Why do so many people come here to try to degrade those that support adoption?

Question

Many people take the time out of their lives to come to this site and criticize adoption.

To those people, what do you hope to accomplish? We come here to try to be a resource for those that have questions about adoption.

Who else is sick of their BS? Adoption through a reputable and ethical agency or attorney does not violate anyone's rights. If you are going to criticize, then you should specify that there are unethical people out there in the adoption system. However, there are also unethical people in the health care, legal, sales, and government systems. Why don't you bother them?

Answer 1

Because they are uneducated.

Answer 2

It's easy to slam people here.  They are not in your face-so it's easier to get away with spewing such bullshit.

Answer 3

Adult adoptees are speaking out, LC, because we lived through being adopted--and it's NOT a healthy way to grow up.

Pretending that you are not grieving the loss of your family to please the infertile people who pay your way is not a good way to acquire a strong sense of self.

You seem very invested in believing that adopting (and creating a demand in the process) children only has an upside.  In the 'triad' only your side scores a win.  The other sides have lost our family, and it can never truly be regained.

I believe that you will continue to be disappointed in the future.  Adopted 'children' grow older everyday, and our rank, the 'angry' adoptee, is growing, too, and getting more vocal than ever.

We believe that growing up adopted creates genealogical bewilderment, and this makes becoming a mentally healthy adult impossible.

If you grew up experiencing something you knew in your soul was WRONG, wouldn't you speak out?

Answer 4

I cannot imagine anyone criticizing adoption. I suppose they prefer the children to grow up in institutions or farmed out to foster care? What idiots are doing this? They should be ashamed of themselves. Criticizing adoption is asinine and those who do are total jerks.

Answer 5

I come here everyday to read and try to learn.. as an adoptee and a hopefully future adoptive parent. I have seen it.. I actually do not post here very often because I cannot and do not want to deal with the degradation of adoptive parents and future adoptive parents. I do not understand why there seem to be little or no love for their adoptive parents.. If you had a bad experience than acknowledge it... but don't pass your negativity on to others who are wanting to adopt. What purpose are you serving.. are you teaching them something or do they ignore your rants and put you into a group with the other few who are always on here yelling about "rights" I am confused are you here to learn and ask questions or to pollute

Answer 6

I have seen it, people criticizing adoptive parents on everything from adopting  to how they adopt, where they adopt, actually admitting they prefer a bot or a girl or wanting a younger child to in general working of a simple sentence. It is so bad that I do still come here but I have found a true adoption forum where I can learn about the pros and cons of adoption without the anger and bitterness that flows here on the forum. I have been applauded for my decision to adopt and nicely told a way to deal with our name "problem" without being yelled at or told how I was stealing a child or robbing him of his culture. I was should articles and given support. It is not the adoptive parents fault that your birth mother placed you, we didn't beg her to give you up or pay her so we could run away with you in the night.. I'm sorry this just makes me angry especially now that I have been to a REAL adoption forum. With both adoptees and adoptive parents who desire to teach and inform those of us preparing to adopt the best way..without judgment.. OK I'm ready lets see... 10-11-12 thumbs down or more..

Answer 7

I am with you . Adoption is a wonderful thing for babies who are coming into this world through no fault or choice of their own. they deserve loving parents. the other option is murder. abortion is not an option.

Answer 8

Adopt with love:"All I want to do is be on yahoo QA and answer people who have questions about issues that I may know a little bit about "  tells me that you haven't adopted yet and yet you want to answer questions about adoption when according to your own words, you know not awhole lot about.

I hope to accomplish that

1) while adoption does happen it is not entirely happy happy joy joy

2) even if the adoption is through an ethical agency/attorney rights do get violated.  You know that they don't how?

3) I don't need to be quiet about the lies I was told and yes there were/are lies and they continue.

4) I am tired of being lumped into a group that I don't belong.  I am tired of being a stereotype when that is not at all the case.

Answer 9

I think this might be a case of the kettle and the pot.  Especially when there are"pro-adoption" people writing questions deliberately slamming and villiainizing other posters on here.

Last I checked, this was a free country and anyone and everyone has the right to express their opinions on adoption as long as they follow the established rules.

There are some places online where people can only share happy thoughts on adoption like the Tao Forum and even adoption.com to an extent.  You might want to check those out if you are interested in only looking at the happy fluffy side to adoption.

But Yahoo Answers isn't one of those places.

And please, please, pick up a copy of "The Primal Wound" written by Nancy Verrier, an adoptive parent if you are really, really wondering why some of out here are a little cranky at times.

Answer 10

I've seen a lot of nasty comments about a lot of things but never any about adoption, what are you talking about?

Answer 11

I think that the problem is that in today's society there are soo many unethical people and businesses out there that we as a society pick our whipping boys and proclaim them evil until we die. Adoption is a great thing that improves so many lives every day, month, year, etc. However everyone now wants instant gratification and people are so closed minded and ignorant that no one wants to go through all the work to findout if what they are spewing from their mouths is indeed true. they don't question anything and they believe everything

Answer 12

I couldn't agree with you more!

Answer 13

I think people are missing the point here. Does the majority of the people hate adoption? I don't believe so.  It seems that in this discussion group, if you do not have something full of roses and candy to say about adoption, then you automatically hate adoption.  We DO NOT HATE ADOPTION.  

There are REAL issues, emotional struggles, that ARE part of adoption.  Whether you want to hear them or not.  THEY DO EXIST and should be addressed.  It is important that the adoptive parents know how to keep their children from walking down the same paths we older adoptees have walked.  I am a 32 year adult.  Perfectly happy in my life, with a husband of my own and three natural children.  I had excellent parents.  I could not have chosen a better pair to raise me.  BUT THE ISSUES ARE STILL THERE! Adoption is not all rosebuds and petals.  We feel abandoned.  We feel "not good enough".  What was wrong with me?  Why didn't you want to keep me?  Money is not a sole reason to put your child up for adoption.  Money situations tend to be temporary and do not make children turn out to be uneducated, or criminals.  My adoptive parents were not rich.  We lived a meek life.  It was a beautiful one.  Life lessons were learned, compassion was taught.  Morality was constant.  Love was rampant.  These are the things children need.  Not two parents or middle class upbringings in the suburbs of life.  Those are just fairytales, that do not exist.  Wonderful, intelligent people DO COME FROM POVERTY and SINGLE PARENT FAMILIES.  

People contemplating adoption should know both sides of the story, not just the pretty stuff.  They should know that regardless of the love they give the child, there will be questions.  There will be a need for answers, some day.  It WILL happen.  We deserve the right to know how we began and who we were.  Natural families know this information and take it for granted.  You cannot understand, unless you have been given a "fake" birth certificate with a new name.  Your identity is changed.  What is in a name?  ALOT!

So, if you consider real issues with adoption BS, then you are the ones who deserve to be criticized.  Adoptive families need to know how to keep their children from living their lives as a dirty little secret.  The laws must change.  Adoptees should know their beginnings, good or bad.  The unknown is the cause of all this pain and anger!

This is the reality.  Like or Hate! It is real pain that should be addressed.  If these questions are answered for these adoptees, then I truly believe they will not have to walk my path.  They can move forward and beyond without my emotional difficulties.

Answer 14

LC, i cannot tell you the BS I have gone through with adoption haters (as I call them).  All I want to do is be on yahoo QA and answer people who have questions about issues that I may know a little bit about or advise someone of something that worked for me.

I called someone out last night that had no right to tell someone to NOT LISTEN TO ADOPT WITH LOVE SHE HAS "ALTERIOR" MOTIVES.  I call that trolling (and you know who you are G*****M, you have criticised me and even this questioner on more than one occasion).   What do my motives have to do with other people on this site.  My motives are not illegal, AND I owe no one an explanation..... there i nothing on the guidelines that says I cannot let the world know I am looking for a BIRTHMOM!!!!  I will not steal her child, I will not talk her into giving it to me, I will not hold a gun to her head!  I will support her in her decision to give her baby to me and my husband and trust us with the most precious gift in the world and I am looking forward ot having that special relationship with her (if she allows for it).  I will do my best for my adoptive child so that they are not as bitter and angry as you (G*****M).  AND THE BEST PART...I could give 2 hoots if you agree with my decision and goals.  don't care for 1 itty bitty second!!

I dont care what their motives,  I have nothing against what they (adoption haters) stand for, but just leave me out of it.

I know we dont live in a perfect world, I know that not all adoptions are perfect...I GET IT!!!!!  So back off already.  You can stop looking at my personal web page www.adopt-with-love.com and stop signing my personal guest book with negative comments.  That is soooo mean what you did G*****M.  How could you cross that line....you are starting to creap me out.  If you dont like me then stay away from me and my personal web page.   Its not there for you or anyother adoption hater.  You dont have to go to MySpace and report me...its not illegal for me to have my own site showing pictures of my family and how happy we are and how we would like to help a mother out if she wants and needs an adoption plan.  Nothing illegal about it at all. I have an Atty, I know what I am doing.

You know LC if you and whoever else report these people they can be removed from here.  I am doing my part........you should too.  Thank you for allowing me this forum to get it off my chest.  I really dont care about thumbs down...all that matters to me is that this particular person read this and just for 1 second OPEN YOUR MIND and see that not all people are out to get YOU!  You have so much anger it is coming out of my monitor!!  Go for therapy, this is just Yahoo QA, not a politcal debate between federal policy holders.

Answer 15

I have never seen anyone on here degrade adoption.  

Abortion gets very controversial here (as with everywhere else), as do circumcision and spanking issues...but I've never seen anything critical said about adoption.

Answer 16

I do agree the sad thing is it’s only been with in the last few months that there been a bit more negativity against adoption here. This is supposed to be a place to answer people’s question. For example some woman asking about breastfeeding her adopted baby, doesn’t need ignorant  people to respond saying “Oh how can you do that, its not your flesh and blood.”  Someone asking about adoption doesn’t need to be harassed by people telling them to take an older child and not a baby.  Ask them why adopt at all, Sponsor a child or family instead. etc

Answer 17

Many people do take the time out to criticize adoption but many people also take the time out to support adoption.  People are entitled to their opinions and that is all they are opinions.

For some, adoption is a wonderful experience.  For others, it is not.  Who are we to judge?  The thoughts of others are not yours or mine but their own.  Yes, those that support adoption can try to persuade others that adoption is a wonderful thing.  They can posts about resources available to those that who wish to adopt or who are thinking about making a plan of adoption.

Those that criticize can try to persuade others that adoption is a horrible experience.  They can try to persuade people not to adopt or make a plan of adoption.

When you ask a question on Y!A be prepared to get answers to your questions but also be prepared to get people's points of view.  This site is meant for people to provide answers to questions but at the same time to express their opinions, feelings, and/or beliefs, hopefully without being degraded.  Some cannot express their opinions without degrading others and if they do you can choose to form an opinion about that poster.

I say all of this to say that those that criticize adoption are not spouting BS, they are spouting their own thoughts, opinions, and feelings.  Just like the posters that support adoption are not posting BS.  There are at least two sides to every story and Y!A provides a forum where those sides can be told.

Answer 18

You said -

"We come here to try to be a resource for those that have questions about adoption."

Why does this comment not apply to all others also.

Who made you and your pro-adoption friends the adoption-Gods????

Who told you that you can rule this space - and no others are allowed to play - unless they play only by your rules???

(golly - maybe you have different rules of engagement than I!)

Yahoo = public space.

There are many sides to adoption - why should only the happy-happy be told??

You agree in your statement that their is another side to adoption - but I'm sure if I look back (really I'm not going to waste my time) on your past answers before I found this place - that you would have never advised about the 'other' side of adoption. If I'm wrong - well good for you.

Being fully aware of all sides of a topic is the intellectual and 'right' thing to do.

Why do you wish to not allow people to be fully educated about all sides of adoption - the good and the bad??

The only way to stop unethical practices is by allowing all sides to be told.

You wish to continue sprouting the happy-happy side.

I can't stop you.

I wish to advise people to be more cautious in their decision making process regarding adoption. There are many lives affected by each and every adoption - where as most only ever look at what the immediate affects on themselves will be.

You can't stop me.

Besides - wouldn't it be better for all to have an expectant mother being more aware of their rights and the possible outcomes that relinquishing a baby could have on them - so that they won't change their mind later (which - they have a right to do - IMHO) - and more heartache for all is averted??? (yes - even the adoptive parents who look at facing a possible adoption falling through)

Stop your cry-baby tactics LC.

And grow up.

Answer 19

I come on here quite frequently and have never seen anyone criticize adoption...? Do you have any examples?

Answer 20

Yes I support adoption! But I will NEVER support abortion!!!!!

Answer 21

Quote from the question: "To those people, what do you hope to accomplish? We come here to try to be a resource for those that have questions about adoption."

What I hope to accomplish:

1.  Get some potential adoptive parents to think about the "flip" side of adoption--biological parents relinquishing--and what that experience must be like.

2. Get those potential adoptive parents to think, "Gee, if it were me or my sister or my best friend in a crisis pregnancy, how would I want to be treated? And ARE the agencies treating these women in that way, in the way I'd want me (or my sister, or my best friend) to be treated?"

3. Support expectant mothers who might stumble onto Y!A looking for advice on adoption vs. parenting. Explain to them what their agencies may not be telling them... that the pain of relinquishment lasts a very long time; that having a baby changes your life, no matter whether you choose to parent or relinquish; and that there are risks associated with relinquishing.

4. Support adoptees here who might be wondering what could possibly be going through their bio mom's head.

5. Get EVERYONE to think about adoptee rights and how parenting an adopted child might be/should be different from parenting a biological child, in the hope that adoptive parents will be able to address their children's questions and any hurt with kindness and empathy.

6. Provide accurate information to people with questions about adoption... such as what an ethical agency is, what adoption costs are, what a bio mom's legal rights are, what the process is for relinquishment in various states (it differs), etc.

Answer 22

I find your question hysterical.

You are operating on the assumption that the majority of people feel (or should feel) the same way you do.  It has obviously not occurred to you that these answers are appropriately representative of the population - or at least that part of the population affected by adoption.  

Ummm.  I do believe your adopted child is one of them.

That you believe there is some small handful of critics who are out to refute your viewpoint is a bit narcissistic, don't you think?  Trust me, it is not all about you.

Not ALL people believe that adoption is the sacred cow you are intent to protect.  

"Adoption through a reputable and ethical agency or attorney does" indeed violate the adoptee's rights as long as birth certificates are sealed and adoptees are not allowed to know their roots and history.  It also violates most mothers' rights - for the same reason as well as the coercion they experience either from an agency or from people in society who are brainwashed to believe adoption is all snips & snails & puppydog tails.  

There are not only unethical people in the adoption system, there are also many unethical people trying to adopt (and succeeding).  There are a lot of psychologically challenged people trying to adopt (and succeeding).  There are a lot of people so desperate for a child that they turn a blind eye to heinous corruption in procuring children.  Why don't YOU bother THEM?

Answer 23

LC--  It's because people are Ignorant....and you can even see more ignorance with some of the comments posted underneath yours

There has been a lot of people criticising adoption on here for some reason and like I said the only thing i can come up with is Ignorance

Answer 24

its like a way of picking a fight and then running away and not dealing with what the truth really is

Answer 25

Do you mean to say - why do some people understand that adoption is not all "happy-clappy" for everyone and they are not afraid to share their negative experiences with adoption? The topic is "Adoption".  To me that includes ALL adoption experiences.  So suck it up - millions of us have had negative adoption experiences.

The more that I read under this topic, the happier I am that I took off my rose coloured glasses when was about 12 years old and let the cognitive part of my brain flourish.

Quietstorm - brilliant - yes!  I wish I had said that.

Answer 26

I"m confused, because I get slammed, called out on the questions that I'm a troll. Is everyone a troll who doesn't believe in adoption? Why is my feeling on the matter not as valid as anyone else's? Why do you have a problem with what I say, just because its different than your opinion. Isn't that the beauty of this place, all opinions are welcome, its virtually unmoderated, and free to voice our answers.

Why is it BS when I give an honest reply and not BS if I were to say that adoption is wunnerful.

Why am I here? Because I'm an adoptee rights activist!! I am pro-adoptee!! I believe in adoptees rights, and in this country our rights, are slim. Even in "ethical" adoptions adoptees rights aren't honored.

LC we don't have access to our records, fee's vary depending on the race of a child, coersion in many forms still happens to mothers today robbing adoptees of their families for no reason other than money. Donor children, embryo adoptions, adoptees of domestic and international adoptions are all having rights violated as we speak.

This happens, and it happens more than I think you'd like to believe.

I get thumbs down too, I get rude posts especially from adopt-with-luv, but my panties aren't in a twist over it. I'm cool with it, because even in the short amount of time I've been posting here, other adoptees are starting to come out of the woodwork and speak out. They're uniting. They're joining forces and we're starting a revolution, to end the madness in adoption and establish equality for our adopted brothers and sisters.

So yes, i will continue to post here, i will continue to point my finger at the unethical people and I will continue to advocate for a better system so the children that NEED homes, will get them.

I will continue to encourage parents to parent their children, instead of choosing adoption over stupid things like designer clothing, a bigger house and a 2 parent family. I will advocate for adoptees to search and support them even if they don't want to. I will advocate for ethical laws to be put into place and fight my legislation until it is so. I will recruit, build my army and make changes. Its happening, right before your eyes, the adoption industry WILL be changing in my lifetime, you can bet that!

Answer 27

I couldn't agree more and I had no idea that people were trying to degrade adoption.  Quite sick actually when you think of all the children needing a happy home out there and even pets getting more love and attention in today's society than neglected children in orphanages.

I am with you 100%!

Answer 28

Why do you want to silence adoptee's?

Are adoptees only loveable and deserving whilst they can't speak about their own feelings

Answer 29

Forrest Gump's mom said it best, you know about studi is and etc.

They may be adopted themselves and not know it.

Adoption is a dirty business in a lot of circles. It shoul be a frre service to assure nothing is corrupt, there are free adotion services that are scrutinized. Those are the types I would gravitate toward.

I know a dozen people who have spent what it would cost for a small house to adopt a child and they find out later the child is sick or has been abused, and the service was out for big profits. This is deplorable and is tantamount to slavery.

I hope you can't put yourself in anything I described.