Why do letters addressed to expectant parents have the greeting "Dear Birthmother"?

Question

I have never understood why portfolios from people who what to adopt children are addressed as “Dear Birthmother”. One “adoption encyclopedia” defines a birthmother as “The biological or genetic mother of an adopted child; the woman who, with the birthfather, conceived the child and who carried the pregnancy to term and delivered, then subsequently placed the child for adoption.”

So, if a letter is addressed as “Dear Birthmother”, is it not true that the authors of the letter are too late to get the child? Has not the child of a “Birthmother” already been adopted?

I have read that some hopeful adoptive parents object to addressing their letters “Dear Birthmother” but have been told by their agencies that they are required to do so. (Hats off to adoptive parents who “get it”!)

Can anyone tell me why people persist in addressing letters as “Dear Birthmother”?

Note: Apologies to people who are offended by the “birthmother” label. I hate it too!

Answer 1

Hmm, is this really a question, or a rant?  

No this is not coercion.  The letters are to the woman who will give birth to the baby they will raise.  Just because other women may happen to read the letters beforehand does not change anything.  I mean, I can read a letter addressed to "Suzy-Anne" and not get confused about what my name is!  If you're going to keep your baby, or decide later to keep your baby, then the letter was not written to you.  If you're not a "birthmom" (and I'm working by your definition here, even though I personally believe that term can be given to any mother who has given birth) then why is reading a letter directed to one a problem for you?  I mean, seriously, if someone gave you a portfolio of letters to read that were addressed "Dear Child Molester" would you think that the letter was for you?  Would you think that just because you read the letter you now had to become a child molester?  

These letters are only intended to be read by a woman picking out adoptive parents for the child she is carrying.  If she decides not to relinquish, then the letters were never meant for her, and so she was not addressed in them.  It would be stupid to address the letter "Dear mother-to-be" because that is NOT who they are writing.  "Mother-to-be" could be any of millions of expectant women around the world whose babies they are not wanting to raise.  It may also hurt the feelings of some "potential birthmoms" who have come to terms with the fact that they aren't going to be "mothers" right now (at least not in the traditional sense).  How should the letters be addressed?  Dear "firstmom" has the same connotations as "birthmom".  Dear "biological mother" sounds quite harsh in such an intimate letter.  

Would you prefer something more along the lines of "Dear woman who didn't know how to keep her legs closed" or maybe the nicer "Dear Woman who decided not to be a baby killer ".  I mean, if we're really working to be offensive, we could go all out!  What about "Dear baby making machine" or "Dear incubator" or "Dear not rich enough to have a child" or even "Dear Ghetto Gang Banger".  Or how about the coercive angle....  "Dear nanny for my unborn child" or "Dear Ms. Not as a good a mother as me" or "Dear unfit parent".  

I'm not saying that noone in the adoption industry is corrupt, but there are many battles to fight that are much more important than letters intended to help a girl pick out good parents for a child she cannot or does not want to raise.  Should we go back to the old days instead, where nuns took the babies from girls and turned them over to the highest bidder?  That way we can avoid any nasty letters addressed to birthmoms.

Answer 2

I really hated seeing that!!  I still do.  Sorry but while I was carrying my daughter I was not a birth mother, I was an EXPANTENT MOTHER, just like any other women who was pregnant.  I did not become a FIRST MOM until I signed those papers which then stopped me from being her legal mother.

I was actually fortunate enough to find an agency who did not have any of the paps use that line.  As I was told it was because at the time that I was looking  thru the profiles I was still her mother and not a birthmom.

It is still used because we, first moms, are used to make the agency money, to get our children any means necessary.

Answer 3

I am going to guess that it is addressed that way because that is the most common "language".  I, however, have my addressed to "Natural mom".....not sure why I did it that way, I guess because I knew that that is less offensive to those that constantly try to find reasons to hate AP's.

Answer 4

Ok, I can kind of understand where you are coming from - but please try and understand what I am going to say- from my own personal experience-  my husband and I did address our children's biological as birth mom in our letter to her- however I can personally tell you that this is what our son still calls herself- it was not coercion of any kind- this is from me but from her. How else would you address this person- she would still know that we wanted to adopt. I just don't get it- and if you asked my birth mom and the birth mom or my daughter , I do not think they would hate the term- because all three sought adoption for their children- I would love to here from someone that did place for adoption to explain if this bothers them, and if it does, I am SO sorry for adding to your sorrow

Answer 5

There is power in words. That's why all the politicians hire people to manipulate their words for them, in slogans and speeches.

The phrase "Dear Birthmother" slots everyone into place. You are the birthmother. We are the adoptive parents of your baby. No wiggle room. Our roles are defined.

To refer to a pregnant woman simply and truthfully as a pregnant woman or as a mom-to-be keeps the scenario open to interpretation. It doesn't pin her in place. It doesn't tell her what her job is.

How sad, that for some women, the only time they feel loved and recognized is when they are given the title "birthmother". Not an aspiration most of us would want for our daughters. But that's all part of it, too: a woman who doesn't have support in her life, trying to find a way to be special, no matter what the long term consequences might be. This is why having loved ones is crucial in life. No one ever wants to be so alone that the only support they can find is from the people who are trying to get the baby that's still inside their body. How tragic is that?

Answer 6

Birthmother letters are just a ploy of the adoption agencies who are out to make money. They tell the adoptive parents to call the women who will be bringing this most precious child into the world, a birthmother. They make her feel less before she even has a chance to know what it feels like to be a mother with her own flesh and blood in arms.

To Gaia Raain - Absolutely they are still mothers! Why is there such a strong desire to take away the title of mother because YOU don't think it deserving. Lots of judging going on, but it doesn't change the fact that a woman who gives birth is indeed a mother.

ETA: Quoted from above: "I finally felt like someone felt I had an important part in what was going on. It wasn't all about the baby I was carrying, and whether I was the only one who didn't want to kill her, or that I wasn't the only one who knew I couldn't keep her. I was finally thought of. But I guess that's all part of how I was coerced, right?"

This is exactly why women are losing their babies because agencies are the ones to give women the attention that they need, but not the KIND of attention that they need. **Finally, someone cared about me instead of the child I was carrying.** Etc...exactly what FauxClaud wrote about - the agency makes you feel good about you when nobody else in you family has = coercion!

Answer 7

Because dear mother-to-be would make her option to change her mind easier!  it's very clever manipulation

Answer 8

Oh, please.  You're being a bit sensitive, with all due respect.  I suppose you'd rather it say "Dear Prospective Birthmother" then?

**ETA- ya know, I read those portfolios, and I remember the letters saying "Dear Birthmother".  I finally felt like someone felt I had an important part in what was going on.  It wasn't all about the baby I was carrying, and whether I was the only one who didn't want to kill her, or that I wasn't the only one who knew I couldn't keep her.  I was finally thought of.  But I guess that's all part of how I was coerced, right?

Answer 9

This isn't about whether or not one finds the term "birthmother" acceptable when referring to a woman who has already relinquished her child.  That's another topic altogether.

This is about referring to a woman who hasn't even delivered the child, let alone relinquished, as a birthmother.  It doesn't even make logical sense.  If a birthmother is defined as the woman who gave birth to a child who is now adopted by someone else, then the pregnant woman is not a birthmother.  She may become one in the future, or  not.  She may even be planning to become one.  But, she's not one until she relinquishes the child to be adopted.

If a pregnant woman who is considering adoption, particularly if she's begun an adoption plan, is referred to as the birthmother, her role is defined.  It makes it much more likely that she will not change her mind about relinquishing.

Answer 10

It's merely another form of "you're here to give your baby away".  Call someone something long enough and they actually believe they are.  Many adoptive parents understand that the title in itself can be insulting, but are in fact told by agencies and lawyers that this is PC adoption language.  It's simply a way to slowly convince the woman she is an incubator.

(the lawyer who handled my adoption plan is a natural mother from the baby scoop era.....she despised the term, she instructed her clients to use the term: expecting mom)

Answer 11

mental conditioning.

self-fulfilling prophesy.

Answer 12

And another question...if a birthmother is a mother who put her own child up for adoption...what do they call the mothers whose children were removed by the state and put up for adoption?  They still gave birth to their child...they are still the mother...hmmmmmmm...

Answer 13

They use dear birthmother because the industry has implanted the idea that if they start calling them a "birthmother" now they'll begin considering themsleves a birthmother and have a higher chance of surrender than if they called them an "expecting mother." Which is...what they are, an expecting MOTHER, not just a vessel for giving birth.