Why do Some Adoptive Parents Feel Threatened when their Adult Child Searches for their First Family?

Question

Lucy S I take exception to you referring to my mother as a drug addict etc etc. What a load of BS. You can't know that. Nobody can - not without the truth. And the truth of their origin is the birthright of everyone

Answer 1

My adoptive parents were very supportive when I wanted to have contact with my b-mother. They were the most awesome parents any could ask for.

Answer 2

I would like to know the answer to this too.  My adoptive parents have always seem threatened.  There has been comments like "we are your family" So now that I have met my bio dad, brother & sister, I haven't told any of my adoptive family and I don't know if I will.   I think maybe they want to protect me??  My biological family has dark and sad history and I wasn't adopted till I was 6 (in foster care for some of those years)

Answer 3

I myself was adopted and my adoptive mother beat me and was really bad to me. She lied to me about everything. When I got married and had my first child I asked for my adoption papers. From there I did a search and found my bio.father. she found out and was mad but thats b/c she didnt want me to tell how I was raised and etc. To me every adoptee has the right to know about their heritage learn who they are where they come from. Especially if you have kids you want to find out about medical history so you know what runs on both sides. If you have a good relationship w/ your adoptive parents and dont care about this then go one w/ your life but I have always wanted answers since I was old enought to know that my adoptive family wasnt my real family.

Answer 4

Answering as an adoptee. It's a feeling of betrayal.  If the adoption is not an open adoption, for many reasons, most parents don't tell the children that they are adopted.  They wanted you, they loved you, they took care of you, nurtured you and now you want to go and look for someone, who for whatever reason, good or otherwise, gave you away.  It's a hardcore truth, but the truth nontheless.  You belong to them and they are your parents.  They don't want to lose you or share you with your birthparents.  Yes, it is your right to know your history, genetics and family medical history.  Just be gentle with them.  Know that they are afraid, no petrifide of losing you and that they have lived your whole life in fear of someone from your past coming to take you back.  Even though the adoption is legal and final.  It's their worst nightmare.  Take care of their feelings - they love you!

Answer 5

I think its pain their own hurt of never being bale to have a child and they have given this child everything in life their time commitment and money for educaiton etc..and then they feel like they are losing them by searching for a new family.The need to search for your real family is like nothing i have ever felt before though its like yearning everyday all you can thing about you feel empty without knowing a part of you is misisng!!

Answer 6

I'm sorry, but here is my opinion. I don't really care how many thumbs down I get!

If my children were adopted (they aren't), I would NEVER support a decision to find their biological parents. I think the biological parent loses all rights when they give the child up for adoption. It sickens me to think that children who are raised by such lovely adoptive parents want to go and find people who turned their back on them along time ago. They (the child) should be satisfied enough to learn the roots and heritage of the family they live with. Not some idiots that turned there back on them.

Yes they may have conceived the child, but it takes more than that to be a parent.

I grew up as a warden of the state (foster care) and was never adopted out. I would have given anything to have had a family, but I didn't. Those people who are ungrateful enough not to be thankful they have one family, don't deserve any!

Answer 7

I can't speak for all adoptive parents because you can never generalize something like this.  I am an adoptive mother (my adopted daughter is still very young) and when the times comes that she feels ready and has a desire to meet her birth mother, my husband and I will support her and actually make all the arrangements with her birth family and take her to meet them.  We have an open adoption and keep in contact with both the birth mother and birth father and have met both of their families.  I think maybe some adoptive parents may feel that they are "protecting" their child by not having them meet their birth parents, especially if the birth parents are on drugs, etc.  Once again, I cannot generalize and speak for all adoptive couples.

Answer 8

Heather,

As an adoptive parent, I know that it is important to value the importance of first parents to our children.  It is important for our own relationship with them that we don't try to diminish something so important to them.

I think it comes down to years of adoption thinking still having its grip on people even though things are changing.  The recommendation in the adoption community has gone from people trying to "match" children physically to parents so they would never have to be told they were adopted in the 50-70's to recommending open adoption as the best situation for a child today.  The fears and thinking of some people haven't caught up yet with the understanding of what is healthiest for adoptees.  Hopefully, in another generation, it will be rare for adoptive parents to think this way.  Even in international adoption, like in the case of my daughter, open adoption is becoming more common.  Today, in some country programs, international adoptees are able to have contact with their birth parents.  Even if contact isn't possible, certainly the trend is to acknowlege the needs of the adoptee and provide a lot more information, rather than "protect  the anonymity" of the birth family.  So, it is changing, although it breaks my heart for the adoptees it isn't changing fast enough for.

Answer 9

it might offend them because they consider themselves as the parents anyway bcuz they raised u...nothings wrng with trying to find your real parents but they'res ways to go about that respectfully

Answer 10

Because they worry that they will lose their child.  It's an understandable fear and sometimes it happens.  But usually, I don't think it does.

My adoptive parents raised me and cared for me all my life.  Why would I walk away from them just because I found my natural parents?

I'm going to sound silly when I say this but we have room in our hearts for lots of people.  Lots of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.  Why wouldn't we have room in our hearts for a few more?

My advice to adoptive parents who DO feel threatened is to have a little more faith in their kids and their own parenting.  

The biggest thing about my own reunion is that I am so glad to have all the answers to my questions it has really fulfilled a part that I think was missing.  And none of it changes the way I feel about my adoptive family.

Answer 11

Lucy S I think that sometimes is the case, but not usually.

My sisters mom ( her dad adopted her) tried her best to keep us apart for 10 years, although we were only 15 min. apart. her mom said that she didn't know who my dad was and while he was our of town for a few months (seeing me) she filed for adoption. She doesn't want her dirty little secret to get out and forbid her to see this side of the family. When we did meet and her mom found out she FLIPPED.

She was told that my dad was a drug addict theif with AIDS who abused her. Which I KNEW was a lie.

Answer 12

There's the possibility that they know something about your birth parents / adoption situation that you do not. Kids always tend to idolize the parent(s) that are missing, they could be trying to protect their child from knowing that it wasn't that idealistic 'tragic -I -tried-to -give-them-a-better-life' scenario.

Perhaps the child was born to a schizophrenic, or a drug addict, or a 13 year old, or someone generally self-absorbed and not interested in being a parent.

There could be a million reasons, unfortunately.

Answer 13

First off to Charli, not all biological parents have a choice in whether they give their children up for adoption.  I myself know i was homeless with a 3yr old and a soon to be born newborn.  I was terrified of still living in the same dumpy hotel with 2 kids.  When my daughter was born i tried anyway thinking things will get better well they didn't, i then broke my back and was left unable to care for either of my children.  My 3yr old went to live with his paternal grandparents and because my daughter was not from the same father she couldn't go with him.  I was then left with one other option and thatwas adoption given i had no family near here that could care for my daughter.  I signed the papers and gave my daughter up for adoption.  I didn't turn my back on her, i gave her a chance at life, a better life than i could provide for her.  Her adoptive parents couldn't have children so she was a blessing to them.  Sure its sad but i know that she will come to look for me when the time is right.  Adoptive parents think that the biological parents are going to get in the way of what they accomplished over so many years, but whether they like it or not the children are the ones who have the rights.  I hope and pray that my daughter will come and look for me as i will come and look for her. It is the most selfless act one can do and it takes so much love to give a child up for adoption after carrying it for 9months.  i got to bond with my daughter for 1yr before making my decision. People also don't realize how hard it really is to give a child up for adoption and its just as hard on the kids as` it is on the parents.

I'm sorry Charli that you had a tough upbringing but that doesn't mean adoption is a bad thing.

Answer 14

I think it is kind of natural for adoptive parents to feel a bit intimidated when the child they have raised as their own decides to look for their first parents. After all, they may have chosen you, but you on the other hand did not choose them. Even though you know in your heart that your adoptive child loves you, there is always the uncertainty that you may abandon them for the family, brothers and sisters e tc. that you didn't have the chance to spend your life with. Circumstances change and despite the odds, your natural family may be willing to embrace you and include you in their life. They also may resent and hurt you for trying to infuse yourself into the life they now have. Your adoptive parents, no matter how loving and open, may not feel that the parents who left you are now worthy to pretend that the 18 years between never happened . When it comes to love , no one is that secure that they won't be "ditched for the newer" or in your case," the older model."

Answer 15

I would support my child(ren) to find out their background.  I am also hoping that I will have all the information they seek.  If for some reason I am not able to have it for them I will support and assist them in getting it.  I am very secure as a mother and would not have the least bit of jealousy or  hesitation.

Answer 16

I feel it really has to be up to the child.  My Mom was adopted she looked for her bio Mother after her adopted parents had passed.  My husband was adopted and he wants nothing to do with his bio parents he feels his adopted parents raised him and they are his parents!  

We have a adopted son and I have all the information he will need to get a hold of his bio Mom.  He still has contact with his bio aunts and their kids plus a grandma.  I feel if a child wants to they have a right too.  And after watching my Mom have to look I really felt in my heart I wanted it to be as easy as possible for my child.....

Answer 17

Each individual has a unique reason for their own insecurity even before they adopt children.  Many people are parented less than adequately which often results in narcissistic wounds.

A narcissistically wounded adopter is a dangerous thing, unless they get themselves the help they need to overcome that.  Otherwise, they are likely to adopt for inappropriate reasons, so they will always feel insecure with their status as the child's parents.  

If they cannot embrace the fact that the child they adopt has another family and a history (and perhaps another culture) which will forever be a part of who they are, they will of course feel threatened if their child wants to search.  These are the people who convince themselves that an adopted child can be raised "as if biologically their own" - a notion that even reputable adoption agencies now reject.

Most people understand that healthy love is not possessive, so any resistance on the part of adoptive parents is a subtle message to the adopted person that their love for them is suspect.  

I've seen it a thousand times - adopters who resist the adoptee's search and possible relationship with their natural family push their adopted kids away by default.  Some even permanently turn their backs on their once "forever child" if they search - which, unfortunately, proves their motivation to adopt was for their own benefit - not that of the child.

The best relationships I've seen between adopters and their adopted kids are the ones where the adopters fully embrace and support their adopted children's need to know their roots, and who allow their children to integrate their nature with their nurture.  Such loving support overwhelmingly tends to bring them closer together rather than drive them apart.

Answer 18

Well, I'm adopted and when I ask my mom if I can find my biological parents she tells me when I'm 18 but I can see in her eyes that it hurts every time I ask the question because in her mind she is my one and only mother because my mother gave me away because she couldn't take care of me.

Answer 19

Hi Heather,

You are right, their best course of action is always honesty, openness, and support for the adoptees.  It is best for the adopting parents to be counseled to that fact early on, and be able to admit that the children DO have other family members & to be advised they most likely will seek them out some day.  That is perfectly natural.  They should not interpret that to mean they were failures in raising the children, or that they are not loved anymore.  What adopters need to recognize is this:

It's not about them!  

It's about the adoptee.  Searching is about the adoptee finding themselves and where they fit in the world.  It is about finding answers, connecting, and completing themselves.  It is independent of how much love they experience from other sources.  Although it would be nice to have the adopter's support through a time like that, the adoptees need to remember it is their own choice; they do not need the adopter's permission.

Some adoptive parents still feel threatened when their adult adoptees search for their first families and it doesn't have to be like that.  Why?  They could possibly still have some unresolved issues, such as infertility, which led them to adoption in the first place, which bring up old feelings of inadequacy.  In their mind, as long as everyone keeps pretending that the adopted family is the only family, the adopters can equate that with themselves still being "real parents," and then everything will be ok in the adopter's world.

The truth is adopting children IS different than raising biological children.  It should not be expected to be the same.  Many adopters are still in denial about that.  Fear is what drives some to deny truth, to fight open records for adults, and withhold emotional support.  Another possible reason behind it is they fear they will be replaced.  They fear they will then be right back where they were before they adopted, childless.  That's unwarranted because nothing will take back all the years of raising children.  Adoption should not be about pretending you gave birth to children or pretending to be the same as other families anyways.  It should be about raising children you did NOT give birth to.  It's about meeting their needs which are different than the ones of biological children.  

By the time the adoptee is grown, the adopter's job is complete, they have already raised a child.  Nothing can ever take that away.  They do not then have the right to dictate what that person may or may not do for the rest of their lives, or with whom they may associate.  Attempting to control another rarely succeeds.  Adoptees are capable of forming relationships with many people simultaneously, not unlike parents do with multiple children.  There is always plenty of love to go around, & that should not be discouraged.  It is not a loyalty issue, nor should it be presented as one.  They forget that adoption is supposed to be about what is best for the adoptee, not the adopters.

In summary, it seems that the ones who cannot let go are the most insecure adopters.  The reality is, none of us "own" our children.  We raise our children.  We should want what is best for them so they can be happy & healthy.  There comes a time for everybody when they make their own decisions for themselves based upon what they feel is best for them.  Too many adopters look at children as their property.  Even into adulthood, they want to continue making decisions on their behalf and trying to control what they may do, what they may think and feel, and that is wrong.  The more you try to control somebody, the greater their need to push you away will be.  The more you understand and support them, the more they will be drawn to you.  

Adopters should consider that it if they need to hide the adoptee's past from them in order to secure a place in the adoptee's heart, what sort of relationship do they really have with that person?

julie

reunited adoptee