Why do infertile couples spend so much money on fertility treatments before considering adoption?

Question

I believe everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that people who can not have biological kids and still want children are meant to adopt. There are and will always be children that need homes for one reason or another. What is the big hang up on children being biologically connected to you.

Answer 1

Those are just your personal convictions. It's totally normal to want to have a child that comes from your own body. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Answer 2

Quite frankly, adoption can be more costly then infertility treatment for some couples, like my husand and me.  Our insurance covers almost everything and we would have to have thousands of dollars available to adopt, which we don't have.  Don't judge so much because everything does happen for a reason.

Answer 3

Infertility is a very tough thing to come to grips with.  Speaking as someone who faced it, I had a lot of anger to overcome.  It's hard when every month you cry your eyes out and meanwhile, all you hear about is either happy, expectant moms or people who treat pregnancy like a bother.  Yes, I know it's more complex than that, but when you're in the middle of dealing with infertility, it seems like everyone in the world is having babies, but you.

Edit: to clairfy in case people are reading my posts and trying to put two and two together.  I had the joy of experiencing secondary infertility.  I have one biological child from when I was much younger but for some unknown reason, were unable to have another.  So, not only is everyone having babies but you, but then people get to say "Well, you had one, you'll have another."  And "Just relax, then you'll get pregnant."  Or my personal favorite, "You were lucky to have one (which we are) so you are selfish for wanting another."  So, yeah, I had a few things to work out and going the infertility treatment (unsuccessfully) route was part of it.

Answer 4

I wonder the same thing.  After I found out the possibility of pregnancy was slim even with the chance of "help", I went right to adoption.  My philosophy was that biological children were not in the cards for me and I needed to come to terms with that. (I put it simply here, but believe me it took years!)

I also understood that I had a unique situation as I was a teacher and understood kids, family situations, etc.  I was also from a family that "adopted" friends who had no family nearby so I knew my family would be supportive.

Answer 5

Maybe you're right, but how do you think the family feels? The husband wants to give his wife a beautiful baby, and he can't. He'll go to all the lengths to make her happy and if thats what it takes, he will. I think they want their own child, and it's too upsetting for them to consider adopting, although many do. Maybe people feel the oposiite of you do, and that if they can't conceive naturally, they must use fertilisation. It is sad, but they want a child of their OWN. I can understand them, you must imagine how agonising it must be to be told you can't have a chid, so the people will go to all the lengths to prove thats wrong.

Answer 6

Probably because bitter people are screaming at them that adoption is evil and they're baby stealers if they chose to have a family that way..

yeah.. children who NEED homes, who are waiting for homes REALLY benefit from that kind of campaigning, huh?

sorry..not in the best mood right now LOL..

I agree with you though..

but this doesn't mean people who try fertility treatments, etc.. are to be judged in any way.. If there was something medical I could do to be able to biologically have my own children, I probably would.. But I don't see any hope of that.. so I'm planning on adopting when the time is right..

Answer 7

Because for profit insurance companies will not cover infertility treatments....cancer treatments.....transplant procedures but they DO cover treatments and medications for erectile dysfunction.  

If I pay for the delivery costs of someones baby in my premiums then they should have to pay for my infertility in theirs.

The CEO for Blue Cross and Blue Shield makes a seven figure income but they will not cover my $10,000 treatment?

God knows it would be easier than adoption. We have had unexplained infertility since I was nineteen. No diagnosis....no problem!

I did not make this decisions....it was made for me by an insurance adjuster!

Answer 8

Well it may not be important to you, but it might be to your biologically unrelated child.

It might be hard to remember but it is not all about you.

Answer 9

I agree with you totally about everything happens for a reason.  But sometimes people (such as myself) get so hung up on society's opinions, that you forget to let things "just happen".

When we were struggling with infertility, I got so hung up on having a baby because that is what "society" was telling me should happen.  Friends/Family kept asking when we were going to get pregnant and I just focused on not being able to have a child.  We did spend money on infertility treatments before adopting.  For me, I think it was out of guilt for not being able to give my husband a child (although it turned out that the infertility was with both of us).  It took my husband coming to me and saying that enough was enough and we should consider adoption.  He hated what the treatments were doing to me.

However, I do feel that going through our infertility treatments and the loss of pregnancy made us stronger to get through the adoption process.  I also think that since our son has a medical disorder, it made me stronger as a mom to fight the battle for him.  So in that sense, looking back now, I feel like we had to go through infertility in order to be the best parents we can be for our son.  I just didn't see it back then.

People thumbs down me all the time and send me nasty emails because I reference our adoption being our miracle.  For us, it was.  I feel that God had a bigger plan for all of us in creating our family - I just didn't understand that plan back when it was happening.  

Hope that adds a little perspective to your question from someone who has done both - suffered thru infertility and been blessed by adoption.

Answer 10

Why do infertile couples spend so much money on treatments before considering adoption?  Because some people are more traditional and aren't that familiar with adoption.  Others are afraid of adoption.  Others may want to be pregnant more than to be parents.  Others may not be able to care for a child that doesn't have their genes (ridiculous, in my opinion).

But it is about choice.  What gets me is these couples that use fertility treatments and end up having 4 or 5 babies at a time and become instant celebrities.  That just seems a bit over the top and indulgent to me.  But then some (not all!) people who adopt ("collect") 10-12 children and go on t.v. are just as indulgent in some cases.  

AND GERSHY:  (You know I usually have something to say to you!)  Your comment:  "It's not too comforting to go from being the mistake, to 2nd best" actually saddened me.  It helps me understand your anger a bit more.  No one should feel like a "mistake" (probably, most of us were!), or that they are "second best" because they were adopted.  Sometimes, we think we know what we really want in life.  (pregnancy?) But then we find out we didn't even know what filled our hearts.  (adoption?)  

Also, let's face it, most of us aren't walking around on earth because we had two madly in love parents who plotted and planned our conceptions over wine and candlelight.

Yep.  Joslin.

Answer 11

EXCELLENT question!!!! I totally agree with you! I to beleive that things happen for a reason, and those that can't biologically, should adopt. However being one that has two biological children, I don't know how hard it is to NOT be able to give birth to your own child....I would like to think though that I would have adopted, had I not been able to! Great question!

Answer 12

vanity.

Answer 13

I think every person will have a different answer.  I tried one round of IVF (which was MUCH less than adoption)...we don't have a lot of extra money, that being said, money wasn't the issue.  We tried IVF first thinking (incorrectly) that adopting an infant in the US was nearly impossible.  I am thankful every second of every day that our IVF attempt was not a success.  And by the way, I asked the same question of myself that you did after we adopted!!!

Answer 14

Most parents want their own child, to pass on the name, etc. Want to be able to experience it.

Answer 15

I think we can't judge, we all have our own unique experiences and I can't judge them for their choices and they can't judge for mine.  I chose adoption over infertility but friends have gone the other route.  End result, we are all mothers.

Answer 16

Infertile couples who are ment to have children do go on to adopt.  I wish you would be a little more senseative to the feelings of others. I certainly hope you're no suggesting that infertile couples are baren " for a reason".

For me being infertile was depressing. First of all some fertility disorders like poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) acually affects the hormones that can cause depression. For me I was devistated because my husband wanted children and I could not give them to him. I felt like I was failing as a woman, trying so hard and always comming up short. The one defining differnce between men and women is the ability to have children. Every little girl I ever knew spent their free time playing with dolls. Playing house.... It's almost as if from early chilhood we as women are expected to be mothers. Now imagine for a moment that you want to be a mother but CANNOT do what nature expects of you? Infertile couples want biological children for the same reasons fertile couples have biological children. Just because we're infertile does not mean that our hopes and dreams are any differnt or less important than fertile couples. Further more watch the news, Dr. Phil or an adoption support group and realize the very real prospect of having a failed adoption. Even CPS adoptions arn't a sure thing.

Believe it our not comming to terms with infertility is definately a grieving process. Please especially when addressing women highly senseative to this issue, handle it with a little bit more empathy.

Answer 17

Well i think it is ingrained in our culture that to have a child of your own if the standard however I think that is changing. I know plenty of people in my family who have adopted and i myslef am an adoptee. We have been trying to have a baby for the past 4 years, and unfortunantly in my state NO fertility treatments are covered by health insurance so the fertility treatments could be MUCH more expensive than adopting AND you not even garenteed a child at the end of the treatments. I dont want to waste money on invitro when there are so many loving children that need a good home. If I  eventually have a child in the furture then great but im not going to waste hundreds of thousands and the next ten years hopeing to have my own bio child. Any baby I raise will be mine.

Answer 18

Because biology IS important to them.   Once they adopt though, they insist that biology suddenly ISN'T important - go figure.

Answer 19

I totally agree with you.  

We are basically animals. Animals who have been programmed to reproduce.  We're hard-wired for procreation. That, and EGO.  We want children that look like us.  I admit it. I did, too.  (funny thing, though.... neither of my two biological children look anything like me! )

That's why ONLY very special people can rise above animal instincts and raise another woman's offspring.

Answer 20

I don't know why infertile couples spend so much money on fertility treatments before considering adoption.

I think infertility and adoption need to be kept separate anyways. The two shouldn't mix. One isn't an alternative to the other, and adoption shouldn't be the "last resort" that taints the relationship with second best....which..i guess, is the reality. I know I hated hearing the stories of how my aparents tried EVERYTHING to have a child for YEARS, and they COULDN'T so they adopted, and were SO HAPPY to have me. pfffft. Its not too comforting to go from being the mistake, to 2nd best.

Answer 21

Because biology IS important.  It's the same reason why so many adoptees and first parents spend years and years, and thousands of dollars searching for each other...it's the need to have your own biological connection to someone in this world.

Answer 22

that is a personal choice- I don't think for some couples that going to fertility clinic is wrong necessarily- however I agree with you that adoption is a wonderful choice, and if that is what is meant to happen for you or someone else that is what will happen- My husband and I chose adoption very quickly because I was adopted as well, and had a great family experience- and my hubby was not adopted and did not have a good upbringing- so being biological does not necessarily equate happiness- but it can for some people.

Answer 23

I understand your opinion but the biological bond that exists is much much stronger than you would find with adoption. Not everyone can grow to love someone elses child.

Answer 24

When you say 'everything happens for a reason' that implies that your future child lost his family just for the reason of joining your family.

How would you like it if your wife or biological child died, and instead of offering my condolences, I said, "Well, R, everything happens for a reason!"

Please spare the kid this tired pablum.

Answer 25

Not all people CAN adopt.  Folks with disabilities, too old (by the social worker's standard), don't have the right employment or education or health problems will all have problems trying to adopt.  In addition, many couples would not be allowed to adopt because one or both have a drug conviction back when they were in their teens or early 20s.  Yes, even 25 years later, it is held against you.

I would add that I think it is reasonable to have infertility treatment. Something is broken.  We should fix it.

Answer 26

You say 'everything happens for a reason' as if this is a good argument for your opinion on adoption.  What makes you say that?  Do children in Africa watch their parents beaten and killed in civil war 'for a reason'?  Usually there is a reason behind things, but you can't just write these things off to "God's will" because by doing that you remove your own responsibility to have compassion and act on your environment.   'God's will' often includes a lesson for you.

I don't know if you are aware just how difficult it is to adopt?  Do you know that you have to go on a waiting list for up to 5 years before your application is even accepted?  Did you know that adopting from a developed country is so difficult that many people go overseas to adopt?  And do you know that if you adopt from a country which has not signed up to the Hague Convention, you could be 'adopting' a child which has been stolen from its natural parents and sold into the adoption trade?  

So are you really sure the hang up is about 'biological connection'?  Or could it be a bit more complicated than that?  Could it be that many people just want the life they dreamed of as a child, and it takes them a long time and lots of tears to accept that they will struggle to have their own biological child.    The minefield of trying to adopt is not always attractive because of its complexity.

Try and consider the difference in terms of stress between:

(a) making love to create a baby within the sanctity and safety of your home

(b) taking whatever medical intervention will allow you the opportunity to create that baby - at least close to home

(c) filling out an application form for a country under the Hague Convention which may or may not be looked at for 5 years and having your chances of having a child reduced to a beaurocratic lottery and dollars.

(d) finding a 'legitimate' reason to move to another country which is not under the Hague Convention for one year, trying to find a child which is not stolen (how would you even begin?), then trying to convince your own country to let you back in with the child which will not become a citizen of your country without meeting exactly the right legal, and health, conditions.

(e) fostering a child for months or years which you may well (very likely will) have to give back to its parents when the state considers them able to look after it.

Please try and broaden your understanding of the emotional complexities of these issues.  People don't just 'spend so much money on fertility treatments before considering adoption'.  

If you think about it you might realise that people actually are in a grief stricken emotional state for a lot of the time, doing whatever they can within the limits of their sanity and finances to come as close as possible to having the joy of a child who looks up at them and says ''mummy" or "daddy".  All the time they're researching their options and considering what they are able to cope with depending on the stage they're at.  It's a process of elimination, easiest to hardest.  

Have a heart and take that judgement out of your tone.

Answer 27

Actually we didn't have to spend that much on our fertility treatments because my insurance covered the majority of the expenses.  So we are spending way more on our adoption than we did on the treatments.

We went through with the treatments because yeah, we wanted to experience pregnancy and that biological connection.  It's not a hang up, it's perfectly natural  to want that connection.

Just because I wanted that experience doesn't mean that I didn't want to adopt.  We had planned on 1 bio and 1adopted -- that just wasn't meant to be.  After several years of coming to terms with our infertility we moved forward with our adoption plans.

Answer 28

You need to consider the fact that not all people CAN adopt.  Folks with disabilities, too old (by the social worker's standard), don't have the right employment or education or health problems will all have problems trying to adopt.  In addition, many couples would not be allowed to adopt because one or both have a drug conviction back when they were in their teens or early 20s.  Yes, even 25 years later, it is held against you.

I would add that I think it is reasonable to have infertility treatment. Something is broken.  We should fix it.

'Everything happens for a reason' is so sick and mean that I am always appalled when seemingly nice people victimize others with such loaded drivel.

Answer 29

I am a student of psychology, and I like to think I am enlightened, but. . .I honestly agree with another poster here who stated "not everyone can love someone else's child".  I am a stepmother to two children, and I honestly barely like them.  Of course I am very kind to them and go out of my way to help them, etc., and we get along (I only see them 3-4 days per month) BUT I know there is no way I could ever remotely feel for them what I feel for my biological children.  There is no contest at all.  I look at my biological kids and I see the good and bad parts of me in them, and I feel that I can relate to them because they are truly "part of me".  I know I will probably get a lot of thumbs down, but this is just the straight up truth, for me. So if I feel this way about kids my husband loves, I can only imagine that I would feel this way about adopted children.  Now, that is not to say that EVERYONE would feel that way.  Many people love their adopted children very, very much and take great care of them.  I personally know several adults who were adopted and they are healthy and happy as are their parents.  So, it isn't for everyone.  If I wanted more kids are suddenly found out I were infertile, I wouldn't adopt because I know that I, personally, could not love the child like he or she deserved.

Answer 30

I think this is a difficult one to really answer without the negative critisism.

Just been speaking to my Amum, and asked her this. She didnt go for the IVF thing, thats because she couldnt afford it. Its an instinct. People wont accept that, but it is. I am pretty sure that if I were told I couldnt have kids, then I would try other ways to have kids. Adoption is one of those other ways. It doesnt mean that the parent loves the child any less just because its adopted and wasnt born by them.

I personally think, adopted or not, you can and are able to love that child, bio or not.

Some women want to pregnancy as they think they will bond with the child alot more, but then again, some women dont actually bond with their child and choose to give it up for adoption. Its a both sided thing.

We as humans, have emotions that are independant to us, And I trully think that no matter what science shows, stats etc, they cant and are not, able to give percentages or facts about how our emotions work, Its impossible.

People want to keep believeing these things and dont like to face up to their own emotions.

I think that adoption, in most circumstances, is a great thing. I do not agree with people trying to advertise or pay dirty money. That is not moral.

Biology isnt as real as emotions. Science cant proove that.

P.S have a star for a interesting question!!! :)

Answer 31

I adopted but only going through in vitro 4 different times.  I just think that if we didn't try we would always have that "what if" feeling for the rest of our lives.  I love my son more than anything in the world, but was just something we had to try.