Why do adoptive parents lie to the children they adopted about their adoption?

Question

I am am adoptee and i found out after my parents passed away. I had no clue that i have been adopted until about 2 months ago. Im not 29 years old.

Answer 1

I have a child who we adopted.... and we do not lie to her about her adoption .  She knows about all she can understand. We are very truthful with her and have nothing to hide.  Being adopted is just a fact about you...just like having freckles.  it isn't really a big deal, like some people make it.  Every family has its own unique dynamics.  How your mother met your father and where they went on a first date ....  What were you doing, when it "was time to go to th hospital"...  or what were you doing when you got the "magic phone call"....  It's all interesting and unique.  The glue that holds your family together....is LOVE.   It doesn't matter where you came from.  Hope more and more believe that and tell their kids the truth.  

Hope that helped you with your answer...

Answer 2

I found out that I was adopted at the age of 42, after my parents died.  I found the papers by accident while going through my Mom's wardrobe.

I later found out that many of our neighbours had known.  As one of them was a good friend, I asked her about the fact that they had never told me.

She said that my Dad had always told her that "there was simply nothing to tell".  In every way, I was their daughter.

Aside from the shock of finding out the way that I did.  I have to agree with my Dad.  In every possible way, I am their daughter.  My "birth mother" is simply like an incubator that was necessary for me to make it to my parents.  

For the most part, I'm really very glad that they didn't say anything when I was really young.  I truly believe that I had a much happier childhood without knowing.  It would have caused extra stress and hardship in our circumstances.

If they lied to me, it was out of love.  They have nothing to apologize for, in my opinion.

Love to them always.

Answer 3

I am really puzzled by this as well. I know for people who might be adoptees who are 35 or older. Back then many adoptions were kept secret; it was often advised by orphanage to never mention the adoption to the child. Its not just adoption but you see the same thing in donor egg/sperm, sometimes the couple wouldn’t tell a child that they were created via the donation of someone else’s genetic material.

Some people may not have wanted people to know that they had fertility problems.  They could want to just pretend that thus child is their birth child. In a sense block out the adoption in their head.  Its really sad because it will be hard on the adoptee they will wonder why it was kept secret like being adopted is dirty or something.

I recently read an article that talked about when Adoptive parents are open to their child about his or her adoption. That it often makes it easier on the adoptee and they actually will have a closer relationship to their adoptive parents.

Answer 4

Mine lied to me about the circumstances of my adoption. I think they did so for a couple of reasons - first to make me grateful for not growing up in a poor family and second to hide that fact that my mother was not married. I found out the truth when I received my non-identifying information from the state and had it confirmed when I later met my natural parents.

To me, it doesn't matter why they lie. A lie is a lie is a lie and the truth always comes out at the end. Unfortunately your adoptive parents are no longer around to be held accountable for their lies.

I'm sorry you were not told the truth about your history and origins - you definitely deserved the truth - all of us do.

Answer 5

I think it has to do with fear - and with wanting to pretend that the child is their own flesh and blood.

Fear - of the unknown - of the child wanting to know about their history and their truth - and about wanting to perhaps one day search out and have contact with their biological family.

(which - the child is entitled to - in my honest opinion - and if it's withheld - it causes more troubles in the long run - and has a major effect on the adoptees self worth.)

If secrets are held - it is assumed that the adoption was 'wrong' - which sends a horrible message to the adoptee.

How can an adoptee truly be proud - if their entire existence is a secret and a lie???

Sadly - I think this fear comes down to plain selfishness in the adoptive parents. They want to make it about THEM - and not about the CHILD - which is what adoption should be.

If an adoptive parent finds it all 'too hard' for them to deal with it all - then they really shouldn't have adopted in the first place.

Answer 6

Because they are insecure or stupid!!  Fear of being not loved by the adoptive child.  It is always best to tell the child as much as the child can handle.  You don't tell the whole story when the child is younger, but when they are a little older they can handle more.  They will resent you less if you are honest with them.  And whatever you do don't bad mouth the birth parents.  It is hard for a child to know that they have given away, and how the adoptive parent handles the situation will determine the relationship with the adoptive parents.

Answer 7

There are lies and then there are lies.... I guess it depends on the situation. I refuse to lie to my children but they are very young and I will at some time disclose the whole truth of their story....maybe your parents don't think you are ready for the whole truth. As adoptive parents you tell the child things they can understand at the time. Everything should be told to them by the time they are 16.... That's my thought anyway.

Answer 8

I don't know how old your parents are. but if they are over 50 or 60 that is why. they back in those days believed that saying nothing was good and it kept them good parents and maybe if you knew it would ruin your life if you knew and if you knew you'd run to them and forget them. that is best i can figure. i have met very few that didn't know. its sad when i did come across some that found out later in life. i was told ever sincei could remember but i always felt alone and that is what i did. they told me came from orphanage and etc. they (mom) gave me pair of brown high tops when i was in 30's told me that was what was givent o me when they got you. well my grandma had me and that was my adopted dads sister. she did't have much so therefore that is what she had. it was her son my dad and so much but you know in those things so much was tabu its hard to say why. so many reason and i am not feeling bad about it i have had time to think and why if i was them back then. i mean it all comes together its sad but that is life and it can't be taken back but its part of life take care.

Answer 9

I am adopted but I've known forever can't even remember when I found out. My parents told me that my birth mother was only 13 when she had me so maybe there was a reason they didn't tell you. I am 29 and it doesn't matter because they are my parents.

Answer 10

maybe its just a simple fact that they feel once they tell you they are not your birth parents you will look at them differently and not love them the same way or not love them at all its fear i think but i believe in honesty and you should always be up front about adoption because sooner or later adoptive children will find out, and if you haven't been straight with them from an age they can understand its going to cause problems like with you i guess.

Answer 11

Out of fear I think. Some adoptive parents are afraid they will loose you. Or they might think they are protecting you from sad adoption circumstances. Or, they just can't handle it themselves.

Either way I think it is wrong and deceitful. I'm an adoptive parent and my daughter has known about her adoption story from the beginning.  I would feel like I've betrayed her by not talking about it.

It's just wrong for adoptive parents to raise an adopted child and pretend to the adoptee and the world that they gave birth to you. Only to tell you 29 years later.

Answer 12

I dont know, but I won't.

Answer 13

I am not trying to be difficult or judgemental, i just would like to know.

Do you feel like you were deprived of anything?  If you just found out recently, what difference does it make, since you obviously turned out OK?

Answer 14

A lot of people have answered this question with really good answers, but just to reiterate... in the past, a lot of parents didn't tell their children they were adopted. Now, its more common for children to know. Parents usually withheld this sort of information for a variety of reasons. One would be that some parents are embarrassed or ashamed that they could not concieve themselves, or it is a painful subject. Another is fear of alienating the child or making the child feel unwanted or unloved. Every adoptive parent fears the taunt "I wish you had never adopted me! You aren't my real mommy/daddy!" I'm not saying its right, not at all, but it can be easier on the parent. Some don't even think its relevent, because an adopted child is no less important or loved than a biological child.

Answer 15

Insecurity and fear.  Savvy adoptive parents are very open about their adopted children's status.  And they are open and accepting of the fact that their adopted children came from a different family.  If that family is safe to interact with (and most are), savvy adoptive parents include them in their adopted children's lives.

It is sad but true that earlier generations were not given permission to face their fears and insecurities and, thus, many could not bear to disclose their adoptive children's status to them.

I imagine you are feeling very betrayed right now, and you have every right to those feelings.  There is a group on the internet that you may find helpful - http://www.latediscovery.org/.

There, you will learn that you are not alone in your experience.  Many many others have been through this.  I wish you the best.

Answer 16

It truly depends on the era in which the child was adopted.  Like all parenting advice, it has changed and reversed itself over the years....

In the 30's most records were not yet sealed, and families routinely got original records with names on them, and it wasn't a big deal that a child was adopted.

In the 40's & 50's Infant adoptions became more prevalent, and the theory was that a child would be hurt if they knew that they were adopted, and families were counseled that the child should never be told.

In the 60's &70's, the theory changed again, and now families were counseled to tell the child, though when to tell varied by agency, with some saying to tell early and often, and some saying to tell when the child reached adulthood,  and the full range in between.

Since the 80's the theory has been to tell, early and often, and to answer questions as honestly and fully as you can, in an age appropriate manner.  But some families are still stuck in the 40's.  Perhaps they are afraid, as an earlier poster suggested, that if their child knows that they have no biological link, that they won't be loved.....

Answer 17

Thats a tough one. There is no way that I can't tell my daughter. She is from another country, so there is no hiding it. But, remember that 29 years ago, adoption was not as popular as it is today. Perhaps they kept it quiet to save you having to explain it at school or to friends that would want to know more? I think it has a lot to do with the generation that they came from possibly.

Answer 18

Fear.

I am sorry but if an adoptive parent says "I plan on telling them when they are older" you are lieing to your child.  You are letting that child grow up and then when "you" (aparent) deem them old enough you will pull the rug right out from underthem.

I was lied to by the aparents.  I was told that she would always know who I was and who I am to her.  I was told a few months ago that "They don't want to confuse her about who I am."  Sorry but you are just setting yourself up for anger and outrage when she is older when you finally tell her the truth.

It is all about fear and control.

I am sorry that your parents never told you.

and no I am not nor have I ever been an incubator! that is just rude to call another human that.