Why do adoptive parents want a baby that looks like them?

Question

I asked in a previous post about people only wanting white babies. One of the prevailing answers is that people want a baby who looks like them. Why do adoptive parents want their baby to look like them? To be honest, I think this is a stupid answer. Other than that I really can't come up with anything else. I think this makes no difference at all in the parent adoptee relationship. What are your thoughts? For some reason I can't gather my thoughts around this so if somebody could help it would be great.

Answer 1

Okay, I can't fully answer this.

But, my uncle adopted one of his sons. He didn't ask for a white baby or anything. He got what he got. It just turns out he looks like him. (White with black hair) Now I'm sure my uncle would have loved Alex no matter what. But, its kinda nice when the baby looks like you. Strangers don't assume stuff. Nobody asks questions. It seems natural.

But, I don't thimk that's a reason to turn down a kid of a different race.

I guess this is a pretty bad answer...sorry.

Answer 2

We adopted and the birthmother selected us over many other couples. We had no say in what our child was going to look like and didn't really care. We just wanted a baby to love and be a part of our family. The wierd thing is our son does look like my husband. But if he didn't look like either of us we wouldn't care. We love our son for who he is not for how he looks. We are very open about his adoption, too.

Answer 3

because the don't want the child to know that they are not the real parents.. but to me if i wanted a child .. it would not matter what the child looked like..only that it was heathly

Answer 4

because they want the child to a) feel he is like them and b) people will not assume the child is adopted. It's a preferance. If that's what they want, who cares, at least they're adopting a child that would otherwise be without

Answer 5

My parents obviously missed the boat on that one! They adopted me because they loved me! Race was not a factor for them. When people would ask my mom is she your daughter. My mom would just reply of course she is!

Answer 6

What does it matter?  Its really none of your business why people do anything.

Answer 7

For some reason they feel insecure about adopting so they try to find a child that looks like them so it was as if they had it themselves.  They kind of try to fit in or keep up with the Jones', ya know!

Answer 8

Well, a couple of reasons.  So that the child will blend in well with the family.  Benefits both. The other is that when you are different from those around you, you tend to get unwanted attention (just ask any parent of a disabled child).

It is no different from women who are able to conceive and bear a child.  Many have no desire to have a mixed race child, so do not date men of other races.  It may have nothing to do with the race but the culture.  Who knows.  However, in my area, it is so common to see folks who have adopted a child from China, Korea, or S. America, nobody bats an eye at it.

Answer 9

so they ca tell their child its their biological parents and when walking in public with there child it looks like they really related.....

Answer 10

So they can tell the baby they are its biological parents.

Answer 11

I cannot speak for all adoptive parents, but in our case, we were not concerned about race.  In fact, we had talked about adopting from China if we ever adopted.  But when our son's bio-family contacted us, we fell in love with him.  It had nothing to do with the color of his skin.  

I do understand what you are saying though.  I feel somewhat the same way about why do people only want to adopt "perfect" children?  There are so many children available with special needs and yet people do not want to adopt a "less than perfect" child.    It is sad.

Answer 12

It's not something we want or even think about.  We are trying to adopt again and would love a child of any race.  It just doesn't matter in our case.

Answer 13

I think I understand this, though I don't agree with it.  

I certainly don't think all adoptive parents are in it for the wrong reasons.  I know that there are good, conscientious adoptive parents out there.  Please don't take my answer as a blanket criticism.

But some people want children out of a need to fulfill some ego need they have.  They might do this biologically.  But if they can't, or won't for some reason, adoption is a way to fulfill that desire to see themselves reflected in someone else.  In that case, they would want a child who would be as much like them as possible.  I've known several narcissistic parents (biological) who tried very much to get their children to follow in their footsteps.  Someone who cannot have their own children, may have some of those same tendencies.  (Again, NOT ALL adoptive parents fit this.)  

This may not be as bad as some of the narcissistic parents I know, too.  Some may feel like they won't know how to raise a child who doesn't look like them with a full sense of their culture and heritage.  That may be less an ego trip and more someone who has a sense that culture and heritage may be important.  (I don't know that they cannot give that to children from different backgrounds, but I recognize some people feel that way.)  This is, perhaps, a better reason for that impulse.

I know that, in the past, social workers would try to match babies in the belief that the child would be more easily absorbed into the new family.  I don't know how much of that belief remains today.

So there may be several different reasons ranging from the selfish (narcissistic tendencies) to the (misguided?) altruistic ones.  It also strikes me that there could be, in some cases, unconscious (or conscious?) racism at work.  

I'm sure others have some insights into this as well.  But I do think it's a good question to try to work through.

Answer 14

Actually many whites who have a heart for adoption have a heart for children and therefore any children, especially ones in need from places like South America, India, China, Vietnam, Africa, etc..  I really would like to adopt when I grow up and would want to adopt a child/children from any of these places.  In other words, I agree with you but I don't think what the people who answered your last question said was correct.  They were probably know-it-alls that just made up an answer.

Answer 15

There was a question on this board not too long ago posted by an adoptee about how to deal with people who ask them about being adopted.  The asker was of a different race than their adoptive parents, and so even complete strangers would ask if they were adopted or questions about being adopted.

(I can understand this because when we had our natural children they were twins.  People would stop us in the street to ask about them.  This became very annoying after a time.  In one case, a person literally followed us through a store to ask us if they were twins.)

When we adopted, we wanted to be seen as a family.  We did not want the constant attention by people say "I wonder if they are adopted!?"  We are open about the fact our boys are adopted, but don't want it to define who they are.

Answer 16

When my husaband and I thought about adoption, we didnt care what race the baby was. We thought when we adopted, then god wanted us to have this baby to be ours. People think that race matters but if you want a child it shouldnt matter what race this child is. Think about it, there are many out there that adopt from China and I am sure they didnt think oh this baby looks like me. SO, does it matter to some yes but to alot no. A child is a child.

Answer 17

I have never heard of this. I have seen a lot of parents with black, Chinese, etc. children.  People I know of adopted Chinese children.

Answer 18

This isn't true, you are just saying what you think!  And its really stupid not everyone is shallow I have family and friends, ALL WHITE who have adopted chinese children and african american children and they are the great parents with happy kids.

Answer 19

I don't really know as we adopted transracially. I can't imagine that ever being a criteria for us.

That said, it is good when people know their own limits. Not everyone is suited to be a transracially adoptive family. You have to know yourself (and your innermost prejudices) well and you need to be willing to make sacrifices to provide more options and opportunities to your child (ie, perhaps if you live in a small all white town, maybe be willing to move to a more diverse town, you should be willing to embrace another culture into your family, etc).

If someone really doesn't think they are suited to raise a child that "doesn't look like them," I wouldn't want them to attempt it, purely for the child's sake.

Answer 20

So they can play 'lets pretend this is our real child' I guess

In the old days adopted families were designed to be indistinquishable from natural families (hence the close matching and closed records and secrecy so nobody would  know)

Nowadays that's all changed and it's about time people caught up to living in the current century

(Your bubba is adorable btw)

Answer 21

My hubby and I never asked for a "white" baby as you put it.  We are Caucasian, and we do foster to adopt through our states agencies...all we put on our request form was a boy age 5 and under.

Answer 22

Alot of parents want kids that look like them because when the kid growes up they don't want them asking questions about why they are so different then their parents. Alot of parents don't want their kids to find out that their adopted do to the fact that most adopted kids when they find out get mad and stop talking to their parents or rebel or even go looking for their real parents, and in most cases that doesn't end well for them.

Answer 23

I'm not sure if you are familiar with adoption, but I will give you "my opinion" on why some parents choose same race children.

Adoption can be difficult. Not only are there sometimes attachment issues that a parent/child need to deal with, but the child will more than likely at some point, become familiar that he/she and his/her parents, "are different".  That applies to same race parents/babies as well. Different color hair, eyes, color/tone of skin, interests/hobbies, and personalities.

There will be issues to deal with in school, etc., Family Tree assignment, dealing with classmates who may not know what adoption is, or may not be familiar with Adoption Language (this includes teachers too). Some adoptees will struggle with their "identity", etc.,  So, I guess my answer is this...........It is "for some" one less opportunity for questions by strangers.  Believe it or not, we, as adoptive parents, deal with more ignorant questions than you may be aware of. Questions, that really, are no one's business except for the parents and the child's.

Hope this shines a different light on things for you.

Answer 24

so its easier to tell them or not tell them that they are adopted.

Answer 25

I think this is complicated.  First of all, I think it is easier for a child to not to be separated from his or her race and culture, but that COULD be an excuse by some adoptive parents for just not wanting a baby of a different race as much.  Some people, even in this day and age, probably even want to be able to  'pass off" their adopted child as their biological child- ughhh.  I certainly can't pass off my daughter as a biological child since she's Asian and I'm white, but I have examined my own motives in our adoption decisions.  My husband is Asian and I'm white.  We decided to adopt from Asia.  Do I think that it is good for our daughter that half of her extended family she is growing up with is Asian?  Yes.  So, that was truly one of the reasons we decided on the program we did.  Could we have provided a Black child the same connection to his or her roots?  Probably not.  Is that fair, or is that a racist decision on our part since decisions like ours mean that Black children remain without families?  I honestly don't know.

Answer 26

I don't get that either!

Even if the child and parents are both white it doesn't mean the child will have the same features or even look a like.

My child doesn't look a thing like us, and it doesnt matter at all!

Answer 27

When a couple decide to have children, usually they plan to have their own.  When they find they can't, they want a child that will most look like them when they are grown.  Also, some couples feel that the child would have a better chance if there were few or no physical characteristics that differ from the adoptive parent...allegedly, the child would fit in better with the extended family, etc.

Then, you have some adoptive parent that don't care what the baby looks like, what race the child is, whether or not it has any defects, etc.  These are just people that want to raise kids for the love of raising kids.

I'm trying to adopt a 13 year old.  Am I crazy?

Answer 28

Not all do.  We didn't care.  We are white and our child is from Latin America.  I think some people care because they don't want to deal with second glances and questions.

Answer 29

Because strangers can be rude and intruding and will ask questions like "where did you get your baby?".  Some adoptive parents may want to avoid this simply by "getting" (for lack of a better word) a child that resembles them.  It's also possible that the parents do not want the child to know that he or she was adopted...

Answer 30

I think it is human nature.  people think the baby should look like the natural child.  years ago adoption agencies tried to be sure the child looked like the parents.  redhead to redhead  etc.