Why do people get so turned off about addicts?

Question

So I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic and I have decided to try to get back into the dating scene but it seems like I can't meet someone who is willing to accept the fact that I don't drink and party. Things will start off well until he mentions something like "lets go get a drink" or how about we meet at this bar - and I just have to say - well, I don't drink... then it turns into why and blah blah blah and then they stop talking to me. Its sucks because it makes me want to drink again. I guess I am just wondering why is it such a turn off for guys? Or is it? Am I just looking in the wrong places or people? Should I be more up front from the very beginning before I end up liking them?

Answer 1

Why not try to find a guy who doesn't drink? Then the temptation is never there, and he will understand. I have never had a drink in my life and neither has my husband. As far as them not wanting to date someone who is addicted to something, they may see it as you have no control or that you have "baggage". But they have to realize that all people have an addiction of some sort. For me it is eating. For some people it is being on the computer all day. For others it is exercising. If they are not more understanding, then move on. And keep up the good work.

Answer 2

Please do NOT let their ignorance make you want to drink again!  This is THEIR problem, NOT your's!  This is something that obviously, they are NOT strong enough to deal with, they are NOT mature enough to deal with!  NOT you!

I've noticed as I've gotten older, I'm in my mid 30's right now and I know that's not old, but it's older than when I was in my mid 20's how different it is and the maturity level is a LOT different.  NO ONE wants to go out and drink anymore or go to bars, and those that do are few and far between.  The men you are meeting that are not talking to you again are TOO immature if they are losing out on a great relationship with you if they are choosing alcohol over you!  Think about how powerless they are to the drink and do you really want someone like that?

They obvious can't handle not drinking and that's NOT someone you want in your life and if they're going to be like that, it's better off that you find out early on.  This is THEM though, NOT you!  I agree with Amy that you should tell them up-front and in the beginning, the strong, mature ones, the ones that are WORTH it, are going to stick around and be with you!  The ones that are jerks, there the ones that you don't need, those are the ones that will end up disrespecting you by drinking in front of you and doing what they want and you do NOT need someone in your life like that.

I can assure that even as someone who's not a recovering alcoholic, dating is no easier for me either.  I have a disability and it makes it harder for me to go out and meet men but even when I do, it's not easier for me either, but do NOT give the jerks the power to make you turn back to that poison!  Please!!!  DON'T let them do that to you!  You are SO much better than that!  Those guys just have growing up to do and you don't want someone that is still immature, you want someone that is mature and fun and strong and HE IS out there, but we just have to weed through these idiots first!!

Don't let these guys who are powerless over alcohol, who need a drink to be social, have the power over you!  You sound like a great girl and it's THEIR loss!  

I would try meeting people in a different way, I know this is going to sound cliche, but there is Church, and online dating, etc,  You can also volunteer and join some clubs or take a class, this way you can meet someone that's mature and of quality, without dealing with the bar scene.  Even joining a gym, going at the after work hours is like prime time there!   I bet if you start looking around those areas and being up front in the beginning, you'll weed out the jerks and there may be some more, there are way too many out there, so don't be discouraged, I'm weeding them out here too, but while we're weeding them out, we're getting closer to the good one, just keep remembering that!

Good luck and don't give any creep the power over you to make you feel like drinking!  When you get discouraged, just remind yourself he's just a weed that needed to be pulled to get to the good guy!

Answer 3

Find other recovering addicts who are also no longer drinking, that would relate with you.  Be specific with this.  Many people can handle a drink or two, but you are a recovering addict that will not take one drop of alcohol.  I understand this being imporant for you.  Two of my sisters are recovering alcoholics, and when we have family get togethers and I am hosting, there is absolutely no alcohol to be at our parties.  There are people who think like you and will respect this.  Be patient, but I'd start looking in the community of recovering additcs, like yourself.  :)

Answer 4

It sounds like you are looking in the wrong place for guys. Don't let that drive you back to your demons. It's not that addicts are a turn off- it's that those guys want to drink, and therefore they are not the right type of guy for you. You should definitely be up front from the very beginning about not drinking - it's an important part of your life and it would be a better situation for you if they didn't even suggest going out and getting a drink - since that's not an option.

Answer 5

Primarily I would say that people really like drinking (they work hard and think they deserve the time off drinking provides.)  They may view you as a threat, thinking they'd have to give it up to date you (which  you kind of imply by telling them you won't go with them to get a drink or to a bar).

I would also add that people like to feel in control.  It makes them nervous to be around a former addict who has a habit of losing control.

That's just being honest.  But I do konw there are a lot of other cool people in the world whose lives don't revolve around the drinking scene.  You can find them at bookstores, the mall, church, sporting events (softball leagues), etc.