Why do people put down potential adoptive parents with jabs such as "you'll never love them like your own",

Question

or "it's different when it's your flesh and blood". Who the h**l are they to say that a parent can't love thier child as much as someone else can just because they don't share genetic material. How dare they? l happen to think adoptive parents are very unselfish, and define the words 'unconditional love'.

Answer 1

My grandfather was adopted along with 7 other brothers and sister.  Some where sold and some were actually adopted legally.  They were all adopted out to different family and found each other way later in life.  They still are missing one.  My point is in situations like this the children were far better off with their adoptive parents.  My great grandmother loved my grandfather unconditionally.  These children are special and they are loved so very much.  No one can tell someone how they love someone else.  My grandfather was loved way more by his MOTHER than is egg donor.

Answer 2

Why do people even pay attention to such comments? Martine, why are you even letting this bother you?

Unless someone is an adoptive parent, they don't know anything about it, and such comments can be simply ignored with a comment like "Hmm, you don't know what you're talking about at all". Makes life more peaceful to not take things personally.

Answer 3

I have experience with being both "kinds" of parents and I know that I love all my children as much as I possibly could love anyone. But, i don't feel like it matters how much someone else thinks i love my kids. I don't see myself as unselfish for having adopted a child -- I did it very much for me, he just happened to be there!! And as far as unconditional love -- I'm not sure there really is such a thing but, I love my kids and the condition of having been pregnant or not has no bearing on it one way or the other. I think people are afraid of what they don't understand. Maybe jealous of what they don't understand. Maybe resentful that a person can love a baby that they didn't give birth to when they don't even see it as possible? I don't really care how much other prople think I can love my kids....

Answer 4

Because everyone is different and what they really mean is "they could never love the child like it was their own" and throw that restriction on everyone else. Those of us who have done it do love our children. Most of the time we do not even remember that they are adopted.

My daughter at three years of age start slamming doors when she was angry. My dad responded that "she gets it naturally" implying she gets it from me. He completely forgot that she was adopted even though she is of a different race. I have another friend who has a grown adopted daughter. They were discussing breast cancer running in their family on the mothers side. Suddenly the daughter said "Well, I think I am going to go in and have a mamogram if it runs in the family. Her mother agreed that it was a great idea. The father started laughing hysterically. They asked him what was so funny. He said "The two of you! She's adopted! She doesn't run the same risk!" They had just both forgotten she was adopted.

To adoptive families the children are their children and we don't look at them as adopted or not. Honestly, I look at my daughter and see my daughter. I know others look at her and see something different but to me she is just my daughter whom I love more than life itself.

People who do not think they can love a child as if it was a child that shared genetic make up are people who do not truely know how to love. They always love with conditions, in this case the condition is that the child share their DNA.

I feel sorry for them. They are missing out on SO much joy and happiness.

Answer 5

I think its ignorance, The people who say that are probably not the ones adopting. I can tell you from personal experience that they are all the same. I have 3, and 2 are adopted, There is no difference in the love they get or give back to you.

Answer 6

I have no kids, yet. I would like to eventually give birth to kids, and/or adopt kids. I really and truly believe that it wont matter to me....

but, there is a biological element, for mothers, at least. When you grow something in your own body, feed it from your body, when something depends totally on your for at least 9 months, maybe more, that is heavy stuff.

I, personally, think its silly to think you will love the child less. Children are beautiful, miraculous beings, and once you decide a child is yours, it becomes equally important.

I think some people don't believe that they could feel that sort of connection, so they don't want to believe others could either.

Answer 7

Because people are ignorant a$$holes who don't realize that adoptive parents ALWAYS want a child, "parents" don't always truly want the child they are carrying

Answer 8

Some people are entirely too self-absorbed and ignorant to really understand the meaning of true unconditional love, but let them be a******s in their own world.  

I totally agree w/you though.  If the world were made of more people like you, we'd be better off.  Take care.

Answer 9

This is such a sad situation!  It makes people like me who are adopted seem like they aren't loved by any set of parents.  This is pure ignorance because if someone wanted to adopt it certainly shows that they REALLY want a child.  An adopted child in a way becomes a person's flesh and blood child (if brought up in that manner) so it really is only about the outsiders that think negatively about adoption that are in the wrong.

Answer 10

No one has ever said that to me.  All of our friends and family know that we love our children no more and no less than if they were biologically ours.

Martine, I suspect that you are a troll.  Either that or you have terrible friends and perhaps need an informational class on adoption as well because your perception of adoption is not a positive one.

Answer 11

What kind of a.sshole would say something like that????  Adoption is a great choice made by people who are loving and caring.   My dad adopted my oldest brother (my mom's son by a previous marriage) and they were closer and loved each other as much as ANY parent and child could love.

Answer 12

I agree w/ you , I have a few friends who have had biological children & adopted ones they love & treat all the children the same

Answer 13

This simply comes down to ignorance. Most of these people who say that don’t have adopted children or/and don’t have any adopted family members.  So really they have no place to speak.  Most people who fear they couldn’t love a child that isn’t “theirs” 99.99% of the time if they got a baby/child they would realize how wrong they were.

Answer 14

Because they don't understand.  They have tunnel vision.  I would love to adopt a child.  We almost got to 5 years ago.  We knew a young mother who was fighting cancer and could not take care of her young children.  They lived with us as family.  We loved them just like they were our own children.  We still see them as our children.  To me, a child to love is a child to love no matter who the donor is.  Love isn't born from 'blood' it comes from the heart and soul.

Answer 15

l think the simple answer to your question is that adoption isn't for everyone.  l think there's probably a majority of people in the world who wouldn't love an adopted child the same as they would a biological child.  The way l see it, that's ok.  BUT, for those parents who can love a child

'unconditionally' as you put it, l say Amen to what you posted above!  lt is every parents right to have a family in the way of their own choosing, and nobody has the right to question them about that.  l myself have six children, three are biological, and three are fostered/adopted.  My children are

all blessings, and were all sent into my life to be our children by God (lMO).  l can say in all honesty that all of my children are loved equally, and they're all loved in the same way.  Just let anybody tell me l only love my 'flesh and blood' children!  Genetic material takes a very distinctive second place to heart and soul, and carrying a child in your body for 9 months pales into insignificance next to carrying a child in your heart forever.  Don't let anybody's negativity get you down, just be happy with your own family.  Good luck.

Answer 16

Some people just don't know until they are in that situation so naturally some people just never understand.  If they have a biological child they probably love that child and can't imagine loving "someone else's" child as much so they figure that no one else could either.   Thankfully those people will not seek out a child to adopt.

Answer 17

I have 3 bio children 1 adopted and adopting anouther this month Their is no diffrence!I love all my children.

Answer 18

The "stigma" as you say is one thing.........Ignorance.......comments from  people like this prove them to be very uneducated on the adoption option/process.  Until adoptive parents become advocates for adoption and begin speaking in the correct terminology, those who are not aware, will still make these rediculous comments.

The moment I saw my daughter, I felt a pain in my gut and began to cry big elephant tears. When I held her for the first time, it was as if I had known her before, and when she cuddled into my chest, the bond was there.  I would die for my daughter, biological or not. I love her with all of my heart, and rarely "think" of the fact that I did not carry her. It's only when strangers ask those idiotic questions, that it snaps me back.  The best way to answer those questions, is with another question like............"Why, do you ask?".................

The key here is education.

Answer 19

These negative people are extremely small minded and narrow minded.  They speak about something of which they know absolutely nothing. Don't let them get under your skin. I agree with you.....................adotive parents are the absolute meaning of unconditional love!

Answer 20

I think your desire to adopt a child is admirable.  The people that say things such as you have described are simply ignorant.  I have five sons of which one is not my biological offspring. He has been with me since he was 13 months old, and I feel he is very much a part of me, and I love him the same as the other four.  

You have every right to be angry at the ignorant remarks made by the people you describe.  Is there someone you can report them to.  After all, you wouldn't be trying to adopt if you didn't love children in the first place.  

Good luck on your adventure.

Answer 21

It really depends on the conversation you are having and the tone of voice.  It is different when it's your own and when adopting.  That is NOT saying you don't love the adopted child, it's just different.  I love my guys son to bits and pieces, but my own will be different because we shared the same body with a different type of connection.  That's the only difference.  I'd never love his son any less because I have one of my own.

Adoptive parents to me are awesome people.  My neighbor has two adopted children and in a few years will adopt a little girl...probably from Guatemala as the first one is, the second wasn't a planned adoption but they jumped when they were offered the chance.

Answer 22

Who says there is?

My experience in adoptions varies a lot.  But I have had a few adoptive parents call me all frantic and worried.  Why?  Because they realize that they like, or even love, their child through adoption more than their bio child!  Just an example of how varied this experience is.

I have not really run into the attitude you are talking about, except, interestingly enough, from some birthfamilies who are opposing their daughter's, nieces, son's decision to place a baby/child for adoption.

And then, I also hear it from uneducated teenagers who know -- not much about anything!

But as you can see from this site, there is SO MUCH support for adoption these days!  Maybe this is a very educated and very smart board?!!?!!!

Answer 23

People are rude and uneducated.  I have adopted in the last year and nobody would ever know I'm not her birthmother. She is mine and I love her as she is mine.  These people are scared, insecure humans.  I admit my hubby wondered if he could love "someone elses child".  After 5 minutes he understood what I was tellig him.  It is so easy to love them.  There is NOTHING that I wouldn't do for her.  Just an FYI....even though I did not carry her...."mommy instincts" kicked in in a few hours.

Just tell those people to grow up, and learn to love themselves.

Answer 24

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!  I cannot have children and my good friend told me "You'll never know what it's like to have REAL kids.  Having your own (biological) children is so much different."

First of all, I think there are so many children in this world who need a good home and parents who love them.  I think there is a reason some people can't have kids and it is to give all those needy children a chance at a loving home with loving parents.

Second of all, I think you CAN love adopted children as much as biological children.  What if you were in someone's will as next of kin to take their children if (heaven forbid) they died?  You wouldn't love those children as much as your own biological children?  BS!  If you are a loving, caring, nurturing person then it wouldn't matter to you.

P.S. I have chosen to remove the "friend" who said that to me from my life.  And for the record she is a shallow person and probably is not capable of loving other people's children as her own.

Answer 25

I think people who say this truly can't open their hearts to others.  They also have big mouths.

A friend of my grandmother's never liked her adopted grandson. She was not generally the nicest of people anyway.   While she was kind to him and never brought it up around her son and DIL, she would never shut up about it when she was over visiting.  Must have really stuck in her craw when her daughter decided not to have children, and he ended being her only grandchild.  

Don't worry about the naysayers.

Answer 26

It just the same as when people find out that you put a child up for adoption, everybody wants to think what ever they want, when i put my child up for adoption i was told that i was going to h**l and i should of killed my child and what kinda of person am i when, and how could i give a child up for adoption.. its just want people think

Answer 27

I am 100% with Smurfette on this one.  I am a foster mommy and I am sooo close to getting to adopt my little girl.  Before I actually got a kid I wondered if I would be able to love it as much as if it was my own and I am so happy to say that yes, I do.  She is my whole world.  I love her more than there are stars in the sky.  I would die for her.  Also, I HAD a friend who was VERY nasty to me on my very first Mothers Day because my kids werent "mine" and hers were biological.  I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that Flesh and blood mean NOTHING compared to Heart and Soul.  She told me that at the end of the day her kids belonged to her and came from her body and mine didnt.  Well, the same Almighty Lord who created her kids, created mine as well.  All she did was go through labor and I didnt.  Well, congratulations for dialating!!!  It is ignorant people who put bad stigmas on adoption.  As far as adoptive parents being unselfish, I would agree but everyone tells me my kids are so lucky to have me and I dont see it that way at all.  I am the one who is lucky to have them.  I am truely blessed to have them.  They complete ME.  Like I said, because I have no bio kids, I have been looked at very wrongly but I am rewarded every day by those kids.  I will never let the high and mighty cruel words of someone else stop me from doing God's work in the lives of these kids.  They are my life.  No one will ever change that for me.  And, I havent adopted yet and by the grace of God we will get to soon but I DO now know the meaning of unconditional love and I wouldnt trade those kids for any others biological or otherwise.  Hope this helps in some way.  Best Wishes and God Bless