Why do people with issues concerning thier own adoption use our questions as a forum for airing their problems

Question

I'm tired of being attacked by people who have issues with having been adopted when asking a question about something that has nothing to do with their particular circumstance.

Anyone else experienced this?

Answer 1

Amen.  Try not to take it personally.

Answer 2

From what I see, this is only your second question in the adoption forum.  Your first question asked for people's experience with surrogacy.  Since you were asking for people's experience they gave you what they knew.  I guess you only wanted positive experiences?

Cruzgirl - your answer here seems hypocritical.  Often you answer questions expressing your personal experience working in a hospital.  That experience sometimes casts a poor light on natural moms.  Why the double standard?

Answer 3

Tough

People are just looking out for the CHILD

Fancy that - Adopted people answering questions in an adoption section !    outrageous isn't it ppppffffffttttt.

Answer 4

I hear a lot of adopted people (and others, too) talking about the problems with adoption as practiced in the U.S.  They have problems with some of the laws that discriminate against adopted persons and with corrupt agencies.  

Ang B.--

How does having a problem with the institute of adoption itself, along with it's practice and laws in the U.S., have anything whatsoever to do with one's "adoption experience?"  The two aren't even related.  You're missing the point.

Answer 5

I have seen this too, in the short time I have been a member here.

I feel so sad that they had such a bad adoption experience.  I can only hope that the child we someday adopt from Russia will know that she is loved, and won't feel that adoption was such a horrible thing.  After all, it will make us a family, and is that such a terrible thing?

Answer 6

Hi Mom of 4,

I have not seen anyone attacking you here.  Yes, there are people pointing out ways for APs to be better parents, particularly when asked to do so.  Yes, there are people pointing out how the adoption system can be improved to better serve the child, for whom adoption is meant to serve.  

I will try to explain.  Unlike the typical AP forums, with this style of forum, you will see responses from all points of view, nobody is censored out.  This might be new for many who have only sought information from other sources before. That is what also makes it more educational for those who really want to know about the topic of adoption.  It's a complex subject involving more than just shopping for babies.  You are going to see answers that reflect more too.  If it sounds negative to you, then maybe you are seeing a side to adoption you did not know existed.  That's not surprising.  Adoptees have often been discouraged from speaking their true feelings.  The industry is well-versed at presenting adoption as win-win-win for all.  That's not reality.  

One would think that the purpose of posing questions would be to seek new information in order to gain greater understanding.  Adoptees are perfectly qualified to respond as they have lived adoption their entire lives.  They have vast experience with it!  Whether others are receptive to that information varies.  You might ask yourself why you are not open to information from adoptees.  Many APs and PAPs have said they have learned so much here on this forum once they started reading and really listening.

When you say "people with issues concerning their own adoption," do you not see that those are also issues with adoption in general?  By not talking about issues, we cannot move forward and improve the system.  Education is paramount.  We, the adult adoptees, are advocates for the future adoptees.  We want them to have better experiences with adoption.  That cannot happen if nobody speaks up.  Awareness is always the first step.  Certainly you wish for your adopted child to benefit as well, don't you?

If you do not feel something in particular is helpful for you, then you are free to move on.  It still may help someone else.  Before you dismiss any particular post though, you really should read them with open minds and see what the poster is saying, especially the ones from adoptees.  There is value in what is being said whether you can see it or not.

I hope this explanation is helpful to you. (Or to someone else reading this.)  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 7

I agree with you.  I have felt this and I will get a 'truckload" of thumbs down for being honest.  

There are those who feel that if you are not '"enlightened" as they are that you are ignorant.  They like to analyze and make judgements about your own journey because it hasn't ended up in the same place as theirs has. However,  I have to admit that I have learned a lot, and part of what this forum is about is hearing different and conflicting views.

But, I agree with you. When a question is asked that does not pertain to someone they should not use it as an excuse to chime in with disrespectful remarks. For instance, if someone asks "how long does it take to adopt?"  is it really necessary for anti-adoption people to chime in with rude remarks?  If you are not for adoption just don't answer the question.  Many times people are looking for facts and they are bombarded with opinions that don't even relate to the questions.

Anyway, keep speaking up.  Your voice is important.

Tobit-because the issue isn't whether or not you shed a negative or positive light on something. If you are speaking from experience than fine.  Say what you want.  The issue in this question is contributing to a question which has nothing to do with a person's experience.  I have never answered a question about "reform activities or gatherings"  or "foster care"  or legal issues of adopting because I don't know enough about these issues.  I think this is what this person is talking about.  In the case of my answering questions from working in a hospital with pregnant women,  I think that is relevant to questions about pregnant women or new mothers.

Answer 8

I haven't, myself.  

I do see a lot of adoptees who have problems with ADOPTION ITSELF, not their particular circumstances, trying to educate people about problems with ADOPTION ITSELF.  

Unless you are committed to the myth that adoption is all sunshine and rainbows without any complications, I don't think you should feel attacked on here.

Answer 9

I guess I would have to see an example of what you mean. The posts that I have seen don't seem like attacks to me. I think that people who have been adopted are the best sources of information as to what it's really like.  Everyones experience is different, but there are a lot of similarities too. I think that we (adopted people) just want to make sure that people are aware of the issues that can arise from adoption.  We want to make sure that people understand the psychological issues.  If you asked my parents if adoption affected me they would probably say no, not really.  The truth is I hid a lot of my emotional problems and negative feelings from them because I didn't want to upset them. It wasn't their fault.  In fact, up until this year, if  you had asked me that I would have said no.  I have spent most of my life trying to be "normal" and fit in. I wasn't going to point out to my parents or anyone else that I was "different".  I want all of the people who say they know someone who is adopted and they say it hasn't affected them and their experience has been totally positive to think of that.  Sometimes the emotions just haven't come to the surface, sometimes they are protecting their adopted family. Most of the time, we just want to fit in.

Attacking, no. I think that adoptees are educating people so that they can be more open and aware.  This is not a fairy tale, this is real life. Would you have chosen to be taken from your biological parents and given to strangers to raise? I don't think so.

You also have to keep in mind that most of the adoptees who are answering questions on here were adopted in the 60's and 70's when everything was about secrecy and lies. Open adoption is a relatively new thing and we will see how that turns out. My records are sealed away somewhere. I don't know my medical history.  A couple of years ago I had a tumor on my ovary.  Hereditary? Probably. I wonder what else I have to look forward to.

It is not easy to live without knowing your history.  I think DMC said it best when he said that you "never start a book from Chapter Two".  Please have patience for the people who are struggling to find out what Chapter One was about.

Answer 10

Ah ....so them answering questions with their own experiences or opinions makes it a forum for airing their problems? Interesting line of thinking.. Very narrow  line of thinking but..

Yes.. I have experienced this I asked a question and my question was flat out deleted because of peoples personal issues. Getting an answer is the process of gathering info and making a decision based on that info. If you don't want both sides of the coin then why ask the question... It would appear you already have your answer before hearing all the facts...

Answer 11

Yeah, I wish they would just shut up and be grateful like they're supposed to.

Answer 12

why don't you ignore them, then. I mean some people may of had a negative experince with their adoption, that doesn't make them bad people. I welcome such views! I think it helps me have a well rounded view when i hear both the positive and negative stories to adoption. I may disagree with what some have to say, but I'm not going to disrespect them.

Answer 13

tired of being attacked?  how long have you been here and where did the alleged "attack" take place.

Answer 14

So you don't like "adopted people" but you like adoption.

How does that work?

Answer 15

Hmmmm...why, oh why?  Using "our" questions...really?  I didn't realize that we were only restricted to answering our own "adoptee" questions, but now that I know my place as a good little adoptee, I will stay away from "your" questions.

I'm sorry if our lives as adoptees offend your sensibilities. Is it making it too difficult for you to hold on to the fantasy of the perfect adoption?  SO sorry that actual adoptees are daring to speak up about the things that are not so wonderful about being adopted.  How dare we?

Answer 16

You can't ask a question about "what people have experianced" and then 1. say it didn't pertain to them (how could it not when they are the ones living it) and 2. get mad because they answered it.

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. if all adoptees were happy then don't you think you would get nothing but happy responses? the truth hurts so if you don't want to hear it then don't ask. if you want the truth then stop getting mad because your getting it. YOU ASKED.

Answer 17

Give me an example, please.

Perhaps some people are just so frustrated at not knowing the truth that they need to vent wherever and whenever they can.  My son and youngest grandson have medical issues and I know nothing about my medical history.  It sucks.  

I have no problem with adoption, only with the lies.

Answer 18

Newsflash:  My aparents wanted their own children, they then settled for adoption.  My nmother wasn't allowed in the 1960's to keep me as an unmarried woman--but I was wanted.  Please stop whitewashing adoption!  It IS and always has been about people cutting their losses.

There are LOADS of sites where you can have your fantasies nurtured.  Why struggle here?! Adult adoptees are not allowed to 'whine' about growing up adopted, but we're supposed to soothe your feelings?

Gimme a break.