Why do some adoptees want to make adoptive parents look live villians and bio. parents look like victims?

Question

Why can't they accept the fact that it was the bio. parents that had to initiate the adoption process. They are also the ones that could have stopped it.

Even if the adoptive parents weren't supportive of them reuniting with their bio parents, it was the bio. parents that caused the separation. They may have been wrong in not offering support, but they are still not evil villians.

Answer 1

Yes Mama kate, thanks for saying "sometimes". Your totally right. I think the asker is wondering why so much bashing goes on for just situations that happen "sometimes". Why everyone of us "adopters" have to get the thumbs down and the bashing constantly just because of the "sometimes".

Answer 2

Uh excuse me, but you might want to know what you are talking about before you open your mouth. in my adoption, my biological mother had no choice. none what so ever.  her mother literally came and took me out of the hospital without my mothers permission and gave me to the adoption agency.  then mom was badgered, pestered, threatened, starved, belittled and everything else her mother and father and the agency could think of to get her to sign the papers. she should on her own for three months until they finally broke her down.  so next time you go opening your mouth, know what you are talking about.

Answer 3

I'm not angry with my mother OR my aparents.  Mother had NO CHOICE in 1960s America.  No social programs, no spousal support, no parental support.

Aparents were clueless, and believed what was peddled by the Adoption Machine.  Besides, I'm SURE that had no children been available, they'd have accepted their fate and MOVED on.

PAP/APs today are very sophisticated, and far more privileged than their "birthmothers".  Some, in tandem with social workers and attorneys go to great lengths to manipulate and exploit these women.  I'm not talking about the meth heads and drunks either.

There seems to be NO END to what some needy, greedy PAPs will do to get a baby.  I honestly don't know how some of them sleep at night.

Answer 4

I think your point is valid and there should be a lot more use of "most", "sometimes" and "some" in this group. I know bad things happen to bio.parents in the adoption process some of the time. But all babies are not stolen from their natural parents (it is disgusting that it could ever happen).

I'm an adoptive parent, and I feel very good about my daughter's adoption and the way her natural mom was  treated. (The dad was a jerk who ran away from his responsibility and didn't support her at all, so too bad for him.) I hope my daughter feels good about this when she is old enough to understand it all too, but she'll have to decide that for herself.

Answer 5

I have no idea why they do that.  I'm sooo fed up with all that kind of talk.  But they just have to blame someone- so why not the easy targets?

Answer 6

For many different and complicated reasons, I'm sure.  But you are kind of doing the same thing, don't you think?  You are making biological parents out to be villains. The justifications behind biological parents' actions are just as diversified and complicated, and not in any way intended to harm.  Nobody should be "blamed" or vilified.  Not adoptive parents or bio parents.

Answer 7

Because AP are an easy target.   If the birthmoms are so bitter, then they should of used birth contol

Answer 8

I've never heard the version you are telling.  I've only heard the opposite.  I guess it can happen.  Maybe its because the adoptee is desperate to find their parents and has brainwashed themselves into believing they were good people who couldn't raise them.

Answer 9

I am with you 100% on this one.

I think APs are an easy target. They ARE the ones who "benefit" from the adoption.  Some are angry at their own parents and aim their anger towards us.

There are some people who wil do ANYTHING to get a baby, and they give APs a bad name.

It seems that there is a lot of generalizing, with little support.

It used to bother me.....but I KNOW that I am a great parent. Thats all that matters.

I'm not their parent, I'm my kids parent and a d@mn good one at that. I wish I could have had me as a mom

Answer 10

You know what, it goes both ways: I've seen adoptees get trampled over. I've seen first moms belittled. And I've seen adoptive moms villified. This is the web. Welcome to the concept of "cyber courage." People vent and get out everything they would love to say or to ask, but could never fathom doing so in real life. They don't feel safe. Who doesn't need to vent sometimes?

Honestly, the judgments and generalizations used to bother me A LOT. I took it personally. I thought they actually were saying it directly to me, and it hurt. But, how could they? They don't know me. We all have stories. We all have experiences. On a bad day, it can still get to me, especially if I made a "parenting mistake" on that day. I can still lash out. But it quickly passes.

The truth: something can only hurt you if you believe it is true. If someone is calling you a villain, do you believe that is true? Because if it isn't, then how can it hurt.

Today sassy girl said: "you rock, mommy."

Yea, I think I'll take her word for it.

Answer 11

all too often,the bio parents are still beset by the problems that led them to give up the children in the first place-monetary,psychological and sometimes substance/alcohol abuse.for every 1 blissful,harmonious reunion,i think there are probably 2 disapointing ones.its good to kno ur heritage and to see people who have ur face,ur body build and ur expressions-but ur adoptive parents wanted you,raised you and are ur "real" parents in every sense-they celebrate ur triumphs and cry over ur tragedies.thats "family."like women who believe they will live "happily ever after" if only they could meet the right man,adoptees often have a fantasy-life expectation_"you grounded me for 2 weeks?ur not my real parents-my real parents would never do that!!!"  uhhhh-yes,they would!!!!!!!that being said,sometimes the adopted child/parents are a poor fit,emotionally and intelligence-wise.a friend of mine was a very unhappy adoptee-his i.q was measured at 174-a super genius,whose hobby was physics.his parents and adopted siblings were of average intelligence,and talk was strained,they didnt know what he was talking about most of the time.they all did theyre best,but it was never a gr8 match-they were quiet,staid and reserved,he was expressive,ascerbic and voluble.they tried,but it was like apples and oranges-few points of convergence or comparison.i think at that point,adoptees try to find their bio families,to see if they are better understood.in this case,no happy ending.yes,the bio mom was extremely intelligent-but suffered from mental illness to a gr8 degree-no bond was formed.

Answer 12

I agree with what Lara said, that they are angry at their own parents and take it out on us.

I wouldn't wish any of their adoption circumstances on anyone. But I'm not responsible for it.

I'm a great adoptive mom to my daughter and she will never have the identity or search issues that they have had to live with. I made sure of that 11 years ago.

I wish them all well and understand...but I didn't do it to them.

Answer 13

"Why can't they accept the fact that it was the bio. parents that had to initiate the adoption process. They are also the ones that could have stopped it."

Why can't you accept that not all first parents had a say in their child's adoption or that not all first parents had any power to stop the adoption?

Geez, you certainly are misinformed aren't you?

Answer 14

Just for fun...nothing better to do.

Answer 15

Dear Ms A,

Because sometimes that is the case.

ETA: Thanks Sk8termom! I have said it lots on here that ALL adoptions are different. I think to generalize or make blanket statements is silly and counter productive and happens entirely too much on this site!

ETA2: I think everyone here could say they are 'picked on" at some point! I get thumbs down just for being a First Mom too!

ETA3: See what I mean!?

Answer 16

Because it's the truth all too often.  I don't believe there are very many AP's who truly believe they are more entitled to someone else's baby than the natural mother is (although there are too many of "them" to count, I don't believe it's the norm).  But natural parents are "victims" in WAY too many instances to dismiss.  Too often, natural parents DIDN'T initiate the adoption process without some coercion, and too often, natural parents COULDN'T stop the adoption, no matter how much they wanted to.  Too often, the natural parent DIDN'T "cause" the separation.

You are right, though, that doesn't necessarily make AP's villains.  More often than not, it's the "third parties" that are so invested in the "evil-doing".  I think the point that's being made is NOT that AP's are evil villains, but that they drive the industry.

Side note:  Did you know that a few years back, a toxic agent was being used to make toothpaste in China?  This toothpaste was being exported to other countries and people were DYING!  You know what China said about that?  Too bad.  As long as people want cheap toothpaste, we'll do whatever we need to do to make it and sell it.  That's pretty much what's going on in the adoption industry.  As long as there are people WANTING other people's kids, the adoption industry will keep finding ways to crank out the babies.  The adopters aren't directly at fault.  But consider, if people went back to making their own home-made toothpaste out of baking soda and herbs, the folks in China would have to figure out a way to sell their toothpaste without harming people, or they'd have to quit manufacturing it altogether.  And if people quit trusting in a messed up system so that they can become parents, this coercion, baby farming, kidnapping, and child trafficking would stop.

MORE people need to speak up about the attrocities in adoption, not less.  The more people who speak up, the less these things will happen.