Why do I feel so guilty right now after finding out my birth mother killed herself because of me?

Question

I just turned eighteen and my parents told me about my bio-mother . They knew her mother (my bio grandmother) and that's how they got me. I've always knew I was adopted but I was never told about my mother, other then she died shortly after I was born. I have now found out my mother was a 15 year old girl who was raped several times by my bio father (who was a family friend of my bio-grandmother). She got pregnant and when she was eight months pregnant with me, she slit her wrists. I was induced and she died several hours later. I feel really guilty right now, I what to talk to my bio-grandmother, but my parents say she hates me because she thinks it's my fault her daughter is dead. My parents say it's guilt because she forced her daughter to have me. But I'm the one who feels guilty, after finding this out I can't sleep or eat. Because I existed, she killed herself. Has anyone else here found out bad stuff when they were told about their bio-parent, how did you deal with it.

Answer 1

i think you should listen to your parents and all these people. its not your fault but having guilt is absaloutly normal for someone that has been through something like this, your bio - mother was young and raped i would probably have done the same if i was her but im sure she didnt do it to hurt you!

OPTIONS:

- couselling is always good

- try and contact ur bio - grandmother

- try and fing out the WHOLE truth

- dont worry about it x*x were all thinking of you and be niice to your parents because they obviosly know its your fault and they want to look afetr you if you ask them for help they will help you thats why they adopted you, they love you just a s much as your real mum did... and as for your bio - grandmother dont worry about it shes just going through the same sort of thing as you xx give her a bit more time and let her know that u want to contact her xx

guk look

i pray 4 you man!! xxxxxxxxxx

Answer 2

it's not your guilt it's her fault for getting raped she should had protected her self like every other women or teenager.

Answer 3

I have soooo many tears in my eyes.  Sweetheart, please just know that you are NOT alone in this.  Your feelings are totally normal and natural.  I once felt the same way.  I am also a product of rape.  My birth mother was raped repeatedly and beaten by her father, my bio-father and grandfather.  When I found out, I felt dirty and ashamed and wanted to just run and jump in the shower as though it had happened to me!!!  But you gotta know this, it is in NO WAY YOUR FAULT.  Your mother was dealing with the trauma of being raped.  It had NOTHING, I mean NOTHING to do with you.  

I was one of those who had to know all the facts and went digging them out for whatever they were worth.  It's part of you so you do have a right to know these things.  You just have to make sure that you are ready for the real, harsh truth.  If you feel in your heart that you want to contact your bio-grandmother after you have had some counseling, then by all means, DO IT!  Just don't take on all that guilt that isn't yours.  That guilt belongs to the man who, like my bio-father, took advantage of your mother.  

Honey, I will keep you in my prayers.  It's alot to deal with.  I have known for years and I am still dealing with it.  If you EVER need to email someone who has had some what of a similar experience, please don't hesitate.  Just remember, you are always entitled to your own feelings, no matter what or who says otherwise.  Take it one step at a time and do what's best for you.... Hope this helps.

ETA:  I don't know what version of the Bible one of the other posters use but mine doesn't say that at all.  THAT'S A BUNCH OF c**p TO BLAME THE RAPE VICTIM!!!!!!!!   WHAT A JERK!  I am sorry someone said such shallow things to you.  Don't listen to that.

ETA:  Auntcook said it so right (my family always tells me that:  "something beautiful came from this traumatic experience and that's you."  Remember that.

Answer 4

It is not your fault.

I am so sorry.

Come to AdultAdoptees.org

Answer 5

Your mother killed herself because she was raped, not because she was pregnant. If she had gotten pregnant with you because she slept with a much-loved boyfriend, she would not have died..

It's NOT your fault..

Being raped is such an awful traumatic thing that some people just can't handle it..  Your mother couldn't..

In your grandmother's case, losing a child is such an incredibly painful thing that she may feel the need to blame someone.. she may not realize that, whether your mom had an abortion, or never even got pregnant from the rapes, she would have still been pretty "messed up" from being raped....and very likely still attempted suicide.  

I've known of LOTS of girls who who slit their wrists (most didn't die) after being raped..pregnant or not pregnant.. All rape victims are widely known as extremely high suicide risk..

I've known one rape victim who slit her wrists, but was found in the bathroom by her sister, who got her to the hospital and she survived.. The victim was SOOO thankful she survived, once she found  out she was pregnant.. She said she never would have attempted suicide if she'd known she was pregnant, because her baby hadn't done anything to deserve to die..

What I'm saying is I can promise you it wasn't the pregnancy, it was the rapes.. you didn't do that..

But it is normal for you to feel guilty like this.. it's very common.. I also suggest counceling.

ETA:  It's true that the pregnancy might have kept "Reminding" her of the rape, but trust me, even if she hadn't been pregnant, there would have been plenty of OTHER things that would have kept reminding her of the rape.. she'd have seen his face everywhere, she'd probably would have still had nightmares, reliving it over and over and over... it still wasn't because she was pregnant or felt you move..

Answer 6

It's not your fault that she killed herself. Don't blame yourself. I know it must be hard for you, because it's all you can think about, but remember that she was confused and lost.

You can turn your story into one that does good by joining the pro-life movement. If you want to share your story to inspire others who are considering suicide, that would be a wonderful thing (not inspire them to commit suicide, but inspire them to go on with life).

Answer 7

So sorry that you have to try to understand and deal with this.  The fact is nothing we say on here can make it better it is something that you will have to come to peace with on your own.  However, you cannot blame yourself.  You bio mother was dealing with a lot more than being pregnant.  She was dealing with the pain of rape.....something that would have haunted her with or without a baby.  Your Grandma should have gotten her help.

Answer 8

I'm so sorry.  That's such a sad thing to live with and such a heavy burden for anyone to carry.  

What happened to your mother was not your fault.  The responsibility lies with the man who raped her and in part to her own mother (your bio grandmother) for not protecting her from him and then not handling the situation well after your mother ended up pregnant.  

Are you getting any therapy?  I think that anyone who knows things like this about their mother and how they were conceived and born, and feels guilty as you do about it, really needs to talk to a professional about it.

It is not a good idea to talk to your bio grandmother if it will just traumatize you further.  Speak to a therapist, please.  You cannot bear this all by yourself, it's just too much.

Answer 9

Holy smokes! What a load to put on someone!! Sounds like the grandmother cannot admit that this man would make such a grave mistake as he did, and that she is redirecting her anger at anyone else...It's not your fault at all! Anyone could see that..I know logically you can too..But, that does not take the guilt away...You are really going to have to work through this and see that that family was quite honestly, nuts..Prayers for ya!

Answer 10

Your mother was very young, and seems to have not been in her right mind when she made the decision to kill herself.

I'm sure she knew that you would survive, and probably loved you very much. If her mind was in the right place, she would never have done such a horrible thing to herself.

You have to know that she loved you very much - I mean she took care of you for 8 months. And it seems she took very good care of you because you are alive today.

Answer 11

Your birth mother didn't kill herself because of you. She killed herself because she was raped, got pregnant, and was forced to have you. None of that is because of you. It's because of a piece of sh*t guy who did something very wrong. Your bio-grandmother probably doesn't hate you as much as she hates herself because if she didn't force her daughter to have you her daughter would still be alive. She probably doesn't want to see you because that would make her feel worse. You need to go to counseling and get some help with the guilt you're feeling because you need to understand that it is not your fault, never has been your fault, and never will be your fault. It is your birth father's fault and your bio-grandparents fault.

Answer 12

Don't feel guilty, it was your mother's fault she got pregnant with you.  You mother killed herself because she did not ask God for forgiveness for her sin of being sexually impure.  There is no such thing as rape, your mother did something to influence your father to have s*x with her.  Many women are fooled by the devil to believe they are the victims, not the poor men they seduce.  If she would have married your father and begged God for forgiveness for being impure, she would have found peace in his mercy.  Also God does not bless women with children unless they want them.  She  enjoyed the sexual encounter with your father, you existing proves that.  Your mother killed herself because she did not let God into her heart.  By giving birth to you, she would have found favor with God.  Do not feel guilty about your mother's many sins, they are not yours.  The best thing you can do is spread the word about God and his mercy and love.  Maybe work with other raped victims, help them pray to God for forgiveness for their sexual sins.  By saving them and speaking of your experiences, they will turn to God for forgiveness and be saved.  Turn your mother's selfish sinful behavior into something pleasing in his eyes.

Answer 13

And I thought I had adoption issues.....

Hon, your birthmom killed herself because of the rape, and how the adults around her handled it.. not because of you.  

Get to a counselor.  SOON.  No-one here has the expertise to help you deal with this long distance.  You need to be seeing a professional.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 14

Stop blaming yourself, your Mother was to young to have a baby and what made it worse she was raped. Your grandmother should be the one to feel guilty, She forced her daughter to give birth from a rape. Grandma should have seen to it that the rapist was put in prison! It is not your fault that your Mom slit her wrists and died. It is the rapist fault! God seen fit that you were to live and now you can stop feeling guilty, Just take it a day at a time! Good Luck!

Answer 15

Your BIO grandmother has a bridge to sell. NO, she doesn't blame you! That's just B.S.   . The only thing that's wrong with her is, she has this guilty feeling because she KNOWS it was mostly her fault. No 1...It was HER friend that raped your mom..She can't bear to think about that so she refuses to talk to you. She doesn't want a reminder of the hurt she caused.

      No 2...She was wrong in forcing mom to have a baby  at 15, having no control over her life.  At that age, there are too many other emotional things going on.

If you feel like you need to talk to the BIO grandma, by all means, DO IT!  Don't spare HER feelings. She didn't spare yours by having no contact with you. Believe me. In the embryo stage, nobody could accuse you of being  responsible for anything!!!! You were an innocent bystander.

You need to THANK your adoptive parents because they saved you from maybe foster home after foster home and being thrown out into the cruel world at the age of 18 with no place to go and trying to fend for yourself. These people are two of the many Angels we have to take care of us when nobody else will. They were afraid to tell you because they didn't want to hurt you!!!  Bottom line!  Glad you are here!

Answer 16

i know why you feel the guilt you do but just remember that what happened wasn't your fault but the fault of the male who did this atrocity to your natural mother you do need to talk to someone to get your head around this and so does your nat grandmother who should see you as the person who has lost the most and not the one to who blame is put on i wish you well for the future

Answer 17

I would try to get hold of my adoption file - and find out the truth for myself.

I would also try to make contact with the grandmother - again to find out the real story.

I have known many adoptees that were lied to - and I certainly hope that you weren't - but until you can search out your truth for yourself - then you will truly never know.

I think it's extremely unfair that anyone should blame you for anything. You are the absolute innocent in all of this.

I'm so sorry that you have been told this. That must hurt like h**l.

I feel guilty because I know that my first mother is an emotional cripple because of my relinquishment and adoption - because her mother sent her away to have me in another state - and told her 'Don't come back with that baby!' - simply because she was not married.

My father had offered marriage - but that didn't matter. They married just 6 months after my birth.

My mother went home - and was never allowed to grieve or to talk about me.

I do hope that you find some concrete answers. This is your story to find out - and for me - I couldn't fully believe things until I had talked to the people actually involved.

Whatever you decide - I wish you all the very best.

If you ever need any support - please email me through my profile - and/or come on over to the best support forum I've found on the internet -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 18

You are completely normal to feel this way. Your birth mother probably had strong feelings of hatred toward your birth father for putting her in this position. Your Grand Mother may have strong feelings of regret becasue she wouldn't allow her gaughter to have an abortion. It's not your fault, you didn't make her kill herself. She was probably in a state of emotional distraut  and she wasn't thinking clearly when she made her decision.

Answer 19

OMG, I'm so incredibly sorry.  Please know its NOT your fault.  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 20

I am glad to hear that you are in counseling. Hopefully you have a councilor that you can trust and will eventually help you understand that you are not at fault.

Your biological mother was very young and did not know how to deal with her traumatic experience. She should have received better treatment and "tying someone up" is not the way t do it. There are in patient facilities that could have treated her better than the Pastor.

It does not sound like any of this was about you. It was about the person that raped her. Getting pregnant with you may have been a result of the rape, but it was not the cause. You did not do anything to your birth mother. You do not have anything to feel guilty about.

I agree with your parents that your Grandmother is feeling guilty so she is choosing to take it out on you. I think you should write a letter to your bio Grandmother, tell her how you feel.  But don't send it to her yet. You and your councilor can decide when the time is right to send it to her. Then the ball will be in her court for further contact.

Answer 21

I am sure it's normal to feel guilty although I am not sure why since you had no say in the matter. Your Biological mother must have been distraught from the rape. Her parents should have gotten her some counseling for the rape. It was in no way your fault that she killed herself and I am sure if she could she would tell you the same thing. You should feel some sadness, but should also be so glad to have been saved. I think if it was me, I'd be more MAD at my mom for taking her own life and almost mine.  Question: are adoptive parents loving and did they provide you with everything you needed,? If so be grateful. I wasn't adopted but my best friend was. She found out that her mom was 16 when she got pregnant and gave her up but the father and continued to date and after college married. When she found them, she was high power attorney and he was a pilot, and 4 other kids. They didn't want anything to do with her they said because it would destroy their image in the community and they also told her that having her would have ruined their life as it almost did.

I know she was very upset and like you had problems eating and sleeping but her adoptive parents told her that if it weren't for biological parents, they wouldn't have had her and that she was their angel sent by God. She got through it, and now counsel's pregnant teens. So hang in there, talk to someone,( your parents would be a good starts)  and remember your mom had problems and it's not your fault.

Answer 22

It is not your fault that your mother killed herself.  She had many demons and a life that isn't even born yet cannot be one of them.  I have a friend who was raped and decided to keep the twin babies.  She has told me how now that she is married and has children with a man whom she loves, her feelings towards those new children is so much stronger.  She said that every time that she looked at the twins, it just reminded her of the rape.  It wasn't the children who were to blame...it was just the emotions that they brought up that was a daily reminder.  Your grandmother probably feels a lot of blame for not protecting her daughter, letting a friend be the one to do this, and then the fact that your mother committed suicide was just another reason for your grandmother to feel blame.  She might have tried to pawn off some of the blame onto you to make herself feel better. I bet it didn't work though.  Once you are 18 than you can make the decision on your own if you want to try to meet her.  Time does heal some wounds but just be prepared that you might strongly resemble your mother or father and this could stir up a lot of emotions for your grandmother.  Just remember that those are her problems and issues and you are not responsible in any way for her past regrets.

Answer 23

Oh my goodness...I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this terrible news!!  First off, you were not the reason why your mother killed herself.  She was abused violently not only by the hands of your biological father but abused by HER mother (your grandmother) for allowing this to happen!  That puts all kinds of guilt on granny, but instead of her owning it, she put the guilt on you so she doesn't have to live with it.  That is so very wrong!!!  YOU had nothing to do with it...YOU were not even born when this decision was made...and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!!  Bottom line is your mother made a decision, no one else made that decision for her, and you need to understand that whether she was pregnant with you or not she was going to do this anyways.  You are something very beautiful that came from something very tragic and seeing you is a constant reminder to granny as to how badly that whole situation was handled.  This is not your burden to carry...please don't do it....circumstances are what they are...and again, she would have killed herself anyways whether she was pregnant or not.  Please talk to a professional counselor in regards to this.  This is a terrible bombshell they put on you!!

Answer 24

Its not your fault. That horrible man ultimately caused her death. Please seek pshycholigical help to come to terms with what you have learned. She killed herself because of the trama she had to endure, not because of you. In this matter, you were nothing but an innocent baby. Be thankful for your life and that you had a chance to find out your history, no matter how harsh it was.

Answer 25

Ok first of all you are not in any way responsible for your bio mothers death. She did it to herself. Rape is a horrible thing but really has no bearing on you at all. YOU did nothing!! It cant possibly be your fault - you werent even born yet.

Obviously she had problems she couldnt handle.

If it continues to bother you - go to a counselor.

Answer 26

It was never your fault.  This women obviously suffered from deep depression, that should have been treated.  It is ok.  I am also adopted, however i have never searched out my bio-parents my mom and dad know nothing about them.  Good luck

Answer 27

i found out what my bmother put herself through, for many reasons not just me. but i did feel some guilt. i have a advantage over you, i have her now and can talk to her about this.

your guilt is understandable, but misguided. your bmom made a choice, you had no voice or say in this. you cant allow her death to be on your head. it wasnt your fault. she was in pain over the events that led to your birth, not to you as a person. in the state she was in, that would be very hard to keep separate in her mind.

as for your grandmother. she is looking for a reason to pass blame. she doesnt want to face the reality of what happened to her daughter and the fact that this happened at the hands of someone she brought into their lives. it is her guilt of her part in this that is leading her to the anger toward you. its called denial. she cant accept the fact that she couldnt or wouldnt stop the events and it hurts her, you are a reminder of that.

i would be very cautious of having contact with her. it could be hurtful to you. you may want to give it some time. allow yourself the chance to absorb this and understand that you did not cause this. because not one part of this story is your fault. none of it.

you need to make sure you are comfortable knowing that, believeing that, or contact with her could bring on a whirlwind of bad emotions for you.

remove yourself from all this and look at it from the outside. would you blame a baby for harming a mother? is it the babys fault? did he/she maliciously do this?

if you can do that i think you will be able to see things more clearly.

i wish you the best of luck. i hope you are able to put your guilt in perspective and move on to healing from all this.

Answer 28

Honey, you don't know the truth until you search.  It could be anything.  Until you speak with the woman yourself, you don't know.  

It could be an agency lie.  All of it.  I have seen that happen.  They may be trying to discourage you from searching.  If this is true, its NOT your fault.  The man that did this is to blame.  He is the horrible human being.  YOU ARE NOT.  You are still an innocent.  I can't imagine telling a child this even for your age.  Until you know for sure, please don't dwell on this.  I know a mother who was in your mother's shoes.  She doesn't feel this way towards her child. She is fighting hard to get her daughter back.  I know a few mothers who were raped.  They don't feel this way towards their child.

Answer 29

I agree with Possum.  My first thought when reading your question is that when you suggested seeking out your biological family, the answers given to you seem to sway you out of seeking out the answers for yourself.  Time changes perspective of what happened.  If indeed your mother went through such horrible circumstances, the amount of time has passed to change someone's immediate gut reaction to whether or not they will ever have contact, or whether or not blame is being laid at someone fairly or not.

What matters is what actually happened, not someone else's interpretation of what had happened.

Answer 30

You are totally normal to feel this way. So there is nothing wrong with you that you feel guilty! Any human being would, but that guilt is wrong. NOTHING is your fault! That being said, you need to understand though, that it was NOT your existing that caused her suicide. A normal person who is not depressed will not kill themselves. She had other problems that led to her suicide, and it was not you at all. It was her depression, or her rapist. Not her baby.

I'm sorry to hear this sad story :(  Just remember that everything happens for a reason and that you are with your adopted parents for a reason. They love you and you are something special to them. And that's all you need to know.

Answer 31

I am so sorry about this- and if I was in your shoes, I would feel the same, however my sweet friend, it is not your fault- your bio-mother killed herself- the one to blame is the one that raped your mom, not you-  your bio-grandma should understand that as well.  I was never told anything bad about my birth mom, but I just want to encourage you-  if you need to contact your biological grandma be sure to do it with your parents- the news enough is devastating without having more guilt thrown at you.  Know that I will be praying for you, God can help you with that guilt- and remember it is false guilt- you did nothing wrong, you did not ask to be conceived.  The ONLY guilty party here is the rapist-  I am very sorry your bio mom felt that she needed to do what she did, but know that you are special and God loves you and your family loves you

I would suggest some counseling to help you through this.