Why do people keep saying that adoptees lose something? Why are you all bashing adoption?

Question

Let me start by saying that I was adopted. I don't feel that I've lost anything. I've got wonderful parents who love me and would do anything for me. I was a desperately wanted child. I never think about my birth mother. My adoptive parents were perfect.

My parents were always very honest with me, I never didn't know that was adopted, it was a fact, not a huge part of our life as a family. I don't think I've lost anything at all, and I'll probably never go looking for my birth mother, unless some strange genetic thing comes up with my own children, I don't see the point. So my question is: Why bash adoption? Because you made a choice that you are having a hard time living with? I read somewhere on here that birth mothers should get to keep their babies to 8-10 weeks because we let puppies stay with their mothers that long. This is crazy, you and baby bond during the first days, that is why the child should be turned right over to the adoptive parents.

Answer 1

Honestly i have the up most respect for people who adopt children my best friend lost 2 children one to charge syndrome and the other to a rare blood disorder and she cannot have any children of her own however adoption is defiantly something she is looking into. Alot of the time people put their children up for adoption because they know that they are not fully capable of raising a child and they didnt believe in abortion as an option i think adoption is ALOT more respectful than abortion in most circumstances it gives the child a chance to have a life with people that will love and care for it like their own when circumstances like my friends arise it is a second chance for both the people that adopt the child and the child its self i dont see how there is any loss as both the child and adoptive parents gain something that can never be taken for granted and thats a family.

Answer 2

I was adopted too.  I got a nice home and was raised by loving, accepting, wonderful parents who love me for who I am and never expected me to "be like them."  I have still felt like a circus freak my entire life.  I did lose something:  my original identity, the knowlege of why I look they way I do and have a different sense of humor from anyone in my family, etc.  What I've lost is my own birth certificate, the one thing every US citizen is entitled to unless they're adopted.

I can accept that you don't feel angry; I hope you can accept that others simply feel differently than you do.  I'm not "bashing" adoption, but I have a right to be angry about it, and sometimes I am.

Answer 3

My son lost something when he was adopted like who he really is. I lost my son to adoption 7 years ago I was forced coerced and brainwashed into thinking it was the best thing well I certainly wasn't properly informed and because of it me and my son are both paying the price. I was supposed to have a completly open adoption well when my son was 6 months old they slammed it in my face no visits no phone calls nada. Now I get pics and letters through the agency but only when I beg for months and months on end. They have decided not to tell him hes adopted because they wanna pretend they gave birth and thats pretty sick if you ask me. If someone had just told me my options if someone had just been a bit more forthcoming with the truth like adoption is a permant solution to a temporary problem I would still have my son if someone would have offered me the help I offered to my friend (live with me and let me take care of you till you can do it yourself) I would still have my son. A baby should stay with they mother for a awhile so they can make a decide with out crazy hormones rushing around and without any agency adopters or social workers around to sway the desicion in anyway. Losing a child to adoption is a lifelong desicion that one can not take back and many many regret deeply. So you ask why do I bash adoption why do any of us bash adoption maybe its because we lost something so profound its all we can do to remind others not to make that same choice.

Answer 4

It's remarkable the spectrum of emotions that are expressed here. Adoption was created to allow a better future for children and women who might otherwise not have one at all. And, adoption is NOT just children who were relinquished at birth in a hospital by a young mother just not ready to handle the responsibility. Adoption includes children who lost their parents to a tragedy, children who live in foreign countries whose governments are unable or unwilling to care for them, children who were removed from unsafe/neglectful/abusive environments (created by the very people who were supposed to love and protect them the most) and on and on.

It's so sad to see people who were adopted who are angry or bitter. For the author of this question, your parents handled it right. With honesty and love and support. I have friends who CHOSE to adopt rather than have bio children (and no they aren't infertile). Adopted children are never second choice or settling - ridiculous to think otherwise.

Adoption is not WHO you are. It's simply part of your history. It should never be the qualifying descriptive for your life. If it is, then perhaps counseling is in order to help deal with emotional fallout.

And just as a side note, many children are adopted with their siblings and most of the time, NOT having biological contact is in the absolute best interest of the child. Just because the child doesn't have contact doesn't mean they don't have information. Plus, there are biological parents out there who don't want to be found or be contacted and that is their right.

Lastly, one thing I absolutely hate is when the media states "so and so's ADOPTED children" rather than just saying their children. If a parent goes around saying "this is my adopted son and this is my son" then maybe the parent should reconsider why they adopted at all. There should be no differentiation.

I'm so pleased that you have been raised with such love, confidence, honesty and security. You are a wonderful example of what a blessing adoption can be for all concerned.

All the best!

Answer 5

Its nice knowing I am not the only adoptee that does not feel like they have lost something.  My parents were always honest about my adoption, my mother always told me if I wanted to search for Biomother she would help me.

As hard as it may be for some to believe or accept   there are people where adoption is their first choice or they want to adopt after having a biochild(ren). Sure there are some couples where it is their 2nd choice but that is not the case for everyone. I know some couples who have chosen to adopt because they wanted too. A close friend of my brother’s family had 2 bio children and because they wanted to they adopt 2 siblings from Russia, and later adopted an American Bi-racial baby.

My parents already had biological children. I was a foster child that was only supposed to stay one weekend. They weren't even looking to adopt.  I didn’t lose my name, I had no name I was just Baby Girl [birthmother’s surname], when I was placed in my family as a foster child. They called me Precious for months  in till the Foster Care System insisted that they had to name me and so they did.

My birthgrandmother wouldn’t take me because I’m bi-racial, so I lost a racist grandmother and got one who loves me for me and doesn’t care that I am Bi-racial. To me that is not much of a loss, in fact it’s not a loss at all. It’s a gain: a family that fully accepts and loves me for who I am. Let me tell you mixed race people can have just as many issues and identity problems as adoptees. Imagine how it would have been for me to stay with birthmother and be around a grandmother that did not like me simple because I was Mixed raced, to see her favor birthmothers first daughter just because she was “100%” white. Being fully accepted by my family I have not had many issues over being a mixed race person.

Do I wish I had information on my ethnic heritage. Of course but I don’t need to track down Biological kin for that. When I can afford it I will be getting an Ancestral DNA test done.  Do I wish I  had medical information other then what has been document through my life? Again of course but I don’t have it and that’s just the way it is.  I do have a document that records my birth the date, time, who delivered me, how much I weighed, when birthmother went into labor, how long it lasted, etc. It’s in my adoption file.   I also know why I am who I am because this is the way God wanted me to be. All people question why they are here adopted or not.

Answer 6

I think adoption is a wonderful thing, especially when it can be done at birth, but that is not always the case.  If the child is older, as a lot of them are, they have to go through such a terrible ordeal most of the time.  They are traumatized by being taken away from their parents in some cases.  Then the whole foster parents, orphanage thing...I am sure those aren't always pleasant.

I am glad that you were adopted into a loving family that truly wanted you. You are blessed.  There are a lot however that do not have or get that experience.

Answer 7

You know it's rare to find a happy adopted adult.

Why bash adoption? I don't bash all adoptions. just the ones where people feel like they are hand picking a plum.

I was adopted. my first family due to whatever gave me up. my adoption was prearranged and i was taken from my mother 2 hours after i was born. everytime my name is said i am reminded that i'm adopted ( named after the 3 people that legally disowned me) i found out i was adopted when i was 12. the time in your life when your starting to learn who you are. to this day i don't know if i am the person i am because that's who i am or if i am the person that i am because it made them happy. I am black and korean and my whole family is white. when i found out i was adopted all of the stares that i use to get from other family members and all of the looks of your trash all of a sudden made sense so i tried even harder to make everyone happy. only problem was i ended up making myself even more miserable because then i knew i was losing my identity it wasn't a subconsious thing anymore it was a reality.

I have started looking for a theropist. unlike most children that get adopted now i have never in the 29 years i have been on this earth seen a theropist. yesterday due to her complete lack of resposibility for the parts she has played in my insanity she disowned me.

There is just something about an adoptive parent that says you aren't really part of my family and i don't owe you any loyalty and i have never gotten any. I got christmas eve, the day before thanksgiving, and the day before new years eve. the family along with her two daughters got the actual day of the holiday.

If people were screened the way they were supposed to be, if parents were forced to go to counciling and got help for their children and understood cultural differences then it might not be so bad. it's too late for me. so now i just have to go through my yearly cycles until someone can help undo the damage that they have caused.

I can't change who i am but i can try to change the way they handle the traiding of kids. for a long time i wondered if i was a black market baby. no one should have to live like that.

Answer 8

Its always nice to hear a good adoption story. Some adoptees were not so lucky and I pray for them. But biology does not necessarily make good parents. I know as I had a lousily father. But it is possible to become a good person despite your parents. Although it maybe easier with good parents

Answer 9

Any time you make a choice, you experience a loss. Let's say you go to dinner and you order the spaghetti and meatballs. Unless you have an athletes metabolism and can eat two meals, that spaghetti will be your only entree. The alternate menu item (maybe chicken parmesian) is what you lost by choosing the spaghetti. By chosing one thing you loss the ability to have and experience the other.

The same principle applies to adoption. If you chose an adoption plan for your child that child will have losses. The loss of being raised by his/her birthparents. The loss of potencial birth siblings. In the case of  international adoption, the loss of their birth culture. There are gains and losses regardless of whether the child realizes it or not.

If 16 yr old birthparents decide to keep a baby they are not prepared to raise that child too will experience losses. They loose the advantages that come with parents who are mature and out of high school and finacially in a better position. Parents who have jobs and can provide the educational toys and experiences to give the every advantage.

While most adopted children gain a great deal in the adoption, SOME children feel the losses more than others. Some children do not feel them at all and others feel them in their bones. Research shows that girls are more sensitive to those losses than boys but boys are not immune to the losses either.  

No matter what we as a human race experience losses on a daily basis. The problem with these losses is that the child is not making the choices that result in these losses.

I have an adopted daughter who right now at 4.5 years of age cannot imagine having any other woman as a mommy but me. I know this feeling will likely change but I hope it doesn't. She tells me every day multiple times a day "Mommy, I love you so much! More than anything in the whole wide world."  I pray every day that I can answer her questions about her adoption so that she does not feel the losses so deeply. I hope and pray she has as healthy an attitude about her adoption as you do.

I love adoption. I could not love my daughter more than I do. I would never bash adoption as I know many, many families that were formed through adoption but there are losses involved whether they are felt or not.

Answer 10

adoptees lose their identity

they lose the right to see their own birth certificates -- a right that everyone else takes for granted.

they get saddled with a false identity, a new name, a fake birth certificate that states the two people gave birth to them who maybe never gave birth to anyone, nevermind them.

and they lose their genealogy, their family history, their connection.

as infants, they lost the person they had bonded with for nine months and who had bonded with them.  newborns know their mothers voices, her heartbeat, her scent.  they can be traumatized by this huge loss.

and, a family out there has lost a beloved son or daughter, because unplanned does NOT mean unwanted or unloved. there is likely a mother out there who grieves unceasingly and thinks every day about her lost child.  we never stopped loving or missing our children.  and most of us wanted to keep them but were given no other options.

this is what my friend Anne, an adoptee, says about adoption:

"Being surrendered for adoption is not a gain in the least.  No amount of money, or a two parent family, nor anything can replace the real and natural mother for adoptees. Nothing can replace the heritage and connections with others in the natural family as well. They won't tell you this but I will - from day one we grieve and are sad to have lost our mothers and are not happy!  Not only are babies sad they are also afraid. We know our mothers, we grow inside their wombs. We hear the music of their hearts, we know their smell,  we trust and love them by nature. They are ours, our universe - all that we know, all that we feel, love and are attached to. Adoption takes our universe away. If someone took away all that you love and all that you know how would you feel?

"When we are born we only want one thing to be held and loved by our own mothers. We know them, they belong to us and us to them. To take that away is not good for babies it is the worst most abusive act emotionally to inflict. When adoptees lose their mothers they lose themselves as well.  They forever lose the person that they were born to be, and they lose the joy and right of being that person.

"Above all we lose trust from the very beginning of the separation. The loss of trust is not a temporary feeling that is lessened by being adopted. That is another famous lie promoted by baby brokers. It is forever and permanent just like adoption is.

"When the first lesson in life is that the one person you love and trust will go away it is hardly a good start for anyone.  Along with the broken trust is grief and sorrow.  This is not a lesson or anything that should be encouraged to inflict on helpless infants. Being severed from your mother and family is not anything that adoptees are happy about. The loss in adoption for adoptees can rarely ever be expressed or acknowledged.  There is a horrible expectation and false belief that the adopters and adoption will overcome any damage done to adoptees. This is another lie - it cannot undo our pain in losing our real families. In fact it makes the pain worse as it is so often denied to begin with. The truth is that we are traumatized from the separation and always will be.  The grief that we feel as infants is not ever acknowledged. This lack of support also breaks our trust. It also makes us untrusting of our own feelings when our first feelings are blatantly ignored.  It is normal for babies to be sad and in grief when they lose their mothers - what is NOT NORMAL IS ADOPTION to begin with. "

Answer 11

A couple of questions for you.

Why do you have to say that your adoptive parents were great?  Its no one's business.  So what you don't want to search, that is your choice.  You are still entitled to your choice.  I for one am going to see to it that you get your choice.  

Adoption laws are antiquated and hurtful to all living adoption.  Could you give a child up for adoption?  Think about it.  No you couldn't.  I couldn't.  Its from that base of understanding that I get where they are coming from them.  My adoptive parents were excellent with me.  In fact it was my own adoptive mother that pushed me into searching.  My own adoptive mother called up to the agency demanding that they give me my records.  If my own adoptive mother believes that I should have my heritage, why is it so hard for everyone else to see that.  Don't you want the very document that accurately records your birth?  Even if I never talk to my natural mother, I want that.  It records MY birth.  It records MY history.  It is about ME.  If my natural mother and my adoptive mother want me to have this, why can't you understand that?

Adoption then and now still denies all living adoption their choice and their rights.  The industry itself tells all of us including the adoptive parents,adoptees and natural parents that we can't handle our own lives.  That we are all to include you incompetent by the reason of adoption.  Even LC is incompetent.  

Adoption if done right is a good thing.  If it is truly an ethical adoption, then it is a good thing.  Too many times it is not an ethical thing.  More often than not.  I challenge you to read, learn and see outside the box.

Answer 12

Couple people on here that share sunny's maturity level and anger.  Just a handful but very LOUD!!!  ANyways, to answer your question. ..... Reading your "story" really made me think about again why I am doing this.  I should be just as lucky as your parents to be able to raise a well grounded, mature, happy individual.  Even if you decide to find your birthparents I am sure your adoptive parents would support you and probably help you (just a guess since you sound like you were raised with proper morals and TRUTH).  We are looking to adopt and I would love to know more about how parents approached the challenge of raising their adopted child.  Instead of reading the same old BS over and over and over again by the same people, it  can get a bit boring and wasteful.  I wanna hear more things similar to what you wrote.  You should get your parents on here to answer some questions from people who want to adopt a child with all the best intentions.  Best to you.  (just ignore that other c**p, really, it makes no sense and some of these people are pure evil............)  Here is an email that was sent to me in response to my webpage:

"Adopt-with-love is an infertile out to steal someone else's baby.  Why do you insist on going against nature by not accepting your infertility?  This was no 'mistake'.  You are a spiteful, unkind, and shallow woman.  Oh, and a terrible speller to boot.  I feel soooooo sorry for the child in your home.  I pray he finds his REAL mother someday!"

What upset me the most was my reaction back.  I let this person get to me and let them under my skin.  I regret the evil things I said back to them cause that is not how I like to be.  So I have figured how to ignore these people and their comments and questions.  

BTW, I am not infertile and I gave birth to my son 7 years ago.  SO they dont even really know what they are talking about.  Got to ignore their baiting questions and rude comments.

Answer 13

I adopted my daughter at 11 weeks old. She is the child of my heart. She is an adult now and she said when she was young she ocassionally wondered about her birth family.

Becoming a mother herself has made her realize that the birth mother has more love and an amazing careing for her baby that she choses to give her daughter a better life....by giving the baby for adoption to a good family who can't have children or want another child. It is the greatest love of all to be able to let go. And the adoptive family is blessed by adding this child to their lives. My daughter is now 27 years old- she is an amazing mother and she & I are best friends.

My daughter had a foster home for 11 weeks. They adored her. They gave her the love and attention that she needed. I wish I had her from day one, but it wasn't possible. Long story.

I agree that babies need to go right to the adopting family.

When I was young I was an OB nurse. I was often asked to work with women giving up a child, because I had an adopted daughter and I have given birth to two boys.

When ever I was working in the nursery I would give the babies who were going to be adopted extra love and attention. Some nurses were content to let the child be alone when all the others were out with mom. I held the babies, rocked them. Touched them, talked to them, sang to them.

They needed loving human touch. I fell in love with them. I felt they needed that human touch.

About being a loss......;lets change that to a double blessing. A new life and a loving family.

Answer 14

Locket - I'm glad that you are secure in what you have been given. Kudo's to your adoptive parents. Sadly - a lot of adoptive parents don't handle adoption so well - and adoptees can fall through the cracks.

I think some times adoptees are not so happy when -

* they're told how they should feel about even being adopted. (as if they are still children).

Telling an adoptee that they should be happy because they weren't aborted and trashed in the bin - isn't really a compassionate argument for anyone to even hint at - in my honest opinion. (I'm certainly not saying you have said this - just to clarify - but I and many other adoptees that I know are often made to feel that they should be grateful for just being alive.)

* they're told who they should show allegiance to (adoptive parent or biological parent - when really we should be allowed to love anyone that we chose - again other non-adopted adults are allowed this right - especially when their parents have not been honest, truthful or even manipulative or abusive to them)

* they're told how they should feel about not knowing their own biology and geneology. Unless you've lived without it - I don't think anyone has the right to tell you how to feel about this one. If, as an adoptee, you don't feel this as a loss - all good for you. But we should be allowed the right to have it - whether we choose to look into it or not.

I'm actually very happy when I know that adoptees have had a good and settled life - as the pain I hear from others that didn't - and the losses I myself have felt - well - I wouldn't wish for this kind of hurt on even my worst enemy.

For me - even though I was adopted at less than 14 days - I was quite different from my adoptive family - and as my adoptive parents already had two bio children before me - it was noticeable when I grew up - and I acted differently - had different interests - looked different etc. I love them dearly to this day - but I am much more aware of what I lived without as the years roll on.

I get together with my adoptive extended family - and I can really see the genetic links & similarities they all share. And since having my own 3 girls - who are all the spitting image of me - something I've never had. I have missed that - and for me that is a loss.

This loss, for me, has been made stronger since finding my sister - and realising how very alike we are (not just looks - but likes, dislikes and even mannerisms) - and the sadness of really knowing that it would have been great to grow in the same family together - as it should have been. (and yeah - we probably would have fought like crazy because we're too alike - but we just didn't get that chance) For now - we contend ourselves with being happy that we have each other in our lives from now - and see each other when we can.

We all have different stories about being adoptees. And ALL should be told. What I'm starting to see is that many adoptees do feel the same losses - even though we come from all over the world.

I just think that it's something that shouldn't be ignored out of hand - just because not all adoptees feel that way.

And I completely agree - not ALL adoptees do feel that way.

Also - for me - it took me many many years to stand up and say that I wish I hadn't been adopted - because for so many years I was told how I SHOULD feel about my own adoption - without allowing me to really know how I felt at all.

I guess I speak up because I have had an overwhelming response from other adoptees that have thanked me for voicing how I feel - as they have been unable to voice their same concerns out of confusion and fear.

Kids that have lost parents because of death are allowed to grieve the loss. Often in adoption, loss of parent is not even acknowledged - let alone grieving allowed. Just because I was relinquished at 7 days - and picked up by my adoptive parents at 14 days - doesn't mean that I didn't feel any 'loss'.

There is scientific proof of how infants brains are hard wired to their mothers during the 9 months of pregnancy. And if you have your own biological children you'll soon realise how your baby is comforted by your voice and smell alone. Thrusting a newborn into the hands of a complete stranger is what adoption is essentially for the infant. They just can't verbally say that they would really like to go back to their biological mother - thankyou very much!! They'll probably - instead - scream - especially when hunger signals arrive!

Sure - if it makes one feel better about their choices to just listen and read the happy stories - well - it's their choice.

I think that the more forward thinking and prepared the adoptive parent is - the greater chance that the adoptee will have a more secure upbringing - and perhaps - like you - there will be no - (or at least fewer) - losses for them to feel.

And just so you know - I have NEVER stated that I am anti-adoption - anywhere. (even if others delight in stating that I am - LOL!!)

If an adoption really does NEED to take place - then that's the way it should be.

I'm just out here saying - shouldn't we as a society try to allow children the least amount of losses in their lives - if at all possible??

My adoption didn't NEED to take place - this I now know.

I also know personally of many others that didn't need to take place.

If people don't ever speak up and say that they were duped - how will it ever stop?????

Thanks for writing your truth.

Answer 15

Are you saying I didn't lose my mother?  I have no right to grieve for her?!  

If someone lost their mother in childbirth, would they get more empathy than adoptees get?

I'm also very fond of my adoptive parents.  But I should still be allowed to grieve for my losses.

I'm glad for you that you don't feel the grief of your loss.  But don't bash those of us who feel it acutely

Answer 16

It is refreshing to see someone sharing the positive side of adoption.  And for that I thank you.  

Deciding to give up a baby is a very hard decision indeed, it takes a lot of thought, weighing up pros and cons, examining one's own motives and re-examining them over and over again for the rest of your life.

Like yourself, my son, and his sister (who is also an adoptee) had a good life, and both thanked me for choosing adoption, and they are both happy, well balanced kids.  His sister is still searching for her parents, but we have become friends, too.

Thanks again for your positive input.  Although everything turned out well with my son, reading some of the stuff that is posted on here loads me up with huge amounts of guilt, and your posting makes it just that little bit easier.

Answer 17

I've never known of anyone bashing adoption, usually people are completely for it and think it's a wonderful thing to do.

Answer 18

I agree with you not all adoptions are bad.  We adopted our son when he was 6 years old and we talk very openly about it and he was very much a part of every choice we made along the way.  He is now 13 and very happy and, is one great kid.  We couldn't be happier.....

Answer 19

LK, if you're not at all interested in adoption, and yours was 'perfect' then why are you here?  Are you threatened by others who do not feel as you do?

Some facts about every adoption/adoptee:

Parents 'desperately want' their own children.  Adopted children are second choices.

Adopted children lose their name, parents, possible siblings, extended family, connection to ethnicity, medical history, genetic mirroring, a life story.

Adoption isn't loved by everyone.  Some people had a bad experience, sure.  But plenty had decent or even happy adoptive homes but still have the desire to know answers to the deeper questions in life.  Why am I here?  How did I get here?  How did my ancestors live?  Who do I look like?  Why do I like (name an interest)?  Why am I who I am?!

Your adoptive parents just provided the software.  Your hardware is still an unknown entity.  Aren't you curious?  Parents are allowed to love more than one child, why can't adoptive kids explore their history?

If your parents are as 'perfect' as you say they are, they won't mind a bit!

Answer 20

I am an adoptive mother and I see adoption as being very positive. I hope that my daughter grows up with the feelings that you have about adoption and us as her adoptive parents.

But isn't there loss in all parts of the adoptive triangle? Adoptees lose the chance to grow up with their birth family/birth culture; relinquishing parents lose the opportunity to know the child that they have relinquished; the adoptive parents (in many cases) don't have the opportunity to parent a biological child.

While this might be true, the positive side of adoption, as far as I am concerned, far outweighs the loss. I have gained the opportunity to parent a bright little girl; the opportunity to learn something of another culture and become more open to new ideas and experiences than I would have previously.

I hope that my daughter gains so much from being adopted. She will have the opportunity to meet her birth family in the future, but in the meantime, she is able to grow up with opportunities she would never have had if she had stayed in her birth country.

I am glad to have read your experiences and to know that there are adoptees out there who are pro-adoption. God bless you and your parents.

Answer 21

well iwas adopted also and had a good life. but you know what the thought of what they looked like and how they sounded doesn't that make you wonder? i mean hey you could look like one of them or whatever. yes, the health issure is something you should know and it could help you later in life. but hey its not that you have to acknowledge them as your parents but you can at least see whom they are and still have reference on them. i couldn't call either one mom or dad they weren't to me but its nice to know. i know what they looked like and i know that i resembled my dad. my dad had dark hair till he died. its just that sorta stuff. so take care but try before they are gone sometimes its best to know instead of letting it go by and not trying anyhow take care.