Why do I feel so attached to the man who molested me when i was a child? how do i stop feeling this way?

Question

I was molested by a Sunday School teacher when I was 4 or 5. I didn't realize it was wrong until around 8th grade (and I'm 20 now). All my life, I've felt this attachment to him, even though I don't know him. I even have been feeling attracted to men that are older than my dad because of this attachment. I'm so sick of it, but I feel like there is no way to change all these screwed up feelings... What do you think I should do?

Answer 1

This may sound a little weird, but it worked for me. (I was also molested at the age of 5) Imagine that you are that little girl again and it's your job to protect her. Know her for the child she is, and love her the way she deserves to be loved, and do all you can to protect her innocence... because she deserves it! It's about getting in touch with that inner child again... the "you" that became a victim, and was hurt, and had no one to protect her... the "you" that didn't have a chance and was taken advantage of. Take hold of her and promise her that you will always be there for her and love her and protect her. You will be able to help yourself then, through this sort of "reunion", that is actually getting back to the whole person that you are, rather than leaving that part of you stranded and alone and helpless. It's pretty intense, really. It allowed me to finally come to terms with my own victimization, and let it go (at least as much as is possible). The other thing it allowed me to do was to forgive my abuser and move on with my own life in a healthy, more complete and confident way. This is a tough one! It took me years and years to get to where I needed to be with this within myself, and I still struggle with it from time to time. But, I learned, somehow,  to cope with it finally, whereas before I always felt lost, and alone, and incomplete, and so hurt and confused, and angry and resentful... well, you know! It's h**l! Anyway, there's something very wrong with feeling this attachment you feel you have with this person who robbed you of your innocence and your childhood. It's an illusion! Something else is actually going on here, and you're misconstruing it to the point of not even understanding what it is you are feeling toward this person. It's not your fault, and I don't mean it's anything wrong that you're doing... it's just wrong within itself. Only a professional can help you figure that out and help you fix it... unless you are a firm believer in God. He was always my counselor, and He's the best there is! It's a lifelong struggle overcoming something like this, but you can do it! Do whatever it takes, so you don't have to go through the rest of your life being that precious, helpless, hopeless little victim. That child within you needs healing!

Answer 2

Are you close to your father or did u have a colse relationship? if not maybe u are attached to that manly figure that u never had. Maybe u like that protective feeling?

Answer 3

You don't know him, perhaps that is the need if satisfied would end the mystery and thereby obsession or fixation. Of course people are all individuals and one pedophile is not the same as an other. This childish simplification is the danger, not the fact of the mans age or his infantile fixation; one pedophile could be a killer or mind controlling dictating terrorist and an other could be simply neurotic and unable to relate to women of the same age.

Answer 4

I think you should talk to a phsycologist... You've done really well to make it this far and open up about it.. I know you probably imagine it to be some dumbass shrink with glasses who tells you what you want to here but they are experts in phsycology and can explain to you how the human mind works and how you can adjust your life to the way YOU want it

Answer 5

Deeply forgive this man. We all are doing the best we can with the knowledge we have. If people knew better, they'd do better. Forgive yourself the same way. Ask that you be freed from improper attachments.

Answer 6

This question is not appropriate for Yahoo answers; you should consult a qualified therapist experienced in childhood trauma.  Although if I had to throw some behaviorism out there....

Warning; this will all sound personal, but do not take it that way.

Behaviorism deals primarily with operant conditioning, and classical conditioning.  Classical conditioning is responding to something biologically that you respond to if you are conditioned to respond to it.  Example; lets say a man's normal response when smelling beef is a growling stomach.  If you pair the smell of beef with the smell of incense, after a while, the smell of incense will make the man's stomach growl.  That, is classical conditioning.

Operant conditioning works on much the same principle, only instead of just association, there is behavior involved.

Your attachment to that sick, twisted old man, is rooted in the fact that even small children have responsive sexual organs.  You associate old age with those pleasant feelings, the same way a man associates the smell of incense with beef.  When you are dealing with classical conditioning, all kinds of crazy things can happen, and repeated exposure, can make it so that you respond in that manner even if you don't want to.

See, it is precisely for that reason that you need a qualified professional; only a qualified professional has the training necessary to extinguish those feelings.  The process of extinguishing can be long, drawn out, and painful, so it is better that you seek qualified help.  It also sounds to me like you did not reveal this to your parents, or talked about it with anyone; I hate to tell you this but you will have to expose that douchebag.

As a man I understand hunger and the need for a female but c**p man, wait at least until she's 18 and her genitals are fully grown!  That man needs to be taken off society, so its high time you reported him, but before you do, try to see about other women who were molested by him because odds are you were not the first.  If you have a group behind you, and you get necessary counseling, then the healing can begin.

My apologies for sounding personal but this sounds like way too heavy a question for most Yahoo answerers, seek professional aid immediately, and summon up the courage to tell your parents.  Tell your mother first, then have her tell your father; if you tell your father he will respond violently.  Only your mother likely has the capability to reason with him so he doesn't do something stupid.

good luck.