Why do people say they hate their adoptions?

Question

I am trying to understand this, so please bear with me. I have read several posts that the adoptees put they "hated" their adoptions. My question is, what would have rather happened? I understand that you wanted your birth family to raise you and love you and care for, but since that did not happen, what would be a better alternative? I am sure no one would rather have been aborted, so what would be the better choice? Again, I am just trying to understand so I can explain all this to my baby when he is older. I am not medically able to have children and have always known I would adopt. I just want to have a healthy, happy, well adjusted baby.

Answer 1

While I don't hate adoption, the truth is that it is not an easy thing to be adopted.

People make assumptions.  I had a boyfriend once who told me that I could never tell his family I was adopted because they would never accept someone who wasn't wanted by their own family. The relationship didn't last long after that.

Often people also assume that adoptees are products of illegitimate relationships.  In other words, sometimes when our moms aren't around, kids will call us bad names.

Kids can be mean.  So can adults.

There is often an unspoken stigma to adoption.  People don't talk about it all the time but it is there.

Answer 2

i was adopted..i grew up without my 6 brother's and sister's was born in a so called open adoption state...but by the time i met those that i did we were stranger's to each other..plus i had the bonus of the how ungrateful think where you'd be if we hadn't adopted you parent's...i thought it was something to be ashamed of..having money car's and clothe's do not make a parent...love doe's.i went from foster home's to adopted..on and the mental illness and addiction's that were rampant in the bio family..left me self medicating and wondering what the heck was wrong with my brain ? it was schizophrenia with no medical family history..how can doctor's help you fix or even start on a road to mental emotional health ? if certain law's could be changed i think alot of us would feel diffrent...and also why is there no 2 year 5 year follow heck 10 year follow-up by the state's on the kid's for the kid's to make sure everything is alright? just get rid of the problem's and don't look back...i wonder how afraid they would be to know how many mistake's they made from mistake's that we were i guess

Answer 3

I LOVED  my life as an adoptee. So please dont get depressed or discouraged by reading this board! I was part of a closed adoptiong and I love my birthparents and had a great life. They are the ONLY family I know! Im not going to say it wasnt harder than growing up a "regular life" but being sad on my birthday wondering if my BM was thinking about me is alot better than being raised by a teenager, and being molested or neglected by and unfit mother, and whoever she chooses to hang around with.

I know people seem really angry that the mother wasnt supported or given the opportunity  to try and raise them, but I truly belive that resposibility begins BEFORE you even have s*x. If a child is not somthing you are capable of rasing for what ever reason, age, money, drug/alcohol problems then that is somthing to be considered BEFORE doing the deed.

As a child and during my teen years this was harder to understand and I was sad somtimes but as an adult I completly understand! I look at myself at 15 and couldnt imagine having a child or being raised by someone that age ( no matter how much money they are given in support) Also children of single mothers who continue to date or have lots of children with lots of differnt men are statisticaly much higher to be abused sexually or phisically or to also have a child while underage,than a child with 2 parents.

Just always make sure he feels appreciated and loved equally to any other children you may have. and understand that  he may feel sad on birthdays or as he gets older and trys to "find" himself and has a harder time.  Its all normal, just be loving and supportive.

Answer 4

I was telling my mom about my friend who was not in a position to have a baby but did because the father was adopted and "couldn't do that to someone else" and she said "but i don't see why he would say that. if you are adopted, that means someone CHOSE you, out of all the babies in the world, you got to be chosen, you weren't a mistake, an accident or anything else to the loving parents who CHOSE you."

wow, what did i say to get thumbs down.

i would just explain to the child you were CHOSEN, i think that is the best word to use.

Answer 5

Lots of people hate their biological parents too, but adopted people often seem to conclude that they do not get along with their parents BECAUSE they are adopted . . . the whole idea that they SHOULD have been kept by their birth parents is a bit irrational . . . why would it be better to be raised by someone who does not want to raise a child or feels that someone else will do it better?  Not everyone that gets pregnant is in a position to provide a good home for a baby.

Answer 6

First let me just respond to musical simplicity and I

QUOTE

"My brother (biological... hes older and my b.mom decided to keep him) has had 2 children out of wedlock form two different girls... both many years younger than him... and everyone drinks alot..

UNQUOTE

Well SHAME On him MY GOODNESS how disgusting of him to have 2 children out of wedlock to different girls AND OH NO They ALL DRINK A LOT TOO !!

Well let me see, I was adopted in to a loving Christian Moral family, I was promiscous, I DRANK A LOT , still do drink but not so much after having children, I smoked until my babies, and OH MY GOD I had an affair with a married man when I was younger..Shoot I'm going STRAIGHT TO h**l But I was raised by strict moral Christian people .....

There but for the Grace of God Go I...ever heard of that expression MusicalSimplicity ????

Now to answer the OP's Question......I Do not hate MY Adoption - I HATE BEING ADOPTED .....

I hate it will all my heart. I am Sad most of the time, despite being a very warm, friendly, fun loving person, but because of losing my identity, being raised as someone completely different to who I was in my very core of my being, I am conflicted, I can not deal with other people very well, I attract people to me very easily, but then I end up P*ssing them off because of my insecurities , and my trying to force them to believe me, because if they dont believe me they will leave me, they will reject me but trouble is by forcing them to believe me they leave anyway

MANY Adoptees go through this or it will be another emotion that they cant deal with in regards to rejection, some are people pleaser's, some are Act it outers, but the MAJORITY of adoptees have issues.

And even if they say they do not now, they will at some stage of their life.....

There are some people that wish they had been aborted and this is because they are in so much pain today. Although I am in a lot of pain, I dont feel that way, but sometimes I wish I was dead,at the very time of the amount of pain that i am feeling.

You will not get a healthy happy well adjusted baby just like that, my advice if you want to have a happy child that you adopt then be upfront and honest from the word go, and GET COUNSELING For you your husband and the child.

It is imperative that the child sees a counselor one who specializes in adoptive children.

Then you might stand a chance of the child being *happier*

Answer 7

Well treat you're baby the way it is and how it would be you're other child but just adopt a kid that is young and you should just care and nurture him and you sjould well just riase it well and tell hime when he or she is about 12 or so because then there lives they will think are a whole lie

Answer 8

Don't listen to angry, hostile people.  Adoption can be a wonderful thing for the adopters and the adoptees.  

Many children who are placed in adoptive homes have been abused/neglected by their birth parents.  Often, these children have already developed Reactive Attachment Disorder, a disorder by which the children are unable to form lasting, loving attachments with other people.  Some of the other manifestations of the disorder are lying, stealing, fire setting, cruelty to animals, dislike of being touched, sleeping disorders, conduct disorders, and much more, none of it good.  Typically, these children are placed in homes with loving parents who try to make these children follow society's rules, in other words, be nice, don't lie, don't steal, don't set fires, don't be mean to animals, and so forth.  The relationships between the children and the adoptive parents becomes quite strained, because the parents try to enforce the rules, and the children, having RAD, can't (and don't want to) comply.  Although the parents love the children, the children do not love the parents, as they lack the capacity to do so.  The children often  grow up to have lots of issues, and don't love their adoptive parents, and are very hostile toward them.  

Another thing to consider with the issue of adoption is genetics.  It is estimated that 80% of our morals and values are genetically determined.  So if a child is placed in a home where the adoptive family has very different values and morals than the birth family, the child may always feel a bit out of place, and not understand the values of the adoptive family.

That said, there are so many cases of successful adoption.  Opening your heart and your home and your life to a child in need of a family is not selfish.  It sounds like you have a situation in which the birth family is involved, you have a good, caring relationship with the birth family, and you plan to be open and honest with your son.  I am sure that you will have a great relationship, and a happy family.  Family is what you make it, and you can make it great!

I have adopted sisters who are very well adjusted, happy, successful people, and are just as much a part of the family as if they had been born to our family.  My parents always said, jokingly, that most people just get what they get when they have a baby, but they got to choose my sisters!

The best of luck to you!

Answer 9

Some days, especially growing up, I would have begged for it vs. being where I was.  And that was being a 3rd wheel, black sheep of the family and to this day I still am.

I'm the adopted one; I'm the one that they adopted because they couldn't have children.  I'm the one that my 29 year old bio mom gave up because she was afraid to loose her teaching certificate.  I'm the one that was just shuffled off.

I hate being adopted and prepare yourself for your adopted child to possibly hate you for it too.  They will still love you though..its an odd turn.  Every adopted person I know has serious issue with their adoption in one form or another.  That doesn't mean you don't love your adopted parents.

I now know my bio parents, and if I had the choice some days they could stay where they came from.  I'm thrilled to have my extended family, aunts/uncles, cousins...but my bio parents just don't thrill me, they actually scare me.

My adopted parents died almost 10 and 8 years ago, I miss my mom terribly, but mercy did we fight.

There is only a teeny hand full of folks I would say would be good adoptive parents.  They are well off and want a child so badly.

Get ready for a long road.  And tell this child they are adopted the minute they can understand your words.  My mom always told me I was special because I was chosen by then and other families just got what God stuck in Mom's tummy.

I am so not for adoption just cuz there isn't another way (or so you think) that I would surrogate for a friend or family member that couldn't conceive!

Another thing, remember it takes more than birthing a child to be a mom- hopefully you can stand firm to that if/when the bio mom shows up in your life.

Answer 10

Hi Hargonagain,

Thank you for asking.  That is the first step towards gaining understanding.  There are many things that adoptive parents are simply not told or are lied to about when it comes to how adoptees are going to feel.

Here are a few reasons:

You may not know this, but in 44 U.S. states today, adoptees are still legally denied their birth records.  Even in so called "open adoptions," birth records are still permanently sealed from the adult adoptees themselves!  Adoptees are not happy with that.  That does not mean they hate their adoptive parents, it means they hate the system.  There is a difference.

The way adoption is practiced still has many ethical concerns with which adoptees are not happy.  Most adoptions do not have to happen in the first place.  More could be done to support families so they can stay together.  Adoption is a multi-billion dollar business, particularly for white, healthy, newborn babies, so there is not much incentive on family preservation.  Coersion is still a factor, particularly in infant adoptions.  Too often, open adoptions are not honored, and the natural mothers are left heartbroken.  Adoption has become more about providing babies for wealthier families and less about finding homes for true orphans.  That's another thing that adoptees do not like, being made to feel like commodities.  Commodities with a job to do, that is to fulfill the role of the child the client could not biologically have.  Many times, issues of loss are not properly addressed.  Sometimes that means expectations are not met, and that can lead to disappointment all around.

Another thing adoptees do not like is the way their thoughts and feelings are so easily dismissed by those who either make money from the industry, gain a child in the process, or those who believe all the win-win happily ever after that the media portrays.  It's frustrating to say things over & over & not be heard, or to be denied that is true.  Adoptees generally don't like being told how they are SUPPOSED to feel about adoption, by people who have never even experienced it themselves.  Adoptees' lives are drastically altered, and they are the only ones who have no say in any of it.  Ever.  

I hope some of this helps answer your question why adoptees might not like adoption.  Remember, that is independent of how they may feel about their adoptive parents, especially if the adoptive parents are always open, honest, and work for reform within the industry, which many do.   Thanks for listening.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 11

Personally, for me, abortion wouldn't have been a bad thing.  I have lived a life of depression and pain, and caused others in my life pain by my suffering.  I've tried suicide several times and no amount of medications or therapy has helped.  I'm not saying yay abortion, or that everyone feels like I do, but that's what I would have preferred.

Answer 12

well, the reason i hate my adoption is because my birthmom would have been able to raise me. she had the money, was old enough and was engaged. she just wanted a boy. and she had me [a girl]. so she gave me up for adoption cuz she didnt want me. and its the feeling of rejection that i hate.

Answer 13

my mother absolutely could have kept me.  that is what i would have wanted.

i personally have never said i hated MY adoption.  i have repeatedly said "i hate adoption".

Answer 14

why i hate my adoption well its like this if you liked someone and they didnt like you back your only choice in life is to avoid them right you sure cant be with them because they dont like you adoption is one sided

Answer 15

Would you like to lose your first family? On top of that have your name changed without your consent, your identity sealed from you by the state you were adopted into and then told to be grateful for it for your entire life? Let alone parents who adopt for their own needs of wanting a child because they couldn't have one ( so you are not only not kept the first time, but now you're 2nd best the 2nd time around.) Adoption hurts. For many many years, I DID want to be aborted.

The alternative, KEPT.

Many women COULD keep their children and are coerced out of them or forced to surrender by their govt. or state, or parents and family or poverty. Benefiting off of another humans loss's for your own "wants" isn't favorable in my opinion.

Answer 16

I agree with Adopted Jane

=]

And for fuks sake please dont say you were chosen or you a special

Answer 17

I had a closed adoption and I am so glad it was that way. If I knew my birthparents growing up as a child I think that would have made me feel even more uncomfortable.  My parents told me from the get go I was adopted too, that was awesome. I felt like a special child compared to my two siblings who weren't adopted, just me! I later learned that my birthmother actually went to the abortion clinic and almost terminated her pregnancy with me but didn't at the last minute! I am so glad she changed her mind because without ME this world would be a different place. I make a difference!!!

Answer 18

You are approaching an emotional issue with intellectual discussion.  It may be that, for some, there was no better alternative.  (In my case, there was.)  But just because there was no better alternative doesn't change the emotional reaction to the circumstances.  

Adults understand (sometimes) the intellectual reasons.  But children are adopted.  And they form emotional responses long before they can understand the intellectual reasons.  

I would have rather been raised by my first mom.  She was clearly capable of doing so, but she wasn't supported by her mother or society, emotionally.

Answer 19

I personally love my adoption... My biological dad is some random guy my biological mom met at a party... What a life that would have been... because of my adoption i have grown up in a Christian home and a loving family... My brother (biological... hes older and my b.mom decided to keep him) has had 2 children out of wedlock form two different girls... both many years younger than him... and everyone drinks alot... I'm blessed to be adopted into a great family

Answer 20

the ones who are angry at their adoption and claim to hate it, are angry for another reason, and just use adoption as a crutch.  Make bad choices - blame adoption, life does not turn out the way you wanted it to,- blame adoption.  AS to say that abortion would be preferable, all I can say is get help, professional help.