Why do most people assume that all birth mothers don't want their baby?

Question

Why do most people assume that all birth mothers don't want their baby?

Answer 1

Because they are giving the child up for adoption and they choose to do that.

Do you mean, they just know their baby will have a better life?

If thats what you mean, i think most people know that they are doing the best thing for thierchild.

Answer 2

I've been told numerous times, this forum included, that my Mom didn't want me.

I found her this month and she tells me a different story.

I do wish people would stop telling adoptees they weren't wanted - it's not very nice and it's often untrue.

Answer 3

It's nice to see so many answers denying the assumption. And maybe that's just because many are connected to adoption in one way or another.

But there have been far too many comments in this forum about adoption providing a home "for unwanted babies (children)" to people who "can't have children"...therefore, adoption is the 'perfect solution'.  

It's a very damaging myth (damaging to an adoptee's self image, i.e.) that many seem unwilling to let go of. Or at least, stop repeating! I wish more people understood the responses that many have written here: that in most cases, moms relinquish because they feel they have no other option.  Either b/c of their age, or financial circumstances, or lack of family support....etc., etc.  

Yeah, I recognize that there are those few women who walk away.  But that's just not "normal" in my life experience.  More than likely THOSE women have far deeper problems (emotional or mental health issues).  

How can we, as a community, end the myth that mothers don't want their babies?  Any ideas?

Thanks for the question!

ETA: Of course, children in foster care do need & deserve loving, stable homes.  However, even in that situation, parents most often fight to keep their kids. Even "bad" parents fight to keep their children.

Answer 4

They don't or at least i don't!

Answer 5

Most?

I have never assumed that at all when it comes to adoptions.

I assumed that with **some** abortions--or with some of the horrible stories of babies being dumed in toilets or dumpsters...

I have assumed that when I have witnessed Mothers who up and leave one--two or three children one day... My former sister-in-law announced one day that she "Did Not Want to be a Mother Anymore" and left my brother with a 7-4 and 1 year old to raise on his own.... I still have not figured that woman out....

I have assumed that with **Some** moms I know who are acting out the role--but, clearly show they don't want to be a mother....or act the way a mother should.

I have frankly never thought that a birth mom chose adoption because she didn't Want her baby.... I have always assumed that there was way more then I understand that would lead a mother to make this choice....

Answer 6

I think they stereotype us into what they have been brought up as children, that any one who gave their baby away is awful. I wanted to keep my child.I grew up in the past 18yrs. to become a great mom.

Answer 7

Maybe because the people who assume that are very attached to their families and can't understand why anyone would give them up.  Most would feel that any other sacrifice would do before having to be separated from a child.  Not everyone knows the situations or the reasoning for having to give a child up for adoption.  So it could be ignorance for lack of a better word.  But I think adoption is a great thing, I would rather see that than babies abandoned or thrown in trash cans.  There are so many options now a days that it truly is enraging to see some women dispose of their defenseless infants as if they were just an object but I guess that's another topic huh?  So not all of us assume that birth mothers don't want their kids but I can see how difficult it can be to understand.

Answer 8

maost dont if they're in an adoption faciliy

Answer 9

I think most natural mothers may want to parent their children but feel as though they can't provide a good life for their child.

But, I'm sure there are also some natural mothers who simply do NOT want to be a full time parent and don't believe in abortion.

I'm not a natural mother, so these are my guesses.  I would never pass judgement on ANY natural parent- unless in cases where child abuse is proven.

Answer 10

I think it's only the Obamas that think this is "punishment" and their followers.

Answer 11

I think the the vast majority of people like to believe that bmoms don't want to keep their children.  That makes it easier to accept adoption.  What kind of society would we be if we allowed children to be coerced away from their parents?

Answer 12

I think most people assume that birthmoms want their kids but just can't handle the financial/emotional/societal pressure of having them at that time.

Answer 13

I do not assume this.  I believe everyone has a different situation and a different experience.

That being said, however, I do know that it was the case with my son's bio parents.  They chose not to parent and sought a family to adopt their child privately.  I do not think less of them for choosing adoption, nor do I "judge" them because they chose not to parent.  That was their choice.

Answer 14

I do not

I know people that gave their children up

Most did it out of love for the child, not they did not want the baby

I know people who adopted

Some in this country, some outside this country

Not one of them, did not think the that the birth mother did not love or want the child.

I knew someone that was raped, and gave her child up for adoption.  The couple that adopted, knew about how the child was conceived, and was willing to deal with it when the time comes

Anybody that think, that anyone that give the child up, is doing because it the easy way or they do not want the child is wrong

Answer 15

I dont assume that all birth mothers are like that, but i am not stupid enough to belive that every birth mother was tricked into signing adoption papers either.

My birth mother CHOSE to sign the adoption papers, well aware of what she was doing. No doubt that she had her fair share of heartbreak while doing this, but she wasnt druged, she was tricked and she wasnt pressured by her family.

Theres always a reason behind someones actions.

Answer 16

MOST people DO NOT assume that all birth mothers don't watn their baby.  It is a sad and unfortunate situation that a woman finds herself in and for reasons all HER OWN, decides that she cannot raise the child and makes the heart wrenching decision to relinquish it for adoption.

Answer 17

Because then it makes it easier to take them.

Answer 18

I have 3 cousins that were adopted and never once thought that their birth mother did not want them.   Their mothers made the very difficult decision of giving them up because they could not sufficiently provide for them.

Answer 19

Well, I know that my birth mother didn't want me at all!  In fact she tried to kill me from the moment she found out she was pregnant.  When I met her 22 years later on the phone and she told me she never wanted to be a mother. I told her point blank that she should have never had s*x.  I will never be like that w***e.  That is all she was, a 22 year old w***e who should have known better!!  If you don't want kids then don't have s*x it is that simple.  She was dumb enough to fall for the line " if you love me you will have s*x with me"  she didn't even have the willpower to wait until she was married. And she is ( or was not sure if she was kicked out of Church) Roman Catholic. Again I will never be like her!!  I am 100 better than her!   I was a 28 ( I am 35 now) year old virgin bride. And dam proud of it!   I was not going to just give my self out like a w***e!  I was only going to give my body to my husband. And I would never hate my kids like she hates me! It was my fault that I ruined her life!  It was my fault that she had to lie to her husband ( not my father).  Everything was my fault!!  

Jennifer

Adoptee

Birthplace: Sonoma, CA

Jan. 7, 1973

Answer 20

The only answer I can give here is in your question........When people "assume" something, they tend to NOT have all of the facts.  I cannot imagine that the majority of birth mothers "don't want to raise" their children. I think it is very unfortunate that they are in the positions that they are in when they make their adoption plan, however, being a  proud AP, I also feel very blessed that my daughter's birth mother chose us to raise her baby girl, now, our baby girl as well.

Answer 21

I don't think that birth mothers do not want their baby if they put it up for adoption.

I think most of them just cannot care for the child, and want their child to be able to have the best life possible. And they cannot give them that, and know it.

Answer 22

they do they just arent ready yet

Answer 23

Because most people don't like the thought of taking a baby from someone who does want it.  For some, it's much easier to think of the first mother as some heartless monster who doesn't love her own children than it is to deal with the reality of what adoption is and does.

Answer 24

most people dont.

Answer 25

I guess they aren't seeing the big picture, they are only seeing a mother who gives away her child.

Answer 26

not very many people assume that

if anything i feel sorry for most birth mothers only 3 that i know do i not feel sorry for

my friends ex wife who has a 3 year old girl and just gave up her baby boy that was  concived from a affaire while she was still married to my friend

another friend of mine who has 6 or 7 children that live with her mother that has placed multipal babies up for adoption i mean seriously two words birth control

and the birth mother of my cousin she had a boy child that was 4 i believe and gave up grace just hours after her birth and wanted nothing to do with her

other than those 3 people i feel sorry for any woman that has to give her baby away because she is too young or can't provide for the child or other reasons.

Answer 27

I have never made that assumption.  

My belief is that people who choose to place a child for adoption do so because they are unable or unwilling to be a parent.  This isn't about not "wanting the baby" but recognizing that the situation is such that parenting the child themselves is not the best option.

Answer 28

It makes it easier to discount them.

Answer 29

I've worked in adoptions for 25 years, and have met and talked with thousands of people about adoption.  I have rarely encountered people who think that birthmothers don't love and care about their babies.

Answer 30

I think the majority will agree that birth mothers wanted their baby, they just knew they couldn't give the baby everything they needed, whether it be for maturity reasons or lack of money to support a child.  If they didn't want their baby they probably would have had an abortion.