Why do WOMEN let MEN control them ?

Question

Hello. My friend is in an abusive relationship. She met this man, and

let him move in after only 30 days. Then things took a turn for the worse. He started checking her emails, and cell phone numbers. He told her she could not talk to me anymore. She did though a couple of

times. The second time, she was in the middle of a fight with this man. It was crazy. Then she tried to act like it was OK a few mintues

later. This was on June 25th, and that was the last time I heard from

this woman. No emails, no letter, nothing. She is immobilized, and is

in fear. She is also depressed, and even started smoking again. SO,

what do you think is going on right now ? I need some intuitive and

insightful people to answer this please. How is she feeling about the

situation that she is in ? And why is she letting this man control her ?

Answer 1

women dont 'let' men control them. its natural.  

Answer 2

Firstly, she is not "letting" him control her. It is entirely possible that she feels worthless and isolated as a result of the way he is treating her, and that she feels she deserves this treatment or that this man has redeeming qualities. It is also entirely possible that she is afraid of what he may do to her if she attempts to leave. Without contact and completely isolated, it will be even harder for her to achieve this and she may feel that it is safer to remain in this situation than risk escalating it if she tries to leave and he comes after her.

As a friend, first try to avoid judging her for this, as you cannot understand what she is going through.

I would definitely try to encourage her to get out of this relationship, but do realize that in the end it is her decision. Approach her with compassion rather than judgement and express your concern. Tell her you care about her and are very worried about her health and safety. Tell her why (smoking, depression, fear) and express to her that you would like to see her in a better position. Tell her you will do everything you can to help her accomplish this, and follow through. Then respect that it is her decision, and be available when she is ready. It may take some time, but remember that when she is ready, whether it's next week or next year, to exit this abusive situation, she will need to rely on friends like yourself for some support.

In the meantime, take notes about what is going on. If she decides to press charges aginst him, this will help corroborate her case. Let her know you are doing this, and try to enjoy time with her as a friend. Give her some time to get away from this and recuperate; don't spend ALL your time with her talking about his issue, despite how important it is for both of you.

Finally, if it becomes dangerous for her to the point that you feel it's necessary to report this man, do let her know of your intentions beforehand. She may fear the repercussions if he tries to punish her for this, and may request that you don't intervene. If that is the case, as painful as it is, try to respect her wishes and urge her to report him with you.

In the meantime, look up some local resources for her - shelters, support groups, anything that can help her get connected again and break the isolation. Make sure you have her consent for anything you do for her or on her behalf.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Many women have low self esteem, or maybe a lot of women want their man in charge, it sounds strange but there are a lot of women who want the man to be in control.

You should try to contact her again or call the police.

If you think shes in a abusive relationship then you have to help her get out of it.

Answer 4

She needs help. You need to call the cops for her so they can check on her and make sure she's OK, uninjured, etc.

The reason is that she is a victim of abuse, has no self-esteem and is easily controlled and manipulated by a psycho, probably because one of her parents was that way, or she witnessed the behavior growing up and thinks it's normal or that she deserves it. Alternatively, she could be terrified that if she leaves, he will harm her or their children (if they have any).

The other answer is that emotionally healthy women don't let men control them.

Answer 5

It's not about WOMEN, it's about people. Men get into abusive relationships too (and are sometimes even worse about admitting it, because they're afraid someone will see them as 'unmanly')



People don't want to give up on someone they love. When everyone around them is telling them that the person they love is crazy/evil and they should leave, they often respond by shutting off all contact with everyone except the crazy/evil person, because they just don't want to let go.

I'm not deeply experienced in how to deal with this stuff, if you REALLY want to know I'd suggest talking to a domestic violence help group who would know what the methods most likely to succeed are.

The best approach I can personally think of is to:

1. Make it clear that the way she's being treated is not normal boyfriend behavior. Sometimes people have been bossed around all their lives and figure it's just supposed to be that way, or that possessive jealousy only means that someone loves them.

2. Let her know that there are places she can go to for help. Multiple options, not just one.

3. Don't make huge ultimatums, just point out that she could be endangering herself and she needs to look after herself.

Answer 6

Hey MR Dove.

My daughter is in the same situation and I have talked to  her for 3 years now about leaving him,since he has been abusive to her.He is Mexican and she is not and the only way that she is safe is for her daughter that is a big girl get's inbetween them and has knocked the snot out of him for hitting her mother and so she has to live with them so that he stops the abuse.Like I told you they are terrified once the abuse begins and they will tell them that they will find them and kill them or no matter where you go I will find you or like my illegal son-in law told my daughter that if she left he would kill her entire family and then go back to Mexico.I told her the he won't do that since he isn't much of a man that hits women and both my self and my husband are licensed to carry conceled weapons and are not afraid to use them when it comes to our life or his.The point is that now your friend  dosen't know how to get out she is so afraid she will need a strong friend to help get her out and away.However if he goes to the same school then it will be hard for her to get around the campus.She needs to go to the counsler and talk with them.This is another reason why co-ed dorms should not have been started.She should also check to see if there is another room that she can move to to get away from him since he is now her roommate and the campus can't kick him out even though they should. It is situations like these that sometimes become a VA Tech scene. PLEASE ANY YOUNG ADULT THAT READS THIS STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU JUMP OR SOME DAY YOU MAY NOT BE HERE ANYMORE TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS AT ALL.WHEN  YOU GET TO COLLEGE IT IS NOT A LICENSE TO ACT LIKE A CRAZED PERSON.YOU ARE OUR FUTURE AND FROM WHAT I HAVE SEEN TAKING PLACE ON SPRING BREAKS IT MAKES ME VERY AFRAID OF WHAT THE FUTURE WILL HOLD.