Why do some adoptee's not want to meet their birth family?

Question

One of my best friends is adopted and has no desire to meet her birth family. I did not find out she was adopted until we were adults, I would of never guessed because she looked so much like her parents. Their relationship is also quite solid. It is not my place, but since my son is adopted, I have asked her if she will ever look for them or what are her thoughts, but she always says she has no desire, wants or needs to meet her birth family.

This makes me wonder about my son also, it is a family adoption, but he doesn't really ask about them and chooses to call his bmom Aunt.

Is this normal for some adoptee's not to even want to meet their birth families or have a relationship with them?

Answer 1

Yes, it is normal.  People respond differently to the same situations.  Also, people may respond differently at different times of their lives.  In my twenties I was too interested in other things, dating, college, marriage, travel.  In my thirties, I was busy raising kids and was also fearful of what I would find.  I didn't feel like I had room in my life to bring in all the issues related to reunion. Now, in my forties,  a medical issue with my child prompted me to become motivated enough to finally act. Again, I think I have always been open to the "meeting"  just not the "searching."  I always felt that if someone came to my door, I would be happy to meet them.

My lack of motivation was due to busyness, preoccupation with other issues,  fear of what I would find and a sense of loyalty to my parents.  I don't think I ever denied these things at any stage of my life, but I chose not to address them.

My brother, on the other hand, had no desire at all, ever.  His mother found him, they met, and he still has no desire for any relationship at all.  He is not in a fog, or in denial.  He is a person who does not operate on an introspective level or does not dwell on the past.  To him, she is a total stranger. That is just who he is in every part of his life.  It is his personality.

I know that many adoptees feel a compelling desire to find their parents and I respect that.  But we need to be careful in assuming that there is only one way to respond to life as an adoptee.   There is no one adoptee experience.  

I think it is nice to let your son know that he can have a relationship with his natural family if he wants to, and that this is not a betrayel to you in anyway.   Let him be the guide and support him in whatever path he chooses.

Answer 2

There are many adoptees who want to find out a lot of information about their birthfamilies, who want to meet them, have a relationship with them. That’s ok. However there are also adoptees that have no desire for this, and that’s ok too. IMO neither is wrong or right, normal or un-normal. It’s just what works for that person, what’s right to them.

A person could have 2 adopted kids and one might have the desire/ want to meet biological kin, while the other one might have no interest in it. Everyone is different.

Answer 3

Many adoptees do not want to meet their birth parent because so far in their life they have not been a part and some wouldn't want that to change. Think about it...

Would you ditch your parents now if they told you you were adopted?

Answer is probably no, they brought you up to be the person you are today and love and care for you. Why would you need anything else?

Many people also have a resentment towards biological parents because they gave them up therefore not wanting then to be with them - or so the thinking of an adoptee

However some people are eager to meet birth parents and to see the background they came from, many want answers to how they came about.

Everyone is different, just because your friend has no desire to meet her birth parents does not mean your son will feel the same.

Answer 4

yes it is normal for this to happen. For some children it is confusing or a potential conflict to admit that there are other parents out there who rejected them.

However at a later stage, adolescence, becoming an adult, getting married or having thier own children then values change. It is best to be open and honest and realistic with your children.

Answer 5

there in their own fog

he he

having to much fun.

Answer 6

Everyone is different.. my sister was adopted and she is not even 18 yet and she found me somehow and wants to know all about the family and wants to be apart of it but her adoptive family wont let her she is 18 yet I have a friend that doesn't care to know anything about her birth parents and wants nothing to do with them.. maybe they remember all bad things or they are bitter torwards them or even scared and content with their adoptive parents

Answer 7

There are generally two common threads, although not necessarily even the majority.  You have the group who feel it is disloyal to their a-parents to look up the first family.  

Second:

<<He has never wanted to find his family. He feels that if they gave him up, and have never searched for him themselves, that there is no reason for him to look for them.>>

Shelby's father's answer is typical of men who choose not to search.  They have NO IDEA how difficult it is for many to be able to find their birth children as records have been altered or simply not available.   Only a couple of states had open records all along and even today, with many more states allowing open records, many birth dates and locations were changed.  For instance, some years ago, a friend who was helping me in my search found out that her birthdate had been altered by 3 months.  That was why she could never find her birth certificate before.

Also, consider non-adopted kids.  While a large number want to know about their family background, some never give a hoot.  They live in the now and never the past.  I see that in my  Aunt/Uncle's kids. They have absolutely no desire to know about family history.

Answer 8

I think it all starts when the AP gets the child. If a amother and a father openly talk about their kiddie's birth family, then I think that the child says "I've no interest right now to meet them" they just might mean it. They could just not be interested at this time in their life. But, I do believe that most Adoptees in the baby scoop era do wait for their parents to die before searching because some parents during that time may have felt threatened if their child expressed any sort of interest in finding their birth family. I think in the former instance, it's important to be sensitive to your achild's feelings. To always be open to talk about your child's bfamily whenever interested so that they do feel free to want to search for them, and feel free if they don't. Mainly, they shouldn't feel pressured to wait until the aparents are gone, but they also shouldn't feel pressured to look because it's "unhealthy" to not be interested. Every person is different, they may just mean what they say.

Skatergurljubulee

Answer 9

Why would they want to meet their birth parents? They already have parents who love them, and who have always been there for them. If you found out that you were adopted what would you do?

Answer 10

it all depends

I can't speak for adoptees, but I believe all are different..

Some people believe genetics are the most important thing, that it makes them who they are, and no matter what, it's the deciding factor, the most important thing..

Some people could really care less about genetics.. they feel the people who raised them, albeit not genetically related, are the ones who have made them "who they are" they believe environment, experiences, and themselves have been what makes them "who they are."  They don't see how genetics makes much difference..

Neither mentality is 100% accurate, but I personally lean more heavily toward the second. I was raised by my bio family.. and I'm glad I had the mother I did.. but not because she carried me for 9 months, donated half her DNA.. to me that's not NEARLY her most important accomplishment as a mother.. it's WAY down on the list.... No, the millions of things I love about her have very little to do with the fact that we DO happen to share DNA and look quite a bit alike..

That's jut my perspective.. I'm not an adoptee, but I've heard diff adoptees express opinions similar to mine, and some very different!!!

CHeers...

P.S.  I also don't believe its right for anyoen to tell someone else they're "in a fog" or "in denial" because they feel a certain way.. maybe some adoptees DO feel like they were at one time "in a fog" But that doesn't mean that every adoptee who is content and has no identity problems with a non-genetically related family is in that fog or denial..

Answer 11

Sounds normal to me. I know I wouldn't want to especially if i found when i was an adult. It doesn't matter if her adoptive mom isnt her biological mother, its mother to her and has been for years. Its all how you perceive the reality around you, if you think someone is your mother than that's your reality it doesn't matter if its true or not. Humans are creatures of habit and don't like change. Meeting your Bparents would be a really emotional and hard thing to do.

Answer 12

yes, usually because they areangry at thier birth family for giving them up

Answer 13

I think it depends on the situation. I was adopted at 16 months, and abandoned as an infant, until taken into social services where I spent most of my infancy. I didn't learn how to walk, talk, crawl or anything until I was adopted. I have no desire to meet my birth family, mainly because the family I was adopted into I accepted as my "parents". I don't think blood matters, I think care, love, and who brings you up is what makes a parent a parent.

Answer 14

Hi Renee,

Good question.  There are many reasons why some adoptees may not want to reunite, including these common reasons:

They could have a misguided sense of loyalty to their adoptive parents.  They could be afraid their AP's could not handle it.  In many cases, they are right, especially AP's who adopted from the baby scoop era.  These adoptees often end up searching after their AP's have passed away.

For some, it's safer to stay in the dark.  They may be afraid of possible rejection or of what they might find.  Adoptees often have more trust issues than other people.  That could contribute to them being afraid to take risks that venture into the unknown and leave them vulnerable.  It may be easier for them to say they do not want to know then to take chances of being hurt again.

If they are males, it probably has something to do with our society not being as accepting of males being in touch with their emotional side.  It's no surprise that the overwhelming majority of adoption searchers are women.  The men who do search generally wait until later, often after being encouraged to do so by their wives.

Some may simply not be ready to search yet.  It requires an emotional & time investment.  It's important to sort through one's one mind first about various scenarios, expectations of relationships, etc.  They might be too busy with other things going on in their lives.  Some may not recognize the full significance until after a major event in their own life, such as the birth of their own child, or the death of an adoptive parent.  Mentally, one should be fully prepared with a support group in place before they begin.

I'm sure there could also be combinations of these reasons as well as many other reasons, and they are all normal responses based upon each individual adoptee's state of mind and life experiences.  How your friend feels is not necessarily going to be how your son feels.  Hope this helps.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 15

most who feel that way, imo, are worried they will look ungrateful and don't want to hurt their aparents.

Answer 16

My father was adopted.  He has never wanted to find his family.  He feels that if they gave him up, and have never searched for him themselves, that there is no reason for him to look for them. He had a really bad life being brought up by his foster family.  They were very cruel to him.  He turned around, married my mom, and created the family he always wanted, and feels that is what matters now.  Us kids on the other hand are so curious of our background, but honor his feelings.

Answer 17

it seems normal to me!

it will be very difficult to be rejected two times (which is possible to happen)

Answer 18

Normal, now there is a word that you can't really define. Is it normal? For that person, yes it is.  My brother was adopted and he never wanted to meet his birth family even after learning he had 7 siblings. Said he knew who his parents were. I had a cousin who was adopted and she wanted to meet her birth family and she did and that was it. The birth family wanted a relationship but she didn't. She just wanted to meet them and ask a few questions.

Answer 19

i think it is...my brother is like this..he has no memories of anyone but the people that adopted us...he told me this last year ..i do know who we are and who we came from and have told him..but if i had never looked he was fine not knowing

Answer 20

maybe because they dont want to disrupt what they believe is there family could you imagine having two moms and two dads and one set not ever being there, its just strange!

Answer 21

to say that is normal that not my decion to say or anyones elses their are many people to desire to and others that are angry and dont it depends on that persons out take and hw they deal with thier motions

Answer 22

Where I want to know why & family health issues I really have no desire to maintain a relationship with my biofamily.  Perhaps it would be different if it really happened or was easily available for me to reach.  At this point in my life (and it took a lot to get here) I am content in knowing that I don't 'need' to know or meet them.  I have a 'family' that I can call my own and have no desire to stir up feelings that I'm not ready to deal with.  Perhaps later down the road that may change but right now I have no desire.

Answer 23

I am an adoptee and I would love to find my birth parents however the state laws and rules make it very hard. However I work with a man who is also adopted and has no desire to meet his birth family. My husband also does not know who his real dad is and his mother has offered for him to meet him and he has no desire his oppinion is if he didn't want me why should I want him? I think alot of it stems from the feeling of being abandoned as a child. everyone is diffrent you will just need to go with the flow of your son and please answer any questions he may have if you can answer them it will be so helpful in the end

Answer 24

Everyone is different.

My sister in law searched for years and was just reunited this year.

Her husband is also adopted and has no interest in searching.