Why do people who are anti-adoption believe that all the rights should be retained by the birth parents?

Question

After all, THEY were the ones who chose to give their child away, right or wrong, so why do people blame the adoptive parents for everything?

Answer 1

I don't know. I get a little tired of being depicted as a slavering evil creature ripping an innocent pleading babe from the arms of a naive duped virginal fairy-like creature and then doing my best to shove the child into a mold of my own creation without regard to their history or heritage. I am not sure what their experiences are, but times HAVE changed. Most birth mothers go through extensive counseling now and many adoptive parents take a financial risk every time they try to adopt.  And really, most birth mothers who make an adoption plan and follow thru with it are usually more educated, from higher income families, and have higher IQs than birth mothers who make an adoption plan and then change their minds and keep their babies. The birth mother of my daughter is wonderful but she chose the adoption plan with much consideration and forethought, and we kept in contact. I hope my daughter gets to meet her someday and I TELL my daughter this.  The world sucks, yes. There shouldn't be anyone who should feel they HAVE to give up a child. But RIGHT NOW -especially in other countries-that is not the case. What do we do with the children right now?

     What do I do? Vote. Write to my reps. Give to charity. Work with troubled youth. (That is charity. With a master's degree, I qualify for food stamps without my hubby's salary.)

Read my post again Tobit. I said birth mothers who made an adoption plan were BETTER educated and had HIGHER IQs than those who didn't follow thru with the plan. Also, I tried to maintain contact with the birth mother. She refused me. Instead of being so confrontational, you anti-adoption people could help us adoptive parents do what is best for our children. Instead you just alienate us and thus cause us to think that EVERYTHING you say must be wrong. Fortunately, I have done enough independent research to know what aspects of what you say is right and what is just garbage.

One more thing. I am what is known as a "preferiental adopter"-I am not infertile and I have biological children. I did not adopt "the perfect, White baby" either-never tried to. My husband and I only wanted to adopt a child that needed a home and we knew that these children had no difficulty in that area. Our daughter had already been in 2 foster homes although she was still only a baby and her experienced foster mother had already expressed concern about attachment. As a result, we did co-sleeping, she was in a sling, front carrier, or back pack, skin to skin feedings, and so on. We've also exposed her to her culture and as the literature advises to multiple other cultures as well. We tolerate no intolerence in our household or in our presence.

Thank you Tobit. I am sorry I went off on you. It just seems that there is only extremes here on the adoption forum and I just don't think that is the case. I really think most adoptive parents want to do what is the best and although I agree the system is flawed (fatally in the long run), right now it is all there is. As such I would hope that those who have experience (adoptees and birth parents) would help us adoptive parents and not alienate us. Also, I disagree that all birth parents were duped. I think some made intelligent well considered choices and to deny this is to insult them. I understand how this might concern some adoptees but others do view it as an act of love.

Answer 2

Very good question.  I am adopted too.  But I do not regret being adopted.  I wish I knew my birth parents one day.  Everybody that is adopted want to know who their parents are they want to know their roots.  They want to know who they are.

Answer 3

Hard to get into the minds of certain people.  Maybe they had experiences in the past -- maybe they had to give up a child due to certain circumstances and have regrets.   Maybe they believe that any parent who would give a child up for adoption only does so for due to money reasons and feel that love is more important.  In overseas cases some people feel their country is losing its future by giving up its kids to foreigners.  The wife of Edward Shevardnadze, the President of Georgia (former Soviet republiic) once said something to the effect that it would be better for kids to die in orphanages than to leave the country.  

It is a mean spirited way of thinking -- who knows what goes on in the minds of these people?    They are best ignored.

The good news is that it is easy to ignore these people as they are outnumbered -- the vast majority of people are pro-adoption.  I have 3 adopted kids and have never encountered any hostility in the 10 years they've been with us.

Answer 4

Who, exactly, are you referring to? Most people on here are pro-reform, not anti-adoption.

And I don't blame adoptive parents in general for anything. They get brainwashed by adoption propaganda just like us first moms do. What's frustrating is that some potential adoptive parents and adoptive parents don't want to hear the truth of some of our stories. But some do listen (THANK YOU to those who do!) and then make an effort to adopt in the most ethical manner possible. Which is fabulous, and that is all I really ask of them--if you're going to adopt, do it ethically.

I honestly think some adoptive parents get too defensive and take it too personally when some of us criticize the INDUSTRY. As for the adoptive parents who do get personally criticized... it seems to be for very specific reasons (such as trolling the Internet for a pregnant mom to give them her baby, or such as dishonoring their adoptees or their adoptees' other families). I really think very few people blame adoptive parents as a whole for anything.

I do wish all adoptive parents would wake up from the propaganda/brainwashing, though, and choose to put their money into ethical agencies.

Answer 5

I feel once you give up your child, your rights are given up as well.

Answer 6

Can you elaborate a bit. Not trying to be argumentative but I never realised that people blamed adoptive parents for anything... what exactly are you talking about?

Answer 7

Hi Snickett,

Let's look at your question more closely:

"Why do people who are anti-adoption" -

This part needs some clarification.  Instead of anti-adoption, let's say there are people who would like to see improvements made to the system.  Mostly they are comprised of adult adoptees themselves or natural mothers.  They are very well qualified to address the specific components of the system that need changes because they have lived it.  They are advocates for the children.  They want something better for the children.  On the other hand, the people who want the system to stay exactly how it is, or regress back many decades to when adoption practices were more inhumane, are generally comprised of people who have adopted or people who would like to adopt.  They are advocates for themselves.

"Believe that all the rights should be retained by the birth parents" -  

Legally what occurs is natural mothers sign relinquishment papers.  That means they agree not to PARENT the child.  That's all.  Parenting ends when the child is 18.  It does not mean they agree to never have any contact with their child ever again.  The child clearly benefits from contact of some sort with their natural families, whether it be visits, pictures, letters, or some form of acknowledgement.  The adoptive parents who recognize this fact and are not threatened by it, will ultimately have the best relationships with their adopted children.  The adoptive parents who try to deny the very existence of the first families are doing their adopted children and themselves a great disservice.  Signing papers does not mean then that the adoptive parents gave birth to any child, regardless of what that amended birth certificate states.

"After all, THEY were the ones who chose to give their child away" -

Understand that adoption is quite complex.  Contrary to what many adopters may want to believe, adoption is not a choice any natural mother makes lightly.  Natural mothers DO love their children.  It is most times not what she would have wanted to do had she had the support and means to provide for her child, she would have.  And yes, coercion and deception are still alive & well today.  Natural mothers should not be viewed as uncaring, disposable incubators that grew a baby just for you & now they need to cease to exist.  The pain of adoption is permanent.  They do not just "go on with their lives and forget" as previous generations of social workers told them would happen.  There is a strong and real bond between a mother and a child that needs to be recognized and honored for the child to truly grow up to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.  Respect the child's first family & you are respecting the child.

"Why do people blame the adoptive parents for everything?" -

While I don't believe adoptive parents are to blame for everything, (there are plenty of reasons to point fingers at the govt. & at those who make a living off of the adoption industry as well)  I do believe the answer to this part is because adoptive parents have the ability to become the catalysts for change in the adoption system.  They are the ones with the power who generally make the choices as to where they adopt, how they adopt, & who they adopt.  That has a huge impact upon the results of people's lives.  However, some adoptive parents still view adopting a child as a service that is there to meet their own needs so they choose not to change anything about the system regardless of how others, including the children they adopt, could benefit from that.

Thanks for asking & I hope that answers your question.

julie

reunited adoptee

Khaz, Children are not property that anybody "owns."  As any adoptee will tell you that statement is offensive.  Parents have custody of children, raise them & make decisions on their behalf.  When natural mothers remain in their child's lives, they know they do not make those decisions.  Children need love.  There can never be too much of that to go around.

Answer 8

VERY very good question.

Answer 9

I think honestly that both sides of this thing have some slightly warped views on "the best interest of the child" I think that sometimes the adoptive parents confuse their right and their happiness with what is best for the child and on the other hand I do believe that those labled "anti-adoption" confuse what makes the birth mom happy and her right again with what is best for the child. It is very sad to say but I have seen a lot of people screaming "the best interest of the child" on here all the while really spouting what is in their best interest. I have seen adoptive parents saying that when in reality it is in their best intererest to stop communication with the birth mother. I have also seen a lot of adult adoptee's screaming the same thing but theirs is a combonation of a bad childhood and a dream that had they remained with their mother life would have been better. It is really hard to say what is best for the child when everyone of us comes with our own baggage and issues. the best we can hope for is that people realize that we are human and flawed and see that our mistakes were made out of love for the child in question.

Answer 10

Correct.. i work at Child safety and my belief is the moment the parents sign that legal paper they have no ownership of that child anymore as they are the one that made the choice to give him/her away.... its a serious matter and its not something you can say: "oh! i gave my child away 10 years ago and now i him/her back!!" thats rediculous..

Answer 11

because not all of them chose to. some like my mother were forced to. It's these screwed up organizations like the NCFA that make people think that all of our parents didn't want us, then they brain wash people into thinking we're happy about it because we don't know anything as babys (load of c**p), and then the government screws us over by not doing their jobs and worrying more about profit then they do about us and some of us including me end up in abusive homes.

If you look at the people that are anti adoption and truely pay attention, you will see that most of these people are adoptees. some of them came from happy homes but never connected to their adoptive parents because the system said they didn't need any theropy when a lot of them were just internalizing, and some of them grew up in a crappy home where they were just forgotten about.

it amazes me that the NCFA can tell people how my life is and say that theorist are the only ones that believe that children adopted from birth have problems, when i'm the one living my life. and so are thousands of us that go to these adult adoption web sites just for some type of support, any type of support.

Why do people that have never lived the way we live, only believe the "professionals" when non of them have been in our shoes. Don't you think we should know? sense we are the ones living it? then we get told we're ungreatful when we're not happy. maybe we would have had a chance to be happy if these organizations would stop ignoring the majority of us? it is always easier to ignore the problem instead of fixing it.

If you don't believe me research it yourself. we make up about 1 percent of the population and about 30 to 40 percent of the juvinile system, the jails, and the psych wards. how happy could we really be? but they'll never give you that information.

Khaz D: No one OWNES us. we are not property of anyone. the whole problem with the adoption system is it makes people feel like they're in a market place picking fuit. I AM NO ONES PROPERTY.

Answer 12

im not anti - adoption.

i think its great that someone would actually be prepared to go through the whole process of being pregnant for nine months and giving life a chance over say for eg: abortion

and then after doin so and making possibly the ultimate sacrifice and offering the child to a home where there would be love and the oppurtunity of a better life.

but dont you think if a person has been willing to go through the process of carrying a child for nine months and enduring the child birth that they should be entitled to a some rights??

there obviously has to be a balance.

btw... making the decision to "give the child away" could not be as easy as it may sound to some.

Answer 13

Most of the anti-adoption (and you know, most people here who are labeled anti adoption aren't really completely anti adoption. We're mostly adoption-as-a-last-resort and pro-adoptee rights) people I know aren't anti-aparent or anti-first parent. I can really only speak for myself, but I just believe that pregnant women shouldn't be coerced into giving up their babies, not that all first mothers are saints who can do no wrong. I, and many other adoptees I know, love and respect our aparents very much, its not about hating them or hating someone just because they adopted a child. Its the prevailing ignorance and entitlement displayed by many that grates. Am I calling all aparents ignorant and entitled? No, I am an aparent and I don't think I am either. However the people out there who want a baby at any cost, who don't care if the first mother wanted to keep the baby, or if she was convinced to give the baby up because they said she couldn't give it a good life when she really could've, who don't care about the pain the child will endure, the people who don't care about any of that, they just want a baby, they are the ones who are responsible for the billion dollar industry that satisfies the demand. If aparents demanded ethical adoptions, demanded open records for their children, demanded that only a child who TRULY could not be raised by their mother or another family member be placed with them, you would not have the horrible monster adoption is today. If people first gave aid to countries in need so that the parents could keep their children instead of allowing the situation in which they have to give up their children to continue and making a business out of the adoption of their children, the world would be a better place.  I wish people would see us not as anti-aparent or anti-adoption but as pro-ethics, pro-family preserving, pro-adoptee rights, pro-reform. If all adoptions were ethical, there would be less first moms changing their minds, less angry and hurt adoptees, less tormented first parents, less fathers who contest the adoptions, it would be better for everyone involved, aparents included!