internationally.  I thought you might want to read it, and you might find it's a book you'll want to recommend too.  She wrote anther great book called Beyond Good Intentions as well.  I wish I had read them before adopting instead of after.