Why do I take a 16-year old's opinion about me to heart?

Question

I met my husband when his son was 13. He has always been rude to me. Now that he's 16, I am totally sick of it! He doesn't live with us, and he refuses to come over to our house because he hates me and my kids.

Answer 1

maybe you offended him the first time you met.  you never get a 2nd chance to make a first impression.

Answer 2

i have a step mom. but we are only 16 years apart in age. when i was 13 and would get upset my dad would just let me stomp and tell me to go to my room very calmly and she would react and try to fight back. i think if your kids are younger and havent been through it then its probably hard. but my biggest advice is just to let him scream and remain calm. it always made me feel really stupid and immature when my dad would do that to me especially because i was generally trying to argue that i was an adult. then a few hours after he is calm tell him how it made you feel.never demand an apology. she used to do that to me. it made me madder, because i could never sound sincere. well duh. but if he doesnt want to go to your house its his decision maybe try to go to baseball games or movies just the two of you to develop that relationship?

Answer 3

Kids at that age can be brats. To h**l with the terrible twos, I'm a firm believer in the terrible teens. Meeting you at 13, he probably had already made up his mind that he was going to dislike you because you weren't his mom. I',m sure its tough on you because its been 3 years so its hard to dismiss it as a phase. At this age he probably doesn't want to assimilate into the new family dynamic. I don't have any solid advice on how to help fix that, but thats just my own theory on why he's being difficult =[

HUGS!!!

Answer 4

Hi...

it's not YOU, but you are the object of his pain and hurt over the events of his life... i'm sure that it's hard to take, but there are some things people do not realize.

when parents are divorced, it has a huge impact on the kids... and some kids feel more abandoned and more emotional pain than others -- some have a worse situation than others, too... for example,  parents can become so busy getting divorced, pitying themselves, and then looking for love that the kid gets lost in the shuffle... no one ever asks "hey, are you ok?"   or "can we talk about your feelings?".  In fact, many parents don't even notice their kids have feelings in the first place.

then the father gets remarried... well, he's already "lost" his parents once, and maybe even felt abandoned in some ways... now here comes some strange woman, taking dad's attention and affection.. and oh no!  she has kids!  they will probably take the rest of dad's time and attention, so the child feels left out, and abandoned all over again.

it sounds complicated, but it doesn't have to be.  believe me, this boy doesn't "hate" you and your kids -- his anger is displaced.. i think his parents are the problem... not you or your children.

i suppose that you could simply let the boy know you do care about him, and realize he's been through a lot... you could always tell him if he ever needs someone to listen, you are there.. he will hear you the first time.

i hope things work out.

Answer 5

This is normal behavior.  In his mind, he does not want to be disloyal to his mother by accepting you. It is not your fault.  However, NEVER, EVER lower yourself to his tactics and NEVER, EVER speak disrespectfully about his mother or family.  You will almost never be able to redeem yourself and have a relationship with him.  Set boundaries by telling him, calmly, that he hurts you and your kids by behaving this way.  That you will respect him and accept him and always be there for him; but you, and especially your children, cannot be subjected to his behavior.  Your husband MUST support you and stick up for you on this. Let your step-son know that he will be asked to leave immediately if he cannot control himself.  But, don't YOU lower yourself to his level.  Be respectful, follow the plan that you have discussed and follow it without arguing with him.  Just simply state:  " we already discussed this in the past, you know that you will be asked to leave if you cannot control your behavior, it is time for you to go now. Hope to see you soon when you are able to control yourself". .........Good Luck!  It takes a lot of work to make step-parenting work.  Read books on the subject.