Why do so many otherwise intelligent people assume?

Question

that children are put up for adoption only because the parent(s) "didn't want them"? Before y'all get upset... note that this is not a general statement to the populace of the world. I'm just amazed at the narrow mindedness of SOME people... NOT all people.

Answer 1

Does it matter what other people assume?

Intelligent or ignorant, it doesn't matter.

I adopted my third child at birth.  The first two were biological.  

The mother of the third baby didn't want to give him up but she knew she wasn't ready to raise a baby.  She was abandoned by the sperm donor (as we refer to him), just out of high school and scared half out of her witts.  

She had to make a  decision!

She had to weigh the options!

What would be best for her baby?

Should she get a meager job and put the baby in a nursery where others took care of it?

Would she ever make enough to give it the things it needed?  Food, clothing, shelter, medical, education..........the list goes on.

She chose to put the baby up for adoption.  Was it the right choice? I think so.

Our son is now 26 years old.  He is well adjusted, thankful and a content son that has been a deputy sheriff for over 5 years.   He is happy and loved by both his adoptive parents and his biological mother.  

You see friends, he was my grandson and now he is my son too. None of us would have done it any different.

Answer 2

because if you really wanted to keep your child you would be willing to do absolutely anthing to make it possible!

Answer 3

I'm not sure...  Maybe it fits the myth better?  If the parents didn't want them, then it's a total rescue, no guilt involved.  If the parents did want them, but didn't have the support to take care of the child, it suggests that another solution, other than adoption, might be a more ethical solution.  Maybe more should be done to help mothers keep their children?  But that interferes with the magic that is adoption.  

Obviously there are lots of different reasons, but some of those reasons may leave some people uncomfortable, so it's better to believe that all the children given up for adoption are unwanted.

Answer 4

I agree with the person who said it is because it is "easier".  it is just a way to rationalize and justify and simplify what is, really, a very individual and complicated issue.  

We need to be wary, though of swinging so far in the other direction to romanticise natural parents.  They are people who find themseves in complicated situations just as adoptive parents are...all are trying to find their way and some have regrets, others don't.  Some adoptees do, in fact, find out that they were not wanted....some are not welcomed back into the lives of natural parents....and some, like my brother, are horrified by what they find when they do search.

I'm adopted and totally "ok" with the thought that I may not have been wanted.  I actually know quite a few Non-adoptees who have learned they were not wanted and they have survived as well.

Answer 5

I think you are the one making an assumption.  

From what I have seen on this site, and based on my own personal experiences, I think most people are aware that most adoptions are due to economics or because of neglect/abuse reasons.  "Wanting" is very rarely the reason a child is placed for adoption (I personally know of only one case).

Answer 6

What others need to keep in mind (at least in my situation) is that not all children are "placed" for adoption...some are taken out of homes because of drug abuse / physical and sexual abuse.  This mother wants her child (at least in her head, her actions and body say otherwise).  There is no doubt in my mind that she loves him and wants him, but there is also no doubt that she can not take care of herself much less him.  I gave a child up that I had very young and do not regret it at all.  I was young, the father didn't want to have anything to do with it and I knew that I couldn't do it alone (after even trying for almost a year).  He was adopted by family and it wasn't until about 6 years ago that "we met" again...he will be 21 next month.  He has had a great life, and is very sucessful in what he does for a living.

Answer 7

Because they are ignorant.  They don't realize it's better to give that baby to a loving, mature, married couple to raise versus sentencing it to a life of struggle and single parenthood.

Then you have those like the poster above me.  The mother maybe wanted them, but had no idea about raising a child, and couldn't handle the stress of single parenthood.  Other parents are druggies, drunks, etc. and in no way should be raising a child.

Answer 8

There are narrow minded people everywhere, unfortunately. Just bear in mind that there are others who are caring and try to see things from another person's perspective.

My oldest sister was adopted by my parents during a horrible civil war in the 70's. She was simply left in the jungles while her family were trying to flee from Communists. We don't know why. My mother found her and raised her. I've heard many stories of women leaving their babies in the jungles in the hopes of sparing them from the soldiers, who would bash babies' heads against trees in order to kill them.

In this case, it was a matter of hanging onto a slim thread of hope that someone (not a soldier) would find her and raise her. In this case, it worked.

Answer 9

i think its kinda funny about how people assume that kids that have birth parents that are drug dealers and sexually molesting them are being adopted by the hundreds..its simply not happening..and as for those loving homes..alot dont get those either...there are alot of unwanted babies that are put up for adoption and paid for babies as well..which is amazing to me that someone could put a dollar amount on a childs head...i honestly dont know where i fall in...some say she gave us up willingly some say they pulled us out of her arms..all i know is she died a year later and i cant ask her..

Answer 10

Birth mothers life choices

Birth mother not wanting the kid

Birth mother being too selfish to get out of abusive relationship.

I could go on. There is many reasons why.

Do remember this though. Someone doesnt just come along and take you child off you for NO reason.

Answer 11

Ignorance.

Stupidity.

Anger and fear.

Answer 12

It comes from a lack of understanding and an absence of facts before them

Answer 13

I don't assume that at all.  But I also don't assume that all birth mothers are these naive young women who are PUSHED into giving up their child, which they would've otherwise just LOOOVED to care for and would've been great at parenting.  I don't assume one extreme or another yet some on here seem content to push just 1 point of view without validating or even entertaining another.

I fully realize that there ARE many young women who are pressured to give up their child by the agency, their family, friends, and society.  It's not right and I don't condone that at all.  But some people act like that makes up the entire pool of birth mothers.  I understand as an adoptee, it might make one feel better to think of his or her mother as this poor helpless person who was manipulated into giving them up when in actuality they were really wanted.  Yes, that feels much better to think that instead of thinking the horrible truth that your own b-mother just didn't want you.  But unfortunately, that can sometimes be the case.  There ARE bad women out there.  There ARE women who care nothing for human life and know they'd be horrible mothers.  There ARE birth mothers out there who just simply do NOT want the child.....as awful as that is, it's reality.  

I don't assume one far-reaching generalization or another.  When your beliefs are one extreme or another, it usually means you're wrong....because no situation is EVER 100% one way or 100% another way.

Answer 14

i try not to assume anything with out more information. my bio mother abandoned me in a hotel room for days when i was 5 month old. when i was found they revoked all her parental rights. my bio grandmother took me in and adopted me. ive gotten many reasons from bio mother as to why she did this. i say done is done, doesnt matter if she wanted me or not or what her reason, she almost killed me.

i understand your question and see where your coming from. but i dont assume with out proper info.

Answer 15

People don't want to know the truth. I praise those that know that even though they would like to keep the child it is not in there (the child's) best interest to do so. some say "I don't care I would do anything to keep mine" fine, but they don't realize that this is not the case for all. Just because someone can get pregnant does not mean that they should be parents. Thank goodness some have the sense to realize this. Some think that it is better to leave a child in an environment that is unhealthy for the child just in the name of being raised by bio parents, this is also wrong. People need to accept the fact that it is the choise of many mothers to give their child up, that is their right and no one elses. Some are taken because of abuse, rape, drug addiction, failing to provide the proper care, child endangerment. Just because some may not agree does not give them the right to judge those that have made this choise. What would be right for them is not necessarily right for another. Most parents who do decide to do this have put the child's interests above their own, for this they must be commended. I know that I will get thumbs down for believing that people do have the right to make this choise and for believing that what is right for one is not always right for others. But it is something that all should think about.

Answer 16

first issue is that you assume these are intelligent people who believe this :-)

seriously, it 's most likely due to ignorance. many without first-hand knowledge of adoption only hear about the "wonderful savior adoptive parents" and the "unmarried, unfit birthmother."  also, many can't fathom why a woman would just give up her child.  so they simply default to the comfortable conclusion that "she didn't want him/her." unfortunately, the adoption industry feeds on this ignorance and actually uses it to justify why young unmarried women should place their babies.

in particular, i love the "loving-two parent" home argument.  

especially since that argument is seriously flawed-- aparents divorce and many single people adopt. *shrugs*

Answer 17

Speaking only about parents whose children are placed, not those whose children have been removed by CPS, I know that many of them do want their children.  My natural mother and father wanted me, but some bad circumstances occurred with which they didn't want me to have to live.  They truly believed they were saving me from something bad by giving me up at 13 months old.  In the 1960's, there was no open adoption, so we couldn't reunite until later.  My natural mother has passed, but my natural father and I are very close.  He tells me that relinquishing me is by far the hardest thing he has ever had to do.

Many times young parents feel there is no way they could give their child a decent life.  They often feel pressured by family and other authority figures to give up their child.  That happened to my grandmother when she had her first baby in her teen years.

So, it's erroneous that all of these parents place their children because they just don't want them.  But, I think that because giving up one's own flesh and blood child is something that most people would find terribly painful, it's easier for them to think of the parents as not wanting the child.  That way they can get themselves to believe that maybe it wasn't so painful for the parents to relinquish.

I also think some people think very poorly of parents who have relinquished.  Telling themselves that these parents just didn't want their children makes them feel justified in their anger toward these parents, instead of the empathy they might have to feel if they knew how hard and painful it is for these parents give up their children.  I can't believe the number of times natural parents have been referred to as sperm and egg donors, among other horrible names.  As an adopted person, I am terribly hurt whenever I hear people speak that way about my natural parents.

I think some people just don't want to think that anyone feels hurt in the adoption process.  They want it to be that win-win-win situation.  Thinking of parents relinquishing even though they may rather keep their children doesn't sound like a big win for the natural parents.  It's easier to just say, "Well, they didn't want the child, anyway."  Otherwise, they may have to wonder, what else could be done for parents who don't want to relinquish but feel they don't have much of a choice?