Why do I feel so guily, is this a part of my ex husband's manipulation?

Question

I left him for infidelity, and left my old cell ph bill ($500) in his name. Then got into a fight a week ago and broke his window ($300) he fired a gun ($200) in fines and his ccw suspended. Now I have all 3 kids with me. Had to move and start completely over and he is complaining of $800. I have been gone for 2 mos now and he has not helped me out financially yet. I calculated at the bare min of $150 a week which totals $1350. When I mention anything about money, he saiad well you did leave me with a $500 cell ph bill. Now it's, well you did come over and break my window which cost $300 (added on his rent) and pushed HIS buttons and made him fire his gun. which I don't see as being my fault. Now school time is coming around and he refuse to help. He said if I never broke his window, that would have been $300 towards the kids. That's BS b/c prior to that it was the old cell ph. He makes really good money, and I KNOW he is spending it on these h*es out here. I feel like I was forced to file for Child support, which I know when he get the papers it will cause him to not even want to see his kids, and that's the hurtful part that I have to handle with my babies.

Answer 1

no he needs to pay up and stop being a deadbeat.  

Answer 2

Well, you feel guilty because your husband has mastered the art of manipulating you (and apparently the other women who are crawling in and out of his bed right now).

He is speaking a lot of half truths.  Tennison once said "A truth, which is half a lie, is ever the blackest of lies".  I liked this quote because it exposes the truth of it, of people who start out with a correct fact but use it to draw an incorrect conclusion but make the conclusion LOOK valid at first glance.

But, look at the basic accounting of the situation.  If he is so upset at this $800 (I am discounting the gun fine only an idiot thinks that someone else MAKES them threaten their unarmed wife with a gun), then tell him you can factor it into your divorce settlement and add this to the combined debt for your marriage.  This is logical to do if it alleviates your guilt as well as takes away this manipulation tool.

However, as any good book-keeper knows:  You separate your expenses and don't cross categories.  You don't put a rental expense as a depreciated asset.  Here is the lie exposed.

Child care expense.  By definition this is not for the father.  It's not for the mother.  It's not for repairing a broken window at his apartment, it's not for a cellphone bill.  Shockingly enough - its for the children.

Child care expenses are for the kids, it puts shoes on their feet, books in their hands and food on their plates.  It gets them into soccer and pays for their swimming lessons.  So when he denies this, does he know or care that he willingly denies his own children these things interfering with their education and quality of life?

He would be so thoughtful as to buy a bike as a gift, but not provide for them for school?  And think this is acceptable?  Your logical course of action is to bring in officiated child care, calculated and enforced.  

Should you feel guilty for getting him to provide for his/your children?  As their primary care provider that's in your job description.  A good mom looks out for the best interest of her kids.  But feeling guilty for being a good mom isn't in the job description.

Should he feel resentful for providing for his children?  A good father would not.  If he does not want to pay his share to support the kids, your course of action is not something to feel guilty about.

As well the courts will see it in your favor for doing this, by being a good provider and taking reasonable action to make sure your kids are provided for.  I would also keep careful track of his unwillingness to pay, the court may frown upon that in your future proceedings.

Still feel guilty?

Answer 3

just worry about the kids and their care.  he needs to help care for them.  Just ignore the conversations about the 300 here, the 500 there.  MONEY MONEY MONEY!!   There is alot more to life .   The kids do need the support though, so stop fretting and just do what is right.

Answer 4

Well no matter what, he is responsible for paying child support, now you are responsible for the window since you broke it, he also provided you with a cell phone, if all the $500 is yours, then that totals $800, that you should credit him....if you are sharing the cell phone bill then just half it....$250, so that would not total $550.  

Your cell phone bill is outrageous, and I would question giving you money for child support when there appears to be a problem.  but as long as you have the children, and if you feel that he will not pay you regularly or will have trouble in any way, make sure that those payments go through the court....because they can garnish his wages, and put him in jail if he does not pay.

Be a responsible parent and don't run up such bills that will interfere or hamper feeding and clothing your children.  Also the judge will decide on the amout you are due as far as child support.  he takes into consideration how much he makes and what you make, how many children, and bases his decision on this.

Answer 5

Your children have a right to be supported by both parents.  It's a shame he didn't volunteer to pay something, so regardless  that's his fault, not yours.  And if he doesn't want to see the kids, it's a shame to a point, but that's not your fault either.  Don't let him make you feel guilty.        

Answer 6

file for the child support, no matter what. he enjoyed making those babies, noe he has to support them . its the LAW. do not feel giulty. HE did this, not you.

Answer 7

children need their needs taken care of from parents..you didn't have thier children on your own..file for child support and settle these issues in court..making people accountable for parenting is a very wise thing to do

Answer 8

Yes dear it is just the start of him still thinking he can still manipulate

you.But you did the right thing getting you and the children away from him.

Don't worry about him seeing your children he's a dangerous man right now and was before to have around you or your children.Plus he was abusing you and you don't owe him a dime he owes you.And hon it is only right to have him pay for the support of you and your children forget about the money he tells you you owe him as he's the one that cost you

the marriage he wreck so I would think a thing about anything he has to

say let him tell it to the courts.This almost cost you your life and you did have a right to be angry, You should now move on with your life and take time never to repeat picking a man ever again like that one.

Give yourself time to heal.You have suffered lots with abuse and his cheating, so spend your time now with your children for they have gone though allot to and need you more now then ever before.If you have a relative or can find a good baby sitter (have a check made on them first) so you know they can be trusted with you wee ones.Then

go for workouts or walks with your children don't keep to the house and put a peace bond on that x husband of yours as well and never go back to him no matter how he will tell you he has changed they don't .

But staying in an apt.will be bad for your recovery and the children's

to join the Y.M.C.A. they have lots of thing there you and your children can do.And it doesn't cost much at all.So get healing and don't just stay to your self cz you need friends and will find lots of  women friends at the friends Y. that are single and raising children too! Then  

do your up grades and fine a job as to help you be independent again

and with the help of support you can feel allot better about you! Hope this helps my dear almost all of us has been there.        

Answer 9

He's using excuses and you're giving them to him.