Why do people expect you to change?

Question

I have never wanted children. A few years back my girlfriend and I had an accidental pregnancy (we were using protection). I begged for an abortion, but she refused. Now we are raising the child together and I am miserable. People always say "face up to your responsibilities", which I am doing. Buy why is she so upset that I can't paint on a smile and pretend to enjoy it? I don't, bottom line. Not wanting kids doesn't make you a bad person. Please don't preach, because I am there and doing what needs to be done, but I can't make myself like it.

Answer 1

I understand where your coming from, but just think this kid is yours even if you didn't and still don't it to be yours. But anyway you said no preaching. I guess in your wife's mind she cant come to terms with he fact that you don't want kids. She probably believes that everyone wants kids, most women tend to think that. Well good luck

Answer 2

It's human nature for people to think that once you have a child you'll change.  My boyfriend doesn't want kids either, and forever hears "once you hold that baby in your arms it'll all change."  

No, it won't.  If you truely didn't want it to happen, you can turn more towards resentment.  The only preaching I'll do is please don't let the child know it wasn't wanted.  Hard to grow up like that.

Answer 3

She's so upset because she sees you unhappy and wants you to see the beauty of your child. Sure, maybe it wasn't what the both of you expected, but after your child was born, your girlfriend fell in love with your baby.

She wants you to do the same, and look past your misery to see the gift that came out of your "accidental pregnancy".

She desperately wants you to be happy with your child.

Answer 4

She's hoping you'll be what she wants for your child.  It's not bad to not want kids, my last child was very unwanted, but God knows best and all we can do is do our best.  A fake smile is a lie and children are way smarter than we tend to give them credit for.  I say keep doing what you're doing and eventually you'll this child was placed in your care.  

Answer 5

Well, either leave, her and pay out child support and get on with your life, or work things out. If you feel the way you feel, you can still be a good provider for the child. As far as visitation rights , well that is up to you.  Get everything in writing and have a good lawyer.

The bottom line whether you choose to continue to live with her is up to you, however financially your responsible for that child and the government will make sure you do that.  

Answer 6

Expectations and Wants are two different things. She might not 'expect' that you'll change, but it would make her happy if you did. She wants you to be a different person, it isn't like you aren't meeting up to her expectations, you just aren't living up to her desires.

Either way it isn't your problem, it's hers and your childs.

Oh and if you were using protection I don't see a problem with asking for a paternity test.

Answer 7

well if you love her stick w/ her an the baby. if you haven't changed by now you will probably never change or only change a little in perspective to your child's birth.

if you don't love her, tell her and leave. pay her child support and go find someone you love who has the same views as you on having children.

you only have one life to live, make sure you're happy.

Answer 8

what is done is done.. If you truely never wanted children then you should have had a vasectomy - suggest you have one before you get her pregnant again.Not wanting kids does not make you a bad person

but please dont take out your resentment on you child now..try to remember this.. you are raising a human being with feelings just like you.. Please treat your child with respect,and try to show some level of affection and acceptance.Your Girlfriend was wrong to expect you to like what you never wanted and she knew it, but you were wrong to expect her to kill her unborn for you.If you dont like your position and truely cant stand it then leave.Pay child support and let her find someone else to raise this wonderful child. I am assuming you still have not married her  and have issues from your past that support your feelings of not wanting children.There is nothing wrong with that but   the child is here and will grow up to adulthood.You choose the life you live...you have CHOSEN  to stay with her so you will have to try a little harder..your child is a person not a object to be ignored like a book in the corner.  

Answer 9

Wow. I'm just going to agree. Please, please consider the child's feelings as well. You are responsible right now for how they may loose or keep their confidence or sanity. Keep the child well, for her/his sake.

Answer 10

Parenting isn't for everyone.  I never wanted to be a parent but now I have two kids.  Don't get me wrong - I love my kids but if I could do it over again, I'd have gotten my vasectomy when I turned 18 rather than waiting till 30.

All you can do is raise the child to the best of your ability.  It's going to be tough I know, and if your child is still a baby, the demands they make will make you wonder why you didn't just run away.  But there's a period when they're old enough to really interact with you and you'll look at them and just feel an incredible sense of amazement that this little creature loves you so absolutely.  It's what keeps you going through the bad stuff.

And then they'll hit puberty and you'll wish you were dead again.  :-D

Answer 11

People expect you to change because often, when a situation like this occurs, a person does change.  It is a life altering event.  Like you said, you don't have to like it, but it is what it is, so why not make the best of it?  She is upset because she wants your child to be happy, and children pick up on a lot more than what you realize.  Do you want your child growing up knowing you did not want her / him?  That can really mess up their head, you know...

Answer 12

Many people think they don't want kids and then when they have them they wouldn't change it for the world. You are obviously not that kind of person. Your girlfriend was hoping for the best case scenario which was that you would grow to love the child, again obviously not. However this is not the childs fault it didn't ask to be born. If you want to get out of the relationship and not continue the relationship with your child then that is your choice. However you can not choose to ignore your responsibility to the child without going to court and forfeiting you parental rights.