Why do parents "assume" that childless people don't know anything about raising a child or what it takes?

Question

I realize that it takes experience to really know how to be a parent and raise a child. You learn and you realize your mistakes as the child grows and gets older. But it doesn't take a genius to know some of the basics about parenting. Some things are obvious - teach your child respect, how to act in public, how to act at home, how to read, write and spell, how to tie their shoes, etc. I have asked several questions, seriously looking for help on how to deal with my nine year old niece (husband's niece), and a couple of people on here seemed upset that I feel the way I do. She is horrible and does not know how to behave or respect adults. I do feel sorry for her to a certain extent, but what pisses me off is her family does not try to teach her how to act. They think it's cute and should be accepted because that's the way she is. Well, I don't have to be bothered with it. It's not my child. If they want her to act like a heathen then keep her at home.

Answer 1

The reason most parents assume you don't know anything is because before they had kids they thought they knew a lot (like you do) but after having kids, they realized that it was totally different.

You are right that children should learn to be respectful, but they cannot be expected to be little adults either-- they are kids...

I expect most of the parents you think you've offended laugh later and say: "just wait until she has kids!"

And perhaps you are right about everything and will prove them wrong, or you may be in for a big surprise!

Answer 2

Its easy to say things if you've not experienced the nightmare of the follow-through with your own child (or helping raise one). I'm sure there are childless people that know things about childcare just like their are parents that are clueless. That being said, I don't appreciate advice from someone that hasn't been there. You might think you understand, but I'm not sure you do. Not even being a daycare provider or a teacher compares to parenthood.

Answer 3

When you don't have children you might "know" how children should behave, but you don't know really how to get it to happen.  Your case seems to be an extreme and your niece seems to be able to do whatever she wants without consequence. You're right in that you don't have to deal with it.  Consider yourself lucky in that respect.

What bothers us parents about people that don't have children is how you judge us in public.  My daughter is very well behaved, but has had her moments in stores.  It could be that she was just burned out from a day of errands or she didn't feel well.  I had one instance where she kirked out and had a hysterical tantrum because I wouldn't let her have a box of candy.  There really wasn't anything I could do to get her to stop aside from abuse.  There was probably somebody just like you in there thinking I should "control my child".  This is where you will NEVER get it until you have a child of your own.

Answer 4

when your a parent you see it in a completely different view to before you had children, so even if you know a lot about kids chances are you dont know enough. ive known so much about children my whole life, even stuff you wouldnt expect someone to know unless they had children and ive shocked a lot of people with my knowledge. im now pregnant with my first and really comfortable that it will come naturally to me, although i know deep down when the baby is here its going to be so much different. when you are in the situation you can understand where they are coming from. as your niece is a 9 year old it could just be a phase, as my sister is 12 now and for years shes been a really horrible little girl and my parents dont do anything about it. youve tried talking to them and they wont listen, so when she gets moer out of control as a teenager they will wish they done more beforehand. but you dont need to worry about it, shes not your child or problem so leave it to them.

Answer 5

because having a baby makes you 'special'

Answer 6

It's the "wait til you have your own " attitude that people with children have.  It doesn't really matter who has kids and who doesn't because half the people who have kids don't deserve or know how to raise them and the other half who will most likely make great parents are unable to because of medical, etc.  As for your husband's niece, I agree if she can't behave and they are unwilling to "hometrain" her, then don't let her come over. Why should you be bothered, it may be out of love of your husband but he should understand how disrespectful children should not be tolerated.

Answer 7

They don't appreciate you giving advice because you haven't been there, therefore have no experience with it. You also have misconstrued views. You want children to act respectful, not touch anything, not run, no cartwheels, not to sit in on adult conversations, not to express their opinions, in other words to be seen and not heard. This is not a good parenting tactic either seeing as the child will never learn to question anything and grow up very naive. If you want to set clear boundaries or rules for YOUR house, please go right ahead that is your right. But don't suggest they change the way they parent in their own house with questions and suggestions on how they should raise THEIR child.

Answer 8

I know. I hae ben told that many trimes I just take it with a grain of salt because they dont know me and they dont have any idea of how i would be around kids. That is a big problom in todays world

Answer 9

I understand how you feel. Even after working in childcare, grade school, and being a nanny for 10+ years people still believe that if I don't have children I can't possible know. Truth is that I have probably taught, been a role model to, and even raised more children than I can even imagine. And in many cases even been a better "parent" to many children.

Frustration becomes overwhelming for many parents whose children are out of control, and when confronted by people without children "not knowing cause we haven't been there" becomes an excuse and even a vice.

You're right, it's not your child and not your problem. However, continuing to show support for the child and what's going on can help get your foot in the door when it comes to parenting advice. Politely offer suggestions, stories, or even articles to help the child...even offer your help. Not all parents know what's best, or even know how to take on the challenges they face and having an Aili or friend can not only help but in the end teach them.

Don't give up on the child, because the parents may have already done so. Take it all with a grain of salt and if in the end they are still not open to you make sure you tell them "i told you so" in 10 years.

Answer 10

I completely agree with you.  I also get very discouraged when I see a young child who clearly misbehaves constantly, disrespects adults, etc. and the parents do nothing.

I am a parent so I know that it can be tough but you've gotta do it.  But sorry to say, as an uncle, you probably can't do much other than show her that you disapprove of the behavior and possibly have a talk with your sibling about the child's behavior.  Say something like, 'I've noticed that Sally has been really hyper the last couple of times I've been over, is she always like this?'  or 'Do you like when she talks to you like that?'  And just see what they say.   Maybe they kind of know it is bad, just not how bad, and they will start making changes if you bring it up.

Good luck.  Remember to keep loving her, that is probably what she needs most of all.  Someone who won't give up on her!

Answer 11

"Why do parents "assume" that childless people don't know anything about raising a child or what it takes?"

It's not an assumption.  If you've never expierenced parenting then you don't know what it takes.  All you have to go on is listening to other people's expierence or reading about it.  Neither of which is first hand knowledge.  You have to walk a mile in these shoes to understand.

Answer 12

You've got a good point. Although i have two children I would never dismiss the advice from someone who doesn't have children just because they don't have children. It would be like saying.... I can't comment on  anything i haven't had hands-over experience with. Because there is no 'raising-children-handbook'  parents should be willing to listen to everyone's advice.

Answer 13

I hear ya.. I come from a large family (10 of us siblings). I am the only one that did not have children of my own. And have watched some of them with their children and even though they gave birth to that child.. they couldn't raise that child. Have seen lots of people who have had kids not know one thing about parenting. So giving birth does not necessarily give a person an automatic knowledge of "parenting."

Answer 14

Simply put, because every parent was at one time the childless person who thought they knew something about raising children. Only to find out that everything we thought we knew was bogus. Here's an old story that illustrates my point. There once was a pastor who had twelve rules about raising children. Then he got married and had a child, he then had 6 guidelines for raising children. After he had houseful, he was reduced to a handful of "suggestions" for raising kids.

I agree with you though, that your niece's parents are doing no one any favors by failing to teach their daughter respect.