Why do I still have no wedding ring?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. The first year we were together, my boyfriend's parents thought we were going to get married because of a rumor his brother started. He told his dad that if things went good, he would propose to me by the end of the year. The end of the year came and went and when I asked him about it he said he was just trying to shut his dad up about the whole marriage thing.

Now all we ever do is joke about being married. We have been together through college so we've endured some really tough times (and probably still tough times to come). So why do you think he hasn't proposed? Should I consider moving on? What is the normal time to wait for a proposal? Any advice or thoughts would be deeply appreciated.

Answer 1

This is, obviously, just my opinion, but this is the 21st Century and a guy doesn't have to be the only one to propose...  

IF you REALLY love him, you need to resolve this, because you're giving away the best years of your life.  Since he hasn't asked, there's a good chance he doesn't want to get married - not that he doesn't love you, he's just "lazy" and wants to have his cake and eat it too.  Maybe he's not ready for kids.  By three years, though, you both have a good idea of what each other is like.  Yes, you'll know more at seven, ten or 15, but this is a pretty good chunk of time.  

I think you should ask him - it'd be a shame to walk away from him JUST because he didn't ask you and not know why he didn't.  If he hims and haws, though, it's time to move on.  (For all you kids listening out there, this is why moving in before marriage is such a bad idea - you're ready to move on but you're stuck in a home, with a lease, have to split common property).  I know it's tough and our ability to deny to ourselves what is obvious is very deep, but you know what you need to do.

I wish you the best, and look forward to seeing your name in here asking about wedding advice...

Answer 2

i was with my boyfriend for 3 years, through college, then he joined the military and i had no idea if he was going to propose or not. we had talked about it, and i threw a fit about it because i was scared of him leaving. when he came home on leave for 3 weeks he asked me...so it will happen when it does, it cant be rushed or it will feel forced and that could cause unwanted problems. be honest with him and he will be honest back, or should be!

Answer 3

I can see your situation from both sides. People change alot until they reach their mid-twenties. I am not one for long engagements (that's just me......for other people it's fine for them). BUT if he doesn't know by now then I would really rethink where you stand in your current relationship. Maybe taking some time off to regroup, and see what you both really want. Let me give you a prime example:

A very dear sweet member of my family dated this guy when she was in her mid-twenties.  He was good to her.. But the family didn't like him very much, because he was not nice to some of my family members who are of ethnically mixed heritage.  Well when he and my cousin had been dating for about 2 years, he told her that he didn't believe in marriage, and that it was just a piece of paper etc. He said he had no intention of every marrying her, let alone having children with her. Not to long after that she broke it off with him, because she wanted to get married, settle down and have children. A year later she met someone else that the family liked even better then the last guy. He was her total opposite, but you could tell he loved her so very much. He proposed after just after a year of dating. Since they both had been either engaged or in long-term relationships before, they decided to elope. They have been happily for just over 4 years now, and have 2 very healthy twin boys.

You should always be on the same page when it comes to possilble life long mates. That's my best advice.

I hope this helps. good luck. :)  

Answer 4

You still don't have one, because he still doesn't feel the need to get you one.  I'm in the same boat you are.  My boyfriend honestly doesn't believe that I'll leave him and move on, -(he hasn't said this, but I can tell).  As long as I allow him to continue the behavior he's currently exhibiting, then he's not going to change.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  My current boyfriend bounces back and forth from "I'm just not ready," and "I love you, and I know I want to marry you."  It sounds like you're in a similar situation.  Here's my suggestion: Tell him that if he doesn't want to get married in the near future, that you respect that, but that it's obvious that the two of you want different things, and you will be moving on.  If he requests more time to figure it out, get money for a ring, whatever, it's your choice if you want to give him that chance or not.  Personally, mine has 2 months to figure it out, and if there's no ring on my finger by that time, then obviously we aren't on the same page, and I'm ready to find someone who is more on the same path that I am.  You have to figure out what your own priorities are, and if you have limits, then figure out what they are and stick with them.  I know 2 women in their late 20's who were with their boyfriends for 6 years waiting for proposals, and they both recently became single as a result of waiting on something that didn't happen.  So think about how much you are willing to put into it, give that much, and don't push yourself past that point.  Respect yourself enough to have limitations, and stick with them.  By doing that, there's a good chance he will realize what he's missing, and jump on board your ship in the end.  Good luck!!!

Answer 5

oh, honey, a girl I went to high school with waited 15 years (YES, 15 YEARS) for her live in to marry her and they were divorced in a little over 3 years.

Think about your relationship with him.  Then think about marriage.  If he were to never marry you, would you be willing to stay with him?  If you would then ease up on the marriage pressure and he will most likely propose when he's ready.

If you don't want to stay with him forever without marriage then it's time to move on because he isn't who you really want.  you want marriage more than you want him.

It's fair to talk to him about this and tell him what your expectations, plans, and hopes and dreams are.  But it is not fair for you to threaten, issue ultimatums, or whine and cry and pout.

honestly, if it were me and I wanted to get married, then I'd talk to him and let him know where I was coming from and ask him to tell me where he was at.  If, after that talk I discovered we weren't in the same place and weren't likely to be there anytime soon, then I would move on and look for someone who wanted what I want.

Answer 6

In my experience if he's willing to joke about it then he's at least thinking about it!

My fiance used to say "If we ever get married our cake/cars/rings etc would look like that" or "I'd never marry you because you would want the million dollar chandelier and the 10 Karat engagement ring and the 30 thousand bridesmaids and i'd be happy with a bbq in the back yard"

Jokes like this were brought up in shopping centres, at family dinners, whilst dining out and towards the end i was getting so fed up with the "If we get married" "at our wedding" "when we have our wedding" stuff i started to snap back at his jokes.  So when he said i wouldn't marry you because you have dreamed about the million dollar wedding etc i replied with something along the lines of "Don't you know anything about me! I am a simple girl with small hands that make anything larger that 1/2 a carat look bulky and would be happy to have my family around to witness and the man i love in front of me."

That's exactly what he wanted... a budget for my dream wedding and confirmation of what he already knew.

He chose my perfect engagement ring and proposed the best way he knew how right in the middle of all the jokes!  I never expected a thing and it was perfect.  

When you get used to all wedding talk and encouragement from others being shrouded in a joke you think it's never going to happen.

I believe your boyfriend is thinking about marrying you as a guy who doesn't want to get married doesn't openly joke about it.  They can joke in private and nothing happen for years (my sister is still waiting and her BF only seems to joke about weddings with my fiance and i in the way where he's saying - Are you sure? it's not too late to get out.) but when they joke with family and friends  (think coffee shop- when are you two getting married already? As soon as our celebrant confirms our wedding date.  This was months before any mention of us getting engaged.) my experience says it's on the horizon

Answer 7

Sweetheart, if you truly see yourself with this man for the rest of your life, it's not going to hurt to wait for him to do it on his terms and in his own time. However, if you are sick of waiting and you do not think this man is worth waiting for, then yes maybe you should move on. And to your question of why I dont think he has proposed: every man has their little clock that sits in their head, and if a man is content in his relationship and doesnt feel the need to propose then he's probably not even thinking about it.... however it is not you, it's just how guy's think most times.

Answer 8

Why not talk to him blatantly and openly about all of this?  I know that in the movies and on t.v., the guy always bends down with a ring and the girl is really surprised to be asked.  But I think it's more common these days for the couple to discuss marriage with each other before the actual engagement.  With divorce being as common of a problem as it is today, I couldn't imagine getting engaged and promising to marry somebody without having had some type of discussion about it first.

Also, what type of joking about marriage do you do with each other?  Is it looking at each other affectionately as you say you may be husband or wife.  Or is it laughing about marriage as though it would be crazy to get engaged now?  I would think you could get some feel of how he feels about marrying you from the way he jokes about it.

Answer 9

Have you ever read, "He's Just Not That Into You"?

If he really loves you, he'll either p**p or get off the pot! But part of the blame falls on you. If you participate in the joking, how is he to know that it bothers you? You need to tell him that unless he's seriously considering marriage, he needs to drop the subject.

Answer 10

Engagements come in many different times and places.  My fiance I were together 3 1/2 years before he proposed, his sister and her husband were together 6 before they got married, one of my friends waited 3 1/2 years.  There could be a lot of reaons why it hasn't happened yet.  Are you guys saving up for anything else like to pay off school loans, pay rent, etc?  He could be having a hard time saving up for a ring in that case.  Are you both pretty settled, have jobs, know where you are going to be in the next year or two.  He may just have other things on his mind.  If these might be the case maybe try and work in that you aren't looking for a super expensive ring or anything, just want to be able to plan a life together.  Let him know that you know he has a lot on his plate and want to do it together and start a life together.  

Not to be a damper, but a friend of a friend just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because she asked him where he saw things going and he said he never saw himself marrying her.  While that was horrible, it was better than waiting around for something that wasn't going to happen.  If you can't imagine anything standing in his way, ask him where he sees you two in 5 years.