Why do people feel it is their right to tell me how I should feel about my adoption?

Question

Why do people feel it is their right to tell me I should be angry about being adopted. Why do people feel that I do not have the right to choose how I feel about it. Why is it that because I love my PARENTS and that I am not angry or upset that people feel my opinion does not matter as much theirs. Every time I post or answer a post because of how I view my own adoption I am thumbed down or people are rude to me..

Answer 1

The most devastating and damaging part of adoption is the disruption of the mother/child dyad - no matter how necessary.

Babies begin bonding in utero and when, at birth, that bonding continuum is broken, both mother and child are damaged - particularly the child, because it affects brain development.

You did not experience that EXTREMELY devastating and life-altering trauma, so frankly I wish you would quit with the cheerleading.

EDIT:  I have never told you how to feel about your adoption.  You have every right to choose how YOU feel about YOUR adoption experience.  

You speak from the experience of stepfather adoption - not full adoption where the child loses his/her mother.  And that is fine - if you stick to that.  You did not experience the most devastating loss a human being can experience.  You have no right to speak against the experiences of those of us who did experience that loss, yet that is what you seem to be doing here on Y!A??  (You had a good experience, so what is the matter with us, eh - we lost our mothers, that is what is the matter with us.)

Correct me if I am wrong...  please provide links.

Answer 2

I think there is a mis understanding on why people are thumbing you down. For me, its not because I don't like you or think you're "evil" because you're a happy adoptee-lite, I just don't agree with some of what you say. I'm stoked that adoption didn't make you feel the way it made ME feel. I'm also happy that you got to be raised by your mother. The bond between mother and child is the one that damages so many children when severed by adoption.

I get thumbed down alot and people are rude to me as well, try not to take it personal, and work on providing families what they need in .... was it russia? i can't remember, but I do believe you are the woman who emailed me about donations to help mothers and babies :) Thats great, we DO agree on one thing, at least.

Answer 3

Good question. I don't think anyone is telling you you should be angry and bitter about your adoption

I DO think there are loads of people here that tell adoptees who are in pain how they should be happy though!

There appears to be little empathy here for the adoptees who actually FEEL the loss of their natural families and FEEL the pain of closed adoption records, as I do.

I am not anti adoption and I adore my adoptive parents.  WHY then do I get labelled angry and bitter by people like you just because I'm not gushing with joy over my adoption and the losses that came with it?

We all have the right to define our own experiences

I am happy for you that you are happy.  Most of the folks who are upset at adoption are not miserable all the time; despite what people seem to think here in 'adoption is so wonderful' land

Answer 4

I think adoption is a wonderful thing. I think maybe people should not tell you how to feel or should it bother you. Your birth parents probably would have not been able to give you a loving home like your PARENTS did. Remember who raised you and who has been there for you and that should make you happy.

Answer 5

-Everyone is entitled to their 'feelings'.

-You are not 'adopted' in the way that most of us here have been.  You have your mama, and you have a step-father who adopted you, right?

-I'm glad it worked out for you.

-Most of us here, who express 'anger' have good reason.  We were given away by our mothers for various reasons; born out of wedlock (this used to be a big deal), mother is thought to not have enough resources (money, schooling, etc.) to properly raise us.

-We were then given to a MARRIED couple who have a better financial outlook, usually because they are infertile.

-Then (here's the crappiest part) we have to pretend we don't miss our mothers, our fathers, our families.  We have to work very hard to protect the feelings of adults who are often still sensitive because they can't have their own children.  We need to act grateful, because these people have 'helped' us even though we didn't ask for help.

-It's kinds like when you have to be fake.  Doncha hate that?  Now imagine if you had to be fake to someone you owed money to...and had no way to ever repay them.  And these people are more comfortable when you act less like yourself, and maybe more like them.  And then when strangers, who don't have to do anything like this, tell you that you should be grateful, well, it sucks.

-Now imagine doing that for 18 years.  That IS the adoption we're talking about in most cases.  It tends to make a person angry.

-We all envy you.  You got to grow up with your mother.

Answer 6

gosh people are stupid.  yay for adoption! your parents chose you even though you are not their own flesh and blood.  now THAT's a special kind of love!  I have two cousins who are adopted.  One was my cousin before she was adopted...kinda a parent swap since my aunt was 17 when she had her and my other aunt was 26 and married to a great man who cannot have his own offspring.  Their other child was adopted through an adoption agency.  So now they have provided a great home for two children whose parents were unable to properly care for them...and I have a really cute little mexican cousin!

Okay I think i have the right to tell you how to feel: be glad that you were CHOSEN by your parents!

Answer 7

you shouldnt listen to what others say. just be thank ful that your loved. every one has the right to feel the way they want. its the same as being pregnant , just casue others dont think a woman should have it , its not thier choice or place to speak

Answer 8

I think it is great that you had a good adoption experience - but it is YOUR experience - which is not a full adoption - seperated from your entire family - with no information ever given.

I am not saying that that is not a valid experience - all experiences are valid - and your voice is EXTREMELY important - especially when there are those that come here to talk about step-adoptions and the like. You are the absolute expert on that situation - and you should certainly weigh in on the absolute need for compassion for the knowledge and contact that ALL adoptees want and need with ALL of their extended family.

You lost a vital part of you - and d**n - you should speak up about that. People need to know how much that hurts.

And people need to also understand that most adoptees - of all kinds - DO LOVE THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS - (and in fact feel sorry for them that they didn't have the proper resources to fully nurture and care for an adoptee - as we can be pretty hard work at times - ya know?!) that is a complete different issue. Most of us just don't want secrets and lies and information withheld. Yes??

My opinion though - is for you to fully weigh in on what adoption means to an adoptee - that has or will lose EVERYTHING - from being completely separated from ALL family - without making it known that you are a step-parent adoption - is not a completely truthful thing.

Otherwise - the outcome will be - that those that want to believe that adoption has NO effect on children - will lap up your - 'my experience with adoption was all sunshine and roses'. (I'm not saying that is what you are saying exactly - but do you get what I mean?!?!) There are those that want to ignore the adoptee voice completely - all of us - unless they only hear what they WANT to hear.

By all means - if you give a comment - then say that you were adopted by your father - then that would clarify to others that you did get to stay with your mother - BUT your bio-father and his entire family were taken away from you.

There are so many kinds of adoption.

And I have never stated that all are wrong - and I certainly have not stated that anyones own perception of their adoption is wrong.

Please also know that I in no way wish to belittle your losses.

All losses are terribly painful - and in a fantasy world - we should not have to go through such painful things.

In most of the cases talked of here - those that are thinking of adoption can at least limit to what extent those loses effect their adoptee - by listening to ALL of us that feel those losses on a very deep level - that say open contact, legal open adoption, open records for all adoptee - is what needs to happen to help adoptees grow - with the least amount of heartache and pain.

I'm so sorry that your mother did not give you full and open contact and information with your other side of your family.

You missed out on so much - including knowing all your siblings from an early age.

That hurts - I know too well.

And yes - it is very frustrating when people just don't get that.

I too love my adoptive family.

But I also love my bio family too.

Because for all adoptees - no matter what the configuration type (sounds like makes and models of cars - hey?!) we all have incredible losses - that if people just could understand what that means to adoptees - more would make open adoptions - and open records - law and reality for all.

Poss. xx

Answer 9

Some ppl feel it's there duty to shed light on things. I'm a birth mom and my girl is an open adoption. I had alot of support but i couldnt believe some of the neg even coming from ppl who were my friends. I got sick of ppl telling me what to do and how to feel because it wasnt about me it was what was best for my daugther. They said oh i'd regreat it and they hurt her. Well it's been 11 months to the day and i still have no regrets. I gave 2 ppl what they wanted most in the world a child and i gave my girl the best parents i could find for her because that's what she deserved the very best. It was the hardest thing i ever had to do but it works even 2 of my frineds told me they were sorry and shoudnt have judge just from what happend to them. Dont make anyone let you think you should know what to feel or how to feel it. Your doing just fine sweetie kepp it up.

Answer 10

If you're happy... then that's all that matters.  These random strangers are just that... random strangers... what they think is insignificant.

Answer 11

Coming from a family of 2 adoptive brothers we are very open about their adoptions.  Although they will probably never meet their bio-mothers or fathers, since we have no information of them and they were adopted from Latvia, we are very grateful for those women who loved their sons enough to give them a chance at a better life.  To you I say be proud and stand by your feelings not only do you have parents who loved you so much  and have raised you without any question of you being theirs you had a birth mother or parents that new in the end that you deserved the world and provided you with that opportunity.

I hope I have not bothered you in any way or over stepped my grounds on this but I see and hear so many negatives about birth mothers giving up their children and how angry those children should be, but that is not the case to me.  I see it as being blessed and being able to give 2 people a gift they could not manage on their own without you.  You loved 2 people as your own and that is a gift in its self.

Answer 12

Those people are ignorant and do know anything other then their selfish selves. If they even adopted a pet (cat, dog, etc.) they should have some sort of understanding what it is to love someone or something that is not biologically theirs. People are adopted out of love to care for another and the unconditional love you give to your parents is a reflection of the hope to give you the life y ou deserve.

Answer 13

there is no problem about being adopted..

ur parents gave u in adoption for some reason which i dont know, but i know they did it because they loved u. I know they did it because they cared..

they could have said lets abort this child,, but they said u know what NO.. she is my child and i love her and thats why i will give her in adoption... u are very loved... dont let anyone pull u down

Answer 14

i am adoped to. i just ignore it.........., or vent to my friends.

:)

thats always the safest thing to do for me

Answer 15

Anytime you open yourself up to the public about your opinion, some people are going to be rude.  I applaud you for your feelings toward adoption.  I had a great family too.  I would not have chosen any different parents, if I could have.  I love my family.  

Unfortunately, not all adoptions go so perfectly, just like anything else.  They have their feelings and should also get the same respect, even though they may not give it in return.  

I dislike only one aspect of my adoption.  The "closed" part!  All else was a great experience.

Keep sharing your opinion regardless of the reactions.  You never know, your words may be just what someone else needs to hear.

KUDOS TO YOU.  KEEP DISCUSSING!

Answer 16

I am not sure who is telling you this.  I don't believe that people should tell other people how to feel.

Am I wrong in thinking you were a step-parent adoption?  That you didn't really lose your whole extended family, your mother, your name, your medical history and were slated in the band-aid child, we really wanted our own child but are settling for an adopted child role?

Maybe I have you confused with someone else.

I think finding contentment and acceptance with your own personal story is something everyone, adopted or otherwise would hope to achieve, if that is your experience then kudos to you.

It is a little bit immature to give the thumbing so much power though, who really cares?

Not me.

Answer 17

I get thumbed down when I talk about the negatives. When we state our opinions about something as controversial as this, we're bound to encounter those who disagree with us. I disagree with you, you disagree with me, the only important thing is that we all keep listening.

Answer 18

If you are happy about it, more power to you.

I was adopted by my mom's first husband, who is a different ethnicity than me. I am the child of a man she had an affair with, one that she regrets (one-night fling).

Throughout my childhood my mom treated me with contempt. As well, I didn't seem to resemble a person of mixed ethnicity, so this also brought a lot of race complexes.

When I was 23 (two years ago), my not-so-sober mom blurts out the truth about it all. I confronted my dad about it and submitted a $250 DNA kit to Vancouver. The numbers were so off that I could've submitted zebra DNA and got a better match.

Am I angry about it? Yes. Society to blame? 100%.

What I'm trying to say is that all situations differ, and they are making assumptions.

Answer 19

why should you be angry about being adopted.......if youve had a good adoption youve got every right to be happy.....the problem is alot of people dont understand whats its like to be adopted and they dont bother to learn about it....its the others opinion that dont count as if youve not been adopted you dont know how to feel.....i too am adopted and love my adopted parents very very much(they both passed away 4 years ago)i am grateful to them for giving me such a loving home,there are some people that have had bad adoptions but that dont mean all adoptions are the same,i too get alot of thumbs down when i answer a question on adoption and the reason we get thumbs down is because people are ignorant about adoption and dont understand about it and dont bother to learn about it,i glad that youve had a happy adoption.

Answer 20

everyone has an opionon and they are worth just what they cost you nothing. your feelings are yours and no body can tell you how to feel

Answer 21

You should hear all the stuff that I would get.  I have found that when I answer or question in other sections (other than adoption) I run into less people ready to chop my head off about my choice to adopt and advertise on the Internet.  I have also blocked the ones I really dont want to hear from.  I would be willing to listen to people if they would not be so rude and INSISTENT that their way is the only way.  

It is refreshing to hear about your positive outlook and experience about adoption.  I can only hope and pray my future child will feel the same.

Answer 22

If you are happy who cares what other people think.

just enjoy life and be happy