Why do people call the Birth mother and father's either drug addits or sperm donors?

Question

Ever time I read a answer it's almost always the mother is a drug addit or the father is a unknown sperm donor or no one talks about him.

Most of you adopted couples wouldn't have told this mother that's how you feel before you got her child. You should be glad she LET you raise there child.Who gives you the right to throw stones

I should hate my son's ex for what she did to him but she told the adoption social worker and the hospital and the couple who the father was and it was them that talked her into all the secrets. I don't like what she did but I'll never down grade her for given my grandson life.

Answer 1

Um, what about when the biological mother really IS a drug addict....  you forgot that one!  Often in these cases, it has nothing to do with the biological mother choosing anyone to raise her children as much as the state taking the children out of a dangerous situation or her just deciding she wanted anyone else who would to do it because she couldn't be bothered.  

I'm sorry, but I have a real problem trying to pretend that something that shaped a large chunk of my childhood didn't happen.  My brothers had BRAIN damage from what she did to them in the womb.  They will never be able to live on their own and there were all the imaginable struggles living in a home with two mentally handicapped siblings.

They aren't the only two either.  She did this to four other children before she finally cleaned up in her 7th pregnancy and was convinced (oh wait, should we say coerced) to get sterilized.  

Now, this isn't true of all mothers who place their children for adoption, but it is with more than a hanful.  I think that the adopted mothers who actually meet with PAP's are probably not that type.  Alot of people here, however, have adopted from foster care....  and when drug addiction is the truth, it's the truth.  I'm not going to act like this woman was a suffering angel when she mutilated the lives of six infants before they were ever born.  I hope she got her life straitened out one day, I really do.  I would try not to harbor any grudges if she tried finding my brothers, and really hope they can/would make peace with her.  However, i'm not going to call her a real "mom" until I have proof that she ever acted like one.  

As for the dads.  I'm sorry your son decided to procreate with a woman who was going to run off with his baby.  However, for every one of him, you hear about five of the opposite stories.  Women who told the men they were pregnant, who asked and begged them to stay, and if they wouldn't stay then at least stay around and be a father - but the men don't, they run away.  They don't answer the phone when their four-year-olds call them on the first number they've had to reach them at in two years.  They don't return calls even when that child leaves them messages crying "Daddy I want to talk to you".   It's hard to imagine that these men think of themselves as anything but sperm donors.  

No one here will ever say that fathers do not deserve to get notified.  If your son's child was taken by immoral and illegal adoption practices then that was wrong, and should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.  However, just because you have seen one type of adoption and your child is one type of father does not mean that's the same thing everyone else sees.

***EDIT***  There is ALOT more to being a parent than DNA.  Many other primates don't even have a concept of "father" because none of their males is ever really more than a friend to any of the young.  Once they do the deed, there is nothing to differentiate a child they are genetically linked to from any other baby in the troop.  Thus the only parents in those primate societies are mothers. The same is true of humans.  Genetic material does not make a parent - love does!  A mother who dies giving birth is still a mother because there was love.  A mother who relinquishes a loved child because she feels the child will stand a better chance elsewhere is also a mother because there was love.  A mother who adopts a child and loves it is a mother because of the love.  The same goes for fathers.  However, a "father" who literally does nothing more than deposit his sperm into a woman really isn't a father.  If he never looks back, never thinks about the child, that's not FATHER.  That is SPERM DONOR.  That is providing genetic material and nothing more.  This isn't anything derrogatory to the child created.  After all, there are kids out there created from sperm donors by means of a sperm bank.  It doesn't make the KID bad unless you go on to continue to say nasty things about the sperm donor.  Besides, the majority of the people I've heard use this term (actually, the first time I was exposed to it) wasn't by a mother complaining about the man she conceived with - it was out of the mouth of one of my friends.  I thought it was a really odd way of looking at it until I realized she honestly could care less.  She had her adoptive father, and after being rebuffed the one time she tried to contact the other man she decided he wasn't worthy of any respect from her....  What do you honestly expect her to call him other than that?  It was bad enough that he ran out on her to begin with, but to expect her to call him "Dad" after that would just be insulting.  I know - we should call them "Non-communicative Genetic Male Parent" and N-Gmp  (Prounounced n-gimp).

Answer 2

A family I know, the birth mother is called the "tummy mommy", but the birth father is a sperm donor, because that's all he had to do with the situation.

They have the greatest respect for "tummy mommy", and keep in touch with her, send her pictures, talk to her, etc.  

I think it depends on the situation.

Answer 3

it helps with the fantasy...

sort of like masturbation.

for instance, some fantasies might involve a young, s**y, slim and submissive woman who's down for anything, yet requires nothing in return...

all is great!  until one has to get up, wipe off his hands and deal with real women.  boy, what a drag!

analogy...

it helps when the "birthparents" were simply breeders or socially inept to raise kids.  after all very few  want to admit that some fparents are actually wonderful people, who are drug free...and could have effectively parented their children, if supported. (which are the majority of fparents...btw)

it makes the waters a bit murky...

Answer 4

My childrens' mother is a drug addict. She shoots drugs into her veins and sells her body to do this. This does not make her less of a person, it makes her hurt and in need of healing. As for "letting" me raise her child, are you trying to say that she CHOSE to be raised in foster care herself? To be abused? To get hooked on drugs by an abusive man? To let him hurt her children? To not be able to get off the drugs to keep her kids? Well, I don't think I will be "glad" for her pain that led me to adopt her children.

Saying that she is an addict is the truth. Saying that she is the mother of my kids is the truth. Would you prefer I tell I lie?

I forgot to add that I do NOT and will never refer to her as just and addict to our children, because she is so much more that.

Answer 5

I'm an adoptive mother.  I've never called my son's natural parents any bad names.

------------

Inde:  What are you talking about?  I believe you've got some things messed up in your head.  I'm not even going to respond to that...  because for the record:  You're quoting someone else.  Not me.

Answer 6

Well, some ARE drug addicts, and some ARE just sperm donors, just not typically.

The "People" who continue to say those things, have no idea. I think partly because some don't understand why someone would place a child for adoption if there wasn't some SERIOUS life issue like addiction. They don't see the adoptions that are done unnecessarily or can't comprehend why a healthy person would place a child.

Answer 7

Dear Sam,

I personally only address drug use as it relates to the question. I don't, in real life, discuss the nature of why my child was placed in foster care. I don't always think that it is meant as a derogatory statement....just an explanatory one.Because this forum is anonymous, I feel more at liberty to discuss my child's development and setbacks due to exposure in the womb. That in NO WAY is meant to be a slap at his mom. While she is not currently capable of caring for her children, I know she loves them and I know she wishes she could care for them. I have never referred to the father as a sperm donor. I don't know anything about him. What I do know is that these 2 people created this life that I love so dearly.

Answer 8

Ummm... Because she was and 36 years later she still is one?

I never thought of her that way growing up wondering about her.  It was never the picture in my head or my heart that she was out on drugs while my younger sister was carrying buckets of water from a trailer next door back to their's so she could boil it and bathe the younger two.  I never had any idea that I had younger sibs out there being raped and molested, beaten and left tied to a tree at 10 years old while I carried around some idillic vision of my mother like a unicorn out there somewhere in the world, around in my head.

...But she was and she still is and its why my bio-grandfather made her give me up.  She doesn't remember who my father is or else she's ashamed to admit it and my younger sister thinks she (sis not mom) knows (in the biblical sense and against her will) who it is and why our mother wont fess up or at least she remembers the face but not a name.

My adopted parents never said one bad word about my biological mother and I'm glad to have contact now and I will try not to pass any judgment but I do know the truth from my bio-siblings and things my mother does admit to.

So sometimes its just an ugly fact that maybe I'm not happy about but I'm still glad I know... and I'm thankful for my life.

Answer 9

Dear Sam,

I think a lot of people who do this, do it for one or more of the following reasons:

1.) IGNORANCE - lots of folks just don't know any better. People who believe stereotypes and stigmas or have a true lack of social graces.

2.) SUPERIORITY COMPLEX - there are some people who simply can't see other people as PEOPLE no matter what you do. Racists, classists, sexists, etc. also  behave this way. One can NEVER truly measure another person based on one or two issues or events.

3.) ANGER/JEALOUSY - some people are unable to focus their emotions in a healthy and constructive way. These people tend to project personal feelings into the issues of another person to either justify, validate or blame one another their own insecurities or shortcomings.

4.) FEAR - it is often easier to devalue or minimize one's fears by finding weakness or fault in that which one is afraid of. (This often goes hand-in-hand with number 2.) Issues which should raise compassion or pity in a "normal" situation are twisted and exploited as ammunition against that which we find frightening.

5.) HATRED - self-explanatory, although I don't think I'll ever "get it"

Answer 10

I don't know anything about my daughter's parents (China), however, I choose to believe, until I discover othwerwise, that they were good people that made the best decision they could. My daughter was left in a highly populated area where their risk of getting caught was very high, but they wanted their daughter found quickly. This tells me a lot about them. We speak very lovingly to our daughter about her mama and I do believe that has made a positive impact.

We are currently in the process of adopting from foster care and so far everthing we have been told about the children's parents is that they were drug addicts and the children have suffered because of it. You can't sweep addiction under the rug. If someone is an addict then they are an addict, but that does NOT mean that aparents should be speaking disparaginly about the first parents, if for nothing else than damaging their children's sense of worth and esteem. Many aparents are angry at what the first parent's addiction did to to their children and that is natural, but I don't think it is healthy for the children themselves to have to hear about it. Kids need love and acceptance... leave the fparents issues where they belong... with them.

I highly doubt that any aparent on here is saying negative things about fparents to their children. This is an anonymous place to vent without anyone getting hurt. Everyone needs to let it out sometimes.

Answer 11

I think that in many cases, people who do this fear the competition from the natural parents.  A lot of mom's come here asking if their new husband/boyfriend can adopt their child because the "sperm donor" is a jerk, or ran off, or has never been around, etc.  A FEW others are AP's (this doesn't seem to be the norm, although I could be missing it), and in those cases, I think it's the same thing.  They fear the competition.  What if the child loves the natural parent(s) more?  I must talk them down, act as though they are evil people, pretend that they don't count, be as mean about them as possible, so that MY child won't want to find them or like them, and certainly s/he won't LOVE them, much less more than ME.

I think most of the AP's who post here regularly are a lot more emotionally prepared for the future than that.  Most of them would love for their kids to find their natural parents, and I would think that at least a large portion are aware that they are good enough parents, and good enough people in general, that their kids aren't going to run for the hills the day they turn 18.  So, there's no need for competition.  Kids, and adults, have this really cool ability to love more than the people who raised them.

ETA:  Some folks also don't seem to understand that even if all the father EVER did was "donate sperm", he is still half of that child, and therefore, he is NOT just a "sperm donor".  It's disrespectful to call ANY father that, no matter how little he has to do with his child.  He is a part of every friggin' cell in that child's body, so NO, he is NOT a sperm donor!  (Any more than the mother is an "egg donor".)  Can you get any more disrespectful to that child?

Answer 12

1.It easier for them to think this so they can't justify their own behavior.

2. It helps them sleep better at night despite it hurting the a-child.

3.Their lack of comprehension/compassion that its a disease and not simply a choice.

Edit:

Randy always cracks me up: I don't have right to judge my a-childs mother but.......I think I have the "authority" to do it, so I will.  He fits into #3.

Whenever aka Googly aka Kristy aka many posters:

Reread your posts. Your the worst considering you bought a child blindly and never bothered to find your a-childs mother and made negative comments about "her decision?" despite not even knowing the "real facts" surrounding it.  I understand your decision to "never" find his mother but in a few years it won't be yours to make. The a-child will make it for you.

Answer 13

It's never a good idea to talk bad about the birth parents or aparents or any parents. My parents divorced when I was 16. My mom never said a bad word against my dad even though there was plenty to tell. It was not until I was 25 yrs old that I figured a lot out on my own and it was then that I knew how hard it was her to keep quiet and I had the utmost respect for her. At 17 I was pregnant and hid myself from the world. I lived the lie and kept the secret but I never said a bad word against my boyfriend who later became my husband. It was just as hard for him to give our daughter up as it was for me. It made us stronger people in the end. We have a son and even though my husband could have been a better father, I have never said a bad word against him. He was not just a sperm donor and I am not a druggie and never have been. It doesn't do anyone any good to bad mouth anyone.

Answer 14

I think part of it is the adoption lies agencies tell PAPs. If every claim about a drug addict fmom were true then why are there so few out there in reality? I'm not an addict, my fmom isn't an addict, my friend who relinquished isn't an addict, neither is my adad's ex who relinquished their child, my neighbour isn't smoking crack every night, the fmoms I know online aren't either... so much for that theory.

The other part is that it is just so much easier to rationalize adoption when the fparents have something wrong with them. If they are addicts, crazy, c**p parents or whatever then they had no right to raise their child. If you picture us as who we really are you have to step back and admit that we were, in fact, very capable of rearing our own children. That would make for some sh*tty times I am sure, having to come to grips with knowing that "she" or "he" might have been just as good at parenting as you are.

Answer 15

I'm sure not EVERY birth parent falls into those categories, but ALL the children my parents have fostered said their parent(s) abused drugs. Most have NO idea who their fathers are, except for the one set of kids who were adopted after the parents died in an accident.

Answer 16

Why?  Because they often are.  

My bio mother wasn't a drug addict (that I know of), but she hung out with a prostitute and "married" (common law) a felon/abuser.  My bio father WAS a sperm donor, never knew his name and was gone before I was ever even born.

My little brother & sister were also adopted by my adoptive parents, and their bio mother WAS, in fact, a drug addict.

So my answer to your question is: because an awful lot of the time it is true.

Answer 17

My mother became pregnant with me through an affair. I had contact with the man for 11 years and he is not worthy of being called anything other than sperm donor. The man who raised me (my mother's husband at the time) is my 'dad' in every sense of the word.

I would never call my daughter's parents any such names. I don't know them and never will (she was abandoned). I will not judge people I do not know.

Answer 18

I don't have any right to "throw stones" but I do have the ability to speak from authority on the issues my daughters bio mother was dealing with and facing.  She is 27 years old, has had 9 children that have all been seized by CPS and placed for adoption (some with family and some, like my daughter, outside  of the family).  She has entered rehab no less then 4 times and the longest she has stayed is 1.5 days.  She has entered a parenting education program twice now and never made it through the first day.  

She IS a drug addict, no doubt about it.  I thank God that I have never had to deal with an addiction and I know from my job that they are tough to deal with but that doesn't change the fact that an addict is what she is.  She's also an addict who didn't LET me raise her child.  She is an addict who missed scheduled visits and court dates, who showed up high to some of her visits and who, on one occasion, did something to my daughter that was considered an attempt to harm her.  She certainly is not LETTING me raise her child, she fought it every step of the way until she had no choice.

The only good thing with my daughters initial situation was that her father showed up regularly for the scheduled visits.  Even though he was the mothers drug supplier (by their own admission in court) and was an abusive spouse who was doing time in jail on weekends he was quite upfront with his feelings that he cared for the child but that he recognized that he was unable to care for her himself and that she would be much better off being adopted by another family who cared and who would take care of her properly.  

So you see, there is a reason why many of us comment that the bio parents were drug addicts or were somehow otherwise unfit to parent...because they were/are.  I make no apologies for calling things either the way I see it or the way I know it to be.  Furthermore, the fact that I choose to speak about the issues in a forum such as this in no way mean that I would speak in such terms to my daughter or in a way in which she could be exposed to it.

Edit

Independent, if you are going to quote me then please have the courtesy to do it correctly.  I equate "throwing stones" to speaking without direct knowledge or without facts.  The things I speak of are facts that I have direct knowledge of.  They have been proven by the bio mom's actions, inactions and in a family court.  I can't change her situation and I, thankfully, have never found myself in her situation but I won't enable her further by condoning her situation either.  I've stated already that addictions are a tough thing to deal with but that still doesn't justify bringing 9 children into this world by the time someone has reached her age.  They are all children that society must step up and care for because of her issues.  Like I say, I won't further enable her by making excuses for her conduct and lifestyle.  I would have emailed this to you personally but like many posters here you choose not to allow emails through your profile.

Answer 19

For some APs I think because that is the case in some, not all, foster adoptions.

For much of the general public not affected by adoption it is sadly a stereotype for both nmoms and nfathers..

In our case, and many more like ours, the nmom was NOT a drug addict, drinker, or even a smoker. She is a lovely girl who was a straight A student.

Now for the nfather.....He was a young teenage boy who cared about nothing but his car and was happy to sign his rights away. That was 11 years ago and now my daughter is wondering about him. She asks questions like "does he think about me?", or "do you think he'll ever try to find me?". It's just heartbreaking to me. I can only have my daughter discuss those questions with her nmom...that's something they can work out together because I don't have much to go on. So, right now at least....the nfather is nothing but a sperm donor. I really do hope that one day he grows up and understands the beautiful child he left behind.

So I guess what I'm saying is everyone's situation is different. I'm a little familiar with your son's situation and I wish my daughter's nfather had an ounce of desire to see his child.

ETA: To clarify....These are my own thoughts about my daughter's nfather and I would never talk badly about him to her.

ETA2: To the earth-mother...how rude. I have never been disrespectful to my child. It is so far, in her life, the REALITY. Of course I'm grateful that he gave her life and she OBVIOUSLY has his DNA but there's a good chance that he will never acknowledge her at all. This is the situation as it stands now and I would never say these things out loud to my child. I'm only revealing MY frustrated feelings about the subject.

When you actually do get some experience you might find that some of the realities of raising an adopted child are not always outlined in a book.