Why do non adopted people try to speak for adoptees?

Question

It seems a little absurd to me. People often seem to think that if they know someone who is adopted that they can speak as an adoptee, even when they themselves are not adopted.

This happens in real life an online. I don't really get it.

For example, I am not a man, but I know men and yet I would never dream of speaking from a man's perspective or answering a question asked specifically of a man.

Or it's like saying, I know what it's like to grow up in poverty because I read "The Grapes of Wrath."

What's up with this?

It happens all the time.

Answer 1

I'm not adopted, but I'm looking into adopting with my husband. I just wanted to say thanks, I read all of your answers. At this point I'm just trying to get a preview of what life holds for me, my husband and our children (adopted) in the future. I liked reading your answers because it made me see that I will probably be getting some "advice" from people who have not adopted, and that I should take their advice with caution. I will probably be posting a lot of questions on yahoo answers, and I hope that you all answer with as much information as you did this question!

I am very impressed and I know that I will not let people EVER tell my children that they are lucky that they were not aborted, or that they KNOW what they are feeling!

Merry Christmas! (or... Happy Holidays!)

Answer 2

Everyone has given some really great answers.  

I'd just like to add, that also perhaps a small part of it is that tendency to infantalize adoptees, to hold us in this image as forever children, unable to truly be able to speak for ourselves, so people feel compelled to speak on our behalf.

Just a thought.

Answer 3

Hasn't this question been done to death?

Answer 4

I don't know I think they are just trying to answer questions. Most are trying to be respectfully about it, but I think that just because you know someone that is adopted doesn't mean you can understand them. It's kinda like how some adoptees here that don't feel anger and resentment think that those adoptees that do feel anger and resentment are liars. It's almost like they are pushing their feelings on to others and vice a versa. So, it sometimes appears that those that know adoptees are pushing on us on how we should feel. Just because you know someone that is adopted doesn't mean you know how they feel. You can empathize with them, but until you walk a mile in their shoes you can't possibly know how we feel.

Answer 5

People always think that they can talk about anything just as long as they know ONE person who has to do with whatever subject.  There are people out there offering advice to parents who don't even have children!  Some people think that when someone brings up a race issue, that if they know someone of a particular race, then they can speak for their one friend that is that color and can sympathize about what they have endured due to their heritage.  It all seems silly.  There are just some things that some people can't even begin to understand until they themselves have experienced it first hand.  Its one thing for them to offer their opinion b/c they are behind holes, everyone has one.  But to offer advice is totally different.  They think in some ways that they understand and in SOME respects.... they might.  But you cannot totally get it until you have been there.  I hear what you are saying.  I think that their intentions are meant well.  Some just don't seem to understand that some questions are not meant for them to answer or maybe the asker is only directing the question to those who have been there.  Not those who wish or think that they understand...

Answer 6

What are you talking about?  I learned everything I know about adoption from my hairdresser telling me about her cousin...who is very happy.

Answer 7

It drives me nuts.

Great question.

Side note:

What most don't understand about adoptees - is that most will tell them what they WANT to hear. (most fear rejection - so they'll give you the answer that you want to hear - we're very clever like that - especially when we're young - and don't want to rock the boat!)

So unless I hear something from an adoptee personally - I don't believe a word of what is being told.

Answer 8

It happens with birth/first mothers too.  If I had a nickel for everytime I've read or hear someone say how they knew someone who placed their child for adoption, is just fine and has moved on...  =oP

Seriously though, it ticks me off when people do that especially on yahoo answers in the adoption category.

Answer 9

Great question.  I think that there are a lot of reasons.  For non-adopted people who have no experience with adoption, I think they are typical Americans who just love the idea of a child being "rescued" and think adoption is win/win/win (i.e., wunnderful).  Given their impression of the "wunnerfulness" of adoption, they are set back on their heels when they hear about adoptees who are not "grateful" for being adopted.

Then there are the people with an agenda. In my experience, they generally fall into 5 categories, 1) People who believe that adoption is THE answer to abortion, 2) Outraged taxpayers who rant about paying to support the children of "crack w***e tramps who can't keep their legs shut" (note that they never complain about "lazy *** worthless drunks who can't keep their zippers closed") 3) Adoptive parents want to deny that their children have or will have any feelings for their natural family, 4) Hopeful adoptive parents who want a baby at all costs,and 5) Natural parents who deal with losing their children by convincing themselves that their children are "better off" and that there are no effects of separation.

Oh yes, I forgot the most pernicious non-adopted people who speak for adoptees.  That would be the all-knowing adoption "professionals" who will have to get real jobs if their lucrative business dries up because their lies about the "win/win/win" of adoption are exposed to "birth" mothers and legislators.

Answer 10

Is it somehow like knowing a famous person if you know an adoptee? Are we so glamorous and mysterious that as long as you know one, you feel entittled to speak on behalf of an adoptee?

This is a quote from wiki, under the orphan catagory

"Orphaned characters are extremely common as literary protagonists, especially in children's and fantasy literature.[2] The lack of parents leaves the characters to pursue more interesting and adventurous lives, by freeing them from familial obligations and controls, and depriving them of more prosaic lives. It creates characters that are self-contained and introspective and who strive for affection"

I agree with what another said, about us tending to say what we know people want to hear....until very recently I'd NEVER have so blatantly expressed my feelings in real life. Likely I'd just be agreeable because it's easier than getting involved in a very personal and emotional topic.

Just because your neighbor's daughter adopted some kid or you know a hairdresser whose adopted step son is wonderful......don't presume you know anything of what's really going on with that adoptee.

Answer 11

Its one of the great mysteries of life.

Some people just feel like they have to have an opinion on everything- and not only that, they have to share that opinion. Its obnoxous, it drives me crazy, and its something I hope never to do (though I'm sure I have accidently about something or other).

Oh, and its kind of like if I were to give parenting advice to every parent I ever meet. Annoying? yeah.

Answer 12

A lot of people seem very invested in believing that adoption is 100% wonderful.  It's like you're trying to tell them that there is no Easter Bunny.  Yes, we all wish it were true!

I often malign social workers, but I gotta give them credit, Jospeh Goebbles has nothing on this bunch.  Truly propaganda machines.  Spinning around a formerly undesirable prospect--raising someone else's child, into a noble cause.

I also think people have a hard time beliveing that it's not perfect, because the problems cannot be SEEN.  We can SEE that black people may be treated differently because they're a different color than the majority.  We (the US) have finally realized that homosexuals don't make a CHOICE to be g*y, that it is innate, and there from birth.

But adoption is not genetic or biological--it's social.  You can't see it.  And it most deeply affects powerless people--women in a vunerable place without much power, and children who are completely helpless.  Mother and child were rendered mute by a powerful myth.

And when we do speak out, finally having enough courage and strength to attach words to feelings that were buried, often for decades we're told by non-adopted people we're angry or not grateful enough.

When people don't speak up for themselves, others will do it for them.

Answer 13

Hmmm...  I can't answer this question because I'm not a non-adopted person trying to speak for adoptees.  :)

But I will say that this is worrisome to me, too.  I have found several people who aren't adopted, but are very empathic about the things I go through.  But they respect me enough not to speak for me.  

I try to treat others the same way.

(And while I think liberals do this...  I also think conservatives...  and nonpolitical people do this too...)

Answer 14

The feeling they get when they think they are helping makes them feel better.

Answer 15

It DOES happen all the time. Especially in the whole abortion vs adoption myth, like allllllll these people speak for the "unborn" child and then tell us how "lucky" we are that we weren't aborted, ( abortion wasn't even an option for my mother, but i've been told to be grateful i wasn't aborted more times than I have fingers )

They have to hold onto the idea that its great, keep beliving the myth, want US to believe the myths so the whole glass industry can stay together...... its cracking though my friend. Indeed it is. it won't last for much longer. One little crack is all it takes, and its slowly spidering away.

a bit off track i know... sorry....

I really don't like it when non adopted people tell my adopted self how to feel.

Answer 16

I think the same way when someone talks about abortion and everyone on here that are against abortion calls that person a murderer and tells them to adopt because if they have an abortion then will be so depressed when in fact they have not even had an abortion themselves so tell me that.....

Some people think they know everything coming and going.

Answer 17

People always  view their opinons and believe everyone needs to agree with them.Ive noticed liberals are bad about this.(i have tons of those in my family both sides )so i am speaking from my view point and my family.lol

Im adopted and i can honestly say you dont know anything til youve walked in our shoes.

Answer 18

LOL..yeah.  i always amuses me.  I'm a bmom...an adoptee...i've also had an abortion....wow, I can cover just about all of it.  I'm a step parent and a regular old mom.  sheesh. no wonder I'm tired!!

Answer 19

Good question!  Could the answer have something to do with the fact that we are always and forever adopted "children"?  We adoptees never get to grow-up, mature, reach adulthood.  I doubt people (who pretend to know) realize how many people/families are directly affected by adoption and feel the need to fill in where they see a void.