Why do people make such a big deal over adoption?

Question

I'm adopted and when I really think about it, i feel like everyone else is different, because they all have there biological parents and i dont. We've dont projects in school about dna and stuff but i felt so excluded from everything, as if adoption is a bad thing. I KNOW IT ISNT! i feel so lucky to be adopted because otherwise i would of been an orphan. I love my parents(that i live with) more than the wrold but sometime i feel like i just dont belong here. as if the reason for my adoption was because my birth mother didnt have time for me?? didnt love me?? any other people (who are adopted) ever feel lthe same way?

Answer 1

It's very normal that you feel that way about being adopted. The biggest thing for you to remember is that you are special. Your parents got to chose a child to take home and love, and they chose you. There are many reasons why someone is put for adoption. Their birth parents couldn't support them, or they died or was really sick. Maybe they were too young. Sometimes being put up for adoption is the best thing that can happen to a child. When you go to an adoptive home, it is safe and stable.

Answer 2

The things you've mentioned sound very typical for a child who was adopted ot be wondering about and feeling. I don't know how old you are but, you really sound like you understand the whole thing but the rest of us don't really know how it feels. There is a book I really like called "Did My First Mother Love Me?" I read it to my children (2 of whom were adopted) and it is well written and the only one of its kind that I've seen; written from the perspective of the birthmother. You could benefit probably from being able to meet and talk with other kids who were adopted. Are there any support groups or agencies near you that might offer such a thing? If not, I'm sure that the place I know of here in Massachusetts would know of a place that you could contact. The place here is called "Center for Family Connectionc." It's in Cambridge, MA and the people there are excellent.

Answer 3

i don't see the big deal, if you are adopted, it don't matter to me, cause it don't make you any different from anyone else, i don't really see why others should complain about you being adopted, they should just mind there own business

Answer 4

i dont think it matters to anyone..only the person involved. its an emotional issue, becasue we carry that word 'adoption' in our hearts wherever we go, and just this thought makes us feel like we really are secluded. we're not different from other people, and think bout it this way, your (biological) parents do love you, but maybe they could'nt or didnt have the ability and means needed to give you a good upbringing... you know?? they loved you so much that they had to give you up so you can have a better life.... i've been shifted form house to house until i turned 6.... i still live with my one family now.... the younger you are, the more easier it is to grow up in a family that isnt your own.. i find myself joking about genes and stuff like that, eg: now i know where i got my brains and looks from... hahaha... it becomes a part of us. sure enough we feel like no one loves us and no one wanted us, but there is always two sides to a story. my mother had me when she was 15, she was on drugs, drank consistently, and our original family didnt want me and my two younger sisters because we were girls, hows that?? but she gave us up because she couldn even fight her dirty habits for her children.... so in a way, she gave us a better life, a glimpse of hope...and a brighter looking future... your parents gave you this freedom as well..... this family u r living with now, i bet they love you more than anything in the world. adopting a person who isnt one of your own can be the hardest thing for a couple. it sure aint easy, but they love you to bits and treat you as if you were their son, which technically speaking, you are..... you belong exactly where you are now. in a loving family and environment. things happen for a reason, and you were given a chance at life. so dont waste it pondering over lost thoughts, live it up.. you wont get another chance again. if you ever want to talk, just email me and i'll give you my number, ok??

Answer 5

Well, I have never been in your situation.  As far as DNA projects go, you can always trace your parents DNA lines and use that.  I don't know many teachers that wouldn't allow that part.  Don't feel too excluded hun, it's almost like the kids who have one parent and you can only trace one line which doesn't tell you jack about your other DNA attributes.

There are many reasons birth parents give up their children, lack of income and the inability to provide a stable home, drugs and alcohol dependencies, no family support, etc.  There are a million reasons out there why she could have given you up and I doubt it was a lack of love more along a lack of ability to provide you with what you needed in life.

If you didn't belong on this earth hun, you wouldn't be here.

Answer 6

I'm not adopted but I am a Social Worker who has worked in adoptions for over 20 years.  I have met and had the priveldge of working with and getting to know over 200 birthmothers.  I have been honored to have been a part of their lives at such an important time.  Many of the women were some of the most loving and generous people I have ever known.  And some of the most courageous mothers I have ver met.  

Why?  Because they were able to put aside their own very deep need for their child, in order to give a future to their child -- something they could not give them -- stability, two parents, a home, a good education, opportunities in life.  Absolutely they could give them love -- every amount of love they needed!  I saw that in their eyes, in their gentle touch, in their determination, in their profound grief.  But they rose above themselves to give to their child -- even though their family may have turned against them for it, or the birthfather may have left them for it, or their friends called them selfish for it.  But they knew best for their child.  If there was one thing (and there were many) I learned from many of these courageous mothers, it was that they knew best.   A mother's instincts of her child are huge.  And I just had to trust that decision.  No mother could make it lightly.  And if more people knew all the many deep and complicated reasons that she made this decision, almost everyone would support and admire her.  Your birthmother very likely wanted to parent you so badly that she ached.  But she wanted a good life for you even more.  Trust her.  Trust her decision.  She knew what was best for you, and gave you two adoring parents and a wonderful life.  That is real love.

Answer 7

It isn't a big deal! People are just ignorant. Don't let it bother you! Think about it this way...most parents don't get to choose they're kids,they have them and thats that. Your mom and dad CHOSE you! How awesome is that?? Out of any other kid they could have they want you and love you more than anything in the world. That's a very deep special love. They didnt have to adopt you but they love you so much they did! Let the people at school say something about that!

Answer 8

I have a stepdaughter who is adopted by my husband by his first wife... her mother is my husbands ex.  She has never met her real father.  She has asked me to explain to her the situation and I have to her the best I can.  She has only know her Dad as her Dad... she used to have issues because she is half african american and her adoptive dad isn't nor is her mother.  She is 10 now but when she was younger she was quite confused as to why she looked so different and her mother wouldn't explain it to her so I did.  I think it is a good thing for adoptive kids to know a little about their biological parents for medial reasons that is.  Parents can't keep their children for many reasons.  I just know that my stepdaughter gets frusterated when she has to explain to everyone why she doesn't look like the rest of her family because her situation is obvious.  We love her that is all that matters to us.

Answer 9

You see, purchasing a piano does not make anyone a pianist. Neither does having a baby make anyone a parent. Any pregnancy may be planned, but can also occur by chance, by neglect, simply by not using adequate protection. On the other hand, adoption is always wilful, deliberate.

Adoption is a big deal. It is the highest, most excellent example of planned parenthood and commitment. Think about it. Your parents wanted to have you so much that they went all over the place looking for you, and endured all that long, hideous, and painful legal process, simply to be able to have you, to love you, to raise you. It is a big deal indeed. It does not make you more or less. It simply shows your parents' greatness. You should be very, very proud of  them.

It is fine to feel different, because your parents are different. Why should it feel bad to have parents who are different, that is, greater than average parents?

Answer 10

I'm not adopted, but I am an adoptive mother.

I'm so sorry you feel this way.  Can you talk to your adoptive parents about your feelings...or maybe a counselor who has experience in adoption issues?

Check out http://www.tapestrybooks.com/categories.... and see if you find any books (either in this section or another) that speak to you about your situation.

Let me assure you that an adoption plan was made for you BECAUSE your birth mother loved you not because she didn't.  Most birth mothers choose adoption because they care deeply for the child and they know that the child will be raised in a loving environment with all the opportunities she wants for that child.

We've had to go to the schools to advocate for our daughters (adopted) when tough school assignments were given that might cause them pain.  So far the schools have been fantastic about either modifying assignments or giving alternative assignments that they can do.  They work hard to make sure the girls don't feel singled out in the classroom because they're adopted.

Maybe you can find an adoptive parent support group that you can convince your folks to go to...and this will give you an opportunity to network with other adopted kids so you'll have people around who truly and experientially understand what you're feeling & where you're coming from.  Check out your area (Google your area...state...city...whatever...and the term "adoption support group" to find one).  You might also contact some adoption agencies or the foster care system to see if they know of any adoption support groups...or groups of adopted kids that meet together.  I'm betting they can point you in the right direction.

I  hope this helps.  You sound like a fantastic kid!

God bless you!

Answer 11

Listen to me because I know from experience.  I was adopted at 3 months old in honduras by two Jewish parents from New York and New Jersey.  I came from a dark and desolate place.  My birth mother already had 4 kids and I would be the fifth.  She lived in a house which was essentially a hut with now electricity and a dirt floor.  Everyday she struggled to provide and decided she did not want to raise another child in this world.  She put me up for adoption and gave me a chance to do something with my life.  She committed one of the most unselfish deeds ever and I am forever thankful.  She loved me enough to put me up for adoption.  I am sure your birth mom did exactly the same think.  I am hispanic and a dark one at that.  I am now 20 years old and in college.  I look back at life and realize how much my parents have done for me.  It hasn't always been easy growing up especially being a jewish hispanic.  Kids were not necessarily cruel to me, but i felt every time they found out i was jewish, i felt like i had to explain myself.  In temple, I always felt out of place being the only colored one there and when i had my Bar Mitzvah, i dropped Sunday School because i felt everyone was looking at my weird.  In high school spanish, we had to draw a family tree and i was so ashamed of my family, i didn't even turn the project in because i didn't not want to tell my adoption story.  Looking back at it now, i was stupid.  Most people accept you for who you are, not what you look like or if your related to your parents or not.  As i am older, most people love my story and think i am unique.  My adoptive parents are my real parents and I would not have it any other way.  I am treated as if i am their biological kid.  I also get a kick out of being hispanic because people assume i only speak spanish or do manual labor.  When i show them i speak english well and go to school, they are shocked.  Its like they never realized hispanics were capable of anything.  If you need want to ask me some more questions feel free, i will check this periodically.

Answer 12

yea im adopted. and i feel the same way basically. its almost like i wish my mom wouldnt have been an alocholic cuz u feel different. like when ppl ask questions about if u look like ur mom or if cancer or something runs in ur family. and its like idk. cuz im adopted. and it just feels different. like we r different from everybody else. idk. i said that really bad. haha