Why do people hate birth mothers?

Question

I just recently read a question and i just saw all kinds of negativity lain into her because she was choosing adoption. I wanna know why i know some adoptions are not all that great some are very difficult but there are good ones out there to. I didnt get pregnant on purpose i was on birthcontrol and the father used a condum but i still got pregnant. He and i both knew we couldnt raise her the way we wanted to so we choose adoption. So why does everyone think we are selfish horrible people because we wanted to provide them with something we just couldnt to make sure they were fed clothed and above all loved well excuse me for trying to make sure my baby was ok. It saddens and discusts me how people can just lay into a birthmom about what a horrible mistake she's making and she should just get an abortion it's easier without knowing all the facts of the siuation and making it much more harder on the gurl. So i wanna know why what in all honest gives you the right to do that.

Answer 1

That really makes me sad! I wasn't aware people felt this way.

I am adopted and I feel great about it. I feel so special because I have 2 sets of parents who care! One that cared enough not to abort me and another pair who cared enough to take me in and raise me as their own!

My adoptive family isn't perfect. My mom and dad got divorced and that was rough but not for one second did I wish I wasn't placed with them. I look nothing like them but I don't care. I never have felt as if I don't belong. ( I just wish I had my mothers nice legs :D)

My birth mom was young and was living in a car when she became pregnant with me. You cant fit a crib in a car can you? Thank god I was adopted.

When I was 17 I looked up my birth mom because I was curious what she looked like and i wanted to know if I had any other brothers or sisters. Unfortunately she felt too guilty to have any more children.

Don't feel guilty! You did the right thing and chances are your daughter is happy where she is.

Answer 2

i want to congratulate you for giving you child up for adoption, you were responsable enough to find a good home for your baby and giving someone the chance to be a parent. I dont know why ppl is so negative about things like this.... personally im glad about your decision and good luck

Answer 3

Hi Dark Fire Angel,

I do not hate First Mothers.  I am all for women having choices.  I wish that more First Mothers had your experience but unfortunately i have heard way to often of adoptive parents who promise "open" adoptions.  After the adoptive parents have the baby, the AP's close the adoption.  I hate that but it is not illegal.

I want First Mothers to make informed decisions.  I want them to know all of their options.  I want First Mothers to know that there is financial help and support out there to help keep mothers and children together.  In short, i hope First parents know that adoption is not their only option.  If an adult such as yourself chooses adoption, and is not coerced in any way, and you are comfortable with they decision you made, then i support you.  Just know that many women are deceived, lied to, tricked, manipulated and yes forced to place their children for adoption, i will never support that.

Answer 4

I know that there are many on here who wish they had not been adopted.  But there are many as well who wish they had not been born to their bio parents, or who wish they had not been born with a disability, or who wish their parents had not divorced.  Wishing doesn't change a thing.   There is no guarantee that any child will have a perfect life, or a life free of struggle.  As mothers we don't have the ability to make our kids life perfect, we just make the very best decisions we can.  Sometimes these decisions work out great and sometimes they don't.  This is the challenge of mothering.  Those who somehow feel their lives would be better if they had not been adopted, how do they really know this?  And why are mothers always to blame?

I think adoption is a personal issue.  It is a choice I respect greatly.  I have not met my birth mother but I honor her choice, I appreciate her decision and the life she gave me.  I am glad I was adopted.  There are  special issues adoptees deal with but, for me, those issues are worth dealing with.

I don't think birth mothers are selfish and horrible at all. I think like all of us, they make the best decision they can at the time.  You made the decision you thought was best for your situation. Nobody knows what you were going through.  I really don't think anyone has the right to judge you at all.

Answer 5

You're hearing from a shrinking minority.  Many people have great respect for birth mothers and birth fathers, and more people are learning that adoption is a very good thing.  It's an ignorant society that thinks women aren't "taking responsibility" when they place their babies with another family.  I applaud birth mothers for giving their child a life that they can't provide.

Answer 6

I thank God for my son's birthmother!  I worry about her, I wish she'd get her life in a better situation, and I feel like we are kindred in a way.  We both love him so much, and I just wish she felt more comfortable at our home, so she'd come see him.  I do feel let down that she said she would, and then just doesn't.

When I was 22, my husband left me the day I found out I was pregnant.  For a very short while, I considered letting my son go for adoption, and I'm glad I didn't, however, I feel I understand some of their situations better for 2 reasons.  1:  I did consider it and 2: I also know what it is like to raise a child on my own.  It was hard, worthwhile, but very, very hard.

I wish I could meet another person who would let me adopt their child.  I'd love to have a sister or brother for my son!

Answer 7

I think a lot of the people who answer are older and not involved in an open adoption. Some of us are from the era of the closed adoption, living the lie and keeping the secrets so we know from experience that adoption is not as wonderful as the adoption agency told us it would be. When I give advice I am speaking from my heart. I have never felt hated on this forum.

Answer 8

people who feel that way do not understand the birth mothers situation. in my opinion, giving your child up in hopes for a better life, is the most selfless thing you could do as a mother. i know this wasn't an easy decision for you, but by making it you put your baby's needs first and isn't that what we are supposed to do as parents?

Answer 9

I don't hate first mothers.  

But I think you're being a bit naive.  While you may not have been able to raise your child the way you wanted, you have no guarantee that the child will be raised well by the people that adopted him or her.  Adoptive parents get divorced, lose their jobs, neglect their children, etc.  (No, not ALL APs.  I simply point out that it happens.)  There are no guarantees in life, and relinquishing a child doesn't guarantee him or her a good life.  

Many adoptees would have preferred to not be adopted.  You may be at peace with your decision, but that doesn't mean your child is happy about it.  

First mothers don't deserve abuse or ridicule.  But they should be encouraged to parent if at all possible.  The child wants his or her mother.

Answer 10

People can be very ignorant.  Adoption for most, is not something that can be understood.  So people says stupid things.  You are not a bad person, you are selfless.  You did the most difficult thing in the world to do, and you did it out of love.

Answer 11

I don't think you are selfish at all! I hope those people can grow up and see what you are doing is totally selfless!

Answer 12

I completely agree with snowwillow.  

Closed adoptions from the past left a lot of people bitter.  They still think things are the same way now.  

All us birth mothers and adoptees who had good experiences just have to make them known.

Answer 13

I refuse to judge anyone over the decision to place or parent. No doubt it wasn't an easy decision.

You'll get mixed emotions from everyone, sometime even from the same people. One day they are defending your (and other first moms) names and the next thy're telling someone considering placing what kind of horrible person they are.

There is WAY TOO MUCH going on in the lives of people that no one here even has a clue about, and to make a snap judgement is just childish.

Like Possum said..... most people who comment know NOTHING about adoption. Just put one of them in a life changing moment and see how they handle it.

Take care.

Answer 14

I didn't know there were people who hated birth mothers like that...I always thought that people, for the very reasons you state, who end up giving up their baby for adoption are actually selfless, loving people who are trying to do what is best for their baby. It's selfish, in a situation like yours, to keep a baby when you know you can't take care of it. And when you were doing everything in your power to avoid it and it still happened, how can anybody be mad unless they are just determined to be hateful?

I commend you for your brave decision--that had to be very hard. There is someone out there who thanks you who cannot have kids of their own who are prepared to care for them---awesome!

Answer 15

I had to give my child up for adoption as well. When I was 17 I was raped and instead of having an abortion I decided to give this child a chance (since I was still in high school and knew I couldn't take care of this child on my own) I gave her up for adoption. Some times thinking about her makes me sad but I knew I did the right thing. She is now 5 years old and has the most wonderful mom and dad. So just ignore everyone who says its a bad thing. It's what you knew what was best to do. I also don't think a lot of people even have the courage to do what you did. A lot of people keep their kids and end up regretting their decision and either harming or hating the child.

Answer 16

Phil is right.

It's extremely complex.

From the adoptee point of view (for many) - if at all possible - they would have preferred to have been able to live with the mother that they were born to - to live amoungst the people that shared the same genetic looks, traits and talents.

(in fact - many wish that they were just born to their adoptive parents - because then they would completely belong - as nature intended)

Instead - they most often have to live with a set of strangers - that share none of that - and it can sometimes make life hard growing up - trying to work out who they are - why they were given away - who do they look like - etc etc etc.

See these answers -

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Too often adoption is talked about by -

1. those that know NOTHING about adoption

2. those that profit greatly from the exchange of children - the adoption agencies and the lawyers

3. those that benefit next from adoption - the adoptive parents

4. and those that wish to give their children away - the first parents - that too often see only the present moment - not the years down the track when the adoptee has grown - and wants to know the who's, why's, how's of their life - and lost years can never be made up. (and too often they can't find out anything - because the government deems them unfit to ever read their own adoption files - ie - sealed records)

You need to hear more from those that have relinquished and those that have lived life as an adoptee.

(check the multitude of resolved questions in here)

Yes - a pregnant woman - with an unplanned pregnancy - is in a difficult situation - not knowing which way to head - it is a very hard place to be.

But you are making decisions that you - and the adoptee - will have to live with for the rest of each other's lives.

I know hundreds of first mothers that have said since relinquishing - I WISH I KNEW WHAT I KNOW NOW.

We're giving you the opportunity to know what it's like for some adoptees.

It's hard to be given away.

The reasons don't really matter.

(some of the reasons can make the pain a little less)

But - it still hurts.

And too often - adoptees just feel second best - because they were conceived and born at an inconvenient time.

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

Answer 17

I am one of those people who thinks you did a wonderful and selfless and courageous thing.  I am sure the family that adopted your child is forever grateful.  I wish there were more people who thought as you do.  There are way to many women struggling to raise babies alone, and doing a horrible job at it, because they were too selfish to give that child a chance.

Answer 18

People are negative because they have had a bad experierence, either they did not like their adoptive parents or had a bad reunion with their birth mom/dad.   They feel since they are angry, negative, or confused that the rest of the world should feel as they do and they project their negative energy out into the answers.  Everyone has a right to their emotions and thoughts.  This could be their way of working through their issues and thoughts.

As for birth mother's giving up their child I think that is a very unselfish act on her part.   If she knows she is not ready to be a mother or does not have the means to care for a child and she is mature enough to see this then that is a big step.  Most of the children I know that are in foster care started out as children of teenage mothers.

Answer 19

Im a birth mom and I wouldn't change my decision for anything. My child is in a better home then what I could provide for him. He gets to go all over the united states and take vacations all over. He will be 4 on Dec. 28th and in his short life he has been to the Jersey shore 3 times, DisneyLand, and other places. He lives in PA and his adoptive parents are the best people I have ever met. I keep in contact with them to this day and I think I made the best decision. I know he is being well took care of, he is loved unconditionally, he is very well fed, he has everything he could ever imagine and more. I think that some people are just to hard headed to believe that other people have different beliefs then they do and they automatically judge people for their choices. I think that adoption is a trillion times better then abortion, abortion is MURDER!!!! I understand that there are certain situations when a women would rather have an abortion BUT either way, in my book I would put my child up for adoption before anyone tried to kill my child. No matter what is wrong with that baby there is ALWAYS some one out in this world that would bend over backwards to make sure that child was well took care of. It just really upsets me when I hear people say negitive things about adoption. Im sorry if you had a bad exprience with being an adopted child or whatever but just because you had a bad experiance does not mean that every one else in this world will... Believe it or not there are some people in this world that will care for a child that might have downsyndrome, some type of cancer, or any other disability. Every baby needs love and caring and every child deserves the best life they can get. You might not agree with MY beliefs or opinions but you know what, I don't need you too. I believe what I believe and I have my own opinions and I dont need someone telling me how to feel or believe. I know my child is in a really good home and has a better life THROUGH adoption then what he could have here with me. I'll never regret putting him up for adoption one bit because he has been more places in his short 3 1/2 years of life then I have in my almost 25 years.

Answer 20

I dont know who your support group is but I think they are ignorant.  You as a birth mom are being so unselfish by thinking of what is best for your child.  I have a different view then some because I am on the other side of adoption.  We have had difficulty having our own biological children so we have turned to adoption.  We have adopted 1 little boy and are hoping to adopt again this summer.  With out the selfless act of birth moms we could not be parents.  You are selfless because you are putting this childs needs first.  YOu know it will be difficult to raise them alone, you know they will be better in a 2 parent home with a couple who long to have a baby. You know that abortion is not the best way to go.  To think of someone besides yourself is selfless, keeping the baby would be selfish and not fair to the baby. Handing that baby over to someone else will be the hardest thing you will ever do but it is the greatest gift you can give someone.  So my answer is that people are ignorant and they dont know all the facts of the situation.  Maybe it is them being selfish because they want you to keep the baby in their lives.  I dont know.  I dont know if this helped but in my world we love birth mothers.  The people around me have seen the pain I go through to get my family, my children and they love birth mothers too.  We are close to the birth mother of our son and she had an excellent support group.  People were very kind and supportive to her decision.  Good luck in you choices but know you are loved!