Why do so daughter-in-laws always dislike their mother-in-laws?

Question

I really don't understand it. I have talked to my friends who have daughter in laws or soon to be daughter in laws and they all have the same story: their daughter-in-laws can't stand them. These girls go out of their way to exclude their mother-in-law from family events, wedding planning and their grandchildren's lives. These DILS also don't go to the family events on their husband's side of the family, but they never miss their own family events. And then many of them think their own mothers are way better than those of their husbands or fiances and treat them like dirt. I and my friends, even the ones who had the worst MILS, were never rude like this. We were always gracious. My own FDIL barely stays in the same room with me when I visit and if she is there, finds a reason to leave as soon as possible. I wish someone could tell me how in one generation, this happened. Not all DIL and FDILS are like this, but it seems to me, many are!

Answer 1

It's a power struggle.  Boys are typically a momma's boy or so we mom's like to think.    When the other woman comes into the picture and is now the finance' it's difficult for us moms to accept the fact that he now has some one else that will take care of him when he's hungry, sick or just wants to talk.  For the DIL - she knows she has to prove to every one that she is just as good as the mom at what the mutually loved and adored individual needs and wants.  

I don't think it's hate, I just think it's nature's way of helping the boy/man to break away or cut the apron strings as they say.

Answer 2

I wouldn't put all the blame on her or all other daughter in laws.The mother in laws have their part in in too.I don't hate my mil,but she can be a little too much sometimes.Most mil's don't seem to understand that their "babies" aren't babies anymore.They don't have to (or need to) be involved in every aspect of their lives anymore.I don't mean they shouldn't be in it at all,but they do need to know there has to be boundries.Most mil's tend to butt in family affairs,put their 2 cents in where it isn't wanted or needed,try to tell the dil's how to do things or what they are doing wrong-whether it be how they run their house,how they are with spouse or how to do with their children,Being too clingy,etc..Just to name a few.My mil is clingy and ecspected us to be best friends or something.I am not even that close to my own mother so that wasn't realistic.She tends to be too clingy to her son and doesn't realize that he is an adult & doesn't need her input on our lives and desicions and she tends to be way to clingy to our son.Now dont get me wrong,I love that he has a grandmother that loves him and would go out of her way to help and take care of him,but she isn't mommy and should try to be.A lot of mils do that.I am not sure if they realize it or not,but they do try to take over.Bottom line,sometimes the mil asks for it.Not always but I have seen it a lot.In a lot of cases,the dil & mil just do not have good chemistry and will never get along.But as long as you aren't doing the things I mentioned and you treat her well,who knows-it might get better.

ETA-I reread some of your q too.I can completely understand her not going to her hubbys family things if he doesn't go.I do that myself.And yes I do go to mine without him because they are my family.Now some families have things on the same day and sometimes they have to choose which one to go to.I dont think that it should be the same one every time though.Some of that too could be the sons doing.If she decides where they are going and he doesn't disagree,he might not like going to his own family functions.But I do think that things like that should be agreed on by son & dil and,whether anyone likes it or not,only them.And also a lot of dils are closer to their own mothers.That is just life you have to accept it.Unless the mil has done soemthing to her or is overbearing though,she should try to at least be civil even if she does not like her.

Answer 3

Well you know by my other answers to your questions that I couldn't agree more.  My daughter-in-law flat out told me she was jealous of me.  I welcomed her with open arms and she refused me at every turn no matter how nice I was.  

I finally stopped trying so hard.  I was tired of being the one to be nice and buy little special gifts.  I tried like heck to help with everything from cooking meals to cleaning house and doing laundry when she was having a difficult pregnancy.  I had birthday dinners for her and did every possible nice thing I could to win her heart.  

It is now 5 years later and things are wonderful and she has even apologized for the way she treated me. She finally realized she had nothing to be jealous of.   It wasn't until I finally gave up that things turned around.  I now have another grandchild and things are great.  I am so thankful!  It's wonderful to have a relationship with her that I always wanted.  

I guess I would say just be as nice and cordial as you can.  Invite them to dinner now and again and always keep in touch with your son to some extent.  PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.   Sometimes I think they forget we are moms too.  They see us as competition and for some reason totally forget we are moms with the same hearts and feelings as their own mom.  Their hubby's become "their" property and they forget they are still sons, brother, cousins, uncles, friends, ect. to others.

I get so disgusted with all the do good daughter-in-law's that refuse to see any fault in themselves.  Sometimes I think they are just looking for trouble to justify their actions.  

Answer 4

IDK, I have a great relationship with my mil. Some woman are just too pety?

Answer 5

some daughter-in-laws think that their mother-in-law is trying to take back their son. sometimes you have to sit down with them and ask them why they dont invite or let you go with them to places.

Answer 6

I think both of then they feel insecure and jealous of the son or her husband.  Both sometimes they don't want to give way as they both high pride; but not all DIL or MIL.

Answer 7

In my opinion, it's their mother's fault. I'm 22 and my mom has always told me since I was a little girl that I need to respect my future mother in law. She told me different stories that she'd experiences with her mother in law and how she went about them by always respecting her husband's mother.

Today I have a mother in law and actually my husband and I take care of her. She is an older lady (she had my husband when she was really old) and needs help with daily routine. Sometimes, some things get me upset, but I always remember what my mom has told me, and I do my best to make my mother's in law life as easy as possible.

I do think however that my mom is a better mom but there are reasons for that. However, even though my mom is a better one, I still love and respect my MIL no matter what because if it wasn't for her, I would never be with the love of my life.  

Answer 8

There is a lot of truth to the stereotype of MILS being unpleasant, judgemental old crones. I have rarely heard of a pleasant, caring mother in law and daughter in law relationship and it makes sense. Both women are a generation apart, are completely different and have been raised differently. Both are strangers. A DIL has her own family of origin that she will always be more involved with and feel closer ties to than that of her hubby's family. And then there are kids. Women naturally turn to their mother when they have kids. Studies show maternal grandparents are more involved with grandkids than paternal ones. That is just how it goes.

Answer 9

From a daughter-in-law's perspective: I think it mostly has to do with two women struggling to fill the same position. Your daughter in law is replacing you as the dominant female influence in your son's life. She's probably nervous about filling those shoes so any criticism, negative feedback on your part makes her defensive. She's trying to find her exact place in her new life and can't with you standing in her path.

Look to your own actions and reactions. Be honest. Have you tried to overrule her in decision making when it comes to her child(ren) or her husband?(ie. she says the child can't have chocolate and you give it to him/her anyway....) Have the words, "Well, this is the way I do it." or "You're doing it wrong." ever escaped your lips? Have you used your power as your son's mother to convince him that his wife is wrong? If so, then you know exactly why she doesn't like you.

I can tell that by this post, you are blaming her for your rocky relationship. I think you haven't taken the time to examine your own role in this miscommunication....

Answer 10

Good and bad on both sides.  My mother in law was a good friend we tap danced together every week and went to the flicks together.  Then her son my husband had an affair and we have never spoken again even though I was willing to have him back.  Like I say daughter in laws not all bad.

Answer 11

I not sure what to suggest other than find some common ground, take time to get to know her, invite her out alone form a kind of bond.