Why do people assume adult adoptees?

Question

have not "gotten on" with life and lived it like other people?

we have stable marriages, kids, careers, cook dinner just like everyone else. but if we bring up issues like adoption loss, or unsealed records, we are accused of needing to "move on" or "get over it". why????

Answer 1

AMEN SISTER- this does not mean that all adoptees will have well adjusted lives- however, I know many biological children that don't have good lives either- I am adopted and I too have a stable marriage, 2 adopted children myself, which if I was not well adjusted and happy about adoption, I would never have adopted-  And about unsealed records- granted some need to know where they came from- but as a Christian, I believe that I was in the family I was supposed to be in , God blessed me by giving me life- and I thank my birth mom every day.     This answer will not be very popular, because when we are happy the ones that are not happy take it as criticism-  I am sorry for those who have had a bad experience- but I will not deny my joy.

Answer 2

I don't think that, I know many people who were adopted as a child and found out and they still have their lives but most after having children did want to find their biological parents or atleast find out about them for family history reason and medical history reasons but they still move on with their lives.  I think that medical history and nationality information on adoption paperwork should always be open to the child and to the people adopting the child as this is important information in life and I understand why adoptees want to know that stuff.  I don't agree though with releasing names unless the biological parents approve it.

Answer 3

I don't really know why, and I do find it annoying. People can use strong rhetoric and have strong political views -- views that are informed by their experiences and feelings -- without it meaning that they are "wallowing in pain" or deep in the throes of some sort of awful suffering. And just because you acknowledge some pain in your life over some issue, it gets all blown out of proportion as if that is all you ever think about. But pain can exist right along with happiness and contentedness. Acknowledging your pain is what HELPS you to incorporate that part of your life with everything else. It is suppressing pain that can make your life go out of whack, not acknowledging it.

I think the reasons some people say these things are probably multifaceted. Part of it is probably just the regular Yahoo Answers format problem -- it tends to polarize opinions (not just on this subject). I think a lot of people say this sort of thing, consciously or not, to dismiss the ideas of adult adoptees -- if someone still needs to "get over" what they are facing, then that implies it isn't a real problem, and that if they are more mature they'd have already "moved on" -- so it obviously can't be that big a deal in the first place.

And I think that for some it may be that they have a hard time facing adoption pain it their own lives. Mostly I'm thinking of the pain felt by adoptive parents, and especially the pain adoptive parents feel over the pain their adopted "children" feel (even when those "children" are now adults). As a parent it is really hard to see your children hurting -- and if you as a parent sort of can be said to have caused that pain, by having adopted them? Oh, that is really hard to think about. So if you can dismiss the pain of adult adoptees -- or attribute it to bad parenting -- then that means that OUR kids won't have to feel that pain, because we are good and caring parents.

I agree with BGR that some of it might have to do with a general "infantalizing" of ADULT adoptees. Because adoptees were children when they were adopted, they seem to be thought of as perpetual children. And thus any emotional issues they might have can be attributed to their "immaturity."

And I also agree with In Cognito. So many people take it upon themselves to judge other's grief or just their feelings in general. Perhaps in certain world views "everything happens for a reason," but I can think of almost no situation when it would be helpful to tell that to someone who has experienced loss that it "happened for a reason," or that they need to "move on." Healing happens in its own time. Some wounds never heal completely -- there are always scars. Usually you don't notice your scars -- when the weather is right you feel them and you always know they are there -- but most of the time you live your life without dwelling on them.

Answer 4

It's your life, your choices.  You can't get over somethings, but you can learn to get past them.  Or you can dwel on them and let the negative define who you are.  No matter how you choose to live your life, you should not let other's opinions define you though.

Answer 5

well, if an adult adoptee needs a piece of paper to complete themselves, couldn't it be a sign of mental instability?  just like an aparent who needs a child to complete their lives, no?

could it be because on this board, some are so obsessed that they can not see the rationalization that adoption will, has and will continue to occur because some women choose not to parent their children?  and probably for good reason?  or would that be too difficult for an adult adoptee to handle -- knowing that their bmom chose to give them up vs. being coerced?

could it be the bittnerness that comes out in the words that you use against anyone that disagrees with you?

could it be similar to many who say that an adult adoptee who doesn't have an issue is in denial?  as though you are in our hearts and minds and can speak for others like me?

hmmmm, could it be one, many or all of the above?

Answer 6

To be fair though, the adoptees who cant see their record etc are accusing adoptees who are generally happy, to have something wrong with them! It works both ways. no one is saying that adoptees dont live normal lives, but not all adoptees have issues either. I am sorry that america cant give adoptees info that is thiers, but thats no ones fault but the governmnent.

Answer 7

Because once an adoptee, always a child.  We never can grow up and become independent, free-thinking adults in the eyes of society.  Our purpose in life was to fulfill a purpose...and when we step out of our role and start taking on a mission and purpose of our own, people are not comfortable with this and feel the need to put us back into our place...filling our original purpose, being the dutiful child.  

Tell an infertile PAP to move on, and you'd see holy hades being raised.  But it's just another piece of cheese on the adoptee sandwich for us; we hear it day in and day out.

Answer 8

Wow you are SO angry.  Your answers and questions are just one big ROAR.

Maybe you should be angry and no one should tell you to get over it.  You will get over it when you are ready!

But...Don't you agree this forum could be a positive thing for people dealing with adoption issues to get together and discuss.   If everyone is respectful and calms down a little?

Answer 9

My honest opinion is that there are people on here who genuinely wish to adopt a child/baby and when they hear such negative things from adult adoptees, they just cannot understand why...

Answer 10

Because at least on this forum, you're not talking just about feeling the loss of your birthfamily or even reforming some of the issues with adoption.  Your agenda seems to be to abolish adoption, project your bad feelings onto those of us with the audacity to be adoptive parents are all about baby selling, family disruptors and how we've ruined the lives of our children.  

I've got complete sympathy with you on the first stuff.  I can appreciate your losses as an adoptee and I work with my own children on those issues as well, that it is ok to grieve.  The unsealing of records, I can see both sides of the issue.  It's the adoptee's right to know vs the birthfamily's right to privacy.  An issue with no simple answer.

But come on!  Look at the questions you've posted in the last few minutes!  You have issues with your own adoption.  I get that.  We all get that.  You've been emphatically clear on this point.  But your obvious anger is being directed at adoptive parents who didn't do anything to you.  It's called projection.  Your negativity to the adoption community that doesn't immediately get behind you on the "YES!  ALL ADOPTION IS WRONG" bandwagon is eroding away all of the sympathy I might otherwise be feeling for you.  

Hopefully, this site is all about venting for you and you don't let your entire life revolve around the fact that you were adopted.  Hard life lesson.  We don't get to choose the cards we're dealt, but how we play them is entirely up to us.

Answer 11

I don't know it annoys me.  I never bring it up, but my family does all the time.  That doesn't mean I don't think about it, it just was something that I didn't have and will never have control over.

Answer 12

I think you have "gotten" on with life and lived it like others. I am a birth father and met my daughter 18 months ago. She just had to make the connection for a variety of reasons and I'm glad she did. We get along great. There is a void there and was there for me as well, which is why I always made it easy for her to find me. When she was ready, if she was ever ready was what I was advised. Let her find you first then take it from there. I'm really learning a lot here in this section. I read almost every question in this category to learn about everyone and everything. Good luck to all of us and always do what you want to do. Don't worry what others say. Who cares anyway, right? It's your life, not theirs.

Answer 13

I had a friend of mine crying on my sholder, wiching she could share her feelings with her husband. Her brother had dies exactly a month previous and she is raising her nephews. She cries everyday. Her hubby told her to get over it because it was already a month ago.

Some people think they can tell others how to feel, act or grieve. Some people just need to control others.

I had a loss 5.5 years ago and I'll never "get over it". Just do what you need to do to move in a healing way. With injury, there are scars. Scars don't go away, inside or out.