Why do some Adoptees chose not to search for their original family?

Question

As an adoptive mother, I think I have a pretty good idea why adoptees want to find their original families.

I am curious why some adoptees don’t want to search for their original family? Is it out of fear of rejection? Or is it honestly because you don’t want to know?

Like I said, I am not an adoptee, but an adoptive mother. But, I have not seen my biological father in over 30 years. I have NO desire to contact him. And I can honestly say that it is for two reasons: Anger and fear of rejections. I am extremely curios about him and other siblings I may have, but I can’t get passed my reasons for locating him.

So, is this how adoptees feel that choose not to search for their original families? Or are their other reasons?

Answer 1

I have just never honestly had a desire to search. Growing up I never really felt adopted if that makes any sense. I never fantasized what birthkin looked like, what life would have been like with them etc. II never felt like i didn't fit in my family.  Grant it would be nice to have medical information but I don’t have it so I don’t dwell on it.  I don’t even see birthkin as my family. Its not like I was ever around them besides living in BM’s womb for 35 weeks.

Answer 2

Perhaps for some, they are content with their lives as adoptee and are satisfied with their adopted parents.  

Although, I would still recommend that an adoptee look into his/her biological parents medical history just to know this for his/her own well-being.

Answer 3

Sometimes I think it's the fear of the unknown and rejection

Sometimes I think it's anger about having been given away

Sometimes I think it's because the person is not secure enough in their relationship with their adoptive parents and to risk 'rocking the boat' is just too much of a risk

There are a myriad of reasons I guess.   All I can say is that it's perfectly natural to want to search and it doesn't mean that the searcher is maladjusted in any way, nor does it mean that the searcher is not satisfied with their adoptive parents.   Quite the opposite in fact - I think people who search are generally very well adjusted and secure with their adoptive family.

Answer 4

my husband wasn't adopted, but he hasn't seen his real dad since he was 1.  I keep asking him if he wants to find him and he seems to not care about it.  He never had a step dad or anything, the only father figure he had was his grandfather.  And it's not like his dad walked out on him...his dad wanted to marry his mom, she was the one who said no, she wasn't ready for marriage, she was and still is pretty warped and immature.  I wonder this same thing myself...you'd think he'd want to contact his real dad and let him know that he is doing well...or that he is about to have a granddaughter.  I'm sure he's married and happy with other kids, so maybe that's it...maybe he doesn't want to upset his new family.

Answer 5

I always wanted to search but I occasionally spent some years lying and saying I didn't. Some reasons I would lie were:

1.) The number of people who would make comments like, "well you know your adoptive parents are your REAL parents" or "be grateful you weren't aborted or thrown in a dumpster" If so many (ignorant) people were saying the same thing to me, then I thought there must be something wrong with me.

2.) I didn't know any other adoptees or know how to connect with them.

3.) The conflicted loyalty I felt for my adoptive parents versus my natural need to know my origins

4.) Fear

5.) The overwhelming complication and number of hoops to jump through just to get my non-id

There are more, but these are the first five that come to mind.

Answer 6

As others have said, you are told so often how lucky you are to be adopted and how grateful you must be you think that it would be disloyal to your adoptive parents to look for your natural family.  My amother has signed me up for registries and has told me that she would support me if I wanted to search but I still feel like I would be hurting her feelings somehow.  There is also the fear of rejection, you were abandoned once, why risk it happening again.  

It is also not an easy thing to do.  Getting even the smallest amount of non-identifying information is difficult.  Maybe if justice is served and adoptees are treated as equal citizens in the US we will be able to get our original birth certificates and a link to our history.

Answer 7

Maybe some adopted children blended into their adoptive families and fit in so well and felt so comfortable growing up they never really thought of tracing their families of origin.

My sister-in-law gave up a daughter she had out of wedlock 47 years ago when she was 19.  She never knew where she ended up or anything. No one has ever tried to contact her.  

A cousin of mine gave up a son for adoption when she was 19.  Her daughter used the internet and tracked down her brother who was a college student by then.  Bio-mother and son reunited and they hit it off and gets along with everybody in my cousin's new family.  The son my cousin gave away never got along with his adoptive family and although he did well in school and never got in trouble, he never felt like he belonged to the family that raised him.  He was so happy when his younger sister found him and brought him back to his bio-family, which now includes three sisters and a baby brother.

So, adoptees may not seek out birth families because they feel so much a part of the family that raised them, they see no need to seek them out.

Answer 8

Heather,

i didn't want to search not because of rejection but because it didn't matter to me.  I was comfortable with who I was and did not feel the need to look.  it just didn't matter to me.  My life was not defined by the adoptee status.  I was thankful to have life from my bmom and thankful for the life that my real parents gave me.  I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything not knowing her.

Hope this gave you a bit of insight.

Answer 9

I think there are likely to be many reasons.  I did, finally, search, but I put it off for a long, long time.  I had concerns about being rejected and general anxiety about what I would find.  I also did not want to hurt my adoptive parents.  I feel a great deal of loyalty towards them and often want to protect them.  So put it off and put it off.

But like I said, I did finally search.  I don't doubt that there are other reasons.

Answer 10

My daughter was treated so badly by her birth family that she originally wanted nothing to do with them. I expect she may want to meet them when she is older, but at the moment she is happy to be as far away from them as possible.

Answer 11

Personally, I chose to search just because I want to know. I want to know why she gave me up, what my history is and my birth family. Paraguay (where I was adopted from) had many babies stolen and sold and I don't know if I was one of them.

My biggest drive, though, is that I am able to search so I want to. Not searching, I think I would end up seeing it int he future as a missed opportunity.

Answer 12

My parents (who adopted me) have done such a great job in raising me, although I may not always show it... and sure it's been hard sometimes, but I'm honestly afraid of hurting them.  They've given me and my brother (we're twins) everything ... taught us what they know, their ideas and morals and to be like "I want to find my real parents" makes it almost seem like they're not good enough.  Not that that's the case, they've told us that they'd help us find them... but, I don't know... other siblings is a different story for me, but I'm not sure that I have any... I guess that'd be reason to find them, huh?  =)

Answer 13

I always wanted to search and eventually did.  But I have two asiblings (no genetics between any of us) that have no interest.  One just simply doesn't care; the other is too lazy to care.  In my opinion, both have serious issues.  No one knows if searching would help them, but...well, no one knows.

Answer 14

To xxskittlezxx:  Do NOT worry about hurting your adoptive parents.  It has nothing to do with how much you love them, or how much they love you.  It's about finding out who you are and where you came from.  If your parents know that you love them, then they won't be hurt or threatened by your search.  I have 2 adopted children.  My 15-year-old daughter has been talking about contacting her mother.  She knows she can get the phone number and address anytime.  She is a little frightenend, but I know that she will eventually work up the courage to do so.  It does not hurt my feelings AT ALL.  She knows I love her, and I know she loves me.  It's just not about that.  If I didn't know my past and my relatives, I would want to know.  I would want to see who I looked like, etc... It's just a natural feeling we all have.  

I think you are right about why some adoptees don't look for their first families.  I think it is usually because they don't want to "betray" their adoptive parents.  Sweetie, you aren't betraying anyone.  You are just looking for the missing puzzle pieces of your own self.

Answer 15

I don't know.  My brother is adopted and his biological aunt contacted him last year.  She wrote him a letter saying she thought of him all the time and would like to meet.  He read the letter, but never said anything else.  Honestly, I think for him it's embarrassment.  He's made a mess out of his life and I (personally) think that's why.

Answer 16

My husband's is from California and his birth mother died when he was 2 months old and his brother was 3.  His father died at age 12.  I have asked him several, several times if he is interested in tracking down either his mother's or father's family and he says he has no desire.  He figures they knew he existed and if they wanted to find him they would but he really doesn't want to look for them because he is happy with his kids and I.  His step-mother's family is the family that considers his real family.

Two of my best friends are adoptive and neither of them have searched.  M.A. said she did not have a desire because she loves her family and is quite happy and she doesn't want to have a stranger come into her life.  Her mom is one of her best friends, and I think in a way she doesn't want to mess up that relationship.

My grandmother knew who her birth mom was (She actually tried to kidnap her back when my grandmother was 3), but my grandmother wanted nothing to do with her, she had her parents and loved them deeply.

I think it is more or less the people who know where they come from do not have the questions or longing to find their birth parents because they know where they come from.

Answer 17

my kids know that their birthmother had mental health issues and have no desire to seek her out.  she had 4 kids by 4 men (I adopted 2 of them), so my kids don't want to know her.  my daughter wants to know if there are medical issues that she could inherit, but not meet her birthmom ever.

Answer 18

I have no desire to find my birthmother because I know she had a 2 year old daughter when she gave me up. It's anger for me because why would she keep one and not the other you know what I'm trying to say? I can understand that maybe she couldn't take care of us both but still. Well it's not total anger, it's a little anger and just plain rejection.  I couldn't do that to my kids. I do understand why she did it and adoption is a very loving thing and you have to be very strong to do it.