Why do people say, "my adopted son/daughter?"?

Question

It drives me crazy when people refer to a child they have adopted and say "And this is my adopted daughter." Why not just say "This is my daughter."? I know it's not all adoptive parents who do this, just some of them. If there is anyone out there that does this, why? Everyone says that your adopted child is your child as much as if you'd give birth to him/her, but some just have to throw in the word "adopted." I'm adopted and my Mom never said that, she'd say, "These are my 3 daughters." She didn't say, "These are my two natural daughters and my adopted daughter." I think some people have to throw that word in so they get a pat on the back for adopting a kid.

Answer 1

I don't know! That's a really good question. I don't think I've ever heard anyone do that, but it would bother me if I did. I sure hope it's not to get themselves a pat on the back! That would be awful--and at the child's expense, too.

My youngest is a different race than the rest of us, and sometimes we'll get a raised eyebrow when we introduce our kids. Sometimes, just to head off the question that's about to come, we'll ask our youngest where she was born which she's always very proud to answer. She's totally fine with being adopted, but we don't want her to hear every other person we meet ask if she was adopted. She's just one of our 4 kids, and that's how we want her to feel.

I'm sorry that I don't have a better answer. I'll be thinking about this one....

Answer 2

I would agree ... we are adopting a child and she will be refered to as my daughter not my adopted daughter ... I hate that label as much as anyone else and it's no ones business ... the child does not need to be reminded that they were adopted and in the end may feel as if they were singled out over the natural children.

Answer 3

I agree with REALLY. They are just looking for accolades. My parents never said my adopted daughter, I was always their daughter, as it should be.

Answer 4

Because some people dont except the fact that that is their real actual child.  Some people like to let others know that that isn't their biological child with their traits.  Sometimes it can even hurt the childs feelings.

Answer 5

Yeah I don’t know my parents always introduced me as just their daughter. If someone asked if I was adopted they’d just say yes no big deal.

Answer 6

I´ve always wondered about this too.  It has never made sense to me either.

Answer 7

TO GET coodos from other people.

to get attention.

be make themselves feel better about themselves.

Answer 8

I agree with you.  The word "adopted" is a term to describe an event that took place in forming a family.  It is not to be used to define a child.

I always introduce my children as my son and daughter.  However, I am always eager to share our adoption story.  I am a huge advocate for open adoption and I want others to be educated about adoption in general.  That would never happen if I never told anyone my children were (notice I said "were" not "are") adopted.

I don't deserve any pats on the back.  We didn't adopt in order to "save a child."  But, if I kept how they joined our family a secret, would that cause them to wonder if I was ashamed when they are older?  I'm proud that we adopted them and I want that to show.

Answer 9

My MIL referred to both of her sons as my adopted baby until the adoptions were final.  It kept it in her mind that the birth mother might have changed her mind.  Dh's birth mother almost did.  No one could find her to sign final papers!

Answer 10

I agree that this disignation should not be used as an introduction. I don't use it and my daughter is of a different race than I am!

Answer 11

maybe it is to avoid the awkwardness if someone asks 'which one is adopted'?

Answer 12

Do you think it's for recognition?  I dunno.  I don't understand why people say "This is my HALF brother, so and so"  Why not just say "This is my brother John".  I have half siblings, and never even think of or refer to them as HALF.  It's strange to me.  Do you think the reasons for these are similar or different?

Sorry to answer your question with a question, but it's very thought provoking!

Answer 13

yea so they look good basically my parents told their close friends what they were doing but when they introduce me tm there daughter and it makes me feel so much better then if they kept say adopted this adopted that!

Answer 14

Although I've never heard anyone say that, I'm sure it happens, and it does seems silly.  I certainly dont say "This is my biological daughter".  Perhaps they say it to clarify "No I didnt cheat on my husband, my child looks differnt from us because she is adopted" or whatever.  Or perhaps they are proud of themselves for adopting.  Adoption is a wonderful thing, but I imagine it may be damaging to the child to be labeled like that constantly.

Answer 15

My husband adopted a girl with his first wife and she is my stepdaughter and I call her my daughter and she calls me mommy.  I have heard some older people who have adopted children and they call them their "chosen one".  Which this is true they did choose their child.  I just consider a son a son and a daughter a daughter no matter how I have gotten them.  They are my children.

Answer 16

Most adoptive parents will simply say "My daughter," but many are open to mentioning their child's adoption if there's a reason to talk about it.  Many are proud of having adopted and proud of their kids in all the glory that comes from both nature and nurture.  They like to tell their stories and they want their kids to be comfortable with how they joined their families.  But it can be overdone.  Your kids are your kids, no matter their origins.

Answer 17

It is pretty callous.   I can understand if the child looked very different from the parents, because inevitably some jerk will ask "Oh, who's the father?"  But other than that I can't think of a good reason not to just say "my son/daughter."

Answer 18

they do tat to get extra props but really they should stop. the child would be effected also

Answer 19

I do not refer to my son as "my adopted son", but I also do not hide the fact that he is adopted.  Meaning that because we are so open with him about him being adopted, we don't "hide" it.  For us, it's a bit different situation because our son suffers from a life-threatening genetic disorder so we do have to mention the adoption at most medical appointments for obvious reasons.

On these boards, I refer to myself as an "Adoptive Mother" simply to show my experience for answering questions.  I do not typically refer to myself as that.  I am my son's Mother - and do not consider myself any different to my son than others do to their "biological" children.  But your question has caused me to re-think the way I refer to myself.  Thank you.

Thanks for the question.

Answer 20

The only time I ever hear that is when the media refers to a celebrity's child (Tom Cruise, Rosie, Jamie Lee Curtis, etc.)

It is insulting.

Answer 21

i don't know. i think it actually insults the child as if he/she doesn't belong. my husband and i adopted a 9 year old girl, and we never refer to her like that. and she actually looked surprised when we introduced her to our friends as our daughter, along with our other kids, not singling her out. i think others do that for the same reason you stated, to get glory for adopting.

Answer 22

Don't know....

I even refer to my step daughter as "my daughter"

I guess they do it for attentions and that pat on the back they think they are getting... but they are really just getting...huhhh?

Answer 23

I heard a lady say she coulddn't remember which of her 3 children she adopted and which she gave birth to

Answer 24

Unfortunately, they did not educate themselves on the adoption language that is so essential these days. Also, I hope they "get with it"....by saying that over and over in front of their child, the child may feel more alienated, as if not a part of the family.  I agree with you 100%!

Answer 25

my parents did this on an occasion. not often, but i seriously think it was to save time, other than being the same race, we have no physical similarities. and most people knew my sister and my moms past of failed pregnancies so it was a quick way to say 'she doesnt look like us because...' or 'we finally have our family complete'.

i did have a problem with this for a while until i got custody of my step children. when the constant questions of if they look like dad or looking at my daughter and looking at them with the questioning looks, it does become annoying

overall, i dont think its an intentional disrespect, but a quick, way to avoid other more in depth questions

at least i hope thats why, because the alternative reasons arent very nice