Why do so many Ap's and Pap's wish for someone to place their child up for adoption?

Question

Why has adoption been allowed to lead to this and what are these people thinking?

Do these people even think about that damage adoption causes the mother and the child?

I know there are some children that need to be taken care of because of abuse and neglect so that's not what I'm getting at and is not the issue.

I'm talking about the people that are looking for healthy babies and young toddlers to raise as their "own" and really aren't into the "fostering thing" because they feel like they are just as some put it "caretakers" and not real moms.

Where's the morality in that?

Shouldn't they be hoping that adoption isn't needed and support young mothers that are struggling either emotionally or financially instead of hoping that the relationship between a mother and child is destroyed for their own agenda's.

Answer 1

You are so myopic Independent.  You fail to see the great amount of good that comes from adoption.  You fail to see that that there are pregnant women out there that really do not want their children.  You fail to see that there are thousands and thousand of happy normal children that just happen to be adopted.

Sorry if that doesn't fit your world view.  I believe it takes a special kind of person to adopt another person and raise it as their own.  There are people that take children that have been abused, abandoned, conceived in rape, exposed to drugs, lived in orphanages, have deformities, or just flat unwanted or are inconvenient, etc. etc.  How can you not see the morality in that?  

For some reason you are deluded to believe that all it takes is for someone to take the mother under their wing and give her a little support.  Wake up.  That's a nice idea, and there is plenty of support out there for mothers.  Even with all the support in the world there is still always going to be children who need parents.  This is the real world.  Yet to you, people that want to love these discarded and unwanted children to give them a great life is bad.  Talk about agendas.

Answer 2

[There are many who don't want someone to give up their child, but instead, want to provide a home and life for the children of those who do.]

I notice how convenient that you quickly brush over the "there are many who *don't* want someone to give up their child"... yet you scurry to the "provide a home and life."

There's more to a child than just giving her a life. There's more than just materialistic value. There's more than just giving love to a child.

In adoption, a child loses a set of parents first. For ANY adoption to occur whatsoever, a child must lose a set of parents first. This happens even BEFORE THE ADOPTION HAPPENS.

THERE IS LOSS.

The fact that a child was adopted into a nice home with the bestest, most loving set of parents ever to exist will not change the fact that that child was separated from her original mother.

Another thing I notice is that it's *always* the people who adopted a child from an abusive/neglectful family that pipe up and say "Would you rather the child have been kept with her ABUSIVE MOTHER?! Because CLEARLY your priorities are siding with the neglect/abuse just to prove your point and be self-centered."

What about the people whose child DID NOT come from an abusive/neglectful/poverty-ridden family?

I can think of lots of people whose adopted child did not come from an abusive/neglectful family. Yet they remain silent, they turn a blind eye to the conflicts that arise from the topic of adoption because they don't want to face facts that loss is always there in adoption.

Just because you don't recognize or don't WANT to recognize it doesn't make it less valid than for what it is.

Answer 3

Why do you have to make it so complicated?  There are many who don't want someone to give up their child, but instead, want to provide a home and life for the children of those who do.

Something has to come first.  Why do you always assume it's the PAP's, rather than the bparents?

ETA:  

{{{{{I notice how convenient that you quickly brush over the "there are many who *don't* want someone to give up their child"... yet you scurry to the "provide a home and life."}}}}

As compared to what, letting them linger in foster care?

Or, is it that you want me to focus on the part where the bparents didn't want their children?  That part? It wasn't a matter of not being able to take care of them.  They simply didn't want them.  No brushing over it.  I didn't WANT them to give up on their kids.  They just did.

Feel better?  

Not me.  I would rather focus on the more positive part of their beginning.  But, go ahead, just don't expect everyone to linger there with you.

Answer 4

Ok, this question is a little upsetting to me!  I am in the process of adopting my daughter.  Her birth parents are not mentally or physically equiped to take care of her.  Not all persons are able to be a MOMMY or DADDY.  Just because they can produce a child doesn't mean they can raise it.  So, remember the next time you ask a question like this, not everyone in the world is able to deal with every aspect their life can bring them.

Answer 5

From the perspective of an adoptive parent, I agree with you.

Somewhere over the years, the whole system of adoption has gone terribly wrong.  There was a time when adoption was truly a good thing.  Most of the children who were adopted before the 20th century were actual orphans, whose parents had died.   In many cases, the extended families of these children were too poor to take in another mouth to feed.  When those children were adopted, it was a good thing on both sides.  

As we all know, things have changed tremendously.   Now, there are many PAPs who feel that they have a right to a child, and how dare these young mothers and international mothers decide to keep their babies.  There are also those who have the attitude that they are doing a Christian thing by removing an international child from his culture, and from a so-called "godless" society, and giving him a priviledged life.

But I also have to confess that I was one of these "entitled" PAPs before I adopted my first child from China.   I wanted a healthy baby girl, and was thrilled to bring home my beautiful daughter at 8 months of age.  It never occurred to me at that time what it would mean for her as she grew older to grow up away from her birth family, away from her culture.   Once it DID occur to me, I did everything in my power to show her my respect for the Chinese people, and to make her understand that I was the lucky one, not her.

In an ideal world, there would be no need for adoption.....everyone would be able to keep and provide for their child, and everyone who wished to have a baby could do so.  In the meantime, all we can do to repair a broken system is to educate, educate, educate.    

And hope that some of it sinks in.

Answer 6

Hi Independant,

I think most people can't see past the nose on their own face.  A lot of pap's can only see adoption from their point of view.  They also believe in the "myths" of adoption.  You know, babies are "clean slates" so they won't remember their first parents or feel any loss.  The mothers will "get over" the pain and forget about their children.  They can always have more kids.  The last myth that more money and two parents are "better" than a poor single mother.  Where these myths started and why they are still perpetuated, idk.

Why the bond between mother and child is believed to be so strong, ummm oooops but not where adoption is concerned.  Its just crazy.

There is no morality in this way of thinking.  I couldn't agree with you more that people should be hoping that adoption isn't needed and working harder to keep children with their mothers.

**I enjoy your thought provoking questions.

Answer 7

what?

Answer 8

Pray for mothers and fathers to keep, love, and raise their own children!

In extreme circumstances where adoption becomes necessary, pray for the adoptive family to help the child heal and become whole again.

Hoping a mother will lose her baby solely because you want one is narcissistic and immoral.

Answer 9

I often see your questions and answers on here and you have stuck out in my mind. You are so bitter about adoption. I'm sure that you had a terrible experience sometime in your life that made you SO bitter, but seriously not all people are like those in your immediate circle or in your personal life. I am sure that there are women out there who prey on newborns, and look for poor people to bear there children etc etc...but certainly not the majority...there are bad people in this world...but more good than bad. I can't help but to think your veiws on this world are extremly tainted and negative. I feel sorry for whatever you have been through that has caused you to be so judgemental and have such a "everyone is evil" outlook on life. Believe it or not there are actually good people out there that have the mother giving the babies up best intentions in mind. Not everyone is a baby theif and out to prey on the poor. I think you need to open your eyes beyond your personal experiences and step into the real world. It is a lot better world then what you write/ask about. Of course you are the person that thinks it is better to just abort babies so maybe I am wasting my time even answering this questions.

Answer 10

You are a pathetic person that seriously needs counseling.  Every question you pose is for your own anti-adoption agenda.  Just because you are an unhappy person is no reason to subject everyone else to your bitterness.  Get over yourself.

Answer 11

Yes, it is wrong for someone to WISH that a mother place her child or not to be able to care for him/her. Are these people PAPs or just people looking into adoption, maybe, someday? there is a difference.

I'm also sick of the idea that children are disposible and rather than stick out the tough times, women are told that it's okay to just  place their children.

Answer 12

I think maybe it is just like a potential mother wanting to get pregnant. I truly believe that any parent is selfish in the want to have a child. If wanting anything for your self is "selfish" then I would think that this would probably be the ultimate in selfishness. But you know, not all paps want a child to be placed up for adopting...maybe they just want a child that HAS been placed up for adoption. There is a BIG difference.

Answer 13

As a PAP I have never wished for anyone to place their child for adoption.

The only thing I have ever wished for in adoption is that anyone considering it make an informed decision, in the best interest of the child.  Whether that's an expectant mom or or PAP.

Answer 14

OK- questions like this get me very upset.  I am sure that is not your intention, but let me explain why?   There are birth mothers out there that may not necessarily be abusive or neglect their babies- but for some reason they know themselves that it would be better for their child to be adopted.   My husband and I adopted 2 children at birth- both of their birth moms were wonderful women- as a matter of fact had children before ours.  We talked to them and made sure that they really wanted to place- and they knew it was best.  We would never have forced anyone to place a child with us, if we knew that the child would have been ok with the birth mom.  I also am adopted , so this is very personal with me. I can tell you that I have not experienced any damage from being adopted.  I don't think my children have either. Our son has asked many questions, and has met his birth family, however being adopted is a good thing.  What should be addressed is the number of babies that would be available for adoption  or for the birth moms to raise themselves, if they were not aborted.  4,000 a day are aborted in the USA alone.  That damages the baby, of course, by taking his/her life, and I know from counseling women, that abortion damages the women as well.

Answer 15

Because people, especially Americans, are becoming increasingly self centered. Society is becoming dependent on disposable products, and children are, you know, "products" to be sold at a profit.

Mich- Pap= Potential Adoptive Parent

           Ap= Adoptive Parent

Answer 16

As an adoptive parent, I'd love to foster/adopt another child.  The child I did adopt would have ended up in foster care if an adoption plan had not been in effect, and her other has since been taken.  Since it's my son's brother, I'm going to try to foster him until the mother can get him back, and if that's possible, adopt him.  So many children end up in the foster care system because mothers don't take care of them.  There are many resources, and many programs.  I myself have taken in SEVERAL different mothers and babies to help them.  Usually, they end up stealing from me, and it's only very rarely that a mother thanks me for the help I've tried to give them, both financially, as well as babysitting, vehicle, food, a bed to sleep in, and more.  I've been used more than once, and I've taken cussings for not babysitting over 60 hours a week, because if I'm tired on a Friday night of watching someone else's kids so they can job hunt, only to find they've been shacked up with some idiot all week, and then they want to go out on the weekend nights.  I've had kids testify in court that they wanted to live with me, even though it isn't an option (the grandmother told me, and asked me to try to adopt-at the time I wasn't able).  These mothers were collecting welfare, not working, and most of all not trying.  The kids deserve better.  I've been though my savings twice helping others, and when I didn't have anything else, I wasn't thanked, and didn't get to see the kids anymore, because they were ready to use someone else.  

Quite frankly, I'd help anyone I could, and I've helped a few that are thankful, who's kids still love me, and hug me when I see them.  These are the ones who work, who kick their addictions, and who get up of their @#$$'s to work.  The ones who are bothered by their pregnancies, and advertise that they want to give their kids up?  Yes, I want another child, and yes, I make sure that it is truly a placement for the better of the child.  I am a very moral person, and keep trying to help my son's 1st mom, who doesn't want to be bothered to see our son.  I'm trying my best to get approved to be a foster parent.  I also think it's not fair that time after time some of these parents who don't try to be parents, who suck at it, and who are mean have their protected right to shuck out babies every time they spread their legs, and then the doctor got his left and right screwed up, and removed the wrong ovary, so I can never have kids???  Life's not fair.  Perhaps we ought to go back to chasity belts for those who can't parent yet?

Answer 17

What are Ap's and Pap's?

Thank you Autumn!