Why do people assume that all b-parents are horrible people?

Question

I know for my case that yes, my mother was a drug addict and that is why i was taken. However I do know of cases that the parents were underage and that was the reason the baby was given up for adoption. In this case I don't think it makes them horrible people, because they didn't do anything to harm the baby, they were just underage. Or in some cases the mothers' parents have made the mother give the baby up because they did not want the stigma of an unwed mother. In these cases i don't think these were horrible people. So why is the general picture always painted that all birth parents are these horrible, evil beings?

Answer 1

No clue. I don't really understand the way other people think, I tend to stay to myself and not even judge other people.

Answer 2

I do NOT think this of the first/natural/biological/birth mother of my daughter. IMHO it is mostly people who are not really involved in the adoption process who feel this way and this is probably fueled by Hollytrash.

Answer 3

...I've never heard of this before.

This is a generalization.

Answer 4

I never heard anyone say that and I have never heard anyone call them b-parents.

Answer 5

I understand where your coming from. Its really awful that it falls like that. Become an activist in your community.

Answer 6

what does b-parents stand for??! i hate these abbreviations

Answer 7

They shouldnt say that. I admire anyone who gives up their child at birth or later regardless of the circumstances. Good on them for giving a child a chance at life even if they couldnt provide it themselves. Most people are not bad, they just make bad decisions or wrong choices but this doesnt make them a bad person. People should mind their own business.

Answer 8

I don't know but it bugs me. My little brother is adopted and we always tell him that we're sure his parents were awesome people. He's an AIDS orphan so he never met them.

Answer 9

I am with you.  My son's b-parents were not "great" people due to the neglect and abuse, but in the same respect, they "knew" they did not want to be parents and chose an adoption plan for their child - which I give them credit for.  There are "some" b-parents who have issues, just as there are "some" adoptive parents who have issues or do not adopt for the right reasons.  That does not make them "All" bad.  I hate the generalizations that occur.

Not all b-parents are bad.  Not all adoptive parents are "infertile".  Not all adoptions are bad.  Some are.  We just need to understand and respect each other as each situation is different.

Answer 10

Because they need to sort them selves out and not get pregnant under age.

Answer 11

Not all people assume that much.  Just the judgmental ones.  In that case, chalk it up to ignorance.  Even worse, it could be that they're judgmental because they're just looking for a way to look down on another person to make themselves feel less worthless.  A lot of times there are stories and feelings that we don't know about that can change our perspectives.

Answer 12

I don't think that at ALL.

I'm so glad to hear of adoptions instead of the parents MURDERING the baby through abortions.

I see b-parents as responsible caring people.

Answer 13

I don't know where you get this idea.  Not on this board, for example.  People do tend, however, to either idealize birth parents and adoptive parents and adoptees -- as these totally virtuous, selfless victims.  Or, they are each totally misaligned as either misfits, manipulative or sub-human.  

Of course, none of this is true about any of these groups!  Certain individuals - yes.  Just as is the case about, let's say.... plumbers, or doctors.

People lump people in large sweeping categories when they lack the ability or desire to see people as individuals.  It's just plain easier for some people to lump others (races, sexual orientation, occupations, etc.) into a fixed idea, rather than taking the time to dig a little and get to know real people.  

So, yes, some ((ignorant)) people do portray some of the adoption triad as totally this or totally that.  But that just says volumes about them as people.  All groups are made up of individuals, with their own motivations, hearts and souls.  And unless we have gotten to know their motivation personally, their hearts first hand, and were allowed to look into their souls -- we just cannot really know anyone.

Answer 14

The "birth/biological"/natural/first parents who place their child for adoption are unable to parent for some reason or another.  Some are bad at parenting (not bad themselves), some are in bad situations (and don't want their child in the same), and some are the best most awesome unselfish people on the face of the earth...  most are mothers would do anything to give their children the world.

Answer 15

I'm not so sure being a drug addict makes a person "horrible".  Addiction is a terrible thing.  It takes hold of you and does not let go, and some people struggle with it until death, like my Dad.  He was not horrible, he did the best he could.

Answer 16

People don't assume that, the child may often struggle with those thoughts because being given up is hard to cope with but and intelligent individual knows that certain circumstance dictates that being given up may very well be the best option.

Answer 17

I don't know but it is wrong.  Here in Ireland lots of babies were given up for adoption in the last generation because of religious beliefs and the Catholic church thinking that illegitimate babies were shameful to the family.  Lots of women were forced to give their children up and have spent their lives regretting it.  Not all birth parents are bad people...

Answer 18

Maybe this is just my own thoughts, but not only do the generalization statements of being horrible for getting pregnant and relinquishing hurt, but the other side of the comments get me just as riled up.  I don't want to hear about what a wonderful selfless thing I did by relinquishing that others think I did.

I'm just tired of being put into someone else's box of why they think I did what I did.  I'm not just the selfish person who left my child with another family so that I could try and move on with my life like it didn't happen... And I'm not just the selfless person who chose a better life for my child than I could provide.  I'm both and neither.

Why is it so hard to see the plurality of emotion and intention when it comes to mothers like me?  Both statements of being selfish or being selfless hurt.  Neither are kind things to say.

eta- Nature Mommy, as of your edit only one person thumbs down your answer and that was me.  Your answer is absolutely doing exactly what you state it isn't.  It judges mothers like me as to our moral values in comparison to your own.  Additionally if that wasn't enough, you then had to come back to edit your answer to add that telling our children the truth to the reason they were adopted and how complicated our families, our society, the people directly influencing that choice and our own actions created the reasons why that child was relinquished for adoption and simplifying that answer into a falsehood lie of "it was the best choice" is ridiculous.  Our children deserve the truth of their existence and of their history.  Not some rose colored glasses version.  So yes, I thumbs down your answer.  Your box trying to define my actions is one of many that I rebell against.

Answer 19

I disagree with you.  I haven't found most people assuming birth parents were horrible people.

It could be that you're responding to people from your personal background.

cw

Answer 20

I don't assume all b-parents are horrible, evil people, are you referring to a particular answer/question?  I know most of the "regular" posters here don't assume this either.

I'm pretty sure that this is not the general feeling towards all birth parents by adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents  (not to say there aren't a few wing nuts out there).

Answer 21

Where did you get that assumption that all birth parents were bad.  Each situation has it's own merits. It must be one of the hardest and most unselfish things to do. To give your child up so it can have a better life than you could give it. I think birth parents deserve some loving thoughts.

Answer 22

well some reasons why birth parents are concern as bad parents is because how their child acts. I understand that some parents dont want to have their children because they are too young, but my honestly opinion you shouldnt be laying down in bed if you are not ready to accept the fact that there is a chance of getting pregnant. To be ready to have s*x mean you must be ready to get up out of your back and rasie the child. having a child out of marriage isnt all the horrible that people make it be to. But your right sometimes it is in the best of the child to be not with their birth parents because of drugs or anything like that. But if you are giving a child up because it is disabled now that is bs!!!! paintings are just sterotypiest thats all. There are some good paintings out there as well.

Answer 23

I know there are bad birth parents but I also know that it is an individual basis. I have known many foster kids who were eager to go home and others that never wanted to see their parents ever again.  It just depends.

Answer 24

I don't think that is the general picture.

Anyone with half a brain knows that sweeping generalisations are always a mistake.

Answer 25

I was not a drug addict, crack w***e or uneducated. I was young and let other people make my decisions for me, in the end, it was me who signed the papers so I take responsibility for what happened.

I consider myself her birthmom since I gave birth to her. She is my birthdaughter.

I punished myself for years and still do sometimes.

Answer 26

I think people don't understand that you can willingly give a child up because you feel its for the child's on good.  I think it is horrible and wrong. When it is being what a parent is, selfless.

Answer 27

no one thinks ALL b parents are horrible people

If people are talking about people being forced (by the state) to give up their children because they are unfit parents, then, that's who their talking about!! They're not talking about all birth parents, or the teenagers , or even the teenagers who's PARENTS make her give up her baby..

I don't see anyone trying to paint a picture of all birth parents as being horrible..

Even Surfnerd's question, as pot-stirring as it is,  was talking about people who's parental rights have been terminated by the state.. end of story..

Answer 28

I don't think that's the general picture of adoption at all!  That said, I think that parents who had parental rights severed and the children forcibly removed from custody by the state are in a different catagory than the underage mother placing her infant for adoption that you address.  

I think there's a need to make a distinction, IMHO.

Answer 29

I think we should use the term nmom nparents. it's not offensive. I learned that the word birthmother portrays natural mothers  as incubators which have been created by the adoption industry to emotionally detach natural family members.The profound relationship of mother and child does not end at birth.

Answer 30

That assumption is a surprise to me!   I've been told for the last few years that birth parents are all innocent victims of circumstance who were forced to give up their babies, and that we adoptive parents are greedy, child-stealing vultures who have no right to be bringing up someone else's child.

Obviously, both assumptions are untrue.   There are good and bad birth parents, and good and bad adoptive parents.  I know someone who was a married woman of 25 years old when she gave up her child for adoption.  The reason:  she did not want a baby to hamper her career.   She never looked back, never desired a reunion, and moved across the country to avoid any connections being made.

This, in my mind, is far worse than a drug addict placing her baby in a dumpster.   Drug addiction is a sickness, and that birthmom needs help.   Utter selfishness is not a disease, and that woman does not deserve a child.

Answer 31

I don't know--and wouldn't judge anyone personally....

All I do know is that No one could have convinced me to place any of my children unless it was my deep choice... They would have had to cut my arms off to take my child so no number of words or coercion would have worked on me...I would have crawled to the moon before unwillingly allowing a child of mine to be placed for adoption...

As for those taken by foster care it's the same deal. If the state came to my home today and ordered me to have my arms chopped off to keep my children I would walk to the doctor to have it done... If I had to run barefoot through hot coals I would before my children were taken...

I guess that is why some of Us cannot relate to ANY reason a mother would have children placed for adoption other then the fact that the mother chose this for her baby knowing her baby would be in a better situation.... But the idea that anyone can talk a person out of their child in 2008 does not compute with me....

In the past I don't believe this is the case.

So--some of us just see the actual fact that our child is in anyway Not our child to parent as kind of horrible... Doesn't even really matter why someone isn't parenting--some of us simply can't imagine this as anything less then horrible... Not even a judgement on the birthparents---some of us just believe that nothing short of Horrible would seperate us from our child--and some of us feel that way about our adopted child as well....