Why do significant others fail to see thier part in the breakup of a relationship?

Question

I had my husband served with divorce papers last week and he has done nothing but convince his family and try to convince mine that he is a saint!! We both had our faults, but he was a controlling and emotionally abusive husband and while I take responsibility for the downfalls of our marraige that I contributed to, he refuses to see his responsibility at all!!! What gives?

Answer 1

Most people do convince themselves & others that they are 100% right & the other person is c**p.  It's entirely too common.  I always admit to my faults, I apologize if I think I was wrong.  I've never had a partner that did that in return.  It's very rare for a man especially to be humble.

Answer 2

In your case, the problem is he has a personality disorder. People who are controlling and abusive (emotionally or otherwise) simply CANNOT admit that they made a mistake, and MUST be "the good guy" who has been "done wrong" in the eyes of society (and especially those close to them, such as family members and coworkers).

Chances are good that those close people see the truth for what it is, and choose not to confront him, because not rocking his boat makes their lives easier (they really don't care to get into the who's right tug of war with him because it creates stress and frustration in their lives).

I'm sure your family will totally understand your situation - take some time to sit down and talk to them about it, then consider the subject closed.

Hang in there - it's a real wringer to go thru a divorce from this type of person. Be prepared for him to do ANYTHING to win you back (because a divorce is a personal failure in his eyes, and he doesn't take failing well). Don't fall into the traps!

Also, be prepared for him to lie smoothly and undetectably to the court and attorneys. A paper trail will speak to the facts if you need to prove anything in court (and, as a word of personal advice, avoid becoming emotional in court while he stays cool and collected. It's a controller's favorite trick, and one that makes the emotional person look like the one who is the real "problem person").

Answer 3

I agree with answer 3.... it is much easier to place blame and say 'well this person did this!' Rather than to look inside of yourself, open up yourself and look within and admit your faults...admit your wrongs... Admitting that something is not right with you is very hard for a lot of people. Sometimes we don't always realize we should do that... and Also it takes someone mature to do that. To take responsibility for your own actions is a very adult thing and lets face it, alot of adults aren't very grown up.

But you can't worry about him. If you can look at the situation from an outsiders point of view and see your faults in this as well, then be thankful. Because he, on the other hand, isn't seeing his input in this relationship...he thinks he is just fine...but do you really think he is a happy person? Most likely not. So, he isn't happy with himself most likely and he can't grow up and see his faults... So how successful of any relationship do you think he'll ever have? Its too bad for him... but you on the other hand are going to get through this and be okay.

I know its frustrating dealing with a person like this, in ways, I can truley relate - regarding my 30 year old ex boyfriend who at his age you would think can be responsible for his own actions.

I hope you can take a healing breath in, and exhale all the bad thoughts and c**p you've dealt with. Its just no use trying to convince someone of what they've also done wrong and its frustrating when you're able to admit your part in it... Face it, you're the bigger person here. I hope you eventually meet someone who is as much of an adult and you don't have to deal with this again.... but the way he chooses not to deal with things, he can never have a truley happy relationship until he looks inside himself and faces his issues

Answer 4

He would have to face his own demons and admit that he's not perfect. Some people can do that, some can't. It sounds like he's not one who is willing to accept his share of the responsibility for the break up. It takes a mature person to realize that  they have faults and he doesn't sound that grown up. If he was, he wouldn't be so busy trying to place blame and convince others of what a good guy he is.

Answer 5

If he takes responsibility for his part then he has to be responsible and he wants his family to take his side and feel sorry for him. The sad thing is that even though he is wrong here most families will be for him anyway but he wants you to take all the blame for the downfall and make you look bad to them. Don't take it personal from his family and know this is more about him than you. The family will probably give their loyalty to him so forget the ones that do because when you move on it means you are moving away from them to. When he eventually brings another woman in his life most will avoid you anyway so that the new person feels she fits in and then will connect with them as a couple. If children are involved they more than likely will connect with them from your ex to be and usually that is the way it goes. The whole circle changes for everyone when you are only in their life because he connected you to them. Often it is not worth the problems to remain the best of friends with any of them because when you find someone else your new partner may be uncomfortable with the situation. In all honesty when it's over it's over and you just start a new life and leave it all behind you because you are not family any longer. Just stay away from the scenario and the drama he is creating because you don't need the added stress. I've been there when I divorced my husband and now am remarried and have dealt with it all sweetie. Take care and the best of luck to you.

Answer 6

Because it's so much easier to put the blame on the other person than admit fault within yourself.

Answer 7

My estranged husband is the same.He was also controlling and emotionally abusive and would never apologise if he was in the wrong where as I would.Once he lost a parking ticket in a car park and went ballistic with me swearing etc even though we both knew he had it and lost it..However he was like that all through the marriage so as My Mum said he is hardly gonna change now! His family of course took his side even though they had often comented on how difficult he was. Families usually do support their own though when push comes to shove so  fair enough.I just have had to come to terms with that and be glad I am no longer living with him.

Answer 8

There is nothing you can do. he's a loser. If he convinces the president that he's a saint won't make any difference. You now who and how he is and he has to face and deal with you in your divorce. Believe me his family know him they might seem to believe him but they too know he a loser.

Good Luck