Why do people say that a birth 'parent' is always a part of the child, they're always their parent regardless

Question

A parent is a person who raises a child. Getting pregnant does not make you a parent. You should never THANK a parent for having you. Big deal, two people had s*x. They're not parents. Two people didn't 'make' you, they made a lifelong committment to raising you. That's a parent. Some of these birth parents need to get off their high horse about this child being a part of them forever blah blah. They made a choice, let that child get on with their life.

Answer 1

Yes you are right!

As well,  a parent who leaves a child behind due to selfish reasons should not expect the child to feel comfortable around them once they decide they have time to be a parent again.

Answer 2

I was adopted. Although my biological mother had/has mental problems and we were taken from them. I tend to agree with you. I did find my biological family. I wanted to know my brothers and sisters. As well as find out the medical history. I see nothing wrong with being in contact with biological parents, as friends, maybe. However, it can be hurtful to your parents that raised you. I let mine know NO ONE could ever take their place. You should know, even though the adopted child grows up in a different environment. They will have similarities in taste, personalities, life choices, and characteristics. It's really weird. Sometimes knowing these things will prevent the child from making the same mistakes. However, if you have adopted. The biological parent(s) are contacting you. You should look into your legal rights. Unless they are 18 or older, or you have made other arrangements, they legally should not be contacting you or the child in ?. Best wishes.

Answer 3

I am adopted and my birth parents are a part of me because they conceived me and made the decision to give me up for adoption because they felt they were not ready to be parents.  You can say that if you have s*x and conceive a child out of irresponsibility that you should suffer the consequences of your actions, but at least some of these children are not living in abusive households or being neglected.  Plus my birth parents are a part of me because I don't resemble my adoptive parents in looks, etc., but that is it.

I have to thank my sister's birth mother for having her because my sister was a product of date rape and could have been aborted, but I have a sister that I love and appreciate because her mother did not make that choice.

You have to understand that some birth parents who give up children for adoption may have had a hard time adjusting to their loss and that is why those children are a part of them forever and ever.  Just as long as the birth parent is not being a pain in the butt seeking out these children if they do not want to be found, these children should be able to live their life they way they choose.

Answer 4

It's hard to know from whose point of few you are talking. I have two children that were adopted and I am very thankful and always grateful to their brithparents fro "giving" their children to me. I don't think they are undr any false pretenses (I'm not) about who the child's parents are. I am rasing the children, I am their mommy and I am married to their daddy and that's how it will always be. However, they each were born with a double miracle (I never thought about it this way until I adopted) in that they were given life nad they were given to me. A virtual stranger gave me her child to raise and to have forever. I have no qualms at all about expressing my thankfulness wholeheartedly. I am happy to have my children, as adults, relate to their birthparents in any way they choose. I know they know that I am the person who raised them and I will always be their mother. Their love for me and my love for them is not the issue at all. That is a big mistake that a lot of people make. An adopted child has the undying need to explore their roots and their genetic make-up and I'm sure parents who give up their children have an incredible curiousity about where and how these children are. It does not mean that they want to become their others or have some sort of say in their lives. I don't thik my children want to THANK their birthparents but, rather I want to thank them and perhaps, ultimately, my children will want to thank them for giving them to me. Are you involved in adoption in any way? If you are, I suggest reading up on the emotional side of the issue. If you are not, why are you insisting on being judgemental in a situation that doesn't touch you at all and for which you show no understanding or sensitivity?

Answer 5

The definition of parent includes the biological relationships as well as raising a child. There is no reason to negate one in favor of the other.

His first mom carried him, nurtured him in her womb, loved him before I knew he existed....she and he actually shared a body for 9 mos. .That's nothing to be  "blah blah"ed away and neither are the contributions of his bdad and his entire biological lineage. None of us would exist except for the unbroken chain of genetics going back thousands of years...I am not going to erase that simply because his first parents weren't in a position to raise him as they wanted him raised.

As his parent now, I have the honor of nurturing his unique nature; the traits and characteristics and talents he was born with and carries in his genes. Yes, he is a part of his birthparents, he will be forever.

Answer 6

Like many others, I enjoy genealogy.  My great-great grandparents were never a part of my life.  They didn't raise me.  I never knew them. They were gone long before I was born and yet, they are still a part of my past.  What's the difference with my biological parents?  I never knew them when growing up.  They didn't raise me but still, they're a part of my life, my past, and that factors into what has made me who I am.

I met my biological mother and father when I was 19 years old.  (I did a lot of investigating on what little information I had in my adoption papers and from contacting the adoption agency).  It was a little awkward at first.  Mostly because there are no rules of etiquette when you are treading on new grounds.  I have tried to be sensitive and respectful to those involved.

I never thought of either of them like parents.  Sure I looked for similarities like having my bio-father's curly black hair.  Stuff like that.  My bio-½-brother is semi-famous and I take some pride in that as well.   The thing is, I never considered them my "new" family.  More like an extension of my family-- much like a person might think of their in-laws as an extension of their own family.  

My bio-parents and their families have become special people in my life that add to what I have-- but they don't replace the family I grew up in and have come to call my own.  When I record my genealogy, I make two family trees.  My biological family and my adopted family.  Both are important to me and are a part of who I have become.

Answer 7

i thank my birthmother all the time. she did make a mistake and got pregnant, but she faced her limitations and gave me to a family that could take care of me.

a family that had tried to have a child, had one and lost 4, not including the premie that survived for 3 days. my mom and dad wanted another child badly, but mom simply couldnt do it again. her body had taken some serious damage from the other attempts.

so along came me. they were given a chance to raise the baby they were unable to have. is that wrong?

without my birthmother they would have gone through life wanting another child and watching friends and family raise their babies. seems almost cruel

my birthmother is not my mom, she never will be, i address her by her first name. i love her to death, and respect the choices she made. she knows she will never be my mom, ever.

i think some people need to consider the profound decision these birthparents have made. yes there is PLENTY of c**p people that dont care and just give up their children because they are worthless and dont care, but there is more that did it to give the baby a chance at a better life.

please dont group all birthparents in the same catagory, they are not the same.

as far as your description of a parent, i completely agree.

Answer 8

my adoptive parents will always be my "Real" Parents... i never have and never will have any desire to look for or find my biological ones because the ones i have now have done nothing but love me and have given me everything i needed since i was 8 months old.

Answer 9

Oh, preach on!!!  Thank you!!!  I am a foster parent and there is sooo much wrong with the system.  I have loved this little girl for almost a year, I hope and pray we get to adopt her, I would die for her.  She is the most precious thing that my husband and I could ever imagine and we will give her the very best of everything that we can.  Yet, we are considered no more than glorified babysitters and the family who mistreated these kids get all the opportunities.  I feel in my heart that I am that little girls Mommy and it really angers me when people ask about her "real mom".  In God's eyes, I am her real mom whether the state says so or not!!!  Praise God for adoption.  Too many kids come into this world unloved and then later on, they are resented.  No kid deserves that and no parent who has mistreated their kids deserves to come back into their lives later on.  I think once you are adopted, those people are your family.  Flesh and blood mean nothing compared to Heart and Soul.  I never knew I could love a child I didnt produce until she came along and I realize how little sperm and eggs really mean in the life of a child.  Totally on your side with this one.  God Bless :)

Answer 10

Why are you so angry and bitter?

Do you feel threatened that your child might want to meet their biological family?

Maybe you need to spend some time looking at things from a different Point of View or even spending some time away from the computer.  It appears you made this identity in order to say things that you know won't necessarily be popular and protect your regular yahoo ID.  Your point of view isn't the only point of view and I believe all sides of the triad need a certain level of compassion.

Answer 11

I agree that the parent is the person who cleans up the vomit and goes to the parent teacher conferences but I will gladly assist my adopted children with a search for their birth parents when they're ready to do that.  My children were taken from their birth parents by the state so they made some mistakes but as a parent I can't imagine how it must feel every day to wonder if that child is happy or even still alive.  And I do love knowing all about my family history and I've passed that on to my children so I know they too will want to hear about their lineage someday.

Answer 12

I am adopted and love my parents dearly.  I have also had contact with my birth mother.  In the few brief conversations that we had, we found so many similarities in our personalities as well as appearance.  She will always be a part of me.  She made a decision that she felt was best for the both of us.  A very generous decision that now since we have "met" she is certain she did the right thing, as am I.  

I am also a mother of a daughter and since giving birth and raising her for the last 6 years, I now know how difficult the decision must have been.  

Birth parents are the reason we are here.  We and they are humans and can never forget something so significant in all of our lives.

Answer 13

I am not adopted but i was not raised by my birth parents. No matter what they will always be my mother and father but they will never be my mom and dad.

it takes a real man/woman to be a mom/dad. a mom/dad is the one who is there for 3 am feeding, when you fall off your bike, when you have your first heart break.

Answer 14

while i agree that a *parent* is some one who raises a child-the birth mother is THE reason the child is here! I mean the birth mother could have had an abortion or could have never given the child up in the first place which in alot of situations would be flat out cruel if by keeping the child would subject it to a life/lifestyle where the child couldent or  wouldent recieve the proper care and love it deserves.so when the birth mother *made that choice* of* giving the child up *for adoption-have u ever thought that the choice was made out of love-loveing someone enough to let them go even when it hurts to the core is TRUE love.

Answer 15

My sister isn't with her baby's father and it amazes me how he doesn't even want to be apart of her life.  I consider him more of a sperm donor than a parent. A parent is someone who stays up late at night because their baby is sick, who lets them drink out of their cup all the time, who shuffles them to ballet and is always there when you need them. I'm adopted and I don't know much about my biologicals, but I know that they will never be my parents. My parents are the two people who took me in and raised me and loved me.

Answer 16

Yes i agree with you. Being a parent is NOT just about conception. A parent is somebody who has to earn the right to be called one. The people that are you there for you from the start, love you, bring you up, kiss away your poorly's when you fall over, wipe away your tears when you are upset, cuddle you, support you, help you with your homework etc. THEY are your parents wether they gave brith to you or not.

Answer 17

Birth parents are a genetic part of the child's life. It is up to the child if at some point he or she wishes to meet the birth parents. Not all children are a result of a one night stand, or rape or whatever. Some children are given up for reasons like giving the baby the life that they can't and not wanting to abort. Some birth parents just want to know that the child is okay and staying in touch with the case worker and letting them be the go between, answers that  question and others. I am a little scared of the day my son my ask to meet he birth parents but I know he may wonder what I look like and stuff like that. So I will support him because children are a gift from God. My brother was given up for adoption as he was the 7th child of a poor family who knew that could not handle another one. They were not allowed to keep in touch through the case worker back then. He never wanted to meet them either. He was grateful for the choice they made. I am grateful to the birth parents who chose me. I thank God for them and wish them well in there lives.

Answer 18

I am not sure where you are going with this question (sounds like you have some bitterness there).

I have never been adoped, but my two daughters are adopted (by their birth father and his second wife). I got divorced from my exhusband, and was living and working in a motel. I had one room, with one double bed and a very small bathroom. I had a two-burner hotplate on the dresser. Now, I was going to be granted full custody of my daughters, but how was I going to be a 100% mother with a watchful eye at all times on my two small daughters (ages 6 &3), and working as a housekeeper at the motel????????

Believe you me, I talked to the lawyer, and told him my circumstances saying that I could not raise my daughters properly while with my circumstances. I gave my ex husband and his wife full custody of my daughters (with a whole lot of praying and stress), not that I wanted to give them up mind you, but I wanted and needed to do what was right for MY children!!!

Now both my daughters are grown, and have children of their own.

I don't know and I dare not think what the outcome would have been if I would have been selfish and kept them with me (leaving them in the room unattended while I was working?????????????? I think not!!!). they would have been taking away from me and be put in foster care or some other place, and who knows what would have happened to them!!

I believe deep down in my heart that I made the right choice, for the welfare of my children. Deep down in my heart they are always my daughters, whether a piece of paper says other wise or not!! A mother never forgets for one minute her child/children, or if she has lost an unborn child!!

Answer 19

we call my sons "birth mom" his BM! (cuz she is a big ^(*& head)  She is totally insane. She shows up every three or four years claiming she has found god and will be a GREAT mom NOW,, that lasts a couple of weeks (at most) and then she is gone again. It is amazing how she thinks. she actually showed up when he was seven (had been gone five years in that time I married my husband and had two more kids with him, plus had raised Thomas as my own) She showed up, walked in my house and THANKED ME for WATCHING her family and I could go now...

strange!!!

Answer 20

As an adoptive mother of two children, your statements deeply offend me.

My children are being raised in an open adoption with their birthmother because it is in their best interest to do so.  But, not only that, I love and care for their birthmother myself.  So, if she wasn't in our lives, we would miss her too.

I held her hand as she labored and gave birth to two children which she ultimately gave to us and I will never, ever disrespect her by even implying that she didn't have anything to do with my children's existence.

She was their first mother and will always be their mother because, although we don't want to, if we tried to deny that we just couldn't because every day I look into their eyes and I see her - the woman whose laugh is infectious, whose eyes are the most soulful brown I've ever seen, and whose scarred heart is still full of so much love.

Now, with all that being said, let me just say that my heart is scarred too.  Ten years of infertility, an ectopic pregnancy, and seven lost embryos during IVF have left their mark.  Adopting our children didn't erase those scars, they just made me the mother that I am today.  But, all my hardships does not give me a right, as a human, to disregard another's part in my children's lives.

My children are who they are because of their biological parents and their adoptive parents.

Answer 21

Because there will always be that genetic connection. Yes raising a child is a bigger portion of being a parent. but that shouldn't diminish the birth mom. You want to imply that birth moms are worthless, but where would all the adopted children come from if it weren't for them making the tough decision to give up their child, when a woman gives up their child maybe it might be for selfish reasons but it's also better for the baby too.

After all she could have aborted, but didn't and gave someone else the chance to be parents who might not be able to on their own.

Answer 22

I think what they mean is that you are their blood, their creation.  Not so much that they are parents.  It's the only word other than "birth giver" that describes the act of having a child.  It's not the easiest thing in the world to give up a child you carried and had a connection with, hence always being a part of them.  As aggravating as I'm sure it is for you, it was a choice they made to give a child a real chance in life.  Try not to let other people get you riled up.