Why do people think they DESERVE reunion when the child turns 18?

Question

It seems like a lot of people feel that reunion is a right yet didn't the bmoms give up ALL rights when they terminated their parental rights? Why do people think adoptees are just supposed to be knocking down the doors to get to bparents? and bparents wait for that 18th birthday so they can jump back into that person's life?

Answer 1

I asked my Hubby that , an he wanted to meet his Birth parents , He wanted to know his birth family background. I dont think birth parents think they "Deserve" it , But I'm sure deep down in there heart they really want to meet the child , an maybe part of the child wants to meet them. It's a natural part of life , you want to know who gave you up an Why , some people do have very good reasons for adoption, an lets face it .. Adoption is better than Abortion.

Answer 2

I dont feel they DESERVE IT however it is in your child's best interest.  

They need to know about family back ground  ect because of health issues for themselves and their future children

Answer 3

Like it or not they are family.  There is a bond that cannot be broken by a piece of paper terminating parental rights.  It would be hard to imagine a first mother never wanting to see her child again.  I guess it could happen but i'm sure its a rare occurrence.

Another argument would be first parents terminate parental rights in regards to raising a child.  An adult/adult relationship is something totally different.  

I think the word "deserve" is condescending.

Answer 4

It sounds so cold when someone says didn't they sign away their rights? Just because a nmom signed away ALL her rights it doesn't mean she signed off what is in her heart. I loved my daughter her whole life. I told myself we would meet again, it may have been wishful thinking on my part but we did. I hoped to see her, I prayed I'd see her, I wanted to see her, even if only for 5 minutes. Does that sound like a person who signed the papers, walked away, and never looked back? After all I went through inside myself there are people who thought I deserved a reunion, I wasn't one of them. I could only hope. But I never thought I deserved anything.

I do feel that any adoptee who desires to know their nparents deserves a chance at finding them.

JULIE J: It was not in my papers but after signing I was told that I could not look for her. That was way back in the day, and it didn't have anything to do with her becoming an adult. You are also right about there being nothin in my papers saying I could not love her. I guess it's one of those you kinda gotta be there for some. Maybe they would get it if they had actually gone through it. Just because you sign away your rights to parent doesnt mean you sign away your right to love.

Answer 5

Do they think that? The DESERVE part seems a bit off to me, from what I've seen.

Once the child becomes an adult, I think that TPR doesn't really matter.  I mean, looking for some form of contact isn't trying to reinstate parental rights.  It's adults contacting adults.  

Regarding your second question, you kind of have a point. I made contact with my kids' families right away for my own reasons - I wanted to make sure the adoption was ethical and we had been told the truth, I was concerned that their moms were worried about them, I thought it would easier and less traumatic for my kids to always know their stories instead of waiting.  But you may have a point because who's to say that if I did nothing my kids ever would have tried to make contact? I do see adoptees here who say they have no interest, but then all my real life adoptee friends have searched.

eta: saw your additional comments about 'deserve'. Just because one person wrote it that way I wouldn't think that's the most common attitude.

Answer 6

they are curious btw maybe can you get another picture or name or something?  nobody wii take seriously at all with that thing

Answer 7

Why do adoptive parents think they "DESERVE" to raise someone else's kid?  It's every bit as fair for me to tar you with the "entitlement" brush as it is for you to tell me I think I "deserve" a reunion.  I deserve, and have a perfect right to, my birth and adoption records.  I deserve to know where I come from.

I do not "deserve" to meet someone who doesn't want to meet me, or someone I don't want to meet, anymore than anyone else does.  That's why there are laws against stalking.

Answer 8

Not ALL birth-parents do believe this is a good thing.

The same as not ALL birth-moms give up their parental rights just because.

The 'Pressure' of young single teens giving up their child at birth rather than have an abortion has increased tremendously over the past 20+ years and the those same teens are now realizing that maybe, just maybe, it was indeed the wrong choice.

Think about it!

Answer 9

It sounds like your question perhaps equates the sentiment by some that adoptive parents feel "entitled" to parent .  And subsequently, birthparents feel they "deserve" a reunion with a child they relinquished?  

There is no feeling of entitlement felt by 99.9% of the thousands of adoptive parents I have worked extensively with.  Quite the contrary, I have witnesses over and over again adoptive parents feeling great sadness and grief over their child's birthmother's loss, and guilt about their own happiness.  Conversely, 99.9% of the thousands of birthmothers I have met have never expressed or demonstrated any sense of feeling they "deserve" a reunion with their child.  Quite, the contrary, most express not wanting to "interfere" with their child's life or the raising of their child by their adoptive parents.

That being said, that "1%" of birthparents who go on Montel (etc.) and claim their child was "taken away" from them and they "couldn't ever find them", even though they wanted to, is usually a bunch of bull.  These birthmothers who were on drugs, into multiple serial relationships, alcoholic, etc., and had a family member or spouse or agency step in and protect her children when she chose not to, are mispoken.  They and they alone are responsible for the loss they feel, their family being separated, their child being "taken" from them, their family being incomplete, their child's feelings of abandonment, etc.  No one else.  It is a hard pill to swalow, but women need to take responsibiility for their decision.  Then and only then, will some adoptees be able to heal by accepting that their parents were not responsible parents, but acted responsibly in some cases by placing their child for adoption.

Answer 10

I never thought i deserved a reunion with her. i felt i deserved answers as to why she gave me up and i was willing to get my adoption records to get those answers, but not to the point that i deserved a reunion. i was fortunate that my mother WANTED to meet me. so for those of you who say that a birth mother does not want to meet her child that she gave away, then how do you explain my mother wanting to meet me?

Answer 11

Hi Carnie,

Perhaps I can offer more perspectives for you on the topic of "DESERVING."  Let's look at exactly who is DESERVING and why.

Do you think a social worker would ever counsel an expectant mother by telling her she does not "DESERVE" to ever see her child again?  My guess would be no.  (It would not get their desired results - a baby they can turn around and process through the adoption machine.)  Is depriving a mother of her child forever part of the punishment you feel she DESERVES for having had a baby?  Or do you feel that denying reunions would better serve adoptive parents who may feel they DESERVE a child who does not have any outside family members?  What about the child?  What did they ever do to DESERVE being severed from their first families in the first place?

You use the words "ALL rights."  When and if relinquishment papers are signed, a first parent is only agreeing not to PARENT their child.  Parental responsibilities end at age 18.  After that time, all adults are free to contact whoever they want, related or not.  It is up to the 2 of them what relationship, if any, they wish to maintain with each other.

First mothers, correct me if I'm wrong, but there is nothing in relinquishment papers about agreeing to never see your child ever again, right?  Nothing in there about agreeing to stop loving your child, stop thinking about them, stop caring, right?  It is unreasonable to expect that from mothers, & it would be even more difficult to talk mothers into signing such a paper.  In reality, they only relinquish parental responsibilities of said child.  An adoptee is no longer a child after the age of 18.    I guess I fail to see why agencies, adoptive parents, or anyone else should DESERVE to dictate what should happen after that point, or why first families and adoptees should need to justify their reasons to anyone else.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 12

Excuse me Cranie,

This is the internet police. This question could be considered "pot stirring" and this will be your only warning. This question makes little sense, as the answers are totally debatable and there is no solid answer. Therefore, if you wonder why someone would "offer" that advice my suggestion ma'm would be to take it up with the person who asked it.

There is no "right" to a reunion. Many people separated by family from adoption however, seek reunion.

"In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are, and where we have come from. Without this enriching

knowledge, there is a hollow yearning; no matter what our attainments in life, there is the most disquieting loneliness." Alex Haley

Back to your regularly scheduled answering....

ETA: It has been brought to the Adoption Police's attention that StillMe is offering statistics, and percentages. I would like to see what information you have supporting this evidence you are claiming before any assumptions are made based on your reply.  You have 2 hours to present your evidence, or I call your bluff.

10-4

ETA: StillMe has STILL failed to produce any evidence to support her argument, at this point in time we're going to have to discredit what she has said as there is no research to back it up. Stillme this isn't a personal attack on you, but as the adoption officer in this neck of the woods, I'd just like to keep things honest and real and would appreciate your cooperation so that further action isn't necessary. If, in the future, you should provide such statistical evidence of your percentages in your answer that are factual and worthy of believing I will retract my statement of discrediting your post.

Answer 13

What a better way to thank a person for what they have done for you than to meet them in person?  For a long time I did not want to search, but felt that I would always honor any request to meet my bioparents if they found me. I do feel  they  deserve to meet me if they want to.  They gave me my life, and I am grateful for that. This doesn't mean that I am obligated to a relationship.  I can always say no.  But I feel that considering everything a birth mother goes through for the rest of  her life, it is a small thing to give her the opportunity to follow up on her choice and see that it all worked out.  

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Answer 14

not sure about the deserving part, but, if the child goes looking for the natural parent, they deserve to know everything...!

perhaps a teenager was fored to place the child for adoption, in this case, they deserve to know today (if the child they placed is 18) where that child is and how they are doing!

don't be so quick to judge...

better to place one for adoption than to abort...that's a very giving thing, to give someone a child they could not have had themselves...

so, yes, in this way, I believe the natural parent deserves to know what's going on!  they gave someone a child...  that's truely priceless...

adding something here...  we all deserve to be in h**l according to the Bible...  so who are we to judge who deserves what around here?

Answer 15

I don't think it's a matter that they think they deserve reunion as much as they hope it will happen. you must remember not all adoptions were from choice some were a victim of circumstances. I think that the majority of birth parents especially the moms have wondered over the years if the child had a good home and wonder what they turn out like. It's only natural. I also don't think they think they can just walk back into their lives, but they do hope that they can form some kind of relationship with them. As far as a reunion it is a personal choice that has to be made on both parts, some turn out good and others are just a big disappointment. My mom offered to help me find my bio mom it was my decision not too, dought that I ever will but that is my choice, for others it's the wrong choice. In my case I just think it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Answer 16

I don't hear anyone saying they DESERVE it.  I do hear people saying they hope for it.  There's a big difference between the two.

Giving up legal parental rights doesn't mean the person gives up being an integral part of the child's past and the child's identity.  

Honesty, I don't blame a first parent one bit for hoping that contact will occur.  I can't imagine giving up my own flesh and blood.

I thought first mothers were performing an incredible act of love and selflessness.  That's what people call it.  Don't you think, then, that it's not asking too much that they can at least HOPE for some sort of contact after the incredible "loving and selfless gift" they gave?  

ETA:

Gersh...I need a deputy's badge.  Still Me is spouting off numbers inconsistent with other statistics.

Answer 17

Hmm...

My family is missing. I don't know who my parents are or where they are. I don't know who I look like or who my grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles are. I was forced to live with strangers and call them mom & dad. It's against the law for me to know who my parents are and what my identity is an to possess my OWN birth certificate with my REAL name on it.

Hmm...

Yeah, I d**n well deserve to know. And if there were an award for the most idiotic question ever aked in the history of humankind - it would go to you.