Why do people think I should be unaffected by the death of my children's first mother?

Question

Some people are being so insensitive about it! We shared something amazing...our children! She was my friend and a part of her lives on in my children, in thier looks, their personalities, their blood. How can I not be sad? Why should I not mourn?

Answer 1

I'm sorry people are being so rude to you during this.  Some people are simply incapable of letting go of their own stereotypes and fears long enough to open up and try to understand.

Answer 2

I am sorry for your loss and the inconsiderate people that you have encounter during it.

No one has the right to tell anyone who they can and can not grieve for. She was your children's mother and your friend. Too many people assume original mothers are terrible people. So maybe this is why they can't understand your grief.

My thoughts are with you during this time of loss.  

Answer 3

People can indeed be insensitive. It sounds to me like you understand you should grieve. Your feelings are normal. Many people feel pain simply because they know something will hurt their kids. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, so just keep on doing what's best for yourself and your family.

Answer 4

OMG, I would be so depressed if my birthmom died, and I'm sure my adoptive dad would be too. They're friends, they see each other more than I see either of them!

You have all right to mourn.  

Answer 5

you have every right to mourn.  she was your friend.  tell everyone to take a flying leap.  and sorry to hear about your friend

Answer 6

Some people feel that first parents and adoptive parents are (or should be) rivals.  These are the same people who believe that adoptees' searches for or relationships with their first families are insults to their "real" parents (the ones who rasied them).  

It's as if they can understand that a parent can love more than one child but when a child has more than one mommy and one daddy it doesn't fit the "norm".  This is why divorced fathers used to be shut out of their children's lives when the mothers remarried.  

We've come a long way since then - open records, open adoptions were unheard of until recently.  But it takes time for mindsets to change or (more likely) for people with a different view to grow up and become the majority.  Mourn her and celebrate her life.  You are representing the future of adoption, not the past with all its secrecy and lies.

Answer 7

I think it all stems from the misunderstandings and prejudices people have towards adoption.

They do not understand nor choose to understand because they have not personally been affected by adoption.

I am so sorry for how you have been treated. It's amazing that humanity would have you go on as if this woman never existed.

For what it is worth you and the children have my compassion and sympathy. I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 8

Because "So Many" people want to believe that all aparents just want a baby and toss the mother to the curb.

You have every right to mourn how ever you want, for your friend and you for the loss you child will feel.

Answer 9

pure ignorance.

you have every right to mourn.

Answer 10

Because many people lack empathy.  

Answer 11

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am also so sorry for your children's loss too.  No child should have to experience losing a parent so young.  Its a terrible tragedy.  You sound like a compassionate and sympathetic person who should have every right to grieve too.  I am sorry for the lack of understanding you are receiving from some people.

(((((((((Lindsey))))))))

Answer 12

The same reason why people seem to think that first parents are unable to feel emotions regarding their relinquished children.

The same reason why people have convinced themselves that these children were completely "unwanted" to begin with, which is so utterly ridiculous that it blows my mind. They need to educate themselves on what a mother goes through before they make these assumptions.

Answer 13

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.  

Answer 14

If my biological mother died I honestly would not care. I will never know the truth from her as she denies everything when her own family have told me what she did to me.

I would feel sorry for my younger biological siblings that have her for a mother, but that is all.

Answer 15

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  I don't think everybody can understand the way some (not all) of us aparents feel about our children's nparents.  I know a lot of people find it unnatural when both sets of parents are friends and truly love one another.  You are a good person and you child is lucky to have a mother as compassionate and caring as you!  You mourn as long as you need to...those who cannot understand should just keep quiet!

Answer 16

when i clicked i thought you were going to say it was your husband's first wife , and by that i know why someone would think that you dont care.......on the other hand it was your friend, and the mother of the children who you now call your own.. thats incredibly rude and as you said insensitive. of course you have every right to mourn.. thats really messed up

Answer 17

People think that because they don't understand the connection between birthmother and adoptive mom. They don't understand that regardless of your relationship when she passed, she was a very special person to you.

A suggestion... Don't talk about it to people. Keep it a bit more private, then you don't have to take their baggage.

Answer 18

You are a kind person.

I think that most people think of first parents as disposable.  

You know better.

Answer 19

You should mourn the death of your children's mother.  Although I am not "friends" with my child's first mother it would still "kill" me to know of her death.  We share something so special, we both love our child unconditionally.  No, I did not give birth to him...he grew in his mommy's tummy and he grew in my heart.  Plain and simple.

Answer 20

Because some people don' t understand the big picture; they don't think that she had any integrity because she "gave her baby up".  They don't see that a first mom can have an INCREDIBLE amount of strength and integrity and that someone could feel the amount of respect and compassion toward them that you do.

Because I think people who are not affected by adoption think that first parents and adoptive parents should be rivals, not friends.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss; you mourn all you want to and don't worry one bit about what other people think!