Why do Grandparents oppose adopion?

Question

I was getting the "When are you giving me grandkids" question from my mom so I mentioned that hubbie and I are considering adoption. She got upset! She wants a biological grandchild.

I find this to be very selfish of her. It's my body and my decision. I think it's weird that she is so against it.

I think my hubbie and I can conceive - we haven't tried - so my reasons for adoption isn't medical related. I just want to give a deserving child a home.

Have any you other AP or PAPs had this problem?

Answer 1

When I adopted my step-son, my mother was dead set against it.  The first year was really hard, and she definitely treated him differently than my biological son, but in time, she warmed up and realized that he needed her love too, and embraced him with open arms.  Now, after 9 years, they are attached at the hip!  They talk constantly, when he visits, I can't get him to leave!  Some people just need time to adjust and fully understand the situation.  Your mom will probably come around, just give her time.

Answer 2

My husband and I can not conceive and we have adopted 2 beautiful children. My parents welcomed both into open arms and treat them as if they are biologically their grandchildren. My Mother in law was a little iffy at first but she came around and now loves and treats both as if they were born to us. Hopefully your Mom will come around for you. Any child that you have in your care should be a blessing.

Answer 3

Our problem was not issues with adopting, it was issues with adopting through fostercare.  There was a lot of 'concern' expressed from all four grandparents about adopting a child with 'issues'.  My father-in-law especially was skeptical and he repeatedly tried to get us to adopt from China.

However, now that we have the boys, everyone loves them absolutely.  All of the worry has come to nothing and you would never suspect that they were not biological grandchildren.  Even my 'adopt from China' father-in-law proudly shows pictures of his new grandsons to everyone.

Answer 4

I can kind of identify with your mom, but I wouldn't have 20 years ago when I was doing home visits for adoption cases. I absolutely want a biological grandchild (no time soon tho), and really having a baby is nothing like you can even imagine and the downside to adoption is that you really can't control what you are getting... Don't see this as a power struggle with your mother, that will cloud the most important decision of your life. It is possible to do both.

Answer 5

some people oppose adoption and want only bio children and grand children. That's just they way it is. Do they change their minds? Well we have free will and anything is possible. But I am little concerned at what you said by opening you home to a deserving child. All children are deserving of love and a good home.  We are the ones that should prove we are worthy of the responsibility

Answer 6

My mom was very much for me wanting to adopt because she adopted me- so we adopted our 2 children- who are now 19 and 16.  However, my hubby's family was and still is to a certain extent the way your mom is.  The comments my hubby would get from his mom- is "Why would you want to not pass on the family name"- this actually is the nicest of the comments, I would not post some of the things that she said , .  His sister, told me , "because I am adopted, I don't know what the love of a real family is"-  My dear we have to love those parents that do not understand= however you do not have to listen to them, if you and your husband feel led to adopt , go for it- I will pray that once those grand babies come, your family will change their heart and mind=

Answer 7

as an adoptee, i was never considered a "real child" by my a-fathers family, grandparents included.

once my a-dad died, my grandmother on his side stopped talking to me.

Answer 8

I recently adopted a baby boy, and my mother said from my announcement that she wasn't going to love it, wasn't going to go to the hospital, or anything.  

It happened to be that the birth mom did a dose of meth, and I was terrified.  I called my mom, who came to the hospital, and within 2 days, she had to call her attorney to change the will-to include her newest grandson.  She adores him now that he's here.  DHS placed him with us, and never took him into custody as we'd done the paperwork ahead of time.

She admitted to being scared that it wouldn't happen, and she loves her bio grandkids (1 is mine and 1 my sister's), but she says now that she loves my baby just as much, and how could anyone not love a child?

Answer 9

You and your husband need to do what’s right for you. Now hopefully your mother will come around when you get your adopted child. However if she doesn’t that will be her loss. Try not to let her rain on your happiness. You could probably find an elderly woman who would be more then willing to be your child’s surrogate grandmother, if it comes to that.

Answer 10

Why do SOME grandparents oppose adoption? I don't know.

I am a grandparent, of an adopted child, and she is still my grandchild as much as any other that may come into the family. And if my children happen to marry someone who already has kids, they are my grandchildren too. I don't believe that family is limited to only those that happen to have the same DNA as me. But that's just my opinion.

Answer 11

Because they have more expierence than most of us.and they know what they're talking about

Answer 12

they did not do it so you should not do it

Answer 13

I personally haven't had that problem (then again, my parents gave up on me ever doing anything THEY want a LOOOONG time ago, lol), but I have friends who have, and it can be very hurtful to the child.  Maybe you can point that out to them?  Maybe you can gently remind them that you aren't creating your family based on their desires?  I wouldn't be all that "gentle" about it myself, but that's just me.  LOL

Answer 14

maybe she doesn't want any problems in the future regarding the child..?

oh well. no matter what, i'm not against adoption. like you, i also feel that a child deserves a home.

(:

god bless.

Answer 15

I'm sorry to hear that your mother isn't supportive of adoption.  Do you think she would read some books on the subject.  I know there are books written specifically for grandparents-by-adoption, but I can't recall the titles.

My mom and my in-laws were always supportive of the adoption. My mother was worried that we would be "getting in over our heads."  But I reminded her that I never do anything without researching it to the nth degree.  

They are overjoyed with all of their grandchildren, whether biological or not.  My father in law is not my husband's biological father, so he  has no blood ties to any of his grandchildren.  And he's the best grandpa ever!

Good luck!  Let your mom have her reaction time and after she's chewed on it awhile, maybe you two can talk out concerns.

Answer 16

I can't imagine this kind of feeling actually....  However, I do have a family member who has a negative attitude about "adoption" and we simply don't interact with the family member as a result....

I also know that My Grandmother did cause some real hurt to my Aunt and Cousin.... The Attitude did not show up in ordinary life but did in one big blow... My family was moving to a different state and there was a heirloom that was passed down to the "Oldest" girl in each generation... Which was ME... But, it should have gone from my Grandmother to my Aunt and then to me....

My Grandmother deeply hurt my Aunt by passing it Right to me...and when my aunt asked about it My grandmother said she didn't want my much younger cousin to

"get hold of it, as she wasn't really part of the family..."

My aunt was devastated and when we talk today she still says this was the Only Clear bias Grandma had and she never has understood why the remark needed to be made because there was no issue--it was mine no matter who my cosin was--the rule was the Oldest Girl so...no one knows why grandma needed to make the horrible statment she did.

My mother-in-law has made statements that I find interesting these five years later... such as,"I am so surprised I love them like the other grandchildren!"

I am never sure how to take those sorts of remarks... I am assuming that Oma had a fear in her mind that she would not be able to accept adopted children as her own and has been surprised how easy it has been and how much she loves them....Which she really does and it shows so much....

I think that often when people FIRST consider adoption they do need time to PROCESS exactly what this means.... I think that it isn't much different then some adoptive parents I know who when first consider adoption and one or the other make a statement that they "want their own" or "don't want someone elses child" --- It might just be the first gut reaction and then when a person has time to consider the whole issue they may have a different feeling.

Anyway---how our family treats our children is important ... and the amount of contact I allow any of my children with extended family has to do with a lot of issues---and adoption attitude is one of the issues I do consider when allowing my children contact with family members.....