Why do some adoptees feel loss, and others don't?

Question

I've been thinking of this lately, and will probalby blog about it, lol, but I wonder just what triggers the feelings of loss for some adoptees and not for others.

I don't think it's upbringing; I feel the loss, and I had a great upbringing. But what COULD it be? Any ideas? I wonder, if studies were done and we could figure out why some adoptees feel the loss of their first families, maybe that could be a key in fixing what is "broken" with adoption, so future adoptees won't have to feel it, or feel it so acutely.

I don't know; I'm just trying to better understand my fellow adoptees. Thanks everyone in advance.

Answer 1

Every person is "made" differently.  Just observing babies born to the same parents in the same home shows evidence of that.  Because each person's inherent nature affects how each person will process events in his/her life, it isn't clear how every person will feel in a given situation.  

Certainly, there are a number of other factors as well.  I just feel that this particular factor is a large one.  It also is reason to say that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel or react.  Some adoptees feel a lot of loss, some a little, some none.  But, there's no reason to say any of them is wrong or defective because of it, or that any of them is somehow "better/poorly adjusted" or had a "better/bad experience" due to how s/he feels about the events surrounding relinquishment/adoption.

I, personally, have experienced some loss.  I don't feel devastated, nor does the loss I feel stop me from enjoying my life.  But, I certainly cannot deny that its existence.  That would be dishonest.  Recognizing it allowed me to develop a much more positive and realistic  perspective on who I am.  It has afforded me a much more enjoyable life because I have allowed myself to just be who I am and understand a little more about myself.  And, wouldn't you agree that it's important for a person to accept himself or herself as s/he is in order to continue to grow and progress throughout  life?  I certainly think so.  

No one gets through life without having SOME kind of issue.  Why should it matter to any other person from where that issue originates?  All people process events differently because of who they individually are.  Judging other or even oneself for that is foolish, at best.

Answer 2

Personality!!!  I was just talking about this with a friend the other night.  Why would three children raised in the same biological family grow up to have totally different feelings about their parents?  PERSONALITY!   And that's not something the adoptive parents can give.  It's a conglomeration of the two biological parents and their families, and what each person decides to take into account in their own lives (for instance, I could say 100 times to someone "this, too, shall pass", and they may not hear it...but I could say it ONCE to another person, and they'd take it on as a motto for life).

Just my two cents.

Answer 3

I don't feel any loss, here is my situation and maybe it can help you figure out any differences.



My bMom was 15, got raped and hid her pregnancy until labor. I was taken immediately out of the room so she would not see me and put into a foster home until 1 day before my 1 month birthday when I went home to my aparents. They have 3 boys, all bio children. My aMom allowed me full access to my adoption records and papers, she answered any question I had honestly and fully. I can't remember being told I was adopted, it was just something I grew up knowing. She would have no problem if I wanted to look for my birth Mom (I don't ) They were loving and I belong in that family. Like I said in a different question, it was never that I was someone else's child they took in, I was her daughter, she just had to get me a different way.

I do feel bad that some people are feeling a loss about their adoption, I do hope they can find ways to make people see it as I do. I don't know if I helped at all but that is my situation.

Wow, now I'm a shallow addict in denial because I had a wonderful life and don't feel any loss for someone who was just a womb to me. Don't take your pain out on others. Perhaps some people have issues that go beyond adoption but use it as a scape goat for their problems.

Answer 4

For me I don't necessarily feel a loss.  Actually, I believe it's because of my early years that I have been programmed not to really feel too much of anything as my needs were not met before I was adopted.  I think it's a way to protect myself from being hurt or feeling abandoned again.  

To be honest it's not about trying to act like everything is okay...for me it IS okay.  It doesn't mean there aren't days that it doesn't bother me or that in the past I didn't have anger but also I never really thought much about feeling a 'loss'.  I've never been one to regret anything. I live for the moment & plan for the future without dwelling on the past.  That's just me but I can completely understand where individuals feel a great sense of loss.  We're all wired differently and certain things really touch people's hearts more so than other.

Answer 5

Maybe some people are more aware of their feelings and others are just suppressing them. (MAYBE!!!! Its only a suggestion. Other people say they "came out of the fog" so I'm guessing they were suppressing stuff. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone!!)

Obviously different situations and different personalities also have an impact. Although my brother and I had the same upbringing, I'm in reunion and he's not interested in his birth family at all.

Sometimes it just hits people at different times. Maybe when my brother has children, he'll feel different. Maybe its just his personality & he really isnt interested. Some people find it easier to move on than others.

My amom thinks it's because they adopted him when he was a few weeks old, but adopted me when I was a couple of months old. So, according to her, older adoptees are more likely to feel the loss. (I was only 4 months old, but oh well)

I believe its generally also more of a female thing. I think more women than men feel the loss.

Maybe anyone interested in family history would feel it more than people who aren't interested in their biological family history.

Also, I was adopted from a different country, but my brother wasn't, so I was brought up in a different culture, with a different nationality, different religion etc, to what I would have been had I remained with my biological family. Maybe that makes a difference.

These are all generalizations, so obviously there are always exceptions, but in my experience, that's generally how it goes.

Why am I getting thumbs down?? I'm only making suggestions. I've already said its all generalizations.

Answer 6

I was adopted at age 2 months after a month in an incubator and a month in foster care.  My adoptive parents are/were (a'dad is dead) wonderful people who gave me a wonderful upbringing.

But I was adopted in 1965, when these things weren't talked about much--in fact, at the time my a'parents were considered radical for telling me I am adopted.  So I wonder if it was society's refusal to recognize my loss that made me feel it so keenly--maybe it's easier on younger adoptees?  

Or maybe we do have some kind of pre-birth awareness, meaning that people like me absorbed, somehow, their first mother's feelings of shame.  I don't know either.  How I wish I did!

Answer 7

I feel a loss, but I never enforce that feeling on any other adoptees. Thats not right. You cant tell people how to feel can you.

Answer 8

Good question. It’s probably just because everyone is different. Maybe it has some to do with personality. Then again sometimes I think that if people feel the loss they were just meant too, those that don’t just were not meant to feel the loss.  

I feel much the same mommyof2 does. My parents were always willing to share any information they had with me, when / if I wanted it.  I always knew I was adopted as they told me from a young age but it’s not like they made a big deal out of it. If I wanted to search which I don’t, they would help and support me.  I deeply care about Family, but my genetic/natural family whatever you want to call them they are not my family. They are no more family then some Joe Blow I pass on the street.  I can be a very sensitive person at times, and many who personnel know me would say I am a deep thinker.  I also love history.

The only think I feel I lost was having racist family members. Or the loss of having an unstable home, living on the streets, being raised by a drug addict parent.  These are not losses simply blessings.

Answer 9

I can only speak second hand... and I think that there is a difference between feeling the "loss" and and living in the loss.

I would love to hear about and support studies on this topic.

Also, having grown up with, and married to an adopted person for 14 years I think these feelings have cycles... I think that it is a part of processing and that at time these feelings are greater than at other times...

Just as I love my parents--and know they did their very best I also have to process my own life history... Some times I remember those things that made me hurt--or think that by today's standards I was an abused child.... Other times I know that it was hard and my parents loved me...other times I wish I would have been placed myself--I had teenage parents.

As the years go by I have watched my ex go though a variety of feelings including loss...writing his own story line...wanting to search--not wanting to search--feeling the loss and then not feeling it... Protecting his Amom and then attacking her... believing she had to adopt because she was frigid--believing he had to be the product of rape....

Since we still share our children we still talk--we still actually have care for each other and I have been able to witness his reunion... so.... I know that my ex has lived a variety of ups and downs as his life progressed and being part of his life for nearly 30 years I see that his feelings have NEVER just stuck.

As an adoptive parent part of our training included understanding that Everyone including people that were not adopted have Feelings about the subject. There are interesting studies about the "General" population and how Kids think about adoption. Adoptive Parents want to know these things and even how Other children think and feel about our children... Even ordinary people need time to process the concepts...

I think that it is possible to feel the loss and to understand it...to grow from it... I think the loss is greater at times and at other times it is not... Either way it is normal I believe to go though these feelings...

Where I think Anyone dealing with Any Loss hurts them self more is becoming Stuck in it... Loss is Real and it is actually a very important part of life... For example I believe that we have pets--so we can learn to Grieve Death before we need to grieve our own parents death...

I think some of us deal with loss and grief better than others--or better at times then at other times...  I know what loss feels like and I know that as I walk through my life sometimes a Loss that I suffered Years ago will stirk me over the head and bring on the saddness....

It has been nearly 10 years since we lost our 12 year old Niece to a drunk driver.... Most days all of us do well and move about our day just fine and then sometimes for no reason just doing life suddenly the TEARS flood and the sorrow is so real--the dream of What Jennifer would be right now a few months after her 21 st birthday is Horrible... The loss is consuming--the wondering is real the feelings are deep and no amount of tears will ever bring her back... and then we all have to cry and move forward.

It is the Move Forward that is harder for some then others... And harder at some times then at other times... Important dates and important moments in life make it more real--and then there are times we actually forget she is gone...

....and then we step back and have to remember we not only lost Jenny--but we lost my father-in-law that day too.... We suffer personal guilt and shame that He Is Not grieved in the same way, and then we feel bad that his loss feel less then hers...and we go though another cycle of loss feelings....

There are certain specific issues that anyone who suffers loss deals with--there are stages of grief and they go round and round....never staying the same one day to the next....

Answer 10

Ever since I discover Yahoo! Answers, I have thought about this exact question. I don't have an answer, but I discussed it with several adoptees IRL - I have several friends who were adopted - to see what they think. Of the 5 of us, only one feels incredible pain about her relinquishment, and she says she has an incredible and supportive family (adopted) but hasn't found her bfamily yet. 2 others (including myself) have searched and found our bfamily members (with the support of our afamilies), and are happy and content in our families, and are happy for our relationship with our bparents. 1 more feels happy and supported and secure in her family, and doesn't intend to search, and one more was found by her bmom, doesn't feel like she belongs or fits with her bfamily at all, kind of resents that her bmom found her, and says it just proves that she was meant to be with her afamily.

So really - questioning my friends made it even less clear.  May be it is as Laurie says - we are all just made differently.

Answer 11

I'm going to get a bunch of thumbs down because there are people thumbs downing EVERYTHING I say but....

Maybe I'm wrong...I'm not adopted, but I would venture to say that every adoptee on some level even a tiny one feels some degree of loss.....even if it is just a tinge of wondering what could have been.

Maybe you feel loss BECAUSE you had a great upbringing.  You know what a good family feels like.  It isn't either or....missing or grieving your birth parents doesn't make you disloyal, unappreciative or mean you don't love your adopted family...some people might feel that way and thus not allow themselves to even consider the feeling?

Some people are more sensitive than others, they feel more or they allow themselves to feel it....maybe some people just can't identify the mildly nagging feeling they have as loss.

I don't know if you can ever fix the primal feeling of the person who gave you life didn't choose to keep you, for whatever the reason was...even when it was done legally, ethically, and out of love.

These are the feelings I've seen in the people I've worked with.  All mixed together with loyalty and love and feeling like they are being "unfaithful" to one mother if they embrace the next...even when adoptive mom is supportive.

I think educating people about it...TOLERANCE on both sides, open communication without judgement and this militant attitude both sides have.

I really believe you are trying to make things better.  I apologize if I've been hurtful to you personally.  I really am not trying to stir the pot as you put it....I'm trying to get people to consider ALL sides instead of theirs all of the time.

Answer 12

I am not an adoptee but an AP. But I would like to thank this questioner for acknowledging that not all adoptees do feel the same way and for wanting to understand why.

My daughter has a good upbringing also. Not in the sense of material things but lots of family (including bio family) who love her very much. She fits in. In her future I would hope that her having had all the pieces to her puzzle from the beginning are a huge part of a positive attitude toward her adoption.

PS-I really wish Y!A would add "adoptee" to the spell check!

Answer 13

This is a very good question.

To be sure (so that this isn't thrown back on me later), all adoption involves loss.  But not everyone feels it (as I have long acknowledged).  As to why that is, I'm not sure I can say.

I know that I have felt the loss.  I have always felt it.  I knew something was different, something was missing.  Not love.  I had that.  Was it a sense of security?  Was it a sense of connectedness?  Was it a sense of belonging?  I'm not sure.  The feeling of loss has been with me as long as I can remember.  Since I'm not sure when it began, I cannot be entirely sure where it came from.  But I assume it came from a recognition that someone who was supposed to be there, wasn't.  

Why don't other adoptees feel that way?  I don't know.  I don't think my family did anything wrong.  They have always been accepting and supportive.  So if it's not them, is it just personality differences?  If so, then there really is nothing adoptive families can do.  Some adoptees clearly are abused and mistreated.  But beyond that, for those of us who were mistreated, if there is no explanation for why some feel the loss and some don't, then adoption will continue to be the luck of the draw.  APs will never know if their adoptee will feel loss (unless it happens and the adoptee shares...  I have never talked to my adoptive parents about it).  And there's nothing APs can do to prevent it.  If it is environmental, there seems to be no unity of experience that gives rise to the awareness.  Some adoptees feel it early (like myself) and some adoptees don't feel it until their teens or twenties or later.  

It doesn't seem to be caused by experiences.  And I don't know what personality characteristic (or set of characteristics) give rise to the awareness of loss.  It's a good question, but one that probably requires more experimental study than we can give it here.  Still, I'm prone to speculation myself and am fascinated by the various responses.

Answer 14

I've been trying to figure this out too.  Part of it, I think, is based on personality.  Some of us are more reflective, some feel more deeply, some more analytical. Some individuals focus much more on present circumstances.  I have done some work with "end-of-life" issues and resposes to grief vary greatly among individuals based on their personalities.  I think this is true for adoption too.

It can also depend on the time of one's life.   Certain events like childbirth can trigger a feeling of loss that was never there, or reunion with bioparents, middle age etc...

Sometimes people also have other issues that are in the forefront of their lives.  It is not that they are in denial, it is that they are choosing not to "deal" with feelings or issues.  They've put them aside for another time.  For me, I had a very traumatic/violent event in my life.  I think that this event has been in the forefront of what I have needed to deal with over the years.  Any issues related to adoption have paled in comparison.   That is not to say I don't have adoption related issues, it is just that they don't seem as significant to me as those related to this other event.  As time has gone by and I have come to terms with "that",  I am finding more room in my heart to deal with adoption issues.  

    I think you are right that there is much more to this than "good experience" vs, "bad experience"    Adoption is obviously a life changing event and people  react to it  indvidually maybe based on their personalities, religious beliefs, upbringing etc....There are so many possible factors.

Answer 15

I really don't think it's that they don't feel the loss...at some point in time I think we all feel it.  Just like any type of pain, some people heal a little faster than others.  

For me, it wasn't so much "loss" that hurt me, as it was the feelings of rejection.  Feelings like "well if your own mother didn't want you, why would anyone?"

I guess for me, the healing began after meeting them [my mother died two weeks before I found her], but I had cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother...them telling me that when I was ripped out of their lives and that they searched and tried to keep me...realizing that someone out there was really thinking about you, during those times I felt so alone.

Answer 16

Great question Lillie - this has also been on my mind a lot lately.

Some others have bought up some very good points -

- personality

- gender

- feelings definately have there own cycles (feelings change through time & can be triggered by life circumstance)

I don't really think age of relinquishment/adoption in infant adoption is a key factor as I was relinquished at 1 week - and adopted at 2 weeks of age. I always felt a loss.

I don't think that having a good adoptive family makes a difference - as many of the adoptees that I know had great families - but they still feel the loss. I did.

I think that truth plays a huge factor.

If the adoption was necessary (ie no coercion whatsoever) and the AP's always allowed the truth to be known - including passing on all relevant info to the adoptee (at best - holding back their own personal judgments) - then I think that an adoptee has an easier time coming to terms with their relinquishment. They can still feel loss (and some don't) - but things can just play out calmer.

For example - my grandmother forced my mother to give me up even though my father offered marriage, then they went on to marry and have 3 more kids, PLUS my a-mum wouldn't allow me my truth - wouldn't allow me to even ask questions - wouldn't allow me to express curiosity or grief.

For me - this DIDN'T work well.

I spent way too much time daydreaming in my youth - and now that I've found my first family - and see what I missed out on - the loss feels (at times) like a vast open pit.

For those that know their truth (no lies, no secrets) and have AP's that allow them to talk - freely, openly, expressing whatever it is they want to feel - AND they know that their own adoption was a necessity (ie there was no way they could have been kept) - then an adoptee can come to peace with it all a lot easier.

Lies always backfire.

Secrets should be abolished.

Adoptions should be ethical - at all times.

No one should ever tell an adoptee how they should feel.

Adoptees should be allowed to feel - whatever it is that they want to feel - and they should be allowed to change their minds on how they feel - as everyone's feelings can change over time.

Answer 17

Two words:  the fog.

Answer 18

In my case, it was because I was relenquished at nearly two and a half, long after I had already developed a bond with my birth mother & then to worsen that I was abused by my a parents.

My amom would beat on me because if I wasnt allowed to do something I would claim "my other mother " would let me. So obviously I knew.

I think had I been adopted under different circumstances, those feelings of loss & abandonment wouldnt have been as profound as they were... but who knows?

Answer 19

I am not an adoptee but I have to say I think this was a great question! I hope you do not mind me answering.

Could it just be a combination of factors?

-Personality?

-Upbringing?

-Genetics?

-Early observations of how people around you dealt with grief?

-Illness - as in having a medical problem dx and the need to know more about medical hx?

-Birth of children?

-Death of an adoptive parent?

-Marriage/ Divorce?

-Questions of faith/ beliefs?

-Loss or change in employment  (may seem silly but it seems this would have a profound affect on everyone and cause for reflection)?

-Aging of the adoptee?

-Death of a child?

Answer 20

I do not think that it has anything to do with upbringing, or how much you love your parents.  I believe it is that little bug that wonders all those silly little questions.  Like who do I look like, why did they do this, who are they,  I could go on and on.

Maybe they should have to give a profile for the kid they are giving up, with picture, reasons, what they do.  My point since having kids how can you really go through and hand that baby away?  That is the one I will never understand.

Answer 21

Well, first off I'd like to thank you for acknowledging that some adoptees don't feel the loss the same way as others, and not just writing them off as "in denial or "in a fog"

I really can't say for sure what makes the difference. Maybe it's partly in the reason for relinquishment (for example, I know there are alot of adoptees on here, ones who keenly feel the loss, who were Baby scoop era babies, whose mother was forced to relinquish them against her will.) I don't know.. I think there's probably many factors that are involved, the important thing is to realize that each adoptee has different "factors" in their lives, different variables, and not all will react the same way! Some will see their adoption as a good thing for them.. THat's okay!! Maybe it was! Who are we, strangers on the internet, to know it wasn't?  THe same goes for vice versa.. I have never tried to tell an adoptee that has suffered psychologically and emotionally from their adoption, that they shouldn't feel what they feel..

But to answer your question, I think the adoptive upbringing, knowledge/lack of knowledge about bparents, siblings the adoptee didn't get to grow up with, reason for relinquishment, are all POTENTIAL "factors"

I too, as a PAP, would like to know. I'd love my future child child to feel 100% secure in our family (belonging)  and feel that everything (whether it's all good or not) has worked out for the best, in the end, and he/she "wouldn't want to change it"

Just like there are things that aren't perfect about my upbringing, but It still worked out to be a happy life and I wouldn't change it, the good or the bad.

Pheonix: in my opinion we shouldn't imply or encourage others to think, that people are "supressing"  there is no way for us to know this about someone else!!! You SAY everyone is affected differently, but you still talk like it WILL affect everyone if only they would allow it to, or it's only a matter of time.. See the difference? You are not really promoting the idea (truth, I believe) that everyone experiences and feels differently about adoption.. And for different people "family" means different things. To some people, biological relation means nothing, it's all about who you grew up with, who loved you, who was there when you were sick, who was at your sports games, who said "I love you" every night after reading you a bedtime story.. So to say that your brother isn't interested in "family" is not exactly fair.. You could say he's not interested in geneology, perhaps..

ETA

WOW, as usual, Sunny stays on the extreme, every adoptee should-feel-this-way-whether-he-realizes... side.. WOW, how unbalanced can an answer be??

Answer 22

I think it just comes down to the fact that people are individuals.  No two people are going to see any situation (whether it's an adoption or anything else) the same way.  

I was adopted at six weeks and have always known I was adopted.  I have never felt a sense of loss and have never felt any desire to search for my birthfamily.  I don't think this in any way constitutes denial on my part.  It's just not a need that I have.

Answer 23

Here are some reasons:

-Some use activities and substances to self medicate instead of feeling (avoidant personalities and addicts)

-Some don't want to face is because it hurts too much.

-Some will never admit it to anyone, even themselves.

-Some feel it, but not enough to do anything about it.

-Some are in denial and do not access feelings.

-Some are just not 'deep' people, and life life on the surface.

-Some lie.

Answer 24

thanks Lillie- for acknowledging some feel losses and other don't.  I can honestly say, that I am not a person who suppresses my feelings, actually at times I base a lot of what I do on feelings= however, I never felt a loss= that does not mean others don't however. I have 2 adopted children as well, and my daughter feels no loss, but I think my son from time to time does- and he has had the privilege of meeting his birth family- which I believe was a good thing, but at the same time brought out a lot of feelings he may have suppressed- because that is more of his personality.  So I really cannot answer your question except to say= it has to do with your personality and upbringing. The combination I think makes the difference. Like I said before I don't hide my feelings, and my son has a tendency to do that.