Why do some adoptive parents keep it a secret?

Question

we are adopting an infant and i've collected adoption kids books, adoptive baby albums, etc. and i will tell them that they are adopted right away, it will be a normal part of their life. i think it's a beautiful thing and i will tell them that we chose them. my children will be raised with good morals and lying will not exist.

why do some lie to their kids?

adoptees, what did it feel like when you found out?

Answer 1

I wasn't adopted but my cousin was.  He's 18 now, but I remember when they brought him home.  He was still a very young baby, but I don't remember a time when he wasn't aware that he was adopted.  I am not sure how much info he knew about his birth family, but it was never a secret.  

I think some people decide not to tell the kids "until they are old enough to understand", because they don't want the kids feeling like someone else didn't want them.  I think, like you, that it leads to feelings of mistrust from the adoptive parents.  I can imagine that some people, especially in the past, probably chose to pretend the child is their biological child because they are somewhat ashamed by not being able to become pregnant.   They don't want other people to know, so they just hide it.  Soem people probably don't want to face the fact that someday the child may want to search for their birth parents.  They don't want to take the chance that they will want a relationship with them.  

I think you are doing great by being honest from the front and I wish your family the best!~

Answer 2

My mom was adopted.  She was slowly told information as she was old enough to understand it.

My mom adopted my little brother and it was the same way.  As he was old enough to understand, she started telling him more and more.

I think some people just claim them as their own (which they are) and never think twice about.  Its not that the parent plots to NEVER tell the child about their biological parents.  Once you adopt a child, that is YOUR child.  You don't introduce them as "Hi, this is Pete, my adopted son".  Nope, its just "this is my son".  So I think that's why some people don't even go into detail about it.  That's not lying to me.

Maybe some parents are protecting the child from something.  Maybe his/her biological parents were rapists and murderers, who knows?

Either way, people do things the way that works best for them and their families.  Maybe not telling them is what they think is best.

Answer 3

Maybe because they dont want o to hurt their feelings and so that way they wont be raised with the guilt that they are adopted kids. I think is more of a sentimental stuff more than anything else.

Answer 4

i don't remember being told, my aparents told me when I was very young. My parents say a part of me died that day. I cried for almost a month straight and "wanted my REAL mother" right away.

I cried for a month straight every night when I went to sleep, i wanted my mother. I didn't want to be with my aparents. And then one day I stopped. And i never spoke to them about her again until I found my first family when i was 21 years old.

I take that back, they gave me my non id when I was 12. So we talked about it then.

I don't understand you WILL tell them right away. Tell your infant NOW. She/he already knows anyways, its not about sitting them down one day and telling them, tell them NOW.

how do you know if it will be "normal" for them?

if you say its beautiful to your child, when they are in pain from losing their first family theres a large chance that will register into their brain that "pain = beautiful" it happens to adoptees frequently from what I see. It happens from the suppression of their pain by society tellnig them to be greatful and the last thing they need is their parents telling them its beautiful too.

For all of this "beauty" a child has lost her/his mother regardless of if it was best of not. And that hurts. thats pain. thats NOT beautiful.

Answer 5

Our first son was adopted as an infant because allegedly I couldn't have children and our biological son arrived 10 months later via a cesarean section.  Everyone thought they were twins - not so - even although both were born in the same year.  Strange though , both born with red hair and with dimples in their chins later one had dark hair and the other blonde, go figure!

The children were never lied to - ever.  They had fun as children deciding which one was adopted and which one was the cesarean.  We never made a big deal of either.  But they were told as much as they could accept at an early age.  Both of the the children always knew who their parents were and who their brother was and they are very close.  

Our adopted son had a few questions around 16 and he did receive the answers...but with all those hormones flying around we didn't quite give him enough information to seek out his biological parents.  We gave him all of the information we had when he was 21 and offered to assist him but he had lost interest.

He is 36 years old now and the question came up again because he has a young son and his wife wanted him to find out if there was any hereditary medical information they should know about.  Well he did enquire through the correct channels and is very sorry he did so but still doesn't regret having done it.  His biological mother is still alive and has her life and doesn't want any communication.  His biological father committed suicide some time ago, don't know the reason, but he does have a half brother somewhere in Europe who probably doesn't know he exists and the biological grandfather is still alive but really is not interested in any communication as he is quite elderly now.

He found out - moved on - actually moved back into a more comfortable place.  

More than you asked for I'm sure.  But we are a happy family with our ups and downs like everyone else.  All will be at the Christmas dinner along with the grandchildren.

There are times in life that we must be careful what we ask for because we might just get it.

Answer 6

I suspect there are many reasons for why people might lie to their kids.  Probably some believe it's in the best interest of the children.  Some probably have more selfish reasons.  I don't think it's a good idea, though, whatever the reason.

I was told when I was very young.  I couldn't have been older than about four or five (and possibly younger).  My parents told me, and I don't recall thinking anything about it.  They gave me a little gavel that they told me the judge had given them at the final hearing.  I thought the gavel was cool.  (A little boy with a wooden hammer?  Come on!  How could that not be fun?)

I know being adopted caused me to have some questions and caused me some problems, but I'm glad I knew.  I think I would have had a lot more difficulty if I hadn't been told early on.

Answer 7

People handle it differently for different reasons. As an adoptive mother I can think of a couple of reasons a parents might not tell the child.

First, they may fear a negative reaction. That the child might not take it well in some way, may feel bad about their adoption or may change their feelings about their parents.

The parents may also have every intention of telling their child but keep putting it off until it seems too late to tell the child. Experts do not agree on what age is the right age to tell a child they are adopted. Some experts say the child should always know, some say wait until the child can process the information (which is a different age for each child). This is a hard conversation to have.

It's very easy to know the right thing to do and still have a hard time doing it.

Having said that, I don't think either of these excuses are good excuses - but I do understand them. Personally, I have gone with the "always know" philosophy. My daughter is only 2 and does not understand the meaning of adoption, but we have stories that we tell her about her birth and adoption. There will never be any big reveal, she will just know. Time will tell if that will end up being the best way, but it is what we have gone with.

Answer 8

Here is a quote from an article that I have just read.

“Adoptive parents discuss adoption with their children in different ways. Some parents can talk easily about the subject and encourage their children to ask questions and share their feelings. Others, often because of their own insecurities about their right to be parents, say little about adoption, or even say negative things about a child's birth parents. "

Since people are different they are bound to react to adoption in a different way, or tell in a different way. I feel that if a parent is open and honest in their communication regarding the child's adoption, the child will be okay with the adoption. It's when the parents lie to the child, that there can be more profound issues with the adoption.

Answer 9

My parents told me I was adopted when I was nine and it felt like my whole world came crashing down around me. I felt like I had been living a lie. I felt frantic - like I had to find my mother to see if she was okay. I worried about her constantly.

People lie due to their own insecurities and inadequacies. Some adoptive parents don't want their kids asking questions or can't deal with the thought that their children might actually *gasp* love their natural parents so they never tell them and pretend they are their biological kids.  

I would also like to suggest that unless there are a plethora of children you are choosing from that you are not actually choosing your children. That's another lie tied up in adoption that drives me crazy. People choose to adopt - they don't choose the child.

Answer 10

well, I can tell you how my daughter feels now - at age (almost) 3.  I know she doesn't really get the part about having a birth mother, but we talk about how I went to get her and how she was living in a different place and that she was living in a baby hospital and not living in a home with a mommy and that I wanted to have a child, and so I went to get her.  I tell her all about the trip, and all the memories I have of staying 6 weeks in her birth country.  She knows she is adopted and that she didn't grow in my tummy. (She's noticing how babies grow in tummies, so that's how that came up).  So far she has never asked about whose tummy she grew in and how all that happened.  When she starts asking, I will figure out how to tell her, and I will show her the one picture I have of her birth mom.  For now, she loves to hear her adoption story, and it's part of her identity.  She says that she is going to adopt a baby some day.  I'm sure there will be harder questions later, but I think we've started off the right way.  I also have friends who've adopted, and I make sure that she gets to know them so that she will know that many children are adopted.  One thing I decided not to do is to not romanticize her birth mom giving her up.  I have no idea whatsoever why her birth mom did not want her.  So I'm not going to say anything either negative or positive about her reasons.  I have heard some people say things like "Your birth mother loved you very much but couldn't take care of you so gave you up" and to me that seems like a mind bender:  your mom loved you but didn't want you??  I don't know that my daughter's birth mom loved her or wanted to keep her.  I'm going to try to stick with what I know, which is very little.  And I'm going to try to focus on what I DO know which is that I love her very much and adopted her because she is my daughter through and through.  Every night before she goes to sleep, I tell her that she makes me the happiest mama on earth and that I'm so glad I adopted her.

Answer 11

Well, everyone has "a reason" for everything they do.  Having "a reason" does not justify an action such as dishonesty.  Dishonesty is never okay.  Assuming that someone "can't handle the truth" because the truth may be unsavory is a demeaning assumption.  

I was told right from the start that I was adopted, and quite happy that my adoptive parents had the decency to always tell me the truth.  Lying for any reason decreases the trust level in a relationship, even if the one receiving the lies intellectually understands the liar's "reason."  

Keeping the truth about your child's adoption from him or her only reinforces the old stigmas about adoption that suggest it is shame-based.  Such stigmas were even related in some of the answers already given here.  

Growing up knowing that I was adopted made me feel that it was perfectly okay to be adopted and reinforced to me that my adoptive parents loved me the same as my younger brother, who is biologically theirs.

When records started sealing (which was not always a practice in adoption, and has never been a practice in Alaska and Kansas,) the reasons given were to hide the shame of infertility and of adoption.  Adopted children were looked upon as "coming from bad stock," so adoptive parents didn't want anyone knowing that their child may be a "bad seed."  Looking back through law in various states shows this to be the case.  Some of the unscrupulous adoption agencies of the days were all for this because they did not wish for anyone to find out that they didn't always follow the laws when it came to their adoption practices.



Some adoptive parents also fear that their child will love them less or prefer to be with their natural family if they know they are adopted.  These adoptive parents do not understand that adopted people really are capable of loving them just the same, as their parents, even if they have a relationship with their natural parents.  Such a relationship does not negate the reality of the parent/child relationship that forms between adoptive parents and the children they adopt.  If this relationship is poor, it's not because they were adopted, it's because of issues within the relationship itself.  This also happens in relationships between natural parents and children.  Just look around at the number of people blaming their natural parents who raised them for their problems today.  Therapists' offices are full of them.  Self-centered fear is a truly poor excuse for keep the truth from someone.

Interesting it is that the truth works, but that lies can ultimately cause problems that take a lot of time and work to fix.  

I commend you for the choice to be honest with the children you plan to adopt.

Answer 12

I learned at 5.  My mom used to tell me stories about when she was little and she sd she had a different kind of story and she just told me.  I remember being a little sad for the lady that gave me up but happy I was with my family.  Later when my grown brother came in to kiss me goodnight, I told him I was adopted but he was still my brother!  He didn't know I had been told so he was REALLY shocked!  hahahaha...it was funny, I'm sure.

Answer 13

Some people don't tell the kids because they want to act like they are their natural children.  Assimilate them into the family without them feeling like an outsider.  Unfortunately, when the kids find out later, and they usually do, it isn't always pleasant.

You are doing it right!   Good luck!

:o)