Why do some of you say there are no good sides to adoption?

Question

I would like to know in detail. More than Loss of why there are no good sides to adoption

There will allways be children that aren't wanted why should they live in foster care with no permancy for their hole life. Going from home to home feeling unloved or wanted. What about kids taken from their parents for abuse are they just supposed to be limbo with no family.

I am I want to here your argument and try to understand your side

Answer 1

have you EVER read ANYWHERE on here that says ANYONE believes children shouldn't have permanence?  that they should just go from home to home feeling unloved and unwanted? that we think they should just be in limbo their entire lives?

I'm done explaining my positions to people on this site, who've been here a long time, asking the SAME questions, and not bothering to read past questions, that have ASKED THE SAME THING.

If you don't know by now, then research a little.

ETA: Thanks lady of the.... for your opinion. The solution needs a h**l of a LOT of fixing, i'm glad someones working on it.

ETA:  They said there was nothing good from adoption, they DIDN'T say that children should languish around in foster care with no chance of being loved and finding permanency. Permanence and love and stability can be given to a child without stripping the child of their rights. Legal Guardianship is one option. Adoption isn't what 'SAVES' children / youth / and infants from abuse. Good people are. "Adoption" strips adoptees of their rights and uses them like commodities. For some "foster youth" who've lost too much already adoption seems positive because they have no chance at going back to their first families. But its not "adoption" that they crave, its love and permanence. I'm certainly capable of offering that to children w/out adoption and I think millions of people are as well. America is so black and white, as if "adoption" is the only solution to the millions of orphans and hundred thousand children languishing in foster care.

NONE of those references you referenced are saaying that the children should live in foster care for their whole life. Think outside the box.

ETA: antiadoption.wordpress.com is MY blog. Did you read the "welcome" page. I don't get there as much as I'd like, but if you're going to "post it" i wish you'd at least READ it.

Answer 2

From my experience many people who are against adoption believe that adoptive parents are no substitute for biological ones (which I think is baloney) Instead of fixing the problem, those people try to fix the solutions.

Answer 3

AGAIN---JUST BECAUSE I'M FOR OPEN RECORDS AND ADOPTION REFORM DOES NOT MEAN I THINK ADOPTION IS BAD!! GOODNESS!! IT HAS TO BE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER WITH PEOPLE!

Answer 4

i couldn't agree with gershom more.  i have yet to see someone on here say they think a child should remain in an abusive home.  that they don't think stability is a good thing.  but i do disagree that no adoption should ever take place.  i'm going on your question that only seems to involve foster care type of adoptions.  

can you give examples of where you've seen this?

if you read all through the answers given, more than likely you will see that no one thinks this.  these types of questions just stir things up around here and benefit no one.

Answer 5

Here is a story to ponder.....

Irena Sendler, born in 1910, during the World War II was involved in helping the Jews. First, disguised as nurse, she provided medicines, food and money to the people living in the Warsaw Ghetto. Later on she was charge of the Children's Division of Zegota (a Polish underground group to assist Jewish people). Irena Sendler used her papers as a Polish social worker and papers from one of the workers of the Contagious Disease Department (who was a member of the underground Zegota) to enter the Warsaw Ghetto.

In the ghetto Irena Sendler contacted many Jewish families and tried to persuade parents to let her help them and smuggle children into the "Aryan side" and then hid them with Polish families. She made lists of the children's real names and put the lists in jars, then buried the jars in a garden, so that someday she could dig up the jars and find the children to tell them of their true identity.

The n***s captured Irena Sendler, but the Polish underground bribed a guard to release her, and she entered into hiding.

Today Irena Sendler lives in Warsaw, Poland.

Irena Sendler was announced as the 2003 winner of the Jan Karski award for Valor and Courage. She has been honored by international Jewish organizations - in 1965 she accorded the title of Righteous Among the Nations by the Yad Vashem organization in Jerusalem and in 1991 she was made an honorary citizen of Israel. Irena Sendler was also awarded Poland's highest distinction, the Order of White Eagle in Warsaw Monday Nov. 10, 2003.

Playing devil's advocate:

Some people may say that the mother's of these children were coerced to giving their children up.....the children were raped of there heritage and religion.

And many may say they are lucky to be alive!

The fact is that adoption whether good or bad is in the eye of the beholder. Influences lie soley on three things; your place in the adoption triad, whether or not you were told the truth and last but not least the experiences with your adoptive family.

ETA

Irena Sendler was a nominee of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2007.....she lost out to   AL Gore!

Answer 6

Someone asked what is the good side of loss?  I guess my answer is that yes adoption is formed of loss.  But especially in cases where children have been abused and neglected and are up for adoption as a result, they will now GAIN a family who can teach them that love doesn't hurt.  Yes it started from loss, but the GOOD side is that adoption can stop the loss and move forward for these children.  The LOSS would still occur if they were still being beaten and abused.

I understand issues when it is birthmothers being coerced, and closed adoptions and lack of history of culture.  Those are awful things.  But to say all adoption is bad because of it, then those people are not looking beyond their own selves, which we cannot fault them for.  I cannot put myself in say someone's experience, and feel for them.   For them adoption is loss and as Phil said being apart from his mom.  But for others who if not adopted woudl have been abused, like our children, then a blanket statement of no good sides to adoption are not being seen from our children's point of view.

So basically those who think in black and white may have to do so.  We cannot fault them for their thoughts and we all have to move forward in our own lives (for me that includes adopting) and go forward with our own consience, hopefully thinking about these persons experiences to do what we can to ensure we do all we can to avoid or minimize those losses.  (open adoption, only dealing wtih reputable organizations, focus on foster adoption etc. etc. etc.)

Answer 7

Loss.  And  then there is loss.  Okay, where's the good side of loss?  I want to "here" your argument for the good side of loss.

Answer 8

No one is against permanency here.  Sadly, adoption as it is practiced in our society has been so touted and entrenched as the only means for achieving permanency that people assume that if someone doesn't believe in adoption as it's practiced in our society that permanency goes out the window.  This couldn't be farther from the truth.

Junking adoption as practiced in our society does NOT equal the inability to achieve permanency for children.

ETA:

Why do people thumb down Sunny's story?  Her story sucks.  It's a story of people who should have never been allowed to adopt ending up with an adopted child anyway.  

Personally, I'd be pissed if I'd been adopted by uneducated, financially lower-class people who fought with each other all the time and discourage me bettering myself by getting an education.  I'd be even more pissed if I found out that my relinquishment from wealthy, educated people with class only occurred because single girls were expected to not keep their babies back in the 1960's

Cut me a break, already.  I'm pretty sure at least a couple of those who thumb her down wouldn't be too thrilled to be the center of that scenario, either.

Answer 9

Tired.  That's the only way to describe it.  Tired of people engaging in straw-man fallacies.  Tired of being ignored and dismissed by people who would rather believe the illusion than LISTEN to what people are saying.  If people still don't understand, after all this time, what the problem is...  If people still want to complain that all we do is whine, when all they do is whine about us speaking...  Well...  tired is the only word I can think of.  I lost 36 years with a woman who loved me and who I loved.  36 years.  36 years.  Can you fathom that?  I am moving forward, because that's all I can do.  There is nothing else to be done for me.  I cannot be given those 36 years back.  36 years.  But all you see is the straw man you've constructed for yourself.  That's fine.  When you can justify those 36 years, you can talk.  Until then, you clearly have no clue, despite the many attempts to explain it to you.

Answer 10

Hello R

I write on this board once in awhile and have always been very positive about my adoption experience. My sister and I were adopted out of an orphanage by very loving people who gave us a wonderful life.

I personally know biological children who are miserable and adopted kids who are quite happy. I'm not certain that your status as bio or adopted has much to do with it.

Answer 11

In detail:

I was adopted by mean, uneducated, lower-middle class people who never read or traveled, and only watched banal TV.  They never gave me a l**k of encouragement, and favored their bio kids.  They made me work at 12/13ish, and would never give me money, even though I did a butt-load of chores and babysitting for my siblings.  They fought, lied to each other, my amother complained about him all the time to me.  They saw no need for college, and criticized me for going.  Who the h*ll did I think I was?

Couple that with not knowing who I was, where I came from, why I had been given up, and WHY I had been adopted by these c**p 'parents'.

When I was 22, I found my mother.  I searched because I knew I would never be mentally healthy unless I knew what the h**l happened to me and WHY.

My parents were wealthy 20 somethings who were boyfriend/girlfriend for 11 years altogether.  They were smart, creative people with interesting hobbies, interests, and friends.  My father wasn't ready to marry, because of the sudden responsibility, and let her put me up for adoption.  His dad died in his teen years, and he had a handicapped brother that I think made him feel overwhelmed.  When I met him at 22, he said he was sorry that he didn't marry my mother, because he loved her.  Neither of them ever married for long (both had quick rebound marriages to others & divorced in a year) and neither had other children.  

There is no ‘good side’ to that adoption story.  It was an unnecessary adoption.  My mother has said over and over that her heart has been permanently broken, and in many ways, mine is too.

ETA: Here is my answer from your link--where DO I say ALL adoption is wrong?

"Adoption Hmmm, can't think of any good parts for me. I lost everything and gained nothing except dysfunctional, lower-middle class adopters, the pain of not knowing my history, and pretending that it didn't matter."

I just talked about ME, no one else!  Pffftt!

Answer 12

R

I wish that I knew as well... I have never figured it out....

Being angry AT Adoption and Being Angry about Adoption is not going to heal anyone...  

But, there are people (Not Sure if they are Here) who do believe that Adoption needs to end... They would rather see "guardianship's" and the such....  

Some of it seems to be connected to the Original Information and the original name.... I have had three different last names, and use a 4th as a pen.... I have used several first names... Doesn't change who I am....

Some birth mothers WERE minipulated, tricked and in some cases forced to place babies for adoption... In the past that was more of a problem...

I personally don't believe any Student attending past the 5th grade in a US Public School since the late 1970's should ever have any reason to feel they were forced... There is just way too much education about personal rights--and way too many ways to get information, find help and make a different choice....

There will always be people who regret a choice they made... There will always be people who feel deep, and search for the meaning of life...

There will always be people who express having a sense of loss... or something missing...

There will always be people who grow up and hate their parents....

The truth is however--there will always be these people with or without adoption....