Why do CERTAIN people come onto the adoption forum just to tell everybody how evil and wrong adoption is?

Question

Just because these people are obviously bitter from their own bad experiences doesn't make them qualified to judge others situations.

Also, I don't think anybody, adoptee or otherwise, is ever qualified to say that natural families are always best being kept together when possible.

I think a person being willing to adopt makes a more suitable choice for a parent than a person willing to relinquish a child.

BTW, I'm an adoptee.

Answer 1

I don't see how adoption can be evil. Some people freak out if a woman contemplates abortion, then if she does choose adoption, there is still someone saying, "oh that's evil." No matter what you do someone will think its wrong. I hope no body listens to them. Adoption is a wonderful thing, giving children who's parents couldn't support them to good families. I'm sure someone has had a bad experience, but it has also created millions of happy families. Hope this helped.

Answer 2

I think you make valid points, but I do believe that adoptees are better qualified to make statements about the adoption experience than those who have no experience with it. Also keep in mind that not all parents relinquish their children which end up for adoption. Some are taken away in circumstances which are not always valid. Adoption is not wrong. Not in the least. If only the foster care system or CPS were up to par.

Answer 3

It seems that a lot of people have a bug up their A$$ and have to blame somebody for all of their troubles.

I think that a person who wants to adopt is generally (with some unfortunate exceptions) a person who is willing to do absolutely everything in their power (emotionally and financially) for the love of a child of their own.  My friend who has one biological, one adopted and is waiting for another adoption once told me "I gave life to one in the hospital and gave life to the other at the airport". Now that is one of the most touching and profound things I have ever heard.

Answer 4

A person who has to give up a child for adoption is a brave person because she will probably think about that child for the rest of her living life and gave her child to someone who thought they could provide a better standard of living given her circumstances at the time.

In civilised society, an adopted child is usually loved and brought up with the same amount of love as a natural child.

Both my neice and nephew, now 40 and 38, were adopted, and they are adored by the whole family.

Adoption has been given widespread advertising and publicity since celebrities are engaging in it.

As far as I can see, the only downside to adoption is the inability to trace medical records.

It's not evil and it's not wrong.

*-

Answer 5

Why do people come on here and say abortion is wrong and evil?

It is a woman's choice what to do with her body just like it is if she wants to give her child up for adoption.

Everyone is not going to agree on everything so i really wouldn't worry about it. See i am for abortion but not adoption but i am not going to sit here and fight about it.

Answer 6

There are a lot of close-minded people in the world. Unfortunately they are entitled to their own close-minded opinion. The best way to deal with them is nod politely and be on your way.

Answer 7

Unfortunately, there will always be people out there who are going to try to start trouble on these boards by posting controversial things.  We just need to make sure that we are reporting them if they are doing it solely to stir up trouble or they are violating the community guidelines.  :)

Answer 8

I think it has to do with the fantasy land-lets pretend adoption is wondeful mentality, mostly prommulgated by infertile people who want to believe they can cure their problems with a stranger's child.

What a burden to place on a baby, first your mom gives you away and then straight away you are meant to heal a strangers problems, no wonder so many adoptees end up in institutions.

If I was a prospective adoptive parent, I would think it was good information that these cute little babies, when they grow up are not so cute and many are deeply resentful of being adopted.

Especially the ones who can grow up enough to do something other than parrot "my adoptive parents are wonderful" which was crammed down their throat since they were brought into their "forever home"

As the adoptive parent says above, why should people judge what we do with "our" lives, well because it is not YOUR life when you bring an innocent child into it.

People think just because adoptive parents want to adopt that makes them good parents, actually most people who adopt want their OWN BLOOD child and are settling for an adopted one, their anger and resentment grows as the child ages.  Adoptees are MORE LIKELY to be abused by adoptive parents than in bio families.

As for judging others?  Yes, trolling for babies on the internet is wrong, if they are about giving a child a home, call their DSS, these people are not, they are about meeting their own needs and don't give a rat's *** about the baby, the baby is an object, not a person to them.

You need to do a little more research on adoption, and the industries pracitices I suggest you start with "Observations on Adopted Children " 1960 by Dr. Marshall Schechpter, you have a lot of reading to do.

Answer 9

I don't think adoption is evil, and actually I've never heard anyone say that.

I do think adoption AS IT IS PRACTICED TODAY IN THE U.S. has some serious ethical problems--especially domestic infant adoption--and that it's important for people to realize this, research their agencies, understand the dynamics, and do their best to adopt as ethically as possible.

So here is my question: why are some people so threatened by anyone who critiques adoption?

EDITED TO ADD: Adopt-with-love, you have no idea about the particulars of my adoption story, so I'm not sure how you could possibly psychoanalyze my current positions now. If you are truly interested, my story is at my blog:

http://paragraphein.wordpress.com

Hint: I was a senior in college, age 22, with an A average, engaged to be married, from a loving family, employed, when I relinquished my daughter. I actually do know, for certain, that I could have successfully raised my daughter. I know exactly what is involved, because I am now successfully raising another daughter. P.S. How do you know none of us have fostered or supported the U.S. fost-adopt system? I was an adoption caseworker for a time for kids in foster care.

Answer 10

Agreed, you just said that people shouldn't form an opinion of their own experience, and then added that you think adoptive parents are always better for the child (?).

I don't think that people would advocate a mom who is on drugs or abusive raising her child. The question is, ARE a lot of the women considering placing on drugs or abusive?

And if you haven't been the support system for women who've lost their children, and adopted people who are processing their more difficult emotions about adoption, then you probably haven't had any experience with the darker emotions that exist within adoption, which is ok.

But there is a lot of pain involved for a lot of people. And in many cases, that pain is unnecessary and could be prevented.

But it doesn't seem like you really want to listen to the other side of the coin. It sounds like you opened this thread to bash people who really may NOT be bashing adoption as a whole, but rather concerned about exploitive practices that occur in current adoption practices in the US.

It's your life.

Answer 11

If a NON adoptive person were to say that they have had a sh*t upbringing - they are usually allowed to say it out loud to the world without retribution.

Why - then - are adoptees not allowed to voice their grievances in the same way??

Mostly because people like to always tell adoptees that they should be grateful that they weren't aborted.

NICE.  (not)

Adoptees (of any age) should NEVER be made to feel -

* grateful for their existence

* guilty for wanting to search and find their biological family

* guilty for not liking their adoptive parents (because seriously - if they don't like them - they probably weren't good parents to begin with)

* thankful that they weren't aborted

I'm sorry that you feel uncomfortable with seeing another side of adoption that is not all happy-happy-joy-joy.

Your life - your truth - yours to say.

This is my life - my truth - and mine to say.

Do not tell me how I should feel about my adoption.

Do not tell other adoptees how they should feel about their adoptions.

This is a place where people ask questions to the big wide world.

Why is it not a place where all sides of the coin can be shown??

Answer 12

Thank you for your kind comment

Answer 13

because those people have rosy lives, and dont know what it might be like to grow up with a mother who never wanted you, has no money, or isnt mentaly capable.... adoption is a wonderful expression of love, i dont know if i could adopt, it takes a very strong and loving person, to know they are ready to give their lives to a little baby who just needs love...

Answer 14

i think adoption is wonderful before i finally got pregant after 10 years of trying we wanted to adopt but found it hard tp pick a child when there was to many i think adoption helps children who might of been mistreated find secure loving homes. i wish everyone who wanted children could have them

Answer 15

adoption can be wrong in some cases especially where soscial services are involved in the case

Answer 16

actualy I think there are very few people who think adoption is always evil and wrong

we just want people to know

1)most adoptions dont need to happen

2)Adoption is extremly painfull for all relinquishing mothers and leaves almost all adoptees with at least some sense of loss, and they should be alowed to express that without being told how selfsh they are

3)just because people want to adopt it does not make them good people and lots of adoptive parents are abusive and damage those they adopt

4)it is not fair that adoptees do not have the same right to know where they come from that non adopted people have

Answer 17

I agree, my baby sister is adopted, and I couldn't imagine life without her!

Answer 18

Isn't the purpose of asking a question to get the viewpoints from a diverse community of people?  With that diverse set of experiences, the asker can then weigh all of the information and make a decision about their own situation.  Some answerers will have had good experiences, and some bad.  How can someone make a decision if they only hear about one set of experiences?

I agree with the asker that people should not judge .  They should just give an honest answer based on their experiences and resist the temptation to get on a soapbox.

So, I respectfully request that the asker get off his/her soapbox and stop judging other people who have had different, yet equally valid experiences.

Answer 19

The OP wrote:

"I think a person being willing to adopt makes a more suitable choice for a parent than a person willing to relinquish a child."

Really?  Because there are plenty of people out there who are also willing to kidnap a child; does that make them a more suitable choice for a parent as well?  

Do you have a child?  Perhaps then you should put your child up for adoption, because there are people willing to adopt, and that is a MUCH better choice than letting you raise your own baby....

Answer 20

I dunno. I am a foster child myself. I would have rather been adopted out than live with my biological parents!

Answer 21

Amen!!! I don't understand it either. I adopted my son when he was 3, and if I didn't do it, he'd probably be dead right now. The only thing I can think of is maybe they're bitter because they were turned down to adopt a child or maybe they're not strong enough emotionally to adopt.

Answer 22

who knows, sometimes babies and children need to be adopted, and then some ppl are dumb and say it's bad

Answer 23

I think those ppl are just ignorant! A child is a child reguardless. And a child does not ask to be born into the world. It doesnt take blood to make a family. Love is what makes a family! Not to mention some ppl are just not suitable as parents & they at least know this & want more for this child then they can offer!

I just think that when it comes to adoption that we should look in our own back yard before running off to other countries for a child in need. (Like Angelina & Madonna have done just recently.)

Not to mention, look at how many states have the new drop off policy in place! Where a baby under a certain age can be dropped off at any police, fire, hospital, or local welfare office without question. This obviously is to save the life of a child, who may otherwise be in harms way. (Or ending up in a dumpster or bottom of a river... this is from recent stories on the news!)

Well this is it for now... I could ramble forever on this, its how strongly I feel for this issue.

Have a wonderful day! And glad to know your an adoptee. Kiss that wonderful child for me! And HUG yourself... you deserve it!!!

Answer 24

AMEN!!  I could not have said that better myself.  I cannot tell you how shocked I was to find out how many people are out there to criticize what we have chosen to do with OUR lives.

I have since realized a few facts about these people.  Either these women have been adopted and suffered a bad experience from it and are very resentful for their own life situation, or they put their child up for adoption and regret it or feel GUILT from it and have to take it out on others.

My opinoin about their situations would be the following (and let me just add, I would not offer my opinion, however, they feel free to TELL me what I should do....so here goes....)

1.  They feel guilt from placing their own child in a loving home.  Often I hear..."I regret it, I could have done it now that I look back".  Well you know the grass is always greener on the other side.  How do you really know if you could have done it.  Sure thats easy to say now....you didnt have to get up in the middle of the night and feed, deal with colds/flu, miss work or school because the babysitter called you sick, pay for daycare with little money in the bank, run to the ER cause they need stitches or are having an asthma attack, pay the medical bills, buy formula/food/toys/clothes/bedding, deal with temper tantrums, discipline the same behaviors over and over and over again, miss work or school to go to his/her school for conferences.   I dont buy it for a second.........grass is always greener on the other side and when you get to the other side it seems to always turn brown.   Well you didn't raise your child and I DO NOT JUDGE YOU FOR THE DECISION YOU MADE!  SO I request the same respect.  I am sorry that you did not use birth control and got pregnant at the wrong time.  I am sorry that you miss your child and regret having to have made the decision of adoption.   In fact I commend you for making such a difficult decision and you are, in my book, one of the bravest people I know.  BUt now that you feel guilty and regret it, DONT TAKE IT OUT ON ME!!!!

2.  I have found most of these women preach that one should encourage the mother and child to stay together and we should look more to the foster care system to adopt.  Well my answer to that is this....WHERE THE HECK DO YOU THINK THESE KIDS IN FOSTER CARE COME FROM???  I KNOW FOR A FACT that these kids come from families that THOUGHT they can parent and then much later (sometimes after much damage has been done) decided that they cannot parent.  Sometimes the realization that they cannot parent anymore comes after the child suffers many years of abuse and neglect.  Then they are placed in a system that needs lots of revamping and are bounced from one home to another.  Dont get me wrong I am all for adopting children from Foster care but dont tell me that I should turn my head to mothers who are pregnant that KNOW they cannot parent.  Sometimes the mothers and fathers never even come to the realizatoin that they cannot parent.  Sometimes these children are so badly abused and neglected that the State comes in takes them.  So to all those Birthmoms out there that are mature enough and brave enough to say that they cannot parent the child they are carrying G-D BLESS YOU!!!

I have a question for all those "US baby adoption haters", "Why don't you adopt a child from Foster Care since you feel so strongly about it?"  Better yet, why dont you just become a Foster Prent, at the very least.  

Lastly, and finally, in a perfect world would your opinoin matter to me.  Like the asker stated, no one "is ever qualified to say that natural families are always best being kept together when possible."  Everyone has so many issues that need to be considered which makes every situation unique.

To Jacksonsmom, THANKS for the great question and allowing me a forum to finally get it out.  I am so frustrated with being told what I should do from strangers who have not a clue to my life circumstances.

Answer 25

I've never experienced that, so no opinion.  Although, I think adoption is way better than abortion.

Answer 26

Because they don't know the joy that adoption can bring, and they believe everything that they read in the news and see on TV.

I don't understand it either, but it seems stupid.  It is like a PETA member going to dinner at a steakhouse.  You wonder why they choose to place themselves in a hostile situation.

Answer 27

I think that it is very frustrating to witness group-think when it comes to an issue that you know more than the average person about.

The status quo belief on the subject is that adoption is peachy-keen, with no understanding about all of the unethical practices within this multi-billion dollar industry. No understanding about the lifetime anguish it causes first families and adoptees. Some countries and some states within the US are starting to understand, and are changing the laws to make adoption more humane and ethical.

But it is taking time for the general population to learn about the whole truths of this complex industry.

Don't be afraid to learn about the truth. Some of the most dedicated adoption-reform advocates come from loving adoptive families, enjoying full support from their parents. Your assumption that they must have all had negative experiences with their adoptive families shows your own bias...it's not actually true in many cases.

Answer 28

Wow, touchy subject.  

I am an adoptive mother who- except for after reading debates like these- don't think of my son as "adopted" for a second.  I love that child like I can't imagine loving anything else.  Does it hurt me that people try to make me feel like I stole him from his mother or suggest that I have no regard for her feelings and the hurt that she feels every day?  Absolutely. I think about what she is going through every day.   I agree that opinions are just that, opinion.  But how dare anyone judge my family or my son's birth mother for the choices we have made.  I did not force her to get pregnant, I did not force her to make the decision she made, I did not solicit her on the internet, I did not "settle" for an adopted child.  I know that she would have been a wonderful mother to him had she chosen to parent (although he would have been away from her about 80 hours per week while she worked to support him and wouldn't have had a father because the man that got her pregnant wouldn't even acknowledge his existence).  SHE CHOSE adoption (despite almost everyone in her life trying to talk her out of it)- I did not find her, she found us.  I didn't do anything illegal, I won't lie to my son about his roots, I won't keep him from seeing her and knowing her.  I don't think I'm better suited to raise him than she is- she asked me to and I will do the best job I can.

I'm sorry that people have awful experiences with adoption, I'm sorry that there are unethical adoption practices, I agree that adoptees should have rights to their birth information and that adoptive families should help them find it.  But I haven't done anything wrong- I love my son, I have the greatest admiration for his birth mom and it makes me sad to read anti-adoption forums that say all adoptive families are greedy, adoptive families don't care about the child- it's all about what they want, etc. etc.  I would die to save my child's life and while I respect other peoples opinion, I resent the generalizations and suggestions that all adoptive families are only out for their own best interests.

Answer 29

just because I don't believe in adoption doesn't mean my opinion isn't as valuble as anyone else's here. I know alot about the adoption industry and some people enjoy learning about all parts of it, not just the sugar coated ones. Last time i looked this was about adoption, not just happy adoption stories, or sugar coated ones, foggy versions. The truth is the truth. If it hurts hopefully someone will furthur research it and investigate WHY the US is profiting BILLIONS of dollars a year off of it, or why sealed records are a human rights issue, the difference between laws in the united states and other countries around the world, why white babies cost more than any other race.

Some of these things need to be heard, and some people thank me for brining these issues to the table. Since you are an adoptee, you would be happy to know I fight for your rights! For YOUR equality, for your records!! The govt. that seals our records *our meaning every adoptee except 5 states in the country of the United States* is violating your HUMAN RIGHTS. I work day and night for ALL adoptees and won't stop until WE are treated EQUAL to non adopted citizens.

So instead of shunning people who don't only talk about the positive things in adoption ( which i do agree, there are some positive things about it for children who REALLY do need homes ) you should thank them because usually, they're fighting for adoptee rights, and since youre an adoptee, THAT MEANS YOU.

edited to add: eyetwinkles adoptewithlove, i don't appreciate your rude comments that you sent to me privately!! If you don't like my posts, don't read them! And for the record i love love love my adoptive family and they support my activism 100%, will you support your little adoptee when he grows up and wants equal rights like non adopted people? OR will you turn around and call him bitter and assume he came from a bad adoptive family upbringing too?!?! things that make ya go hmmmmm

Answer 30

Some people just like to push their views on everyone else. They are incapable of thinking past what c**p has been put in their heads so they are ignorant to the facts of the issues. I don't believe there is anything wrong with adoption, not everyone is capable of raising a child unfortunately.