Why do people consider adoption as a 2nd choice? I think it's so beautiful....?

Question

and shouldn't be a "back up."

I was at a dinner party tonight & some of my parents friends were talking about how they were "finally" ready to consider adoption after yrs of fertility treatments. I didn't say anything, but I was kind of taken aback by that statement. I mean..why look at adoption as your plan B? I realize that it must be a lovely experience to get pregnant & create a life & all, but I think it's so beautiful to search through the world to find your baby to adopt. I'm already absolutely certain that's what I'll do. Even before I ever heard of Angelina Jolie my dream was to have a family just like hers.

I know my dad & his fiancee are wanting to have a baby, and I wonder if it would be ok for me to suggest adopting? Not necessarily in place of her getting pregnant, but in addition to? I'm 16, and she totally values my opinion, but I'm not sure if it's okay for me to suggest it? Is it too personal? Also, how old is too old for adopting? She's 32, but he's 45!

Answer 1

Well, I'll let others speak about the parents' perspective...

But from the child's perspective, it is second choice.  (Or third, or fourth, or probably dead last.)  First choice is staying with your parents.

Answer 2

You are very wise for your age :)

I think it would be alright to bring it up. But maybe not as a "you should do this" kind of conversation but more as a "what's your views on adoption". Conversation about this is never a bad thing. It opens doors to healthy discussions.. I also think if you aren't past the age of reproduction then you should be able to adopt them.

Good Luck & God Bless!

Answer 3

I think because to some it is the 2nd or last choice. Just like your parent’s friends who spent years on fertility treatments before “giving” up and decided to settle for an adopted child.   Then for others like yourself and even me, if able we hope to adopt regardless if we can have natural child(ren).  You could certainly mention it to your future step-mother, she will either tell you she might be interested or that she is not interested.  Someone else mentioned a good suggestion just bring it up see what they think , tell them you hope to one day adopt.

IMO its always best for anyone who adopts a child that is not the same race as them to live in a diverse area, as well as to educated themselves on the child’s birth-culture and teach that to the child as well as their honorary-culture.

I was also adopted and that was the 1st best option for me. If I had it to choice I would still choice my family over my birth-“family”. I also never felt like an outsider in my family despite them being white and me mixed raced. Heck even if I had stayed with my natural family I would not have been the same race as them, they’d either have been white had I stayed with BM or black had I ended up with BF.

Answer 4

Adoption really IS a second choice (sometimes even third) - for the child.  Many kids lose their natural families for no good reason - because some PAP (that's prospective adoptive parent) has more money, more "stuff", and can pay the outrageous fees asked for by the adoption agencies.  Poor people can be very good parents, and adoption is absolutely the "second best" option for any child who's natural family is still alive and capable of caring for them (this includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. if Mom and Dad aren't able).  Adoption is even a third choice for kids if they are of another race or look very different from their adoptive family.  It's tough for a kid to grow up a total outsider, which happens to adoptees anyway, but to look TOTALLY different, and sometimes to grow up looking totally different from EVERYONE around you...it's freakin' hard, man!  And really, really not worth it if there are any options to keep these kiddo's with their natural family, or at the very least, with people who look similar (again, that would be a second choice).  Add onto that international adoption, where kids lose their entire heritage, their customs, their culture, their ENTIRE racial history!!!  And in that case, adoption is even the FOURTH best option.  I mean, at this point, all you're doing is damaging the poor kid.

Make no mistake...adoption is damaging in itself (to the kids - the AP's make out like bandits).  It's ALWAYS second "best", and should ONLY be an option if it's absolutely necessary (which, in my opinion, means that the natural family is abusive or neglectful, and is UNABLE to care for the child - again, this would include grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.), AND the natural family should always have some form of contact with the child.  The adoptee's view is too often forgotten when people talk about how "wunnerful" adoption is.  It ain't sunshine and roses, honey, sorry to say.

In light of all this, I'd like to ask you to please reconsider your views on adoption as "beautiful", do some research into the adoptee's point of view (especially trans-racial adoption, since you talk about searching through the world to find "your" baby).

On the other hand, I do agree that adoption (if you're doing it for the RIGHT reasons) should not necessarily be a second choice.  If you're interested in giving a home to a child who TRULY needs one (i.e. one who was removed due to abuse or neglect, and who honestly does not have other options available), you should want to do that regardless if you can have biological children or not - in fact, it shouldn't be based on YOUR wants (i.e. your desire for a family, your desire to "save" a child, etc.), but instead, should be firmly rooted in what's BEST for the child (and with the understanding that it's NEVER "best" to be without one's own family, raised by strangers - it's ALWAYS second best, but sometimes necessary).

As far as the age...my only concern is that the AP's make sure they have a solid plan in place for their children if something should happen to them.  It's very selfish to adopt at any age and not have a backup plan for these children who already feel abandonment and loss acutely (because they've already experienced it, at a VERY young age).  It would be a crying shame to have their poor kids shoved back into the system, or worse, raised by people who don't understand adoption loss and the horrible ordeal the child has already gone through.

Thanks so much for asking this question.  I hope this helps to open up the world of adoption for you a bit.  I've sure learned a lot coming here, and I encourage you to keep coming back, read as much as you can, and hold off on your opinions until you've read a whole lot more.  Best of luck to you!

ETA:  Thanks for your reply!  My "interesting perspective" is based on listening to those who have lived it - adoptees.  Seriously, you'll hear a totally different side of adoption if you hear it from those who have lived it.  Step outside your comfort zone - learn about adoption from adoption blogs, browse through the Adult Adoptees Advocating For Change message board, read "The Primal Wound", "Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew", "Journey of the adopted self", and stick around here for awhile.  It's an education well worth the time and effort, especially if you're considering adopting.

And BTW, the kid wandering around near death in another country?  What that kid needs is for someone to make a donation so that he can stay in his own country, with his own people, with good food and fresh water, warm clothes, etc...not taken to a strange land, leaving behind all the kids who didn't get adopted to die in a ditch somewhere.  Imagine how many kids you could help with that $30,000 it costs to adopt a child from another country!!!  You've seen those commercials I'm sure where you can feed kids for pennies a day?  Imagine that much money going to one country...how many kids will get the chance to stay with their natural families, in their homeland, on that kind of money?  Now THAT would help those kids.  And best of all, it would help them without adding the extra trauma of losing everything they know.

Answer 5

Dear Skylark,

I agree with you that adoption CAN be a beautiful thing, however the reality is that much of adoption is not a beautiful thing. There is a great deal of complexity to it and every case is different. It is full of grief, pain and sadness for many and is often not at all the way it is usually portrayed in books and movies.

The perspective Gaia, Heather and Phil (and mine) are offering you are those of people who LIVE adoption and have spend an huge amount of time studying and thinking about it and everything it entails.

None of us are arguing that adoption is necessarily bad or that it is not noble to want to open your life to a needy child. We all want people to see adoption for what it is underneath the trappings of Disney movies and altruistic sounding adoption agency advertisements. Adoptive parenting is different than parenting a biological child and adoptees and it takes a TRULY SPECIAL PERSON to do it right and do it WELL. (Gaia, Freckle Face, Spyder, Sam, Doodle, Jennifer L.  and several others on this board who's name are escaping me at he moment, this is where you pat yourselves on the back from me.) Being a good adoptive parent is more than simply wishing to help a needy child. It is opening your heart and your mind to the needs of that child - even when it hurts your feelings. It is about putting those needs ahead of your own - even when it is hard to swallow your pride or having to share. It is about recognizing and encouraging the child as an individual and a PERSON and including that they have feelings and thoughts and questions you may not have answers for - no matter how much you love them. It is about educating yourself to a million possibilities and opening your mind to the point that it hurts sometimes and opening your heart to wide it might swallow you whole - even if it means you have to let go a little of what you think you knew. and could feel. It is about wanting your child to be happy and whole - even if it means admitting that they do not share your DNA. It is about love, honesty, comforting, pain - APs suffer too! (Even when they can have bio kids!), sorrow,questions, joy, grief, work, happiness and most of all sharing LIVES. (And even this description leaves out volumes!)

APs and FPs (along with their friends and families) are all effected by adoption and have to deal with emotions and feelings that are not easy or even always fair. Adoption IS beautiful when it is done right, but when it is done wrong (which is OFTEN) its effects are devastating.

I saw that you are a top contributor in books and authors so my guess is that you are a fellow bibleophile. As Gaia suggested, so will I, that you should read some more about adoption. Non-fiction. You will still see the beauty of adoption, but in a new light which shines, oh, so much more brightly!

Answer 6

For some people it is.

For us.......

We had our daughter naturaly and were unable to have another. We were okay with that ans I didn't even have a desire to be pregnant. I have always wanted to be a foster mom before I ever was ready to be a parent.

But when I found out about my now son, I was just open to just about anything. If there was a child that needed a home then I was open to providing.

I "could" have taken a chance and tried to get pregnant.

At the time when my son was born there was no other choice because if he were placed with us I wouldn't have looked to adopt another child or have a child. But I figured that I would be a foster mom some day.

Right now our lives are so busy, that I can't imagine more kids in my home, but I'm pretty sure foster parenting in in the cards for me.

Answer 7

Adoption is an extremely complex issue.

In most cases - it is a 2nd choice.

It's human nature to want to have a child that is biologically the same as you and your partner. That's just how human's are hard-wired.

My a-parents had two children - then weren't able to have more - so I was adopted.

No amount of words will take away that my reality remains - I was the next best/second choice.

Most only look at adoption from the point of the prospective adoptive parents - so happy to have a child.

But there is much pain for the first family - and the adoptee - who are split - when they really shouldn't be.

I believe in adoption only when it is absolutely necessary for the child.

I know too many adoptees and first mothers that hurt - daily - from being separated - when too often - that separation was not really needed.

These are some of my views -

http://chezblot.blogspot.com/2008/06/onl...

I wish your family all the best.

Answer 8

Hi Skylark,  your question reminded me a lot of how I use to think a long time ago.  For me adoption entered my thinking around 13 yrs old (maybe because I spent a long time before that wishing I was adopted, see even us bio kids have issues too).  

Back then I was so naive.  I really thought children who could be adopted were orphans (i.e. their parents had died and they had no other family to look after them).  I never knew you could adopt children that had living parents or imagined that you could take a newborn straight out of its mother's arms after birth.  

There was no internet back then, no books that I knew of and I was never exposed to anyone who was adopted, therefore I had no idea these other options existed.  All I knew was that I wanted biological children and adopt as well.

When my husband and I were ready to have children, we decided to go through the adoption process and try naturally to have children too and see what came first (you see, back then it took at least 2 years to go through the adoption process).  After six months of trying naturally, we decided to give up and concentrate on adoption even though there was nothing physically wrong with us.  For us, adoption was the best option really.  

I would not say adoption is a beautiful thing, you soon forget that idea especially after being in y/a. What is beautiful are my two children.  To me, they are the beautiful result out of the whole adoption experience.  And to the best of my knowledge, my son has no family, but my daughter has a mother who is not allowed to acknowledge her because she had an affair out of wedlock and her culture dictates that she will be shunned and lose her 3 remaining children if she even acknowledges that she had a child outside her marriage.

You see, adoption is not beautiful for my two children.  My son will have to live with the fact that he may never know where he came from and my daughter is an outcast from her own family.  I am hoping for her, their attitude will change in the future so she may have a relationship with them if she chooses to one day.

I also have an opinion on intercountry adoption.  I do not agree with a poster above that it is not necessarily a good thing to take a child from his/her home country.  I mean there are a lot of people from different cultures living away from their home countries by choice.  I'm one of them.  I know a child has no choice, but I do not think it is necessarily bad for them not to live in their home country, as long as they do not severe links with their home country.

I do think that only worldly people should adopt internationally.  By that, I mean people who have travelled overseas and have the means to travel overseas on a regular basis so they can take their children back to their home country at least every couple of years.  I think the only way your children will retain a link with their cultural background is to see the sights, smells and people of their home country.  That way they have a family that loves them and also get to go home on a regular basis.  

I do believe we should do what we can to help these underprivilege countries so they do not relinquish their children due to economic reasons, but I also cannot justify leaving them in orphanages just so they can stay in their own country.  I say that from experience because I have visited a few orphanages in third world countries.

That being said, I do not think adoption should be done out of charity or pity for homeless children. I think you should do it because you want to parent these children.  God, I would have 10 kids if I just wanted to take the kids out of the orphanages, but I know my limitations as a parent and two kids are about it.

As for some people treating adoption as a last resort.  I do feel that that is the case for some people.  My husband and I were quite taken aback when we attended a compulsory education session about adoption and found most of the people who wanted to adopt had spent many years on fertility treatment.  There were people in tears when they spoke about their infertility and I must say it made me very uncomfortable knowing that this was their "plan B" as you say.

Lastly, I don't think there is any harm in suggesting to your dad and fiancee about considering adoption, they are adults and can make up their own mind.  I don't think they are too old, although your dad is getting up in the upper age limit for infant adoption in some countries.

Good luck, I wonder if you will realise your dream of adopting, just like I did.  But keep on researching and educating yourself, which I am doing now.

Answer 9

I don't know but it's true that more often than not, we here "we can't have children of our own, so we turned to adoption"

Like adoptees are the booby/consolation prize and second best.

However, I don't feel it's beautiful to grow up in the dark not knowing who you are or where you come from.  Or asking for your birth records and being treated with disdain.  Being told that your own birth is none of your business is far from beautiful.

Answer 10

Adoption is a great thing, but it is also VERY costly. And there is a lot of other emotional issues to deal with if the child is older then a few months.

Feel free to suggest it. Can't hurt.

And sad to say just because someone famous does it....you want to. Adoption is a great thing especially if you go for an older child, they need the love to.

I have considered adoption but the process isn't easy. And a lot of parents are turned down for wacked reasons. My friends wanted to adopt, cost wasn't the problem but that fact that they did not have a house was....the red tape is very thick.

Answer 11

I think that, for a lot of people, their first thought in having children is the thought of a biological child. For those in which infertility doesn't allow that, adoption is another way to grow their family.

That being said, I know some people who have always had a heart for adoption - and wanted to have both biological children and adopted children.

One of the neatest things I heard about adoption along our journey was that for those of us who were adopting after infertility - adopting was always GOD'S "Plan A" for us - that His plans are always perfect, so He doesn't need a "Plan B!"

Answer 12

Yeah, I thought it was so "beautiful" to lose my mother and family, and to grow up feeling loss and abandonment.

Really "beautiful" indeed.

Answer 13

I do agree with you. Adoption is a great thing.

I really would like to congratulate you for your noble thoughts.

By doing so you are not only full filling your dreams, you are filling dreams into an underprivileged life.

But, as you know every coin has two faces. When you are seeing one face the other face is invisible.

Its but human nature (by default all living beings) to have their own siblings. You cant imagine the satisfaction you get when you see your own baby playing in your hands. so, there is nothing wrong in thriving for their own baby. In case if they are looking for a second child then you can suggest for an adoption. That time your words might have more value with them.  

Finally, you are never too late to do an good deed.

Thanks I came across you.Good luck.

Answer 14

In some cases it is because people fear what their bond would be like with an adopted child.  Sometimes it is a matter of finances and thinking that they can't afford adoption.  I think adoption is a beautiful option and it was always the first option in my mind but not in my exhusbands.  I financially was never able to adopt plus i have been twice divorced now but I have my boys and I am happy to have children but believe me I still wish I could have given a loving home to a child that doesn't have one.  

As for the age factor, adoption is usually ok up to the 60's I think depending on the age of a child.  Most courts don't like to approve adoption of a newborn with a 60 year old but they might let them adopt an older child.  At 32 and 45 they would be fine to adopt.

Answer 15

It is so great to hear someone at such a young age stand up for something as wonderful as adoption.  I am adopted and when I got married , my husband and I decided to adopt - not because I could not have children, but because of the wonderful experience that I had as an adoptee.  There are so many children out there that need homes already- so if you have it in your heart to adopt one day, go for it- and also go ahead and suggest that to your dad and his fiancee- When I as adopted- this was almost 50 years ago, my dad was 50- I don't think it would be too much of a problem- Unfortunately there are people that have had bad experiences with adoption that is why it has become less of an option today- however people like you , will keep it alive-