Why do I have to see my mother if I don't want to?

Question

I moved out a month ago now and I'm soooo relieved to have finally escaped. We didn't get on whilst I was there but yet she seems to have this bizarre expectation of regular calls, she said to call everyday but this is too excessive I thought,...''who else do you want me to talk to?'' she exclaimed, so I agreed to once a week and I'm struggling with that. I think once every 2 wks is reasonable. Now she wants to come round to know the place but I don't want her negative and critical vibes around me. She has NO FRIENDS and I somehow feel obligated cause she's my mother, but the simple truth is I can't stand her.

What should I do?

Answer 1

be thankfull that you have a mum and that she cares about you......some people dont have that and would love to be in your shoes....one day she wont be there and then you will regret all what you have said.....be happy its your mum.....whats once a week......goodluck......

Answer 2

Pick up that phone and Say to her "Hi, I was just thinking about your visit and I'm sorry mom, I just need a breather to get used to my new house and all and you won't let me move on with my own life. I'm sorry, but I think it's a bit too much. I'm not going to place a time to visit you, but I think once a week is a bit too much at the moment, as I've only just moved out and need to get a move on with MY life. Bye. (I know It's hard, but put down the phone, if she talks then block her out. Act as if you're on Voice-Mail and she isn't there. You are not being unreasonable, but how can you have your own life with her butting in 24/7. Whenn you're ready, visit her. Don't leave it too long or she will think you want her out of your life forever. I would say... about 1 week, 2 weeks? Hope I helped? Bye xx

Answer 3

you no... NO parent is perfect and make mistakes like every other person in this world, and even though there is oviously problems, u should try to remember that cause she is still your mother and that is a love that only exist once in a life time. You just need to try to come to a conpromise of some kind, no matter how hard.  it does sound like your the only one she has in her life so maybe u shouldn't abandon her completely just for the fact she did give birth to you, so maybe try to be the bigger person here and do whats morally right just for the meer fact she is your mother who sounds like needs help. U no the most important thing is life is: family. And who better to help family in life is family...just try to think about what i've said here

Answer 4

I cant believe how many people are chastising you for not getting along with your mother.  Get real people.

Right, I'm also a mother, and I would be mortified if my kids stopped speaking to me, but then again I also totally get your problem.  

I also stopped meeting with my mum when I first moved out, we had no contact for at least 6 months.  I also had to make the dreaded phone call telling her that I couldnt meet with her for a while, and that when things were clearer in my mind then we could meet again.  Thankfully she understood this, and finally we met up and have sporadic contact now, we only have that so that she has contact with the grandkids.  Again if things get too much then I will again ask for space, which she always understands.

Do not let other posters make you feel bad for this, they do not know your situation, and they also do not know what has happened in your personnel life.  Additionally - giving birth to a child doesnt give you automatic control over it for the rest of there life.

What you could do, if you really cant face seeing her is promise to write to her once a week/fortnight that way she knows you are safe.

Remember - you have moved out now, you can plan and run your own life.

xx

Answer 5

Maybe u shld sit down with her, talk and discuss what it is about her that u cant stand. Maybe she is not aware that she pi55es u off so much. It might help her to change the way she is, then maybe u can get on better with her. After all, she is the woman who gave u life. Dont give up on yr relationship with her, she's obviously lonely and needs some sort of company or contact with her daughter. Dont be too hard on her.

Answer 6

Why did you move out?

Was it because you didn't like your mother as a person?

Then why would you want to continue to interact with her?

Was it because she was controlling your life, not giving you any breathing room?

Then why are you still allowing her to do this?

.

Write your mother a letter. Be polite, be respectfull (she is still your mother) but make it clear what you do and don't want in your relationship with her as a fellow adult. Tell her you'll always need her as your mother, but you also need to form an adult life independant of her.

If you don't want to call her once a week or have her call you once a week..just tell her you'll give her a call "soon" but you're going to be kinda busy so you're not sure when that will be....the next time you end a call with her. The same way you would promise a friend. I mean, you don't promise your closest friends that you will always call them on a certain day of the week at a certain time, right?

Then don't promise her.

Use an answering machine with Caller ID to screen your calls. If you're not in the mood to talk...don't pick up. If it's an emergency call from her..she can leave a message and you can return her call. (Tell her you were using the bathroom when she called.

If she protests no more regular calls and asks "...who else do you want me to talk to?..."

Tell her who she talks to is really none of your business. Don't let her make you responsible for her happiness. It a form of controll....you know..the controll you moved out to get away from? She is an adult and responsible for herself. Suggest that if she wants someone to talk to...to join a club.

Tell her to always call before she comes round and then always have an excuse ready for why she can't "this time" if you're not in the mood to put up with her. Think them up in advance, make them something she can't arque away, write them down and keep the list by your phone so you won't be caught off guard.

Dealing with a controlling mother is not easy, especially when others arque that she's your mother and you owe her this and that.

But the bottom-line is some mothers are best kept at arm's length.

Answer 7

She remembered the money you owe her ?

Answer 8

As a mother of grown children I can tell you it's hard to let them go. You need to sit down with her and tell her face to face that you don't want to be her one and only friend. You need to tell her you have grown up and she is smothering you. Do all this in a nice way. Start by reminding her that you appreciate her love but not all the attention. Encourage her to get out and try new things, hobby's and meet new people. Reassure her that you love her and also remind her that she raised a pretty good kid so she can relax, you will be ok.

Answer 9

Get a new number and "forget" to tell her?

Answer 10

The simple fact that you can't stand your mother is disgraceful. She obviously loves you. If not, she too would be wanting to only hear from you every 2 weeks. Correct?

Stop thinking about yourself. She is your Mother!!  

Answer 11

show her around your flat. if shes criticises state something you dont like in her home. donot be persuaded to give her a spare key. buy a answer phone. and monitor who calls. but speak to her once aweek or she will turn up thinking your sick. if she at door put a coat on and say you on way out.

Answer 12

if you dont owe her money dont answer the phone

Answer 13

Say "hey mom I think  I need a breather for a little bit just some space away from the family to get addjusted to my new house etc.. it may take some time to get used to but I need to get used to this so I can feel comfortable living here"Yea I know its cheesy but who cares hope this helps

Answer 14

Remember she's your mother. the person who gave u life, fed u, educated u all these years. like u said, she has no friends and may be her personel life. but remember she does it cause she loves u and wants to protect u.

u should give her a tour and maybe have dinner or something at least once a month and call her once or twice a week. Tell her that u love her a lot but u need a little space and that it is time for your own life.

Answer 15

come on man she is your mother show more respect because she is not going to be with you forever.I mean thanks to her you are here atleast she shows her son some love..you should appreciate that