Why do a few people on here consistantly snub the kind hearted people who wish to adopt a child?

Question

Adoption is a wonderful thing to do, however you look at it, so long as you're willing to give a child a loving and happy home, so why are some people so rude and hurtful? Just because they don't have the love to do it, why do they need to put down others who can offer a child that?

Answer 1

Being abandoned/adopted is a horrible life-long trauma for many people. Many of us ADULTS who were abandoned/adopted as children are now speaking out against the evils of adoption.

The myth that adoption is some wunnerful mirakle needs to stop. And thank Gucci for the internet because we adults who have been torched by the abuse of adoption are here, telling our truths, hoping to spare some poor souls from having to live through the horrors that we had to endure.

Adoption is almost never about love. If you want to help children, there are many ways to do it without being party to the adoption horror show.

Answer 2

A lot of people are working through their own issues regarding adoption, and this must be a place they feel they can vent safely.

I admit that I'm puzzled by some of the very angry posters, but I do understand that something happened to them that must not have happened to me.  If so, maybe I'd be as angry as them.  Everyone's life is different and everyone processes emotions in their own way.   You just have to put aside what isn't helpful, I guess.

Answer 3

Because as adoptees often our voices are not heard. Adoption can be highly traumatic for a child and has lasting effects on their self-esteem, imagine and perception of themselves. There is nothing particularly wrong with someone wanting to give a child a loving home, however adoptive parents need to do a lot more research into how adoption effects the child. You will not replace that child's parents. You will give the child shelter, food, holidays, school, and your own love but do not expect the child to love you as they would their biological parents.

Open adoption is ideal, having a connection to the biological family and not hiding anything from the child. This reduces the trauma hugely and I would NOT recomend closed adoption at all. It only damages people.

Adoption is a great thing, especcially for children being shifted from foster home to foster home. Adoptive parents just need to read books and talk to people who are effected by adoption so that they know how to cope.

I think a lot of people have been hurt by adoption, and many are adoptees. Adoptees have all their rights taken away from them as a child, and so now when they can voice their pain, can they express their outrage at this cruel act.

The only way you can reduce this is to remain connected to the birth family or at least provide information about the parents.

Good Luck,

Go open adoption, do your research, acknowledge adoption as a traumatic loss and you will be fine parents.

Answer 4

from Noodles:

"They'll never answer your question. That's who's giving all the usual thumbs down in here. IMO, it's because they are bitter, hostile, hateful and blame everyone else for their problems instead of looking in the mirror and getting therapy."

I suppose this is one of the kind-hearted people who adopt that you are referring to?

I don't think people are rude and hurtful, I think expecting adult adoptees to be silenced about their experience is rude and hurtful.

People who care about chilren will also care about the realities of adoption, it is only natural.

I don't think it takes much though to realize adoption is a complicated situation, it is not a 2-deminsional feel good fest

Answer 5

I agree with you, but understand some of the opposing points of view also.  I cannot imagine how it must feel to be an adoptee or a biological mother.  I try to just look past the rudeness in an attempt to learn how to be more able to assist my son when he experiences these feelings or has questions.  I don't think anyone who is passionate on the subject intends to be rude.  Yes, there are people on this board who are rude & hurtful just to incite others, but for the most part if someone is passionate about their feelings, they may come across a bit stronger than others.  

Just my thoughts on the topic.

Answer 6

For your information, the few people on here who "snub he kind hearted people who wish to adopt a child" are not a few people.  We are many.  

Please remember that any baby or child that is adopted GROWS UP.  And when we grow up, we are able to recognize and deal with our loss.  Many of us have had therapy.  Many of us need therapy because of the loss.  

I can only speak for myself when I say that as an ADULT adoptee, I would like to see those who adopt or wish to adopt educate themselves about the reality of adoption. There is no fairy tale ending.

Answer 7

Many people who wish to adopt a child are kind-hearted people.  But kind-heartedness is not limited to them.  There are millions of kind-hearted people who are childless and who have biological children.  Many of them support disadvantaged children in other ways besides adopting them, often by helping the parents of the children so families can stay together.  Why do people who adopt children feel that they are so special?

Also, I do not think that people who troll WEB sites like YA and Myspace looking for an infant to adopt from a confused, frightened girl are loving kind-hearted people.  They are selfish predators who couldn't care less about the so-called "triad" of adoption.  They just want a baby and they want it cheap.

Answer 8

It's not a lack of love.  You have an extremely narrow, one-sided view of this issue.  The only people that adoption benefits are the adoptive parents because they get what they think they want.  The birth mother is screwed over, forgotten, manipulated, and cheated and the resulting child, a majority of the time, will have abandonment and intimacy issues because of the adoption.  

Do some research.  Adoption is no fairytale, happily-ever-after solution.  It is the violent ripping apart of families due to arbitrary social reasons - the mother was poor, young, or uneducated.  

That we try to warn young Women in this situation is not because we're trying to be "rude" or "hurtful" but because we're trying to be REAL and HONEST with her about what it will be like, because no one she's dealing with, ESPECIALLY the adoptive parents, will be honest with her.  THAT'S the reality of the situation.

Answer 9

You do wonder I know quite a few posters who have stopped even coming to the adoption thread.

I seriously wonder why some feel only adoptees that have had or have major issues have a right to post here. People say you’re cool with adoption why are you here?  Has anyone thought  we want our story to be told as well.  There are two sides to every story some adoptees have issues, others don’t. But both sides should be told that way prospective adopters see that both sides of what their adopted child(ren) could face. They can try and prepare for any side their adopted child(ren) falls on.  Not to mention to let other adoptees who are content with their adoption, who don’t feel this loss or emptiness. Know that they aren’t the only ones that have these feelings, sure we may not be in majority but we are still here and have every right to discuss things and give our side of the story.

Yep Noddle is right nothing is a fairy tale nothing is prefect wether your adopted or not.

Answer 10

Kind- hearted?  Loving?

"No matter how personally difficult coming to terms with infertility may be, it is far, far less painful than losing a child to adoption. Women whose children are stolen by this legislated social policy never actually get over it even though all the advertising that supports the adoption industry, says they must. They are stripped of their child and then abandoned to an exile of an emotional wilderness so extremely devastating, it is hard to find words to describe it. I cannot imagine that the ‘loss’ of potential children – who are only an idea – can come anywhere close to the loss of a real child. One already born, to a real live mother who weeps and bleeds and is left to deal with the aftermath of a dead child gone but not actually dead – well – that is crazy making stuff. That the people who adopt her child do not give a toss about her once the adoption is legalized, illustrates just how little emotional depth they really have. People that shallow don’t actually feel hurt deeply. In fact, they should try eating less cheese or stop eating supper altogether before bedtime, as they may be confusing symptoms of indigestion with emotional ‘pain’. These things are not the same."  

This was written by Joss Shawyer, a woman who had the strength to buck the adoption industry.  To read more of her essays go here:

http://www.babyscoopera.com/

And to the APs who equate hurtful, rude, bitter, hostile, hateful, stalking, frightening (all adjectives used in the question and answers here)  with OUR truth, the adult adoptees who were once powerless children LIVING the life for 20, 30, 40, 50 years, I am sorry.  I know this is all 'new' to you.  And you also have been fed a false load as well.  

If it were just about me, I can honestly say I would NOT be here or on any forum.  I am here because I can't believe that in 2007 there are still children, so many children, who have to live the lie that is adoption.  So little in the US has changed since the early 60's when I was born!  Look at what has happened to in the Civil Rights movement for African Americans in that time.  How many g*y Americans were closeted in the US even into the 80's?!  Now we've got g*y men on TV advising straight men how to dress.  And still adopted kids need to pretend they have no interest in their own histories to please the 'kind-hearted', 'loving' adopters.  It's sick.  And it is about to change.  Big time.

We don't 'have the love to do it'?  Would you 'have the love' if you weren't infertile or had a dangerous medical condition?  I doubt it.  So many APs seem to need credit for adopting a child--like it's a medal they proudly wear.

Oh, and to TaxGurl.  You almost had me.  I'm all about you having a glorious adopted childhood with parents so fabulous that they've wiped away your human nature of curiosity about your own heritage.  Why one has to negate the other is a mystery to me, but if it works for you--rock on.  But then you have to go ahead and say that most adult adoptees here think that children should be left in dire circumstances--no matter what.  Not true by a long shot.  I find it odd that you're here, on the Y!A site, answering adoption questions.  If I were personally thrilled with adoption as you claim to be, i wouldn't be here--why are you?

You seem to have a low opinion of natural mothers as well.  I'm wondering if your friendship with this undesirable woman is a way to  falsly identify with your own unknown mother?  Or did you invent her to arm your shaky argument?  Either one is cause for some 'inner' work.

Answer 11

There are unhappy people everywhere, and misery loves company. They can't help themselves. Sad, isn't it?

Answer 12

Why do you think it is wrong to educate women on what will happen to them when they surrender a child? Why is it wrong for us to speak up and tell our stories and tell others what happened to us? Aren't we the experts on this side of the fence?

Many here seem to get the message we are sending all mixed up. Not anti-adoption ( because let's face it, some children will always have to be raised by someone else and that is the truth) but adoption-reform. Ethical adoption, we say that adoption should be a last resort, that all other avenues should be looked at first. ie: guardianship and kinship care. What is so awful about that message? Are we really just bitter angry adoptees and mothers? Not on a bet!

You say "just because they don't have the love to do it" who are you talking about? Aparents or mothers who surrender? Personally, it was all about how much I loved my daughter. I fell hook, line and sinker for the "if you love your baby you will" propaganda the agency fed myself and my family! I loved my daughter more than my own life, and when I lost her it almost killed me. Why do you think it is so terrible for those of us who have lived this to try to educate other mothers?

Noodles and Momto2 are fond of calling names and saying things that are so absurd they do nothing more than make me laugh! Once in awhile they say something that has a grain of truth to it, but otherwise they seem to be the stalker/crazies around here. All I ever see out of them is, "Well the thumbs down will now begin because the anti-adoption n***s have invaded this place" nothing could be further from the truth. The thumbs down happen when they speak from ignorance and when they speak out of fear. I could sit down with both of them over a cup of tea and perhaps have a really good dialog, but on here it is all anonymous really, and that makes it very hard. You can't see a person's body language or their facial expressions, so you have no clue really as to what they actually feel as opposed to what they say they feel. Guh enough of this venting. It doesn't really make a difference to the folks who call us anti-adoption nuts.

I would personally never put down a person who really are looking out for the best interests of children. There are so many children in foster care who really need stable loving homes, it breaks my heart. Infant adoption is a completely different thing however. It is inherently wrong to tell a woman she can't mother her child because she is too young/poor/uneducated/ not married. Those are the reasons given to far too many women. Remember if you hear something often enough, you begin to believe it!

Answer 13

It isn't a matter of snubbing adoptive parents and prospective adopters. It is a matter of getting people to see adoption in a realistic light. Many people are of the opinion that adoption is wonderful for everyone involved and that simply is not true.

Adoption comes with unique issues and challenges that all too often prospective adopters are either ill-informed about or blind to. Adoption is a LOSS. The adoptee looses his or her natural family and yes even a baby is blatantly aware of this loss. The natural parents and family loose a child. The adopters often loose their hopes and dreams of a biological child. No matter how you look at it there are serious traumas to be overcome.

Adoption is not an evil thing by any means. It is simply a misguided and outdated way of looking at things. Many natural parents would much rather parent but are coerced into believing that a) this is best for the child b) they will "forget" about it and "move on" and c) they can't offer the child what the adopters can. Very rarely is this the case. Many adoptive parents buy into the "as their own" theory as well as thinking that nurture can overcome nature. Now this is sometimes true but not 100% of the time. The one who is really  left in limbo is the adoptee, for every adoption that comes out looking perfect there is another that is badly botched and leaves a child who grows into an adult with, often, severe emotional turmoil that requires years of therapy and has serious inpact on self worth and how they function as people.  It is all too often forgotten that children are unable to express emotions and tend to bottle them up and acquire very negative coping skills.

For adoption to really benefit those involved it takes immense work on all sides but mostly on the agency and the adoptive parents. Those who choose not to deal with the ugly side of it will find that their adopted children do not turn into the perfect offspring they desire, they also have to face the fact that their own losses, mostly infertility, are still there and have not been healed by adopting as they hope for or may have been told it would be.

Only by being realistic and informed can adoption work as it is designed to. Only by first dealing with underlying issues surrounding the reason for adoption can the parents give 100% to the child brought into their home and only by accepting adoption as the loss that it is can these children be given the proper tools to deal with that loss.

Knowing that don't you think you too would want to save families pain and suffering by telling it as it is and shooting straight from the hip on these issues before the damage is done, before a child is bought and paid for in return for lies and promises that can never be?

Answer 14

Those are people with serious mental problems. Call them snubs, b******, snobbish people.

Answer 15

because you have been filled with a pack of lies about first moms not being able to love their children. most are forced into it because they are lacking financial support. then the first moms are fed lies and propaganda about what a "great" thing they are doing and are told that it's an "open" adoption and they get to pick the parents. then as soon as the ink dries on the paper, they adoptive parents cut off contact with the first mom and make up lies as to why they did it. they don't honor their agreement, therefore they have no honor. then the first moms find out, that everything they were told about how they had legal rights, was a pack of lies. they don't. there's even a fake state web site that states this and when i called and asked, they said it wasn't true, that anyone can put anything up on the internet and make it look real.

if you really want to know how it feels... rise to the challange, have a baby and give it to another couple in an "open" adoption. then tell me aaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllll about how great you feel. if you can't have children, adopt one, then after 9 months, find another couple who can offer the child more than you can. until you can do that, you don't have a clue. for those who say they have done that and are "happy" with their decisions and everything is hunky dorey.... then i say they did the right thing, because that's completely unnatural and it tells me they are emotionally unstable. but i've forgotten, all first moms have serious mental and drug issues..... so i keep hearing.....

Answer 16

Emotions run high on this topic.  I'm sorry people get their feelings hurt, but I'm puzzled that some folks seem to expect never to encounter opposing beliefs on this subject.  If you plan to adopt, you ought to do some basic research, and that ought to turn up a lot of different viewpoints.  That lets you educate yourself and make up your own mind.  What's bad about that?

I know people on both sides have said things on this forum they might regret had they said them face to face.  But I think it's interesting to note that in this thread the people who have been accused of being "putting others down" are the ones trying to be reasonable--Dawacky, for example, wrote a very calm and informative answer.  Meanwhile,  the people who agree with you are cursing, insulting, and accusing their "opponents" of being "mentally ill" "stalkers."

I would turn the question around:  Why is adoption always "a wonderful thing to do"?  Is anything else in the world always unmitigatedly wonderful, or just adoption?  And why does adding a child to your family automatically make you "kind hearted"?  My adoptive parents always said they were lucky to have me.  They don't feel it was kind of them to take me in, but rather that it was great that I could join their family.  

I'm very glad to have joined their family too, but that doesn't mean I have to love everything about the adoption as it is practiced.  (And wanting to improve adoption doesn't mean I believe non-adopted people live in Candy Land.)  

BTW, accusing those of us who don't adopt of not having enough love to do so was just a little bit...well, rude and hurtful.

Answer 17

They'll never answer your question. That's who's giving all the usual thumbs down in here. IMO, it's because they are bitter, hostile, hateful and blame everyone else for their problems instead of looking in the mirror and getting therapy. They don't have the capacity to take responsibility for their actions because they don't have a conscience. Notice how they rarely talk about children. It's always all about them and what suits their needs. Most of us have left this forum because Yahoo won't separate the anti-adoptionists from those who have and wish to adopt. It probably wouldn't matter anyhow, because they've made up their minds who their enemies are and they stalk you, once they have.  What frightens me the most is the harm they might have on homeless children & orphans who desperately need a loving family and safe home. Thankfully, it's just a "few" collective persons, who have a lot of different user names. You are right. What they say is very rude and hurtful.

To Jenn, et. al.: Real life for everyone, adopted or not, isn't a fairy tail and I pity you if you expected it to be. No one ever said life would be fair nor a piece of cake. The world does not revolve around your group but it does revolve around children and what's best for them. I'm sure it will make you happy to know that there are plenty of dysfunctional people and families, who never have adopted, either.

Answer 18

I am a natural mother.  My baby will be 6 mo old in Dec.  She was placed at birth to a couple I picked myself.  While sometimes there is pain, but no regret.  I made sure I was thoroughly educated about what would happen so not to get my hopes up about any lies the lawyer or couple might tell me (open adoptions are most often times a crock).  I expect nothing from them.  I signed the papers and all is done.  They were kind enough to send me photos a few months ago.  She is a fat and happy baby.

That being said, the reason so many trash prospective a-parents is that a vast majority of them lie to the natural mother, tell her that they will send photos or even allow visits.  And they have NO intention of going thru with their promises.  They are feeding the poor woman what she wants to hear.  Feeding her lies to get their hands on her baby.  For many, it is all about what is in their best interests.  Now, this is not all of them.  I have heard wonderful stories of couples who actually WANT to keep the natural mother involved even when she was the one uncomfortable with the arrangement (like myself).  And I know that there are circumstances that often times mean that the child should not have any involvement with their natural family.  These are just my observations.  

Adoption is not always a wonderful thing.  Sometimes the adoptees are lied to about their natural family, and sometimes the adoptee finds out that their natural family was not what they expected (drunks, drug addicts, etc).  Sometimes the adoptee refuses to search for their natural family because the adoptive parents have on a thick guilt trip ("why do you want to find the woman who gave birth to you?  we raised you and clothed you and kept a roof over your head").  And then there are the natural parents who want absolutely NOTHING to do with their lost child.  And the pain of all the above mentioned runs too deep for them.

Answer 19

I apolgize if i sound rude and hurtful...but sometimes people such as yourself do not want to hear the pain us adopted childern have. i grew up in a loving home raised by two wonderful adopted parents. but i still feel the pain of not having my biological family. i think most of us adoptee's want anyone who is planning to adopt to make a well informed decsion.

To Noodlesmycat: I have to say I’m surprised at your response, especially  since you say that you do not attack us adoptees. I think this response does attack us. I have dissected your post below.

They'll never answer your question.— We do answer questions, as openly and honestly as we can. Most of us adoptees are trying to give both sides of adoption. Those of us that had good adoptions and do not deal with the emotional issues surrounding it, those of us that had good adoptions but struggle with the emotional issues and those of us that had a bad adoption experience. We ALL come here to be open and honest. For people like you and Momof2 to shot us down as anti-adoption zealots is very unfair. Most of us want adoption reforms! Meaning better screening of adoptive parents, because yes there are some people who shouldn’t be parents wither adoptive or biological. We want better education to the birth mothers to see if they can get help if they truly want to keep their children. I do know that there are some extreme circumstances where a mother can not keep her children.

That's who's giving all the usual thumbs down in here.— I have given you a couple of thumb downs not because of being an adoptive parent and you think adoption is the most wonderful thing. Because I do agree with you that adoption is wonderful, it provides a home to a much needed child. I give you a thumbs down because you and momof2 do not want to validate the feelings of adopted children. You seem to brush our feelings over when we talk about our feelings of loss and rejection or wanting to know about our birth families. To us when you and momof2 are saying is that our feelings do not matter. That all adopted kids should feel that adoption is so wonderful and why have feelings for our birth families. Some of us because of circumstances can not feel this way. I ask of you to please recognize that we have feelings and do not lump us as anti-adoption when we are just trying to be honest.

IMO, it's because they are bitter, hostile, hateful and blame everyone else for their problems instead of looking in the mirror and getting therapy.—Are some of us bitter, hostile ,and hateful? Yes some of us are, it comes from our loss of that biological tie. We want answers and because of some laws we can’t get answers to our questions. So that makes us angry, when we can’t get our adoption records. It makes some of us feel like a dirty little secret, or a taboo. I know that some adoptees do not fall in this category because they are not bitter about their adoption. Do some of us blame someone? Yes, because some feel that they were ripped from their birth mothers arms that their mothers were coerced into making the decision to give them up. BUT to tell us to look in the mirror and get therapy?!! Who is being insulting now.... That is a very unfair statement to make. WE have a right to our feelings. Now I do agree with you to be mean to someone who is looking to give up her baby to adoption and tell that mother to go abort. Is uncalled for and mean. But to say we need therapy...well you can be saying that of your daughter. How do you know she may not feel bitter or angry when she grows up? She may, especially if she wants answers on her biological family and can’t get any.

They don't have the capacity to take responsibility for their actions because they don't have a conscience.---- Us we do take responsibility for our actions, it called searching for our biological families.  Having answers to our questions. Joining adoption support groups. We do have a conscience otherwise some of us wouldn’t feel guilty if we started a search for our biological families. If we didn’t have a conscience we wouldn’t inform adoptive parents the feelings that some of us feel.

Notice how they rarely talk about children. It's always all about them and what suits their needs

—NO some of us do not talk about children we talk about our life experiences. So that any adoptive parent that comes on here can see where their adopted children are coming from. It’s not always about whatever suits our needs. It’s about being honest. I do know that there are some that can be insulting, but I know some try to be honest as possible.

. Most of us have left this forum because Yahoo won't separate the anti-adoptionists from those who have and wish to adopt.— by this statement I think you do not want us to give prospective adoptive parents informed information regarding adopted kids. We grew up being adopted so we have the resources of telling them what their adoptive kids might be feeling. I know that there are some on here that hate all adoptive parents, but that is not the case 100% of the time.

It probably wouldn't matter anyhow, because they've made up their minds who their enemies are and they stalk you, once they have. ----I really don’t know how to respond to this statement... I do not think all us adoptees are crazy stalkers!!

What frightens me the most is the harm they might have on homeless children & orphans who desperately need a loving family and safe home.—What harm??? As of right now adoption is taking place in some part of the world. Yes, there are many children and orphans needing a home, but it is because there is not enough adoptive parents. Or the process takes such a long time.

Thankfully, it's just a "few" collective persons, who have a lot of different user names. You are right. What they say is very rude and hurtful.—When we come across rude or hurtful, sometimes I think its because you do not want to know that adoptive children go thru some type of emotional journey. We may sound hurtful because we are just telling our experience.

```So in closing all us adoptees want is for our voices to be heard, by your posting, I have come to realize that maybe I was wrong. I thought you understood where some of us come from, but since you are not adopted, I don’t think you ever will. So I guess we can agree to disagree. I do hope you will be open and honest with your daughter and not make her hate or birth mother.

Answer 20

I've noticed it as well but I have also seen some very kind hearted, caring people on here.

(I know this will rack up quite a few thumbs down but here is my personal experience with adoption)

I was adopted at birth.  I have never known or been interested in finding my biological family.  The family that raised me IS my family.  Period.  I have never viewed it as a "traumatic loss" or that I was "ripped away from my real family."  I view the adoption as a tremendous gift I was given by someone who realized she was not in a position to raise a child at the time.  My parents have some information, including a letter, from the biological parents but I have never cared to read it.  All I know is that it was a teen pregnancy and the mother chose to let me be raised by someone who could provide the type of life that she could not.  

I was never treated differently or made to feel like less of a family member.  My mom got pregnant after she adopted me so my parents do have a "natural" child.  I was never referred to as "our adopted daughter."  I was told from an early age that I was adopted and what that meant.  I think I used the "you're not my real mommy" line once when I was 4 and still remember the pain it caused.  As a kid, I used to make my sister wish she was adopted too because I could tell her that I was special because I was picked and they just got stuck with her.

I know there are a lot of adoptees who feel like they were "robbed of their birthright" or "torn from their families."  These are valid feelings and they have a right to feel however they wish.  I would ask them to open their eyes a little and see the gift they were given instead.  I have visited many of the sites and forums on this topic.  There is a lot of rage and anger on them.  An adoption does not guarantee a happy ending but it was usually done with the best interest of the child in mind.

I disagree with the prevailing opinion on this board that no matter how bad your situation is, you should keep your baby.  If you are young, single, alone, haven't finished your education, have no means of support, etc  what kind of a life can you really give the baby?  There are some situations where it really is NOT in the best interest of the child to remain with the mother.  It may be in the mother's selfish best interest but the child will end up suffering.  I have a friend who keeps having kids.  They all have different deadbeat fathers and the state has to keep getting involved to take the kids away.  Instead of allowing the babies to be raised (permanently) in a stable, loving environment, they are raised in chaos.  They are in foster care, then they are back with her, then something happens and they get taken away again.  This type of situation will do more long term damage than letting them be adopted.

To Sunny:  You don't allow email but I was interested in continuing this conversation with you.  Feel free to email me.  While I have made my peace with my own adoption, there is some natural curiosity about the experiences that others have had. There are two other adult adoptees in my family and we have all had different experiences.  One searched and had all contact refused.  Another was contacted by b-mom after 30+ years.  And no, I did not make up my friend.  She had a child removed b/c her boyfriend abused her.  She chose her boyfriend over her child and had a baby with him....which the state removed as well.  All I was saying is that I have read a lot of questions/answers where the majority of the answerers say that keeping the mom and child together overrides all other considerations.  I was just offering the opinion that sometimes it isn't best for the parties involved.