Why do people whom give up their baby for adoption think that they can find them later on in life?

Question

Isn't that very selfish? If you want to be a parent to your child, then parent them. But isn't it wrong to give them away to be raised by loving parents, then expect to have a right to be in their life at a later stage?

My friend is currently making an adoption plan for her baby, and she wants the parents to talk about her as Mommy to the child, and tell the child that Mommy will always be there for her when the child is older. Don't you think this woman should not be giving away the baby, as she will cause a lot of distress to the child and her future parents?

Answer 1

As an adopted child, I always considered my adoptive parents my real parents and never my biological parents. I always knew I was adopted and knew that I had the choice when I was 18 to know them if I wanted to, not if they wanted to. I am glad that my situation was like this (a closed adoption) because I think an open adoption would be confusing. I don't think the child should call the biological mom "mommy." I have now met my biological parents and though I will always be a daughter to them, they will never be mom and dad to me because I already have a mom and dad.  Sorry if I rambled, hope it helped.

Answer 2

ok i was adopted by my grandpa so yeah anyway it isnt wrong if you think someone wants a baby more then you and can care and love it more then you arent you suppost to what what is best for your baby even if you dont what to give it up it is hard for every parent to give away their child in a way but it is probably for the best

Answer 3

Not knowing the circumstances I hate to judge.  First off, it can be looked at in a selfless light.  If she cannot give the child the life that an adoptive parent can, then she is giving the child the opportunity to have more than her.   Secondly, at least she is not opting to abort a life that someone that is unable to have children the opportunity to parent.  I can understand wanting to make sure that a child that you bonded with for 9 months is doing well as an adult.  IMHO

Answer 4

open adoption is a good option for some people . it is up to the three of them if it is right for them  ;not your business

Answer 5

This is a very difficult question to answer.  I thank god every day for people who give there child up for adoption that can not take care of them and want a better life for them, after all that is how I got my son.  However I am still a little confused on weateher I want my son to meet his birth parents later on in life.  Of course it will be his discussion and I will except it when the time comes.  However I do believe that if they are drug addicts and stuff like that later on then they should not try to contact the child.  I think it should be up the child to decided weather or not they want to seek out there birth parents which I think most of them do sometime or another to get some questions answered for themselves.

Answer 6

I agree, if there is to be a connection later in life it should be up to the adopted child, who by then should be over 18 and able to make his or her own mind.

Answer 7

I don't think its selfish. I think it best on both sides. That child is always going to wonder who his/her natural parents are and it makes it easier if they never have to search. and its better for the mom to feel like they can be in the childs life that way. She still wants to know her biological child but knows she can't give the baby what it deserves and the least she should get is a few visits. I've read alot about adoption and people in open adoptions have seemed much more happier all around with it.

Answer 8

I think you need to figure out a way to support your friend in what she is dealing with right now and get over your own judgement about what kinds of rights she should have. The law, first of all, is completely on her side. Adoptions are set up so that when the child is an adult, they have the right to search out their birthparents. I'm sure your friend is going through a very difficult time and why do you find it necessary to assume she's being wrong in her feelings and her plans? Why don't you leave that up to her and the adoptive parents to work out together? And why don't you see it within yourself to allow her to have any relationship she then wants to work out and not put your own uneducated and insensitive opinion on her? Has she gotten any counseling about this issue? Is she working with a reputable agency? Has she decided on her own that giving her up her child is how she wants to proceed or is there a lot of pressure on her to do so? She needs time and support to work out her feelings and come to terms with her decisions. She needs to be able to decide for herself what to do after she has been informed about all her options and worked through how she feels.

I personally think a child needs to have one set of parents and only one set of parents. I talk with my adopted children about their families of origin and I refer to them as birthmother and birthfather so there is no confusion (at least in the language) as to who the mom and dad are. But those are also just words. I don't think a woman should keep her baby just because she wants them to call her mommy. I think it sounds like a symptom of some issues to work out and not necessarily a sign that she should keep her child if she knows that's not the best thing.

Answer 9

No, there are lot's of reasons why mothers can't look after their own babies. Say for example the mother feels too young at sixteen to be able to give the baby the love and support it needs but at twenty-eight when she has had eighteen years to mature why should she not have the right to know her child. Let the child decide if they want to see their mother not the adoptive parents who are most likely to say 'no'.

Answer 10

I don't think it's selfish in all circumstances.  See some parents (not sure if this is the case with your friend) just aren't able to take care if their child and by giving the child up for adoption in order to hopefully give the child a better life is very UNselfish.  I think as long as the adoptive parents agree, it could be a very good thing to help the child understand the difference and the biologocal parent did it for their best well-being.  They taught us in our adoption classes (husband and I are working with DSS to adopt) that it can actually be very helpful to a child to have a parent in their life one way or another or at the very least have a picture of them.  Most likely the child will eventually know they are adopted and ask questions so maybe having the biological parent in their life may make it easier to understand.  Kids are smart and will know the difference in parents.

Answer 11

Many mothers give their children up for adoption out of love. They know they can't afford to raise them. But that same love grieves the loss. There is such a stigma attached to adoption that they don't want the child to think it wasn't loved.

Often the child searches because they need to know that they weren't just thrown away. Adoption is one of the hardest but most loving thing a mother can do if she knows she's incapable of giving the child all it needs.

Most of the stress is on the adopted parents because of the fear of losing the child. It takes a really huge heart to adopt a child knowing someone else could come in the pic later and take some of their love.

But now most state agencies tell the parents they have to tell the child he's adopted by 5 or 6 because of all the mental problems it can cause him later.

Once a sibling is 18 he can get the adoption agency to contact the adopted child. So if that happened they'd still find out.

There are just so many variables. But keeping a child you can't properly care for is what's really wrong. You should support your friend, not judge her.

Answer 12

OK, first of all, the adoptive parents aren't doing anyone a favor.  They are adopting a child to fulfill their own wants and needs in addition to giving the baby a loving home.

Second of all, the birth parents aren't selfish to desire to know their own child.  Yes, they put their baby up for adoption for whatever reason, but that child is still their flesh and blood, and it's only natural that they would want their child to know that they love them.

Lastly, and most importantly, it's important to the child to allow them to have a relationship with their birth parent.  I can speak from the perspective of the adopted child, since I myself was adopted at birth.  It is very devastating as a child to think you were just given away and that maybe your birth parents didn't love you.  This can have lifelong repercussions, I am now grown and am just starting to be able to heal this wound, and that's only by being in contact with and talking to my birth mother.  

I don't know if I would recommend calling the birth mother "Mommy", because this maybe would be confusing to a child, but I think it could be really good for a child's mental health to have some contact with their birth mother and/or father throughout growing up.  

Imo the most important person in the triad is the child, because they are the most vulnerable and have absolutely no say in what's happening to them or understanding as to why.  The child's needs should come above everyone else.